Over Stepping ex?

wolfpawnat

I don't want to sound like I am jealous or that I am controlling, but my boyfriends ex refuses to act appropriately around us.

She was always a bit tempermental but her moods go from lovely and selfless to anti-christ in 0.5 seconds without warning and she was never prude, but now she talks about sex openly and quite detailed in front of us and asks us about our sex lives, which we have both told her is unacceptable.

She also tries to text and call him all the time, which annoys him as much as it does me, but the annoying thing is he doesn't actually tell her to back off as she has "family issues", without sounding like a b!tch, but who doesn't have problems in their lives. She also has very few friends, to which I am convinced the Jekyl and Hyde situation is responsible for.

We have a baby together and she is truly appalled I didn't choose her for Godmother. I only know her a year!!!

I don't mind her being around, but they are boundaries I would rather have respected. Am I just being a bitch?

Gyalist

She sounds like she needs psychiatric intervention.

Am I just being a bitch?

No.

princess-lala

Everyone has "family problems" - tell her to back off!!

And nope your not being a bitch, your being very tolorant, I cant say I would be the same in your position!

spinandscribble

its your bfs place to draw the line. its not acceptable at all.

wolfpawnat

I know it is his place, but he is so busy trying to dance around hurting her feelings that he's annoying mine!

princess-lala

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I know it is his place, but he is so busy trying to dance around hurting her feelings that he's annoying mine!

Tell him this, he needs to know what shes doing to you! Your the one that had his baby

wolfpawnat

princess-lala wrote: »

Tell him this, he needs to know what shes doing to you! Your the one that had his baby

Well sadly I have, "but they know each other years":rolleyes: He is blissfully ignorant to her constant flirting! If she behaved normal around us I wouldn't bat an eye-lid, but alas no hope of that. He keeps saying we should distance ourselves from her to me, but never actually does. He is ignoring her calls and texts though when I am not around.

spinandscribble

wolfpawnat wrote: »

He is ignoring her calls and texts though when I am not around.

well if thats the case he's just trying to annoy YOU. don't play into his game, ask him directly why he's only answering it when you're around.

princess-lala

spinandscribble wrote: »

well if thats the case he's just trying to annoy YOU. don't play into his game, ask him directly why he's only answering it when you're around.

Totally agree

wolfpawnat

spinandscribble wrote: »

well if thats the case he's just trying to annoy YOU. don't play into his game, ask him directly why he's only answering it when you're around.

Actually he only answers it when I'm around when I say it is okay for him to answer it. He is pretty good about everything except for telling her to stop being so damn inappropriate about her sex life and uncontrollable tantrums

shellyboo

Why are you saying it's ok for him to answer? He needs to cut her out, permanently. Ultimatum time.

Amazotheamazing

shellyboo wrote: »

Why are you saying it's ok for him to answer? He needs to cut her out, permanently. Ultimatum time.

Ultimatums don't work, particularly in an instance like this. He's an adult, he should be able to see the ex for who she is, if he can see who she is and keeps her around, ask yourself why he is.

wolfpawnat

shellyboo wrote: »

Why are you saying it's ok for him to answer? He needs to cut her out, permanently. Ultimatum time.

I say its ok, becausae sometimes she doesn't know I'm there and I want to see what she wants!

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Ultimatums don't work, particularly in an instance like this. He's an adult, he should be able to see the ex for who she is, if he can see who she is and keeps her around, ask yourself why he is.

Exactly, giving an ultimatum will not end well for me! It makes me look like a over-possessive Cu#t of a girlfriend. Besides he genuinely cannot see it. Thats the most annoying part! He genuinely thinks there is no flirting there, but girls can tell when other girls are flirting long before fella's can see it.

Amazotheamazing

wolfpawnat wrote: »

Exactly, giving an ultimatum will not end well for me! It makes me look like a over-possessive Cu#t of a girlfriend. Besides he genuinely cannot see it. Thats the most annoying part! He genuinely thinks there is no flirting there, but girls can tell when other girls are flirting long before fella's can see it.

