All - nothing

LegacyUser

Last friday myself and my girlfriend of 3.5 years had a good night. Made plans for the bank holiday all was happy and everything.

I was meant to meet up with her Sunday night but she text me saying she was busy. I told her it was no problem. A few hours later i get another text saying that she wants to break up for a while. That she thinks our differences are becoming more evident etc. I asked her what happened and she told me she wanted to be alone. To see if she was who she was for herself or for me.

I said fair enough and didn't speak to her until yesterday morning when i text her saying i think we have to meet up and talk about it all because i don't know where i stand and what she is thinking.

She refused to meet up saying she wasn't ready. I then asked her if we were still on a break of was it over. She reply-ed saying it was all over. Wont talk to me or see me.

I hate how it all ended, i was completely in love with this girl and im having an awful time with this. The worst of it is that we were perfect before this happened (at least i thought) she always talked about the future, holidays next year, getting married all that stuff.
We had been together since we were 16 and both are 20 now.

I feel like my whole life has just been lost. I loved this girl so so much, every day all i could think about was seeing her and spending time with her. and in the split of a second with no warning it was all gone.

What can i do? I know her very well as we had a close relationship for years never broke up or anything. I cant believe she would feel like this and finish it all like this. I thought she was the nicest girl in the world.

dudara

A relationship of 3.5 years was ended by text - that's bad form.

LegacyUser

I know. its killing me. I though she loved me so much, she always told me she did and was much more vocal about it than i was even though i said it alot too.

I cant understand how it all finished so fast for her. I couldn't dream about doing it to her.

I asked why she wouldn't tell me to my face and she just said she wouldn't have been able to do it face to face.

wasper

ilostmysoul wrote: »

Last friday myself and my girlfriend of 3.5 years had a good night. Made plans for the bank holiday all was happy and everything.

I was meant to meet up with her Sunday night but she text me saying she was busy. I told her it was no problem. A few hours later i get another text saying that she wants to break up for a while. That she thinks our differences are becoming more evident etc. I asked her what happened and she told me she wanted to be alone. To see if she was who she was for herself or for me.

I said fair enough and didn't speak to her until yesterday morning when i text her saying i think we have to meet up and talk about it all because i don't know where i stand and what she is thinking.

She refused to meet up saying she wasn't ready. I then asked her if we were still on a break of was it over. She reply-ed saying it was all over. Wont talk to me or see me.

I hate how it all ended, i was completely in love with this girl and im having an awful time with this. The worst of it is that we were perfect before this happened (at least i thought) she always talked about the future, holidays next year, getting married all that stuff.
We had been together since we were 16 and both are 20 now.

I feel like my whole life has just been lost. I loved this girl so so much, every day all i could think about was seeing her and spending time with her. and in the split of a second with no warning it was all gone.

What can i do? I know her very well as we had a close relationship for years never broke up or anything. I cant believe she would feel like this and finish it all like this. I thought she was the nicest girl in the world.

She has been a coward. Call her & tell her at least dignify the last 3.5 years by a meeting to see what happened.

LegacyUser

wasper wrote: »

She has been a coward. Call her & tell her at least dignify the last 3.5 years by a meeting to see what happened.

I tried this. She refused! i just cant believe she could cut all ties with me so fast and blunt.

G-Money

That's rough to hear that dude, sorry. In fairness you's are both very young and I think 20 is pretty early to be thinking about marriage and settling down anyway.

To be honest, I never buy these lines like "I need to find myself" as it always seems that a girl "finding herself" or "discovering herself" involves her sleeping around with other guys. It's really just a cover to dress it up and try it make it out to be something more than it's not.

I know that's not what you want to think about, but unfortunately she's entitled to be single if she no longer wants to be in the relationship. Although ditching you by text is pretty immature.

The best thing you can do is to just leave her alone. If you start begging her to take you back you will hate yourself further down the line. It's possible that something is going on in her life and she just needs some space. Regardless of whether its over or she just needs some time to herself, just leave her alone and don't initiate contact with her. Let her get in touch with you. If she doesn't, then don't get in contact with her.

I know you will be miserable but the best thing you can do is to try and fill your time with other things. If you get the opportunity to go out with another girl, do it. The main reason is that I'm sure she won't be living like a hermit now that she's single. Plus do you really want to find out that she's been with someone else (which she will sooner or later, but probably sooner) and you turned down the opportunity to be with someone else?

I just know myself, there's few feelings worse than holding off and not doing anything with any other girls because you have one girl in your mind, taking up all your thoughts. It can even get to the point where you feel guilty, as if you are cheating on her, even though you's aren't together. The worse part is though when she meets someone else and you don't even enter her thoughts and it doesn't hold her back from kissing/sh******g him.

Best thing to do is to just accept it, accept that it's going to hurt, and remember that you just have to force yourself through it. What I use for motivation is that I know the girl isn't sitting around thinking about me, she's probably off s*****g god knows who, so I should be doing the same. It's harsh and I'm sure some people will disagree, but you don't owe her anything anymore. The only person you owe anything to is yourself. And what you owe to yourself is to get past this as quickly as possible and move on.

If for some reason she gives you grief about being with someone else, remind her that SHE dumped YOU by TEXT! And if she didn't want you to go out with someone else, she shouldn't have ended it. She can't have it all her own way and expect you to not even look at girls, while she says she doesn't want you two to be together, and who is probably off out with other guys.

It's the ugly truth, but unfortunately there's no point dressing it up any other way.

Sorry to hear about it. But make sure you just get out there and meet other girls. Don't sit around and wait for her as I'm betting she's not doing the same for you. The fact that she dumped you by text proves that.

Good luck and all the best.

