New shoes -dumped his old ones he went MAD

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I live with my boyfriend and thought i knew him pretty well. For ages he was on about getting new shoes, so I found a pair he would just adore. This old pair of shoes had a huge hole in the sole, where the ball of the foot is, and I thought about the danger element in that, which is why I got the new ones for him (which were sorta €€€€ thinking they will last longer) I took his old ones and threw them out into the rubbish bin then down to our dumpster beneat h the apartment block. When he came home I surprised him, and told him I had thrown out his old ones because a new pair walked into the house (jokingly) He went mad, he screamed at me for throwing out his shoes, slammed the door and shouted about how I don't respect his property and I should not have done that.

He still won't talk to me. What should I do?

Amazotheamazing

reallife wrote: »

Hi there,

I live with my boyfriend and thought i knew him pretty well. For ages he was on about getting new shoes, so I found a pair he would just adore. This old pair of shoes had a huge hole in the sole, where the ball of the foot is, and I thought about the danger element in that, which is why I got the new ones for him (which were sorta €€€€ thinking they will last longer) I took his old ones and threw them out into the rubbish bin then down to our dumpster beneat h the apartment block. When he came home I surprised him, and told him I had thrown out his old ones because a new pair walked into the house (jokingly) He went mad, he screamed at me for throwing out his shoes, slammed the door and shouted about how I don't respect his property and I should not have done that.

He still won't talk to me. What should I do?

I would suggest dating an adult, or at least, someone capable of buying their own shoes if the needs arises.

MissFlitworth

I'd be down in the dumpster getting his old ones back and then sayin' sorry if it were at all possible! Even though it came from a lovely place there's something a bit mammy-ish and controlling about throwing someones shoes out and replacing them. The screaming and door-slamming on his part is a total no-no and I wouldn't be letting him away with that, but I can see where he's coming from with being annoyed

Wibbs

Jesus he sounds like a child on the basis of that. Is there any other stress in his life that may explain it coming out like this? Would you normally be the sort it out yourself, even slightly controlling type with regard to him?

I'm only asking as it sounds like a real OTT reaction and when I've flipped over really bloody stupid stuff in relationships in the past it was down to either stress or being on the receiving end of a little too much of the Irish Mammy syndrome tm .

If it's none of the above he needs to catch himself on and control his emotional impulses.

krudler

Well I wouldnt be happy if my OH threw away something without asking me, no matter what it was, but he was out of order screaming at you, everyone has a pair of beaten up runners or whatever that you keep even though they're wrecked, I have a pair of cons on their last legs but if someone chucked them I'd go mad as well, but hes acting a bit childish about it

ash23

Do you do this type of thing on a regular basis?
Would you frequently clear out his wardrobe/old magazines/food? Does he have to ask to do things?

I only ask as I think one of two things happened.
Either he is an ass who took a bad mood out on you and had a drama queen moment.
Or he is feeling like you are being too controlling and babying him or making decisions for him. Has he ever suggested before that you might be too controlling or have you guys ever fought about something related?

LegacyUser

I don't get why people are saying he is out of order. It would be infuriating to have ones personal posessions thrown away without asking. He is probaby furious that you don't have the common sense and social competence to know that you don't just throw property belonging to other people in the bin. It's even more baffling to him that you can't see anything wrong with it now. What were you thinking?

Terodil

Difficult case tbh, I think you had a great idea OP but sadly didn't execute it too well =(

I personally would NEVER touch something I knew my OH had some attachment to, without asking her first. In this case, even if you thought the new shoes were awesome, he had not had a chance to try them on or judge them for himself yet, yet you tossed his old ones out. = you did not only clear out his fav pair of shoes (I guess, since he wore them so much they had holes), and disrespect his property, you also took away his right to say he loved the shoes or not. That kinda marred the really nice initial gesture of buying him new shoes.

That said, he did overreact by far, given that you tried to make him a present.

I think you should just sit down together, discuss it briefly and wipe the slates clean. The best intentions do not always yield the best results. Chalk it up to experience and laugh about it tomorrow.

mike65

How well do you know your OH? Really?

Never, ever presume to throw out other peoples property. You don't own him.

Moomoo1

I'd react the same - my shoes are my shoes, and that's final

metrovelvet

He acted like a child because you treated him like one. Basic psychology. When you fall into one role [parent] the other tends to without even realising it fall into its counterpart [child.]