All I'm going to say that if guys can't read the signs but women can, maybe ye should have a secret meeting and change the signs? It's not that men aren't observant, it's just that we're not mind readers.

But back on topic, why do you think he puts up with her? No guy really needs more drama from a girl they have no future with, whether they know each other years or not, imo.

shellyboo

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Ultimatums don't work, particularly in an instance like this. He's an adult, he should be able to see the ex for who she is, if he can see who she is and keeps her around, ask yourself why he is.

But he CAN'T see it. So unless the OP wants to dump him, she has to make him choose - annoying ex gf, or lovely new gf. Simple as that, tbh. There's no reason for him to have her in his life at all, so why is he putting up with her.

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I say its ok, becausae sometimes she doesn't know I'm there and I want to see what she wants!

Then you're enabling her just as much as he is, and feeding into her attention-seeking behaviour. If your kid was throwing a temper tantrum, would you pay attention or ignore? You'd ignore, because all a child wants is attention. Same principle applies here. Cut her off and she WILL disappear because she's not getting any feedback.

Gyalist

Shellyboo is correct.

If your boyfriend only answers her when you are around, you are unwittingly creating infrequent random reinforcement. It is highly addictive behaviour (its the reason why, for example, slot machines are so addictive) and is probably the reason why she pursues him so doggedly.

If you want to get rid of her you will both need to ignore her completely.

If you take your son to the supermarket and he knows that you will get him sweets at the checkout he will come to expect it. If you never buy them and always ignore his tantrums he will eventually learn that his bad behaviour will not be rewarded. If you buy them only occasionally, you're setting yourself up for disaster every time you enter the supermarket because he will try to recreate the conditions for which his previous bad behaviour was rewarded.

Chocoholic84

Your b/f sounds like he has no back-bone tbh. Well either that, or he wants to keep in contact with her and he's afraid to tell you. YOU are his g/f now, YOU have his child, and this other one sounds like a complete headwrecker.

I know you feel that ultimatums are a bit strong, and I would normally tend to agree with you, and it's not on having this one texting and ringing your b/f the whole time - I'm sure he'd just LOVE it if your ex was like that, hmmmm?

Methinks an ultimatum (well, put nicely of course ) may be the only solution to this!

Ickle Magoo

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I don't want to sound like I am jealous or that I am controlling, but my boyfriends ex refuses to act appropriately around us.

I think it's more your boyfriend refuses to tell his ex to go away or act appropriately around you both. She only does what she can get away with, it's entirely up to yourself and your bf to distinguish the boundaries. If your boyfriend wants to keep his ex in his life despite her calling constantly or being inappropriate, that's a far bigger issue than anything the ex is doing.

Wibbs

I have to agree with the others. It's your boyfriends issue.

I had an ex that kept me in daily contact for a year after the breakup. Her boyfriend, the one she left me for, went along with this. She told him she was in contact, but of course not by how much. Hell she even called him by my name a few times. Sent the wrong text to him etc. The word that sprung instantly was Sap. Only I started to feel sorry for this eejit who I never met and told her sorry game over, I'm sure she would still be in daily contact years later.

Who do I blame? All three of us TBH. Me for not nipping that guff in the bud, him for being an utter eejit, but mostly her for being disloyal to us both, but especially her BF. He got the worse end of that deal by far.

If your BF wants his ex out of your lives it would be incredibly simple for him to do. "I'm sorry we can't be in contact anymore. I wish you well. Goodbye." Not rocket science.

If he can't do that, why not? Does he need her in his life? For what? Ego, emotional connection etc? Why doesn't he get that stuff from you in that case? If not any of that then it boils down to a lack of spine IMHO. Not a good thing in a man. With a child involved? Jeez.

miss_feminem

Wibbs wrote: »

I have to agree with the others. It's your boyfriends issue.
If he can't do that, why not? Does he need her in his life? For what? Ego, emotional connection etc? Why doesn't he get that stuff from you in that case? If not any of that then it boils down to a lack of spine IMHO. Not a good thing in a man. With a child involved? Jeez.

