Boyfriend criticising me?

LegacyUser

I'm in a fairly new relationship and everything is going great except that my boyfriend sometimes criticizes me for things I do & say and it really upsets me. He tells me I'm just too sensitive & he doesn't mean it in a bad way. For example, last night we were out and I was slouched down in the seat in the pub because I was really tired, but he told me to sit up because I looked like I was drunk the way I was sitting. It's always small things like that but the way he says these things makes me feel like a silly little girl and I'm not at all!

He has told me that he used to be very concerned about what people thought of him and he was always trying to please other people, but he says he's not like this anymore. I think he is though & that this is why he's doing it, because if I'm with him, then as far as he's concerned he's being judged by how I'm behaving.

In every other way he's great & I want to deal with this now rather than leave it build into a bigger problem. What do people think? Am I being too sensitive? How should I deal with this?

LegacyUser

too sensitive? wrote: »

I'm in a fairly new relationship and everything is going great except that my boyfriend sometimes criticizes me for things I do & say and it really upsets me. He tells me I'm just too sensitive & he doesn't mean it in a bad way. For example, last night we were out and I was slouched down in the seat in the pub because I was really tired, but he told me to sit up because I looked like I was drunk the way I was sitting. It's always small things like that but the way he says these things makes me feel like a silly little girl and I'm not at all!

He has told me that he used to be very concerned about what people thought of him and he was always trying to please other people, but he says he's not like this anymore. I think he is though & that this is why he's doing it, because if I'm with him, then as far as he's concerned he's being judged by how I'm behaving.

In every other way he's great & I want to deal with this now rather than leave it build into a bigger problem. What do people think? Am I being too sensitive? How should I deal with this?

Hi OP

I used to go out with a person like this. Do yourself a big big big favour and end it. He is being passive agressive and will make you very insecure about yourself long term because of his own insecurities. No one should tell you to be anything besides what you are. You are not too sensitive. He's just making you paranoid. If little things annoy him like that, imagine what he will be like in a couple years? You are your own person with a lot to offer someone. There's nothing wrong with anything you do. If you or nobody else didn't notice these things as problems before now, why are they a problem now because he says so? Don't waste your time on someone like him.

kjl

Yes you are, but at the same time, if you boyfriend is saying things that are making you upset then he isn't someone you should really keep around.

Tell him that you don't want him to make comments on what you do, its disrespectful and downright rude.

Truth is he is probably doing it because he is insecure, this is a common guilt transferal things people do.

castle

Talking with experience of over 20 years dating etc,
It is only a matter of time before he says to you don't think that is the right thing to wear people will think this about you etc.
To me the warning signs are there and you have correctly put the issue here so you are not ignoring his bullying .To me it is a form of bullying, who is he to tell you how to sit, think about it.
You need to sit him down and explain to him to keep his mouth shut unless he has something positive to say.
Be careful don't let him bring you down he will give him more control over you, please control your own future.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. As I've said it's not what he's commenting on as they're usually fairly small issues, it's the way he says it. He is normally a lovely caring person & but he becomes quite cold and even a lttle bit nasty when he is making these comments and when I tell him not to, he tells me that he is only saying it for my own good & to help me. That's what's making me worried tbh. I'm going to bring this up with him tonight.

LegacyUser

too sensitive? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. As I've said it's not what he's commenting on as they're usually fairly small issues, it's the way he says it. He is normally a lovely caring person & but he becomes quite cold and even a lttle bit nasty when he is making these comments and when I tell him not to, he tells me that he is only saying it for my own good & to help me. That's what's making me worried tbh. I'm going to bring this up with him tonight.

Always trust your gut in these things. Alarm bells go off for a reason. It doesn't sound good from what you are saying. You can do much better than him. He sounds exactly like my Ex. I had similar reactions when I first started dating him and I wanted to end it. But then he would play the little boy lost and beg me to stay, sometimes he cried. He said same about things being for my own good. It is my biggest regret that I didn't follow my gut instinct on him. He put me through hell and I couldn't leave because I thought I couldn't be without him. He destroyed my confidence. I am so grateful I got away from him.