Are you mammyish in general? Do you think this outburst was a cummulative affect of being babied?

deisemum

You started off doing something nice but you blew it when you threw out his old pair. You shouldn't have thrown out his old pair and should have waited until he saw the new ones and then let him dispose of his old ones if that's what he wanted to do.

annon123

i agree you probably shouldnt have thrown out his shoes without asking him, but i also think they he shouldd get over it. it is at the end of the day a pair of dirty smelly old worn shoes and priorities at this stage of life should come into it. when he comes down off his high horse make sure he knows he was out of order. Let him know you were sorry for taking it on yourself to throw them out, that your heart was in the right place and in this day and age people have more things to worry about than his silly pair of shoes...and let him know that it should be him grovelling to u with an apology for acting like a pre pubescent teenager storming out and slamming doors.
good luck

LegacyUser

annon123 wrote: »

i agree you probably shouldnt have thrown out his shoes without asking him, but i also think they he shouldd get over it. it is at the end of the day a pair of dirty smelly old worn shoes and priorities at this stage of life should come into it. when he comes down off his high horse make sure he knows he was out of order. Let him know you were sorry for taking it on yourself to throw them out, that your heart was in the right place and in this day and age people have more things to worry about than his silly pair of shoes...and let him know that it should be him grovelling to u with an apology for acting like a pre pubescent teenager storming out and slamming doors.
good luck

See, it's not that small an issue at all, it's not about a silly old pair of shoes, it's about general respect for the wants of other people and their right to their property, consideration and simple manners and common sense for Gods sake. The OPs actions show a lack of understanding of the basic etiquette that should be followed in all types of interpersonal relationships and when people fail at what should be very well understood areas of life it is very annoying. I mean no offense by the next statement but throwing out anything belonging to anyone else without asking them is very very stupid. Again, no offense, I'm not saying the OP is stupid but this was a glaringly stupid move. It has nothing to do with him being babied, it's just a very vexing thing to have done. Granted, he should apologise for shouting and losing his cool but in no way shape or form should consider grovelling and I'd be expecting a reciprocal apology for the lack of consideration shown and would be fairly insistent that the old pair of shoes were fetched pretty lively. I'd start there OP.

Wibbs

Maybe it's just me here, but unless my shoes were of an antique nature hand made by midget mermaids in Fiji, I wouldn't flip. I would ask why did she throw them out without asking me first, but after I thanked her for the thought. Now if she was constantly in Irish Mammy Mode tm I would be irritated majorly and I would likely drop her like a hot potato as it's a big bugbear of mine. Any sniff of that and I'm gone. I've even walked out halfway through dates when I saw it in action. Even so I still wouldn't act like an Irish Son tm and have a toddler like strop. I've lost the plot emotionally with women in my life twice. In both cases I was ashamed of it. Dead right too. Forget about them, I let myself down. No excuse in my humble for a man to do so beyond the age of reason and maturity.

davyjose

We've all flipped out over innocuous stuff in the past, so lay off him in that regard.

What I would do is go down to the dumpster and try to fish out his old shoes. Give them a clean, so they don't stink of rubbish. Then take the new shoes, the receipt and return them.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the responses guys.

It hadn't been more than even an hour that I had gone down with the bin bag, and so I grabbed my keys and headed for the door when he lost the head. The bag would still be there, I could open it, and take them out and bring them back up. All that was in that bag were my old shoes and some tshirts I didn't want anymore. He said no, he said he didn't want "dumpster shoes". I argued that the hole in them on the sole would be bad for his health. Nothing to do with mammying at all, he has an exact replica of these shoes that he didn't like as much, and as they've no holes in them they're still here. He just particularly happened to like that pair, something I didn't know because he complained about them having a hole in them all the time.

I've been looking online all day for the same pair. It's going to be very expensive but as an I'm sorrry gesture I'm getting him the exact same pair again.

I don't think it has much to do with control but more about the safety and wellbeing they boyfriend. His family would put it on me if they knew he was going around with holes in his shoes. They're done that before when he wore his oldest tshirt and jeans to his dad's retirement party and I had a new outfit on which my mother bought me. they jokingly accused me of having spent all his money in my last shopping trip!

