Vengeful Urges

LegacyUser

I got dumped a few months ago after a relationship that chugged along for a couple of years, and it took me all of 7 hours to really realise that I would be better off without him. I thought I loved him, but with the clarity of separation, I realised that I was stooping way below my league and he was an unemployable, sponging, free-loading, constantly stoned keyboard hero.
So, by breaking up with me, he did me a tremendous favour - I am far better off financially for a start. I cut off all ties and am generally moving on healthily.

However, I keep getting urges to seek revenge, and hurt him, as I know I easily could. I'm not usually an angry person, and I know releasing the fury would do neither of us any good. We met on another internet forum, which I don't really use anymore, but I see him popping up and flirting with other posters etc. It's very annoying. I should never ever look at it, but you know how irresistable these things are. (At least I deleted his facebook.) A few choice posts from me could quickly and easily do him terrible hurt and humiliation.

How do I stop longing for revenge? Or should I just lower myself and enjoy the cheap and nasty thrill of retribution?

Oh The Humanity

A woman scorned wrote: »

We met on another internet forum, which I don't really use anymore, but I see him popping up and flirting with other posters etc. It's very annoying. I should never ever look at it, but you know how irresistable these things are.

Eh, you're putting out your hand to be slapped there!

Stop looking at the forum where he hangs out and you won't feel the urges any more.

Use your willpower to stop yourself looking.

e04bf099

Self-governance! There would be no excuse in the world for doing what you're thinking of doing.

LegacyUser

Your vengeful urges are temporary. You bad memories and sense of humiliation if you pursue them will be permanent.

Seriously, vengeful acts will only slow down your recovery from this relationship and distract you from dealing with the actual pain you're in. After you get some cheap and nasty thrills, you'll still have that pain only you'll have lost the moral highground and you'll have battered your own self-esteem around that bit more.

You say it took you all of seven hours to realise what you're better off without this loser yadda yadda - yet still you're fuming.... it sounds like you are refusing to acknowledge your sadness over the loss of this man. You're looking to deaden your feelings even more with cheap distractions. Instead you need to let yourself grieve for this relationship. There are no short cuts through grief, but when its done its done.

ash23

Ah, good ol' vengeance.
I sought it once, did something about it and regretted it pretty much immediately. Only because I came out of it looking worse than he did (although he did suffer).

My advice (and perhaps it's not the healthiest but it worked for me), is to fantasise about it. Get your girlies around for wine and a good bitc*ing session where you tell them what you would love to do in a funny and imaginative way.

My favourite was to go to his house (I still have a key) and leave some saucy underwear tucked down the bottom of the bed, or an empty condom wrapper under her pillow (her being the girl who he cheated with).

We'd have a giggle plotting revenge and that was it, nothing actually done but you nearly feel like you've done it.

As time passes the urges wane and eventually disappear altogether.

kittenkiller

All you need to do is think about how sad people will think you are if you take action.

I mean for the first little while after you've cut him down publicly and ruined his online rep you'll think you're the bees knees, but what happens when he just cruises onto another site of no one bothers searching his previous posts etc. you'll just be that girl to stay away from who doesn't know how to let things go.

Be a grown up and just move on.
Keep yourself distracted and off the internet as much as possible.

Best of luck.

opinion guy

kittenkiller wrote: »

All you need to do is think about how sad people will think you are if you take action.

+1

A woman scorned wrote: »

.......I realised that I was stooping way below my league and he was an unemployable, sponging, free-loading, constantly stoned keyboard hero........

So really he sounds like a total pathetic loser anyhow. Just be glad you got rid of him. Besides....karma catches up with people eventually.

Just think of him this way. He had an intelligent woman who loved him and he didn't realise how special it was to have that. Now he has lost that and he's so stupid he hasn't even realised it yet. At some point he will be in a jam or something and he will realise his mistake. What could you possibly do thats any worse than what he has already done to himself. Frankly he should be pitied by the sounds of things.

cafecolour

A woman scorned wrote: »

A few choice posts from me could quickly and easily do him terrible hurt and humiliation.