LegacyUser

hey op, really sorry to hear what happened! had the same thing done to me about a month ago when my girlfriend dumped me by text for no reason. I think your better off not to contact her for a while at least and trust me it does get easier! the pain your feeling at the moment is awful but time is great healer and all that! plus your only 20! you've got a long life ahead of you yet and there'll be loads more women along the way

Shin Bet

Thats a great post grandmaster
op the above advice is the exact way you should react.

krudler

Ouch, being dumped by text is pretty heartless tbh, it does suck that it ended but I'd want the final talk for the closure myself, as other posters have said she's being a coward and taking the easy way out. Its hard to just walk away from a relationship without seeing the person or having a talk for the last time, I know it'd drive me nuts as you wont get to say what you want to them, but if she's not willing to meet up theres not a whole lot you can do unfortunately, I'd either get a bunch of mates together and head away for a weekend, or just get away yourself and keep yourself busy

Taltos

GM - fantastic advice.

OP - this was just rotten. And very little any of us say will really help you right now. Please read GMs advice a few times and follow it.

Also - if (when) she gets back in touch - do not respond, reply or anything. If you bump into her on the street be civil - but just as much as you would be with someone collecting for some obscure charity.
Why? All for yourself - it might break you up inside but you need to be strong for yourself.

Personally I think you have dodged a HUGE bullet here.
After 3.5 yrs to be dumped by text is a disgrace and in my opinion I think you are lucky you have not spent another day with this coward.
Remember this when she does get in touch - she cares so much for you as to dump you via a text.

It will get better - not immediately. And it will actually prob get worse in a short while for you - hence GMs advice is ideal - get out and stay busy. In a few weeks / mths you will realise that you have coped ok and are moving on.

Will keep my fingers crossed for you - but still think you dodged one here.

Snowie

what can you do absaloulty nothing and you shouldnt have to do anything all those feelisgs are completely justfied. Id be more angry then anything else.

Personally i know its allways harder in the position, but I'd walk away and not do a thing...

Wagon

Everything grandmaster said is spot on, as far as my experience goes anyway. Don't sit about hoping it will all work out because it just doesn't happen like that.

Moomoo1

text her back that she's a coward (for refusing to see you) and that she needs to grow up. You are still young, you'll get over this.

nesbitt

It could be that she has met someone else and cannot face meeting up with you and ending with you properly. She is not affording you the dignity of doing this for you. I agree with all others that after 3.5 years dumping by text is totally not the done thing and shows a lack of respect and empathy for you and your feelings.

BraziliaNZ

sounds like she has met someone else or has slept with someone else. Just cut all contact, it's really hard but i had to do it recently and you will thank yourself for it down the line. If you keep harassing her with calls/texts (even though you should be entitled to), she will just see you as really bothersome and she'll think less of you, and will probably result in her banging even more guys than she already is. That's what I tell myself anyway!
I envy women in a way, post-breakup they can go out and bang away all sorts to make themselves feel better, as they get hit on all the time, whereas I'm actually pretty cut up about this and other women don't interest me yet. Time will heal though!

Pyr0

Great post Grandmaster. I'll be taking some of that advice on board myself.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Dumping by text is a lot better than her dragging the relationship on because she couldn't say it to you face to face(which would be the preferred option)

Have to accept it. Move on. You're going to go through misery for the next little while, then it will get slightly better, then you'll be back to normal. Faster you accept to yourself that its over the faster you'll be happy again.

e04bf099

grandmaster wrote: »

That's rough to hear that dude, sorry. In fairness you's are both very young and I think 20 is pretty early to be thinking about marriage and settling down anyway.

To be honest, I never buy these lines like "I need to find myself" as it always seems that a girl "finding herself" or "discovering herself" involves her sleeping around with other guys. It's really just a cover to dress it up and try it make it out to be something more than it's not.

I know that's not what you want to think about, but unfortunately she's entitled to be single if she no longer wants to be in the relationship. Although ditching you by text is pretty immature.

The best thing you can do is to just leave her alone. If you start begging her to take you back you will hate yourself further down the line. It's possible that something is going on in her life and she just needs some space. Regardless of whether its over or she just needs some time to herself, just leave her alone and don't initiate contact with her. Let her get in touch with you. If she doesn't, then don't get in contact with her.

I know you will be miserable but the best thing you can do is to try and fill your time with other things. If you get the opportunity to go out with another girl, do it. The main reason is that I'm sure she won't be living like a hermit now that she's single. Plus do you really want to find out that she's been with someone else (which she will sooner or later, but probably sooner) and you turned down the opportunity to be with someone else?

I just know myself, there's few feelings worse than holding off and not doing anything with any other girls because you have one girl in your mind, taking up all your thoughts. It can even get to the point where you feel guilty, as if you are cheating on her, even though you's aren't together. The worse part is though when she meets someone else and you don't even enter her thoughts and it doesn't hold her back from kissing/sh******g him.

Best thing to do is to just accept it, accept that it's going to hurt, and remember that you just have to force yourself through it. What I use for motivation is that I know the girl isn't sitting around thinking about me, she's probably off s*****g god knows who, so I should be doing the same. It's harsh and I'm sure some people will disagree, but you don't owe her anything anymore. The only person you owe anything to is yourself. And what you owe to yourself is to get past this as quickly as possible and move on.

If for some reason she gives you grief about being with someone else, remind her that SHE dumped YOU by TEXT! And if she didn't want you to go out with someone else, she shouldn't have ended it. She can't have it all her own way and expect you to not even look at girls, while she says she doesn't want you two to be together, and who is probably off out with other guys.

It's the ugly truth, but unfortunately there's no point dressing it up any other way.

Sorry to hear about it. But make sure you just get out there and meet other girls. Don't sit around and wait for her as I'm betting she's not doing the same for you. The fact that she dumped you by text proves that.

Good luck and all the best.

I have to say Grandmaster I don't think you usually have bad posts but this is awful! It sounds like you resent women a lot.

It is very very rash to assume that she is off shagging some other lad and not considering OP at all. It makes no sense to say that. The OP could have been offended or mislead by this depending on his character. He has no reason to believe it is the case and you have no right jumping to such a conclusion and potentially lowering his opinion of women for life. He is in a vulnerable place right now and will tend to be much more malleable in his search for answers so you have taken advantage by painting his ex with your specific brush.