MissFlitworth

Wibbs wrote: »

Maybe it's just me here, but unless my shoes were of an antique nature hand made by midget mermaids in Fiji, I wouldn't flip. I would ask why did she throw them out without asking me first, but after I thanked her for the thought

I don't know if it's the same for the OPs boyfriend but speaking as someone who can currently see the floor in her bedroom through the holes in one pair of shoes and is congenitally slightly scruffy and forgetful, the reason it pisses me off if someone tries to get rid of something I own that's a bit manky/holey (especially if they do it on the sly and then tell me about it like I'm some kind of infant 'they walked out the door and a new pair walked in' style) is the implication that they don't think I can look after myself. It often spreads to other areas of your life as well and can end up with someone, out of the goodness of their heart, treating you like you're a bit of a simp ('Have you got your keys?' 'Watch out for that car there!' etc. etc). It used to really annoy me when my Mam did it with my stuff and if my partner were to try it it would drive me bonkers.

It could be totally different for the OPs boyfriend but it's just what would be annoying me to high heavens if it were to happen to me

davyjose

Tell his family to fùck off, tbh.

your second post kinda makes it clear that your bf is a bit of a cantankerous eejit too. I wouldn't bother my arse getting him replacements. Tell him to stop being a baby.

Dumpster shoes :rolleyes:

MissFlitworth

forgetlastname wrote: »

Thank you for the responses guys.
I argued that the hole in them on the sole would be bad for his health. Nothing to do with mammying at all, he has an exact replica of these shoes that he didn't like as much, and as they've no holes in them they're still here.

I don't think it has much to do with control but more about the safety and wellbeing they boyfriend.

That's kinda what mammying someone is, kids need people worrying about their health and safety, grown up boyfriends don't

iguana

forgetlastname wrote: »

I've been looking online all day for the same pair. It's going to be very expensive but as an I'm sorrry gesture I'm getting him the exact same pair again.

While I do think you should not have thrown out his shoes I also think that you should absolutely not buy him a replacement. Go take the shoes out of the dumpster, clean them up if they need it and put them back in his wardrobe - mention it, apologise again but that should be the end of what you need to do.

You did a nice thing, unfortunately you did it the wrong way, but you were still trying to be nice to him. You don't need to prostrate yourself and indulge him anymore.

CDfm

OP - it was a really nice gesture to buy him new shoes

people are funny about shoes and I bought my son some shoes I thought he would like - not a good idea old ones fine

gave him money to buy some but it got spent

in town with g/f who took pics of shoe options on her blackberry and emailed him and he got what he wanted

I know you OH is being a little childish with the dumpster shoe routine but taste is personal in clothes and the like

i am braving up to a wardrobe cull soon -but i get to choose what is culled not my OH

Bottle_of_Smoke

He's annoyed at you about something else.

It would really really drive me mad if you bought another pair. Would feel like you're trying to have the upper hand (on an already ridiculous situation)

He knows its ridiculous, thats why he told you not to get the shoes from the bin. He just wants to be annoyed at you. Establish why.

opinion guy

forgetlastname wrote: »

I don't think it has much to do with control but more about the safety and well-being they boyfriend. His family would put it on me if they knew he was going around with holes in his shoes. They're done that before when he wore his oldest tshirt and jeans to his dad's retirement party and I had a new outfit on which my mother bought me. they jokingly accused me of having spent all his money in my last shopping trip!

To be perfectly honest I'm taking a slightly different tack to this than others. I don't think you are playing Irish Mammy tm - at least I don't think you are starting out that way, I think your Bf is playing Irish Son tm (copyright Wibbs 2009)(complete with Stroppy Tantrum optional extra) and it sounds like both your BF and his family are expecting you to step into mammy role. Does he/they expect you to do other Mammyish things ? I'd be asking serious questions in that case. Do you want to play mammy to him?

Whilst I do think there is merit to the arugment that they were his and you shouldn't have thrown them out, I also think - FFS what kind of grown man doesn't buy a new pair of shoes and throw out the old ones out when they have a hole in them, and not to wear something other than his oldest t-shirt and jeans to a retirement party.

IMHO - I 'd be saying sorry for throwing them out - once. But I wouldn't be putting up with this bull**** flounce and I certainly woulnd;t be dealing with the passive-aggressive bull**** he's pulling there after.


On an aside - when did Ireland stop having bin's and skips and start having 'dumpsters'?

Nervous Wreck

It's a tiny point that mightn't really be of much use but, for some people, I reckon it could be a fair one....