A few choice posts from you could quickly and easily have you forever branded as a 'crazy ex-girlfriend' and give him - and the entire forum that knows you - endless entertaining fodder for ages to come.

What do you want in 4 months? You having moved on and him crying to himself and **** furiously over the one that he stupidly 'let get away'? Or him thinking 'thank god I got rid of that crazy bitch when I did' and everyone laughing at your posts when they're sent to http://emailsfromcrazypeople.com/?

daisybelle2008

A woman scorned wrote: »

I got dumped a few months ago after a relationship that chugged along for a couple of years, and it took me all of 7 hours to really realise that I would be better off without him. I thought I loved him, but with the clarity of separation, I realised that I was stooping way below my league and he was an unemployable, sponging, free-loading, constantly stoned keyboard hero.
So, by breaking up with me, he did me a tremendous favour - I am far better off financially for a start. I cut off all ties and am generally moving on healthily.

However, I keep getting urges to seek revenge, and hurt him, as I know I easily could. I'm not usually an angry person, and I know releasing the fury would do neither of us any good. We met on another internet forum, which I don't really use anymore, but I see him popping up and flirting with other posters etc. It's very annoying. I should never ever look at it, but you know how irresistable these things are. (At least I deleted his facebook.) A few choice posts from me could quickly and easily do him terrible hurt and humiliation.

How do I stop longing for revenge? Or should I just lower myself and enjoy the cheap and nasty thrill of retribution?

A lot of this urge is a frustration with yourself for staying in a dissatisfactory relationship and the fact that he did the breaking up which is further injuring your pride as you feel you were too good for him. No good will come of it. You are mad with yourself for not breaking up with him sooner. Maybe work on why you would settle for two years in such a relationship with someone you have so little respect for. He was an unemployable, sponging stoner while you were going out with him and you choose to be with him, there is nothing to be mad with him about now. Especially now he is out of our life.

e04bf099

Do you think he manipulated or took advantage of you? There is no point in blaming him. You can't brand him. The people on the forums don't care. They would only get annoyed at you for de-railing the thread.

Just relax and your next bf will wipe the memory clean out of mind.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the eminently sensible replies. Some excellent points, well made.
I think it helped just admitting that I had these stupid ideas. I won't be acting on them!

G-Money

Yeah, you defo should avoid revenge. It's very tempting and appealing, but you are setting yourself up to be portrayed as some nutty, needy, clingy, bunny boiling ex. And he will no doubt get a kick out of that.

Is that what you really want? I didn't think so

Just try and forget about it and avoid the temptation to check up on what he's doing.

Lucyx

Hi OP

Good for you for deciding not to go ahead with the plans.

I do think though that you are still hurting over this guy and not allowing yourself to feel the pain. It won't go away if you ignore it. He hurt you when he broke up with you. Its a sh1t thing to happen to anyone. you're human to feel down and sad about this so don't deny your feelings.

Remember the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference.

you don't hate this guy, you hate the pain that he put you through.
C'mon it didn't take you 7 hours to get over him at all. Admit that at least to yourself anyway.

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

+1




So really he sounds like a total pathetic loser anyhow. Just be glad you got rid of him. Besides....karma catches up with people eventually.

Just think of him this way. He had an intelligent woman who loved him and he didn't realise how special it was to have that. Now he has lost that and he's so stupid he hasn't even realised it yet. At some point he will be in a jam or something and he will realise his mistake. What could you possibly do thats any worse than what he has already done to himself. Frankly he should be pitied by the sounds of things.

Excellent from opinion guy... I too was treated like crap and dumped in a horrible way but what is said above sums it up for me and no revenge is needed. Im havent lost anything other than 17 stone of a useless lying cheat who was never good enough in the first place and there was 2 innocent children involved in my breakup

To the OP keep your head held high and walk away knowing that he is the one losing out