OP, my bestfriend went through exactly the same thing as yourself. He came home after a 3 week holiday, met his gf of 2 years, everything was fine (she said/he thought) and one week later she was refusing to speak to him. He was madly in love with her and beginning to think he'd marry her. She was hiding things from him though and he was oblivious. When it came out that she was having doubts about the relationship and his authenticity she devastated him because he just couldn't get his head around what she was on about. She would say that she thought he loved the idea of a gf more than her herself and all he could do was flatly deny that and try to re-affirm her. But the trust wasn't there on her side. She just refused to speak to him on the most part. She avoided him in college for months. The worst thing she did was string him along. He kept hoping she would see sense but she was under too much pressure in college to relax and think it all through.

Don't assume she is sleeping with anyone. I suspect it is the rest of the pressure in her life and she is projecting that suffering onto your relationship. There is nothing you can do about that because only she can get through her studies. College work often feels like slavery and the trapped feeling of having to get through all the essays and projects often leads people to lash out randomly at other people. You may have just been caught in the cross-fire because she has nobody else to direct her trapped, retaliatory feelings towards.

This was the case with my friend even though I only ever had one side of the story. You may not be in College and her emotional troubles may be totally different. Regardless, they are unique emotonal difficulties, just because everybody is unique, but you will not be able to get answers until she has answers to give, and who knows when that will be. It is clear she feels trapped, as she feels she is acting like a different person than she really is.

My friend was strung along for 4 months as when the trouble started he begged her not to break up so suddenly and brutally so she said that they were on a break and she would think about it until Christmas. At Christmas they talked and broke up for good.

My friend is, put simply, an amazing person, and she was lucky to be with him, but in the end the ordeal that she put him through destroyed his respect for women for years. This is why Grandmaster's statements were so inappropriate, as it will take you a long time to get over this and it will most likely have an affect on your next relationship. Don't assume your next gf, or any other girl, will be as callous and selfish as this one was. And whatever you do, DO NOT let her string you along. She will most likely never offer an explanation because she is so absorbed in her own questions of identity and place.

pisslips

Take the higher moral ground.

You have that, at least.

You should feel sorry for her.

The fact that she won't talk to you only proves that it was a disaster waiting to happen.

Move on

Go screw her friend if it makes you feel better, you have carte blanche. She was hit by a bus as far as you're concerned.
Nothing else you can do really.

God, I'm full of bile!

G-Money

OP, you have a mind of your own so you are free to do whatever you want and whatever you feel is right for your situation.

e04bf099 - We are all entitled to our opinion. You have yours and I have mine.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for the advice, it really doesnt make me feel any better to be honest but i appreciate the help even if it is hard to read.

I think my biggest problem is that I loved her way too much. I dont know what it was about her but i could have spent every minute of my day with her. She was always nice to me and treated me. I cant CANT believe that its all over, it happened so so fast and completely without warning for me.

What makes me even more depressed is that im not really into what my peers do. I dont drink, i like different music, have different hobbies than everyone i know and even though my girlfriend was different we got on so well as we grew up together. I feel now as if i will never find anyone like her, anyone i get along with as well. I have no real friends anymore just people i talk to in college and all that, but nobody i connect with. Im so scared that i will become a depressed loner, i feel i will never have such love for anyone again and such a connection. I hate saying it after all that happened lately but i really really love this girl. More than i ever thought and i always thought she loved me just as much. She always said she did and expressed it. And for it all to end all of a sudden the way it did. It has put me into a depression i never though was possible.

Im all over the place trying to type this mind is jumping and i cant focus so please forgive the ridiculous attempt at saying my feelings.

Wibbs

Great posts from both grandmaster and e04bf099. I would be somewhere in the middle. My cynical side would be more on grandmasters side(and sadly it has to be said much of my experience), but I also take e04bf099's points on board as the OP should as I have seen where it just switches off in what appears and out of the blue moment and there was no one else involved.

My personal take here and completely my humble and bear in mind it's coming from a guy who goes out with women, I'm quite sure it happens to men too, it's just I have no experience of that.

OK I would say this "sudden" change happens more with women, or at least appears that way to many, if not most men that have been on the receiving end of it. One minute everything appears to be going as it always has as far as he's concerned and then whammo, something changes. I've seen this with exes, I've seen this with women mates too.

Now often it's a obvious straw that breaks the camels back and the woman looks at the guy differently. She may love him very deeply, but the attraction, the thoughts of a future are gone. Often too men don't see that. Now when this happens a lot of the time the woman can't quite explain the sequence. She just doesn't feel "it" anymore. It's damned confusing too because she still likes, even loves the man in question.

I would put a good lump of money that most of the women reading this have had this happen. Few women over 30 who've had relationships under their belt will not have felt this. One day, one moment you look at the man you thought was it and something changed. It can be over what seems like something silly too. You notice the way he shaves suddenly písses you off, or something you once thought cute now irritates. Then the house of cards collapses. I've seen too with women mates that this realisation can be very emotionally hard too. Maybe this is why she dumped you by text. It was just too hard for her emotionally. Weak on her part? yes, but somewhat understandable, especially if she's the eager to please type.

Usually this change happens before she actually acts on it too. She's trying to work out her feelings and wants to give that a chance before she drops the hammer. IMHO this is why women want to go "on a break", or say they're confused how they feel with men they love. They are confused. They do(or may) love you, but they're not sure about the "in love" bit. Another thing women say more than men again IME. The break is a option that may show how much she still wants the man if he's not around. A kind of emotional test for her and the relationship. Of course men 9 times outa ten(if not 99 times outa 100) don't give her space, so that IMH is why most if not the majority of breaks end up as breakups.

Now grandmasters angle happens if she's been thinking about this for a time and a new guy happens to come on the scene. She then feels "hang on, I actually fancy this new guy. I'm thinking about him more than my BF. There's something wrong and I must not love my BF the way I should anymore. Oh god why? I love my BF... etc". Then it looks like she's just hopped off and replaced the BF. It's not really that though. It can be with very needy types who need The Boyfriend tm, but not always.

Why do I personally think it happens? It usually happens at around the 2 - 3 year mark. The initial love buzz has worn off and now they look at each other afresh and with more practical eyes. Things that would barely register 6 months in can kill a three year relationship stone dead in seconds. The things that worry you and that you ignore about someone at the start, in my experience are the things that will split you up in the end most of the time(or you stay together and that thing or things make your life together a misery).

