Boyfriend's ex any advice please!!

LegacyUser

hi all, going unreg for this one and would really love some advice.. basically with my bf a year now and am crazy about him, all going well except after 1 year he still tells me stories of things him and his ex used to do together and it's really starting to p*** me off!
He's Welsh and moved to Ireland about 3 years ago. He was with his ex before he moved for 9 years, they both moved to Ireland together but she didn't want to live here so she returned to Wales after about 3 months and they broke up.
ok i realise 9 years is a long time and a big part of someone's life but they haven't been in contact for at least 2 years and he's still talking about her.
for instance if we're out shopping or going for dinner or just talking about general stuff, anything that reminds him of his ex gf will start him off reminiscing "my ex gf used to have a car like that.." and a funny story thrown in about him teaching her how to drive... or if we're out for dinner "me and my ex used to go to this pizza place every sunday and blablabla..."
i do realise he's had a life before i came along and that's fine but i'm starting to feel like she's being shoved under my nose everytime we experience something new as a couple. and he always smiles and when he's telling these stories about her..
i've said it to him and he's told me i'm being ridiculous...
so please tell me, am i being a jealous cow here or should he not be over it after over 2 years?
i purposely don't talk about my ex of 5 years around him because i feel like i'm being rude. How should i approach this i don't want a big argument with him again!!

minidazzler

You are being quite reasonable, but you must remember that he was with her 9 years, and if she hadn't disliked Ireland they could still be together.

She was a HUGE part of his life and coloured his perspective on things.

Most of his anecdotes will involve her, would you rather he just not talk about his experiences, remember, she made him who he is.

You could ask him gently to stop mentioning her so much, and go about building ye're own stories to tell.

Nervous Wreck

TBH, it sounds like he's probably not ready to be in a serious relationship at the moment. I'd tread carefully and know when to cut the cord.

jmbkay

Start reminscing about your ex too. And if he doesnt want to hear it, tell him you dont want to hear about his ex all the time too. And if it continues, youll have to review the situation.

MizzLolly

Right, I wouldn't usually read something like this so black and white but I am afraid it doesn't sound good. Apart from the fact that the guy clearly isn't ready to leave his ex in the past, the constant reminders aren't doing you any good.

My ex boyfriend used to do this to me all the time. We'd be driving around in the car for instance and he'd drive up to where an ex lived to ''show me her house''. Or he'd mention something about how he accidentally lay on her cat when he was staying her in house or how her mam and himself got on great etc. Just loads of irrlevent stuff about his past relationship that had nothing to do with me. He'd text his ex's all the time and even if he didn't say it in such words I constantly felt like I was being compared to them. It's really unhealthy territory and it can be very upsetting.

We broke up horribly, he cheated, lied etc then I found out the following day that he'd text an ex telling her how he still loves her etc. Obviously, for me, that was awful but even for his ex, how much can she really mean if he could be in a relationship with me while he supposedly loves somebody else? Men who do this are not capable of being in love with anyone because they've become far too fixated on the past. I can almost promise you if that ex had have taken him back, he'd have cheated on her within the week because emotionally, he wasn't able for a real relationship.

Your guy, while not as extreme, is not in the headspace to be with anyone right now, not you or his ex. How does it make you feel when you remember a day spent with him but your memory is completely shadowed when you recall him mentioning what him and his ex did that was similar? From my experience, when men start doing this to you they make you question everything about your own relationship. I know that for me, certain songs and places where I once had many fond memories of him only remind me now of his relationship with someone else. Don't look at it as any kind of reflection on you, his last relationship ended for a reason. If he wants to get all sentimental about it while he's with you then the guy is a fool.

One thing I regret is not telling him to bugger off and see if his past will cuddle him when he's lonely. I don't get all nostalgic about my ex's and I don't expect guys to do it with me. It's rude, it's disconnected and it doesn't make you feel like you're number one. I know I never felt like I came first, I felt like I was standing at the back of a long queue of women that I felt utterly inferior to and I became resentful of those girls. It's not a nice place to be at all but one thing I didn't realise at the time was that he wasn't with them anymore and that his relationship with them failed for a reason.

I think you should set down some ground rules, tell him that you couldn't care less about what he did with his ex. Tell him that you feel he thinks more about his past relationship than he does about his current one and tell him that you want it to stop. I don't think it's at all unreasonable. Men getting sentimental about their ex's is such a dampener. He needs to decide if he wants a relationship now or if he wants to stay day dreaming in his past. The two can't work together.

My 2c anyway. I am wrecked and probably over sensitive to this because of my ex but hopefully you can take something positive from my waffling.

LegacyUser

thanks all, i was kind of thinking along the same lines myself but we've both been single for 2 years straight before we got together and i have totally fallen for him in a big way.
There was even talks of us moving in together but i don't know if i can go ahead with this unless the ex. thing stops.
Initially i didn't want to bring it up and come across as the clingy, jealous gf which generally i'm not at all. but it's annoying me so much that i am going to sit him down the next time he mentions her and say it straight out (just have to figure out how to word it!)
if it doesn't stop after that i'll just have to face facts that he's not ready to be in a relationship

wish me luck!

Semele

Ok, to give the other side of the issue...

I was with my ex for 4 years and we're still very close friends. I'm seeing someone new and I have to make such an effort not to mention my ex 20 times on every date as I'm afraid its making him uncomfortable or suspicious. It's almost impossible though- 4 years is a long time, we lived together, most of our friends are mutual ones...thus almost every story I have involves my ex! If I checked myself every time I wanted to tell one of these conversation with the new guy would be non-existent. I dont make a big deal of it and its only recently I've become aware of how often it happens. I dont know how to get around this though- to me it'd be weirder to twist the stories so they don't involve the ex...its only BECAUSE the break-up is such a non-issue for me now that I can mention her name without attaching any significance to it.

krudler

He could be doing it and not realising it as well, think about it probably every major ,and minor, for that matter event in those 9 years involved her, he cant disassociate those experiences and memories from her. I'd mention it to him but not in a "why do you keep going on about her way" just say he seems to talk about her a bit and it makes you a bit uncomfortable, if its ready for a serious relationship again with you it shouldnt bother him to keep the ex talk to a minimum, we all have a bitch about our exes at times at first in a relationship but its because we can all relate to past experiences

nesbitt

krudler wrote: »

He could be doing it and not realising it as well, think about it probably every major ,and minor, for that matter event in those 9 years involved her, he cant disassociate those experiences and memories from her. I'd mention it to him but not in a "why do you keep going on about her way" just say he seems to talk about her a bit and it makes you a bit uncomfortable, if its ready for a serious relationship again with you it shouldnt bother him to keep the ex talk to a minimum, we all have a bitch about our exes at times at first in a relationship but its because we can all relate to past experiences

Just be careful when confronting someone that you are not accused of being jealous. Is there any possibility he gets a hit of going on about the ex and tries to make you jealous? Surely he sees you glaze over when he starts this crap? I was on the receiving end of this and was accused of being jealous of an ex, and really I was not in any way just fed up. I never really mention any ex cause it is IMHO crass. People can be total jackasses and your issue may get blurred so be clear with him. Ex comments are a pain in the ass IMHO. Tell him your not interested and ex is an ex for a reason, they broke up!