Erectile Dysfunction

bailey300

To get to the bones of it, i started seeing a lovely lad a while back. We get on great, both in our early 30's and pretty serious (talking of moving in together etc). Only problem is that there's no sex. At all. He kept saying give it time, and now i find myself 18 months down the road in a celibate relationship. He has gone to the doc who prescribed a viagra like tablet. Rarely worked and were very expensive. He also claimed he didn't want the mental crutch that popping pills could become. He went to councelling too. Nada.
Horrible to say, but i'm getting very angry and frustrated. He was single for a few years before me, but was able to perform in the past.

After a year and a half, does this kind of thing improve? As much as i love him, i don't think i could sign up to a sexless relationship for the rest of my life. Selfish I know, but i feel less and less attractive as each day passes.

Any advice, greatly appreciated

kjl

hmmmm, this is a very touchy subject for guys, how do you feel about the relationship? what if he could never get it up, would you be happy to stay with him?

I think you are posting this because you want to hear that its ok to leave someone with this problem. Yes its ok, If you are not attracted to someone, no matter what the reason, you should be upfront with them.

bailey300

Thanks for your reply. No i don't want to leave him. I'm highly attracted to him as it goes. But it feels like constant rejection and my esteem has hit rock bottom. I'm just wondering what the prognosis for an eventual healthy sex life is after all this time.

Fiend-Foe

bailey300 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. No i don't want to leave him. I'm highly attracted to him as it goes. But it feels like constant rejection and my esteem has hit rock bottom. I'm just wondering what the prognosis for an eventual healthy sex life is after all this time.

If he hasn't got things sorted after 18 months, I wouldn't hold out much hope for the future unfortunatly. It kinda sounds like he's not too bothered or has given up, but you never know.

Does he still make the effort to satisify you by other means? Its not all about penetration, I'm sure there's lots of ways he could make you happy.

bailey300

He does realise I'm chomping at the bit/ pillow, and is quick to to sort me with a quick fumble, but it feels sometimes that i'm just being "serviced" if you know what i mean. There's no intimacy there which I long for.
He has a collection of porn (which doesn't bother me) and is able to look after himself - so i know he's not dead from the waist down, I just get to rarely see it.
I have asked him is it an attraction issue, that i'd rather move on and find someone who wants to be with me, but he reassures me it's not and it's something out of his control.
While i can understand that, i don't get the irish way of sorting it - sitting waiting, doing nothing, god is good etc

opinion guy

To be honest i actually agree with kjl
if he hasn't sorted it in 18 months and shows no inclination to then it would seem he's just not that bothered. and if he can sort himself out with his porn then its not a medical issue now is it. could of course be psychological, or maybe even porn addiciton or something, but the fact that he's not doing something about it means he's not taking your needs too seriously now doesn't it ?

And of course you are chomping at the bit/pillow and mad for him. he's giving you all the other relationship stuff enough for you to fall for him but held back this bit.

writestoomuch

OP, I really sympathise with you on this. I've been in a relationship that was almost entirely sexless for several years, and yes, it is really hard (pardon the pun :P). We were emotionally close, and I fancied the pants off the guy, and if it hadn't been for his complete lack of sexual interest in me I could have seen us settling down permanently. Like you, my ex would swear blind it wasn't due to lack of interest in me, would say he still found me attractive and would "service" me when the need arose, but something crucial was missing, and it eroded at my self-confidence, self-worth and sense of femininity. It became this huge issue that clouded every aspect of our relationship. The worst of it was he had always been very reticent to talk about sex anyway (seemed to find the whole topic embarrassing or tasteless) and therefore really found it difficult to talk about this problem too. He would say it was his problem, not mine, and by talking about it I just made it worse, and that time might sort it out.

In my case the fact that he kept reassuring me it wasn't me, it was him, gave me enough hope to keep us together. I think he really believed it too. As it turns out, that that lost sex-drive came rushing back once he found someone new. Major case of denial, in hindsight, and he admits it now.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the case for you and your OH. However, if 18 months hasn't fixed it and nothing has improved, I suspect it will only continue. Fulfilling sexless relationships are possible for some people, but you appear to know that that isn't the case for you. If that's the case, this problem will continue to eat away at your relationship, with you getting more and more frustrated, more and more unhappy, and less and less confident, and him feeling worse and worse that he isn't able to provide you with everything you need.

LegacyUser

I have been there. Unfortunately despite numerous promises my ex never changed either. Sex just didn't seem important to him and even though he played along with pretending it was going to get better it never did.

Like you I took it personally. And my confidence was shot to pieces over it. Until I left him and realised the problem wasn't me it was him.

I got some very bad advice at the time from people who had never been through it themselves and I am sorry I listened to them. A lot of people will tell you sex isn't everything and give it time, work on it etc etc

The problem won't go away and it didn't improve in my case. It was extremely messy leaving him as we had a house together, so I would say to you don't get into any big commitments with him. I tried everything with him but nothing worked.

I know you are very attracted to this lad but although he is paying it lip service saying he finds you attractive he is not showing it. Servicing you is not good enough, you deserve to be appreciated properly.

I know its a tough decision for you but I have to say by the end of my relationship with my ex I was running out the door. I don't regret my decision to leave at all.

bailey300

Thanks so much for all your advice.

Opinion Guy has it when he says psychological. Apparently he gets this thought into his head that things are going to fail even before there's any indication of sex and then they inevitably fail.

Writestomuch and Betternow put in writing exactly how i feel. I'm so glad i'm not the only female to come across this. I was beginning to feel like some kind of deviant/nympho for wanting sex with my fella and a failure for not getting any results after a year and a half.

BN has a good point about not making any big commitments. Am going to talk to him about going for counselling again and put a freeze under any future plans.... results pending. I hope that doesn't read shallow. I just don't want to spend the next 40yrs fighting over orgasms (or lack thereof)!
Not sure if there's such a thing as sex therapists in this country, but if he's willing to gulp down his male pride and go, i'll help him as much as i can.


Thanks again for your honesty guys. Will sleep a little better tonight. Least i can let the bikini line go to pot for another while :P

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I was in a relationship the exact same as this.

In my case he said that he didn't fancy me enough to sleep with me. I am still left psychologically messed up by that comment. I remember at the time thinking I had put on weight - he used to joke that we both had, so I spent 2K and went to a spa in Thailand and lost a stone in 10 days. I was a size 8 - the night I got back nothing happened and the next morning he jumped out of bed as soon as he could to put a bet on a horse. I was devestated.I have since found out he slept with someone else just as our problems started. He wont admit this is what happened, but I think he felt too guilty after that.

Anyway, my advice to you is to think of yourself in all of this. What do you want? If you feel that this is going to chip away all the time at your self-esteme and confidence, then I would seriosly consider my position. The longer it goes on the worse it is, and it gets harder to pick yourself up. I know that now I find it hard to have the confidence to sleep with anyone.

You also said that he 'services' you but without any emotion. Do you think this is where the block is, that he finds it hard to connect emotionally. Could it be something from his past? Do you know if this has also happened with previous girlfriends? (in my case it had, it had happened with anyone that he got into a 'serious relationship' with). He doesn't want to use these tablets either - surely if the problem was just physical and not psychological then he woudl be delighted with the tablets?

My heart goes out to you and I really hope that you get the solution you want out of this scenario. I know it may sound selfish, but try to put yourself first, because u deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling on every level.