The other reasons can be simple diffs in life stages and circumstances. At the OP's age that would be a biggy. The thoughts of "is this it?" Again IMHO men are more likely to keep the status quo. "I have a Girlfriend tm, sure we love each other isn't it going fine". Many do not keep an eye on the relationship and spot the problems as they occur. Or they figure an argument is over, just because the shouting is over and the makeup sex has happened. Many don't look at the root cause. Not until it's too late.

OP is there anything that has been worrying her about you as a pair? Any argument however small that was recurring? Think back a few months, not just in the last weeks. That may be a clue. Hell in two of my relationships the women told me what was wrong and I ignored it. Why? Being daft and lazy and thinking "ah sure we love each other". Doh!

So where do you go from here? I know the break all contact thing is trotted out parrot fashion, but there's a reason for that. It give you the best chance of healing and healing more quickly. It'll be a more acute pain, yes, but not a chronic one. If I could go back in time every single time I would tell myself on the rare ocassions I didn't walk on the spot, to stop contact.

I don't want to give you false hope, but if it helps, it also increases your chances of her coming back. Give her the gift of missing you. She can't if you're always around or following her, texting her, etc. Don't look for explanations. She may not have any. Even if she did it'll do you no good.

Weird though it may sound, it also tells her that you respect her decision. That you love her enough to want her to be happy and if that's without you then that's how it has to be. You will be happy yourself, with someone else that won't leave and is there for the duration. I know pretty much for a fact that if I had taken that advice in the past, I would have stopped three breakups or if not I would have recovered far more quickly and they would have been better off too. In one case defo on that score on both counts.

My rambling 2 cents, ignore as applicable.

Sephiroth_dude

grandmaster wrote: »

That's rough to hear that dude, sorry. In fairness you's are both very young and I think 20 is pretty early to be thinking about marriage and settling down anyway.

To be honest, I never buy these lines like "I need to find myself" as it always seems that a girl "finding herself" or "discovering herself" involves her sleeping around with other guys. It's really just a cover to dress it up and try it make it out to be something more than it's not.

I know that's not what you want to think about, but unfortunately she's entitled to be single if she no longer wants to be in the relationship. Although ditching you by text is pretty immature.

The best thing you can do is to just leave her alone. If you start begging her to take you back you will hate yourself further down the line. It's possible that something is going on in her life and she just needs some space. Regardless of whether its over or she just needs some time to herself, just leave her alone and don't initiate contact with her. Let her get in touch with you. If she doesn't, then don't get in contact with her.

I know you will be miserable but the best thing you can do is to try and fill your time with other things. If you get the opportunity to go out with another girl, do it. The main reason is that I'm sure she won't be living like a hermit now that she's single. Plus do you really want to find out that she's been with someone else (which she will sooner or later, but probably sooner) and you turned down the opportunity to be with someone else?

I just know myself, there's few feelings worse than holding off and not doing anything with any other girls because you have one girl in your mind, taking up all your thoughts. It can even get to the point where you feel guilty, as if you are cheating on her, even though you's aren't together. The worse part is though when she meets someone else and you don't even enter her thoughts and it doesn't hold her back from kissing/sh******g him.

Best thing to do is to just accept it, accept that it's going to hurt, and remember that you just have to force yourself through it. What I use for motivation is that I know the girl isn't sitting around thinking about me, she's probably off s*****g god knows who, so I should be doing the same. It's harsh and I'm sure some people will disagree, but you don't owe her anything anymore. The only person you owe anything to is yourself. And what you owe to yourself is to get past this as quickly as possible and move on.

If for some reason she gives you grief about being with someone else, remind her that SHE dumped YOU by TEXT! And if she didn't want you to go out with someone else, she shouldn't have ended it. She can't have it all her own way and expect you to not even look at girls, while she says she doesn't want you two to be together, and who is probably off out with other guys.

It's the ugly truth, but unfortunately there's no point dressing it up any other way.

Sorry to hear about it. But make sure you just get out there and meet other girls. Don't sit around and wait for her as I'm betting she's not doing the same for you. The fact that she dumped you by text proves that.

Good luck and all the best.

Now thats what I call good advice.

Wibbs

grandmaster wrote: »

It can even get to the point where you feel guilty, as if you are cheating on her, even though you's aren't together.

Oh god how I have done that one. Talk about being a gobshíte.:D In one case she was off officially going out with the guy she cheated on me with and I couldn't snog another woman. Never mind snogging, I felt so strange flirting with another woman. It did feel like cheating on the "woman I loved". Now looking back I wasn't really a gobshíte. I did love them and I couldn't switch that off even if she had. In two cases it took nearly 18 months to get past that cheating feelng and even then I was still kinda freaked out about it. God luv those women who had to deal with me. If karma exists they'll end up married to Johhny depp clones:D

metrovelvet

Wibbs-

You make some very good points but there is also something else that happens.

One person complains and complains [usually the woman], the other person doesnt really hear the complaint, they get dumped and then are surprised while along along they were being told why.

Ive seen it a million times.

e04bf099

ilostmysoul wrote: »

OP here

Thanks for the advice, it really doesnt make me feel any better to be honest but i appreciate the help even if it is hard to read.

I think my biggest problem is that I loved her way too much. I dont know what it was about her but i could have spent every minute of my day with her. She was always nice to me and treated me. I cant CANT believe that its all over, it happened so so fast and completely without warning for me.

What makes me even more depressed is that im not really into what my peers do. I dont drink, i like different music, have different hobbies than everyone i know and even though my girlfriend was different we got on so well as we grew up together. I feel now as if i will never find anyone like her, anyone i get along with as well. I have no real friends anymore just people i talk to in college and all that, but nobody i connect with. Im so scared that i will become a depressed loner, i feel i will never have such love for anyone again and such a connection. I hate saying it after all that happened lately but i really really love this girl. More than i ever thought and i always thought she loved me just as much. She always said she did and expressed it. And for it all to end all of a sudden the way it did. It has put me into a depression i never though was possible.

