Am I just another over-reacting girlfriend?

JustForNow

Hi Guys

I know things like this have been discussed here before and I could be totally over-reacting but there's something that's just not sitting right with me.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years. He's great, so caring and really looks after me. I love him so much and I know that he loves me. Our sex life hasn't been great of late but we talked it out and come to the conclusion that we were both a bit down about ourselves, jobs etc and we were going to make more of an effort.

However, last night I walked in on him while he was on the internet, he jumped a mile and began to be really shady. I couldn’t help but be suspicious, he was acting so odd. He left the computer on and I went on to check my Facebook and I saw that he’s been looking at porn

Long story short, I confronted him and it turns out that not only has he been downloading porn and some pics etc (which I can kinda cope with) he’s also been texting those Escort chat lines. He told me he gets a kick out of texting them, asking them to meet up, getting the whole “what are you wearing” stuff but that’s as far as he goes. He told me he’s never actually had any intention of meeting them – it’s just the buzz of the “what if” – and I believe him. He has also told me he has deleted the numbers etc from his phone and will not text the lines again (he says he felt stupid now that it was out in the open, he was really embarrassed) but he does not want to give up the porn habit.

As I said, I can kinda understand the porn, it’s not like he’s the only man to ever use it. And to be honest I’m kinda relieved cos there was a time I thought he just wasn’t into sex at all – at least I know he has a pulse now! But the texts just aren’t sitting right with me at all. I don’t like that he had to have these conversations with other people – even if that’s all they were it still hurts.

I don’t know how to handle this at all. Half of me doesn’t want to even think about it – half of me is thinking maybe I should suggest he sends the mucky texts to me instead!

Arrgh – am I over reacting??

RossFixxxed

I don't think you are. I doubt many girls would like their partner texting hookers. If I did that I'd be RoseFixxxed pretty quick.....

ash23

Porn I can live with.
Texting a person with the potential to meet them for sex, (paid or not) I would class as cheating.

It all boils down to where you draw that imaginary line. For me, any "live" sexual interaction is overstepping the boundary from normal porn to "gone too far" porn. But thats me. Everyone is different.

shellyboo

Hmm, you're definitely not overreacting. The texts aren't on, but it seems now that he's been caught, he's embarrassed enough to stop.

If you want to stay with him, you're going to have to force yourself to get over it. Even though he was in the wrong, you're the one dealing with the fallout - but if you're staying, then that's what you choose. It's a crappy situation, but these are the things we do for love.

Talk to him, tell him what you've told us, how upset you are, why it doesn't sit right, how you feel cheated on a little and tell him that it can't continue. If you want to offer to let him text you raunchy texts instead, that would definitely be a good compromise - but don't feel that YOU have to fix this. It would be very big of you to offer to solve his need by accommodating him in this way - it's up to you whether you want to do it or not.

If it were me, I'd be wanting to see some remorse and some effort on HIS side to make it up to you, not the other way around.

JustForNow

Thanks, I suppose it just knocked my confidence a bit

As I said, we haven't had the best sex life and sure typical woman the first thing I though of is it's because I ahven't been making an effort, he doesn't fancy me etc. And I think there was something in me that wanted to just shut the lid on Pandora's Box as soon as I found out what was in there

But it has hurt, I can't stop thinking about it. Last night I wanted to hear his explanation but now, all day I've been avoiding talking to him. I'm so confused

It's just shocked me I suppose - my perfect man's not so perfect after all

shellyboo

It's a natural reaction to want to do things differently yourself, because that's easier than getting him to change. But you shouldn't have to compromise so much to cover his mistakes. I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive him, I would in your situation - but I sure as hell wouldn't be going too far out of my way (yet) to make up for the fact that he can't text escorts anymore.

You definitely need to talk to him about what prompted him to do it and talk about your sex life.