I agree with Wibbs here. Why hasn't he ended contact completely? I don't understand the family issues part - so what? What has that got to do with him? Surely she has other friends to talk to? Does he like having her around? Can he not see that it upsets you?

goldilocks77

She's the ex, what's her problem? Tough one, sounds like he's caught in the middle but his place is at your side; you're a family now. Hope she cops on and moves on - all the best.

wolfpawnat

Thanks for the opinions. I am a bit to blame too, but I don't like the idea of sounding like a b!tch to himself. I don't want to sound like I want to control him.

Anyway an update. He went out over a month ago for a night, he went out this weekend for the Haye vs Valuv fight, he has the right to go out, he invited me, but I was exhausted so I said no!

He went to the pub with the lads, and she (the ex) came over to him with one of her friends. The friend was extremely rude to himself, saying things such as "I don't like you" and "Oh my god your out again" this lady is a single mother of 2 who goes out every weekend, one if not both nights, so she cannot make a comment on his once a month!

This woman only ever met us once before this encounter, so whatever assessment she made on my boyfriend was clearly made on what she had heard from the ex. The whole time the ex was trying to quieten the friend.

So I was on facebook tonight and I was talking to her about her weekend, I made comment about the friends comments to my partner, I was told what the f was it to me, and to f off or she promises I won't know what hit me and I am NOT to talk to her parents (whom I always got on with).

What type of a childish brat gets to think she can tell her mother and father who they can and cannot talk to!?!

I was actually shocked and showed the conversation to my mil, we don't get on too well but jesus she was shocked at the messages.

Not too heartbroken to be able to get on with my life now!:)

SheRa

Im confused. You talk about her being very toxic, and even threatening to you and your relationship, yet you talk to her on facebook and want to be pals with her parents? You do realise that you are encouraging her behaviour dont you?

wolfpawnat

SheRa wrote: »

Im confused. You talk about her being very toxic, and even threatening to you and your relationship, yet you talk to her on facebook and want to be pals with her parents? You do realise that you are encouraging her behaviour dont you?

I know her parents for a long time, they are close family friends so I have always gotten on well with them.

I talked to her on facebook to be polite, I never wanted to be seen as a bitch, by my partner or anyone else. My eagerness not to be seen as a bad girlfriend was part of the reason I ended up in this situation.

Kimia

That's your decision to make, but really, why do you care about looking like a bitch? Loads of people have already said that your boyfriend is the one who should tell this girl to back off. But seriously, you're not helping the situation by pretending to be her friend just so you won't look like a bitch (crazy reason to be friends with someone!!).

I really don't understand this situation!

Tell your boyfriend that she's making you uncomfortable (although I don't know how he'll take you seriously, considering you 'seem' to be great friends with her), and STOP pretending to be her friend.

Be consistent.

wolfpawnat

She sent me messages today saying she would gladly do time to see that I f off. I try my best to have minimal contact with her. So I told himself outright now either she is gone or I will take our son and leave, because she is a danger to me and our son. She really is twice as unhinged as I thought and I now know she is capible of harming a child.

Ginny

Why have you not blocked her?

wolfpawnat

I did block her, I should have said she sent me text messages today saying that!

Das Kitty

Why haven't you called the guards? She has threatened you with physical violence!

Seriously don't respond at all just go straight to the guards.

Ginny

If you're O2 you can block her texts too.

wolfpawnat

Because without getting catty, what will they do, go to her home and tell her to behave, nothing more. And then cause more trouble. I am just going to pretend she doesn't exist, I will be in the town for another 11 days before I move to South County Dublin.

wolfpawnat

Dammit, I was O2! Changed networks!:mad:

Kimia

My god this is mad! What an escalation!

Totally ignore her and tell your boyfriend she is threatening you all!

Jules

zombie thread!