Im all over the place trying to type this mind is jumping and i cant focus so please forgive the ridiculous attempt at saying my feelings.

Just don't let these fears allow her to string you along. Don't let her control the situation.

This could be a blessing in one sense, even though it is hard for you to recognise at the moment. It is very unhealthy to rely on a partner for your social life. You need mates. Mates would make this experience much easier. I have been that mate a couple of times and I know how tough it is going to be for you.

Are you in college? This is gonna effect the other things in your life as you lose concentration and your tension builds up. You need an outlet for that tension.

Because you didn't invest in your mates in the good times, it is gonna hurt extra now that you're in need.

My mam suffers from that kind of issue. Where as my Dad sees his mates every night in the pub, my mam rarely sees hers. They live far away and she never makes the effort. So when her and dad have an issue, she doesn't really have anyone to bitch to to or let off steam, unless she goes to Dublin, which just isn't pheasible sometimes. She is now more mature, and she makes a little bit more effort not to rely on dad so much. But when I was young she used to get very depressed because of it.

Dependancy is good in a relationship. Its the basis of a healthy relationship, imo. But you need your own mates. You can't depend on one person, emotionally, and if you do, eventually a tension will build up that has no outlet, and I suspect that something like that has happened.

Did she have her own mates?

Lear from this event and don't ever get into the situation again when you could get emotionally dependant on one person. You can have an even fuller relationship in the future if you're don't.

Welcome to the world of singledom. Some people far prefer it. For you, I suspect, it will be a hard slog. Better to have loved and lost... Thats very very true. Trust me.

And don't resent her or other women for this experience. I seriously doubt she is sleeping with anybody else. That doesn't fit.

Good-luck;)

(OP have you read East of Eden? You sound like Adam Trask.)

LegacyUser

OP again

just to answer some quires yes i am in college, same college as the girl im talking about though very very rarely see each other around.

also about reoccurring arguments. Yes, their was one. It was one that made things hard at times and lead to many fights. It was due to the fact that early in our relationship she did a few things that caused me to lose trust in her. Few little lies and all that sort of stuff. It did however cause some problems during the years but she assured me that she would never do such things again as we were young at the time and our relationship was not so serious.

To answer another question,
Yes she had her own friends, alot more so than i did really. She would meet up with them during the week to watch a movie and go to dinner/pub/club once a week or so. One problem was that she would sometimes ask me to go to the pub with her or something like that but i would never go. I really never liked the scene and i regret not spending the time with her now.


Also, just now she has text me. She said "i know this is such an unfair thing to ask you but when i do figure out who i am, can i explain to you who that is?"

I am very confused now, i do not know what to say. My instinct is to say of course explain to me etc. But all this advice about not contacting her and that has me not knowing what to do. My whole body has started trembling since i read the message.

dentalnurse

Hey,
I just want to say that i know you cant see it now but you have so much fun ahead of you right now!! When me and the x split up my world seemed to fall around me, i picked myself up, smiled anythime i saw him out to show that i was having a good time even though i was aching inside and look at me now!! I laugh at him, he fell into another relationship very quickly after we broke up, didnt give himself a chance to be single and just a few weeks ago he asked could we talk after the pub, he said he hated how I moved on so quick like the relationship didnt matter etc, its not that it didnt matter its because i didnt show it - i wouldnt please him to show my pain. Im still single, having fun!!!!!!!!!! Lots and lots of fun!!!!!!!
I know your hurting now but believe me you'll look back on this in a few years and laugh! I promise you. Life goes on, it ended for a reason (that she wont say, "finding" herself is bull - sorry) and thats because there is another woman out there looking for you, who wants to have your babies and make you happy!! Think of that, believe in it. We have to kiss a few frogs before we find our prince. Or hell just get her back,no best friends but someone she knows of, it will make you feel better!!

e04bf099

ilostmysoul wrote: »

OP again

just to answer some quires yes i am in college, same college as the girl im talking about though very very rarely see each other around.

also about reoccurring arguments. Yes, their was one. It was one that made things hard at times and lead to many fights. It was due to the fact that early in our relationship she did a few things that caused me to lose trust in her. Few little lies and all that sort of stuff. It did however cause some problems during the years but she assured me that she would never do such things again as we were young at the time and our relationship was not so serious.

To answer another question,
Yes she had her own friends, alot more so than i did really. She would meet up with them during the week to watch a movie and go to dinner/pub/club once a week or so. One problem was that she would sometimes ask me to go to the pub with her or something like that but i would never go. I really never liked the scene and i regret not spending the time with her now.


Also, just now she has text me. She said "i know this is such an unfair thing to ask you but when i do figure out who i am, can i explain to you who that is?"

I am very confused now, i do not know what to say. My instinct is to say of course explain to me etc. But all this advice about not contacting her and that has me not knowing what to do. My whole body has started trembling since i read the message.

Sounds like you have your issues and she has hers and they are of a kind that can't be worked through as a couple. I don't want to sound harsh but she is probably doing the sensible thing here. That was a good text to receive in the context, hard as it sounds. Now you can deal with your dependancy issues and she can figure out what she wants.

You may not stay together, but either way, right it is your responsibility to take control now and when you grow up a bit and develop a social life apart from the relationship, you might have an opportunity to go back to her. But hurry up and grow up because the longer it takes, the more you're gonna drift apart. Pubs aren't the be-all-and-end-all and a healthy social life doesn't have to revolve around the pub, but they often do these days and there is nothing wrong with that. If that doesn't appeal then go join some clubs or societies. Go for drinks with your class mates or something.

Thats my advice. Good-luck dude;)

G-Money

OP - I don't know your gf but when I read that text you said she sent, it sort of done my head in.

I know you are a bit freaked now. Probably feeling sick and ill? You know what, here's what I think you should do and it's a really easy small step to feeling better. Take your phone and switch it off. Do that right now. I know you are reeling from that text, but switch off the phone for tonight and don't switch it back on until tomorrow morning. You will be able to relax a bit and not be dreading her texting you something else, or her calling you. And for heaven's sake, don't reply to her text tonight.