I'm a size 8 shoe (easy now, that whole thing is a myth). If someone gave me a size 8 shoe to wear, it would go on my foot. Grand. But. I have an old pair of converse upstairs. The right one is black, the left one is blue. I don't know where their matches are. There are holes in pretty much every part of them that could have holes. The laces are worn, the soles may as well be made of oil (given how much they slip and slide on smooth surfaces), they're filthy beyond belief and have ink, sand, dog-sh1t and whatever else ingrained into them at this stage. But they fit. Any size 8 will go on my feet but these battered old converse fit because they're mine. No one else would let these things into their front garden, nevermind on their feet. But to me, they're perfect..... My point is either made or stupid. But it sounds like your OH kinda has the same point...

ash23

forgetlastname wrote: »

I argued that the hole in them on the sole would be bad for his health. Nothing to do with mammying at all, he has an exact replica of these shoes that he didn't like as much, and as they've no holes in them they're still here. He just particularly happened to like that pair, something I didn't know because he complained about them having a hole in them all the time.

I've been looking online all day for the same pair. It's going to be very expensive but as an I'm sorrry gesture I'm getting him the exact same pair again.

I don't think it has much to do with control but more about the safety and wellbeing they boyfriend. His family would put it on me if they knew he was going around with holes in his shoes. They're done that before when he wore his oldest tshirt and jeans to his dad's retirement party and I had a new outfit on which my mother bought me. they jokingly accused me of having spent all his money in my last shopping trip!

Stop trying so hard. I'm guessing he is a grown man? Let him off. You are trying so hard to please him that it sounds like you're annoying him. He might like to be scruffy. I'm guessing he does. He is probably the type that is quite lax about things like clothes and he has (by the sound of your second paragraph) been spoken to about his scruffy appearance by his mammy on numerous occasions. And now you're starting.

Don't dare seek out a new pair of expensive shoes to appease him. While I think you crossed a line when you threw out his shoes, you don't need to grovel. You've apologised. I actually think if you get him the shoes it'll be a bad move and he'll view it as more mammy type behaviour.
Let him buy his own clothes and his own shoes. I used to buy my ex clothes sometimes but only things like underwear and shirts and only when he asked me (when I was going shopping for myself). He was an adult and his appearance was his responsibility.

As for the argument about his health and safety. Jesus, if my boyfriend told me he was doing something for my health and safety I'd feel very patronised and annoyed that he felt I wasn't capable of looking after my own health and safety! Drop that argument smartish because the more you say things like that the more annoyed he will get.

nesbitt

If it is possible for you at this stage I would retrieve the old shoes from the dumpster. Then I would get a refund on the new shoes.....

I would take things easy in this relationship and tread carefully, it seems there are issues on both sides. Mind you that is par for the course when two people get together.

What bothers me about this most is not you displaying the mammy in you (not such a dreadful quality IMHO!) but the fact that your other half looses it and goes off on one.

Esel

Dumpster? Are you and your partner American by any chance? That might explain his behaviour to some extent, imo. (I'll probably get flamed for saying that! :eek:)

Whatever you do, don't wash his blankie.

I'm surprised at the responses here. How dare you throw away something belonging to someone else? I would be FURIOUS if my OH did that. I have a pair of Converse which are full of holes and dirty but I still like to wear them sometimes. It isn't up to my partner to decide whether or not I should keep them. You just don't throw away other peoples' possessions! I suspect the reason he is angry is that your actions were controlling and presumptious. Buying him a new pair would have been a nice gesture but you had no reason to throw out the other ones. My boyfriend is a very reasonable and easygoing person, but he would be very, very angry if I did something like that.

Eve_Dublin

I would be absolutely FUUUUUUUUUUUUMING if someone did this to me. Fuming. I´m very territorial over my things.

But I´d calm down within an hour or so and probably apologise for acting like a bit of a baby when I realised my OH´s heart was in the right place.

Like another poster said, I think there´s an underlying issue here.

CDfm

ash23 wrote: »

Don't dare seek out a new pair of expensive shoes to appease him. While I think you crossed a line when you threw out his shoes, you don't need to grovel.

i could be easily bought off

i think the mammy thing is true -a person doesnt mind being spoiled etc but it crosses a line if you treat someone like a child.

muppetkiller

Just a question OP that might be relavent.

Did you guys find this place together or did you move into his ?
Maybe there are some space issues you need to address ?