The phone being off will help you relax a bit. Then take a deep breath and breathe out slowly and just repeat to yourself "I will be fine".

Things ALWAYS seem worse at night, ALWAYS. So don't do anything until tomorrow at the earliest. If she asks why it took you so long to reply, just make up some excuse like you were out or something. Or better yet, say you didn't get the text. It does happen, occasionally texts aren't received.

We all know how you are feeling. You are sitting there thinking this is the worst feeling in the world. You feel like she was special, that you will never meet anyone like her again. You feel like the bond you had was special and so rare that it's almost impossible to have it again. You feel like no other girl will ever match up to her and you won't find anyone who suits you so well.

Does that sound about right?

Well think about this. Think about the last girl you liked before this one. Think about while you might not have been into her as much, I'm guessing you were still a bit hurt when it ended. Does that bother you now? Of course not.

Even if you weren't with anyone before, are you the first person to be dumped? No. Are you the first person to feel this way? No. Will you get over it? Without a doubt, it's inevitable.

I know what you are thinking, we don't really understand what it's like and you don't think it will ever feel better as things seem so bad now. But you know what, eventually you do get over it. I know you don't really believe that at the moment and you know what, that's ok. Soon you will realise you will.

Take time to reconnect with things that make you happy. I don't mean stuff that reminds you of her. Is there a particular film that you really like that cheers you up? Watch it. Is there a song or band or something that cheers you up and lifts your mood? Listen to them. Do anything and everything to forget about her and focus your mind on other things.

I know it seems like you'll never come out the other side. We've all been there. In that exact same spot. We've all felt like "she was the one" and we'll never meet anyone like her again, and you'll never feel better. But you know what, we all have moved on.

Just give her space and leave her alone.

Moomoo1

ilostmysoul wrote: »

OP again

just to answer some quires yes i am in college, same college as the girl im talking about though very very rarely see each other around.

also about reoccurring arguments. Yes, their was one. It was one that made things hard at times and lead to many fights. It was due to the fact that early in our relationship she did a few things that caused me to lose trust in her. Few little lies and all that sort of stuff. It did however cause some problems during the years but she assured me that she would never do such things again as we were young at the time and our relationship was not so serious.

To answer another question,
Yes she had her own friends, alot more so than i did really. She would meet up with them during the week to watch a movie and go to dinner/pub/club once a week or so. One problem was that she would sometimes ask me to go to the pub with her or something like that but i would never go. I really never liked the scene and i regret not spending the time with her now.


Also, just now she has text me. She said "i know this is such an unfair thing to ask you but when i do figure out who i am, can i explain to you who that is?"

I am very confused now, i do not know what to say. My instinct is to say of course explain to me etc. But all this advice about not contacting her and that has me not knowing what to do. My whole body has started trembling since i read the message.

just tell her 'if you had the least amount of respect for me, you'd at least talk to me in person now.'

Moomoo1

Wibbs wrote: »

Weird though it may sound, it also tells her that you respect her decision. That you love her enough to want her to be happy and if that's without you then that's how it has to be. You will be happy yourself, with someone else that won't leave and is there for the duration. I know pretty much for a fact that if I had taken that advice in the past, I would have stopped three breakups or if not I would have recovered far more quickly and they would have been better off too. In one case defo on that score on both counts.

what's there to respect here? People who dump by text are scum. I know it's very strongly put, but that's just what they are: selfish, inconsiderate and immature.

how can you be in a relationship with someone who cares SO little about your feelings?

LegacyUser

OP here.

the text message "i know this is such an unfair thing to ask you but when i do figure out who i am, can i explain to you who that is?"

i have not replied yet. I said all my goodbyes Friday and she went and said this again now? Im not sure if im just being a bit hopeful thinking that she wants to contact me or something or is it as simple as it really looks?

Also, i have no idea what to say in reply. But i know by my confusion that i still hope she will come back to me because i should be able to say something like "whoever you may be when you find out doesn't matter too me, were over now! And whoever you are wont be who i fell in love with"

But, the fact i have such difficultly saying that means i cant let go, im not able to cut all the ties. I want her to stay talking to me.

Oh i don't know

G-Money

I know there's a piece of advice my da has always given me when I'm undecided about something.

He says when you are undecided about something and don't know what to do, try and put it out of your mind and think about other things. Focus on other stuff and don't think about it and eventually a few days later, something will happen that will clear things up for you.

I think her text is a complete and utter head f*** to be honest dude. I reckon you should just delete the text and think about something else.

If she doesn't want you two to be together, then she can't expect you to be hanging on her every word and feeding you scraps to keep you interested and hanging on.

Just delete the text and don't reply. You're not committing any crime by doing that, even though she might try to convince you that you are.

Wibbs

First off grandmasters advice is spot on. Couldn't be moreso if he tried. I'd damn near print that out as a reminder if I were you OP.

ilostmysoul wrote: »

the text message "i know this is such an unfair thing to ask you but when i do figure out who i am, can i explain to you who that is?"

When I read that I was a tad gobsmacked. Talk about self centered and lacking in insight about how you may be feeling. Jeez. :rolleyes: If you know somethings unfair to ask then don't ask. Saying you know it is not an excuse.

i have not replied yet.

Dead right. Me? I would reply, but just say something along the lines of "Good luck with that personal journey, but no I would prefer if you didn't".

I said all my goodbyes Friday and she went and said this again now? Im not sure if im just being a bit hopeful thinking that she wants to contact me or something or is it as simple as it really looks?

I'd say it's as simple as it looks. If she wanted you back she'd come back. Simple as. She's obviously still fond of you, but not in the way you want her to be. She herself feels adrift emotionally and while she doesn't want you back IMHO, she does want to keep you as an emotional backup, just in case she may want you back when single life doesn't work out for her, or more usually just as emotional support. Plus she doesn't want to leave you out there publicly resentful about her. That can be a biggy.

Also, i have no idea what to say in reply. But i know by my confusion that i still hope she will come back to me because i should be able to say something like "whoever you may be when you find out doesn't matter too me, were over now! And whoever you are wont be who i fell in love with"

Which is a good answer for you, but I wouldn't inform her of that. If she doesn't get that now, telling her won't make much diff. This is someone who breaks up a first love by text. Nuff said. Hopefully she'll learn as she goes on through life, but you shouldn't be the one to teach her. Its not your job anymore(and shouldn't be anyway). I can forgive anything pretty much, but one thing I can't and that's if someone gives up on the relationship and leaves. She left. Let her go.

But, the fact i have such difficultly saying that means i cant let go, im not able to cut all the ties. I want her to stay talking to me.

Yea but its bloody early raw days for you. Of course you want her to stay talking. Waiting for that moment when she changes her mind and it's all back to how it was.

Moomoo1 wrote:

what's there to respect here? People who dump by text are scum. I know it's very strongly put, but that's just what they are: selfish, inconsiderate and immature.

I mean respect her decision to leave. The manner of it is clearly cowardly. Then again none of us are perfect. And I agree it is all about her feelings. She's likely quite overwhelmed herself and she's focusing on her conflicted feelings, which IMH is where a lot of this selfishness is coming from. I've seen similar if not as extreme in women who are anything but selfish and self centered normally.

LegacyUser

There is so many helpful reply's here so thank you very very much.

The worst thing is i cant as much as i try just let go. Ide love to be able to say "no i do not need to know who you find yourself to be" or something similar. But in reality, now, i really wish i knew. She told me everything for so long and its so hard for me not to know what she feels. Im too attached. I feel so silly about it all, that even after someone did something so out of character, and something so selfish to me that i cant even accept the fact that we can never be together.

I always thought that that if someone cheated on me i would just end it and that would be that, no matter how sad i was. But the more i now think about it i feel like i could forgive anything to someone i loved so much. I feel like i can be walked all over, and haven't the mental strength to do anything about it.

Moomoo1

maybe reply 'I can save you all the trouble and tell you who you are: you are an egoist who is only obsessed with her feelings and has no problem about hurting the feelings of others. I never thought that you of all people would refuse to even MEET with me'

LegacyUser

I am thinking something along the lines or "no. I just want to know the real reason this ended"
Because this "i want to find myself" stuff doesn't really make much sense to me and im not fully sure it could be the truth.

Wibbs

ilostmysoul wrote: »

I always thought that that if someone cheated on me i would just end it and that would be that, no matter how sad i was. But the more i now think about it i feel like i could forgive anything to someone i loved so much. I feel like i can be walked all over, and haven't the mental strength to do anything about it.

Of course. You love her. I've been walked over, at times like one of those far eastern back massages. Most of us have at some point. Don't sweat it too much mental strength will come back with time. Indeed this breakup will give you more than you had IMHO. What you need is time and distance. Again grandmasters advice on this is bloody good.

Moomoo1 wrote:

maybe reply 'I can save you all the trouble and tell you who you are: you are an egoist who is only obsessed with her feelings and has no problem about hurting the feelings of others. I never thought that you of all people would refuse to even MEET with me'

IMHO don't do this. What will it achieve? She knows she's acting like a prick over this. If she doesn't it still won't bring you any closure, beyond a momentary release of anger and ego. It'll also just give her emotional feedback and another reason in her head that she made the right call. It'll be the expected average response anyway. Don't do the expected.

Give her no feedback, no reaction, just quiet disappointment at her actions. Let her go with little emotion on your part. If it helps that'll also make it plainer your disgust and incredulity at her actions than any lashing out ever could. Be the bigger person basically.

e04bf099

What year in college are you in?

Don't text her back at all. Don't be callous. She broke up with you by text so the best thing for you to do is never text her again. She will most likely contact you again, but you have to make sure to ignore her until she decides to grow up and meet you. Forget about her now and take my advice. You were in an unhealthy relationship, no matter how happy you thought you were, and now you're not, so you can go off and find yourself some mates and talk **** about her with them.

So just forget about her and make sure you never text her again. She will eventually get worried about you and then she might feel the inclination to meet you, but don't hold out for that. It might be the best excuse for her to move on completely, you not replying, which is also good for you. The last place you want to be is limbo. Don't hang onto any undue hope, or else that will eat you up. This means you can start rebuilding straight away.

And there is no point in hating her either. There is no point in calling her "scum". It makes no difference whether it is true or not. If you hate her then you will have no outlet that hate and it will eat away at you and the people close to you. You'll end up with an antipathy to other girls over the actions of one young, immature, emotionally disjointed girl and that wouldn't be healthy. My friend hasn't been in a relationship since he had his heart broken and that is because the break-up was drawn out for months and he ended up hating women for a time because he could take none of his anger out on her. Don't let the same happen to you. Make a good clean cut and move on.

Good-luck;)

e04bf099

Moomoo1 wrote: »

maybe reply 'I can save you all the trouble and tell you who you are: you are an egoist who is only obsessed with her feelings and has no problem about hurting the feelings of others. I never thought that you of all people would refuse to even MEET with me'

Don't do this. I doubt it even true. It will not make you feel better, it will only calcify your bitterness.

Her 'figuring out who she is' is not BS. She may mean it authentically. If you accuse her of lying or BSing then you will only turn this into a bad break-up. The people on here are not involved in your life so they can quite easilly say what they are saying, with such malice towards a young girl, I might add, without facing the consequences. But you have to face the consequences so don't take the advice here too seriously. This advice, I suspect, is going to cause you damage somewhat because you are in a malleable state right now and these people are all taking out their own greivances with women on your gf.

Wibbs

ilostmysoul wrote: »

I am thinking something along the lines or "no. I just want to know the real reason this ended"
Because this "i want to find myself" stuff doesn't really make much sense to me and im not fully sure it could be the truth.

I agree, but I would put good money she doesn't quite know herself, she just knows she feels differently. The reasons may yet form or more usually get explained away to herself in ways that aren't really true. Any answers he gives you will be based on that in my humble. I reckon the "finding herself" is partly the thoughts of "is this it?" and "why do I feel differently about him?" I understand your need to know and to understand, but sometimes there's no explanation, beyond the relationships time had passed, no "fix", beyond moving on for both.

Moomoo1

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO don't do this. What will it achieve? She knows she's acting like a prick over this. If she doesn't it still won't bring you any closure, beyond a momentary release of anger and ego. It'll also just give her emotional feedback and another reason in her head that she made the right call. It'll be the expected average response anyway. Don't do the expected.

maybe you have a higher opinion of people's self-awareness than me. But I am not sure she even understands how badly she's acting, or if she does she makes excuses for it in her own mind.

I can equally say to you: what's the point in not being honest? What's the point in expressing 'quiet disappointment' when you are feeling anything but 'quietly dissappointed'?

EDIT: it's not the act itself that's important here, it's the manner. If she just broke up with him normally, then I agree, there is no point feeling furious. But it's the lack of respect that's so startling here, and makes the sort of response I suggested justified. You don't walk away quietly disappointed if someone treats you with _this_ amount of disdain...

Wibbs

Moomoo1 wrote: »

maybe you have a higher opinion of people's self-awareness than me.

TBH I actually have a very low opinion of most people's self awareness, especially in situations like this.

But I am not sure she even understands how badly she's acting, or if she does she makes excuses for it in her own mind.

Yep I agree. I'd guarantee she's making up her own reasons on the back of simply not feeling the same anymore and her emotional confusion over that.

I can equally say to you: what's the point in not being honest? What's the point in expressing 'quiet disappointment' when you are feeling anything but 'quietly dissappointed'?

Because it serves no purpose beyond a temporary release of anger that'll do nothing to change her mind or help him move on. Better to channel that anger and shock into moving forward, into looking to himself and any issues he brought to the relationship(such as the suspicion stuff that was the subject of their most recurring argument). He can't change her, he can only change himself. That's real closure.

Sephiroth_dude

Dont bother replying to her msg,by the sounds of it she just wants to use you as a safety net.

LegacyUser

I have went over reply text messages in my head so many times of things to say. And they all seem to be targeted at trying to keep her. I still just cant believe that it could end like this, and i seem to be convincing myself she will see her mistake and ask me back, especially as this is something she would not normally do (if that makes sense)

I really want her back. I hate to admit it but its true.

I have a feeling that if i am nice about it she may come back and if i dont reply or say "no i dont need to know who you are" it really drives her away and sets the break up in stone.

It sucks that im not sure if its really over or if she needs time. Im prob trying to make myself feel better thinking like this ide say.


Also, to who asked, Im in 2nd year college.

Gyalist

As much as you are tempted to reply to her latest text, do not reply. She didn't want to meet you to talk about it so you can't allow her to keep communicating with you by text. If she wants to communicate with you let her arrange to meet you face to face.

Accept that the relationship is over and start taking steps to move on.

You're young at just 20. That means that you've been together since 16 1/2. People change so much between 16 and their early 20's that I'm not surprised that the relationship came to an end.

Wibbs

Moomoo1 wrote: »

You don't walk away quietly disappointed if someone treats you with _this_ amount of disdain...

I used not to. I do now. Because deep down disappointed is mostly what I feel, with the feelings of rejection clouding that at first. Indeed disappointed that I didn't see it coming, I didn't read the person well enough and disappointed that I invested emotionally in someone who could do that to someone they claim to love. In the end though I have learned a lot from such events.

At first I thought I learned about women tm, but I have realised I've learned the most about myself. The choices I made, the decisions I took, the actions and often the inactions I took or didn't take.

Each breakup has taught me about myself. The ones where they left me taught me more than when I left them. I would say the biggest breakup of my life, the one that hurt me the most, that unbalanced me emotionally the most, taught me the most about who I was as a man. It helped me to be a better man*. With a lot of ongoing work of course and some hard facts that needed facing and fixing and some really good qualities I now know I have, that few enough have.

Looking back I now thank her and the others for it. Even the selfishness on her part(some of which you would barely credit) taught me as much about myself. I went from feeling sorry for myself when they left, to now feeling sorry for them that they missed out and don't have me as their future anymore. Not an ego thing either. I truly wish all of them so much happiness in their own journey. Because I did love them once and they made me who I am today, I could wish them no less.



*With a major side order of a phase of women(people actually) are mostly disloyal self centered children with little self awareness who run entirely on how they feel, not on what's right. Followed by a main course of lets push their really obvious emotional buttons and be a man whore on the back of it. Which made this notion about women stick even more. Of course I was selecting a type of woman that is like that and there are enough of them(just like on the male side)

Truthfully? It is fun for a while and I was never abusive like some who go down that route, so I had little guilt on the back of that. It also protects ones heart from further hurt, but it's ultimately pointless.

I'm saying this mostly to stop another guy going down that route. Yes some may need to go through that stage, like I did, but if I can help a guy learn that without possibly hurting or missing out on a genuine human being that would help him grow it would be worth doing. A fool never learns from his mistakes, a clever man learns from his mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of others. I've been all three.

Wibbs

ilostmysoul wrote: »

I have a feeling that if i am nice about it she may come back and if i dont reply or say "no i dont need to know who you are" it really drives her away and sets the break up in stone.

I know it sounds completely logical to think that, but you may be surprised. She pulled away and is continuing to do so. The more you push the more she'll pull away. That's the expected dynamic.

Moomoo1

but in a way this is nothing to do with break-ups, or even with women in general. If A treats B badly, refuses to even meet with them, treats them badly, if B is all just nice* about it, then what sort of messsage does this send to A? That B is someone with little or no self-respect?

(*of course, there is a way of being nice aggressive. But that's overcomplicating matters even more)

CDfm

OP - everything GM says is on the money.

It seems to me that the trust and reliability issues are an important part of the relationship. Good on you for bringing them up because they are her issues and not yours.She knows where you stand but she is all over the place.

Her text is pure drivel. I would go with the whole selfish and self centred thing. I mean if you sent that text to your Dad he would text you back and ask if you were on drugs. Its like melodramatic bad leaving cert poetry.

The thing for you is not to react and stop contacting her and switch the phone off. Being nice and hoping is just repeating what you normally do and hoping forgiveness for something thats not your fault.

What you should do is go out with friends and date other girls. The sooner the better. Do things and dont wait or mope around.