Your BF sounds the same as him. How come no one else noticed these things before him? He's talking crap. You survived before him and you'll survive without him. He's supposed to be your boyfriend, your equal, not someone who has signed you up as his little transformation project. And remember, all personalities like that are charming. Get out and don't make mistake I made.

miec

Hi Op

Listen to 'experienced' sadly she is talking sense. Like her I attracted similar control freaks in the past. They started off small, like the way I was sitting, etc, it grew and grew as I gave them more power over me. I was an eager pleaser and would do anything for the quiet life and to make them happy. Your boyfriend gets cold and nasty in the criticism so that you will do as he asks

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Please take your time whatever you decide,
But my opinion for what's it worth,
One , you accept his behavior(because overall he is a nice guy)but no nice guys do not criticize their other half)

Two , just up and leave and take the experience with you which will help you become a better person more secure etc,

Three, next time he says something to criticize you,pull him up straight away even in front of other people,if he says he did not mean or you are to sensitive, tell him none of that matters you better not speak to me like that again end off. and tell him if he does it again then we are finished.

He knows what he is doing, it is called chipping away at your confidence you whole self , you said he worries what people think of him which must make him feel low thus he wants you to feel the same.
If you hang around someone who is negative then no matter how strong you are it will change you and not for the better.
My advice for what it is worth is leave now and meet someone who will worship you the way you should be.
The longer you stay there the harder it will be to leave .
As said before here go with your gut
Best of luck

daisybelle2008

too sensitive? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. As I've said it's not what he's commenting on as they're usually fairly small issues, it's the way he says it. He is normally a lovely caring person & but he becomes quite cold and even a lttle bit nasty when he is making these comments and when I tell him not to, he tells me that he is only saying it for my own good & to help me. That's what's making me worried tbh. I'm going to bring this up with him tonight.

This is very worrying. What makes him the authority on what is best for your own good? The fact they are small issues is also a bad sign. He sounds like a nasty control freak and I think you should heed the warning signs. This is the tip of the iceberg as you are in the early stages of the relationship, it will get much worse.

e04bf099

If he is being nasty about it its a no-brainer. Couples control eachother all the time. We control ourselves. Its healthy. But for him to be nasty about it is not for your own good even if what he wants to control about you is(which is not necessarilly the case). If he can't discuss it with you reasonably then you have no hope as a happy couple.

krudler

Run as fast as you can, my girlfriends best friend put up with this for years, her boyfriend would say snipy little things to her in front of us to make it look like he was in charge, stuff like "your hair is messy" or "that dress isnt great" he reduced her to tears at a birthday party once in front of everyone,he was a right prick, it completely destroyed her self esteem and she was convinced he was the best she could do , all because he made her think this way, dump this idiot as soon as you can OP, it may seem like "small" things now but thats how controlling relationships and unfortuntately, domestic violence begins, its all about men controlling their women, dont let him get away with it

kjl

too sensitive? wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. As I've said it's not what he's commenting on as they're usually fairly small issues, it's the way he says it. He is normally a lovely caring person & but he becomes quite cold and even a lttle bit nasty when he is making these comments and when I tell him not to, he tells me that he is only saying it for my own good & to help me. That's what's making me worried tbh. I'm going to bring this up with him tonight.

Forget That, what are you a dog, is he trying to train you.

He sounds like a total control freak, get rid of him now. There is no excuse for him treating you like that other then he has no respect for you. This is not going to be a long relationship no mater what you do, take the respect by breaking up with him

Peggypeg

Yeah have to agree with the above, thankfully though you sound fairly sensible in that you realise this isn't ok. Honestly I'm on my high horse about this one, I'd be really showing him who's boss if it was me but then I have a bit of a temper. I'd be waiting for the next time he critises and then at the top of my voice I'd say "who the hell do you think you are? :mad: What makes you think it's ok to critisize the way I sit/dress, what are you, my mother?:mad: THAT IS SO PATHETIC, we're over!!" then I'd probably flick my hair and stride to the door. Well that's how it goes in my head, probably with some strong female type theme music in the background. Ah seriously though it sounds like a fairly nasty personality trait to have and do you really want to be with someone who wants to control you (I don't know it's that myself but others here sound like it's familiar to them). If you decide not to split up and you stay with him, just be very very very conscious of your boundaries. If he says something and you can't figure out if it's ok just ask yourself if you would say that to him or how would you feel if your sister/friends partners spoke to them like that. Look after yourself missy.

pisslips

This narcissism is all I seem to see from men and women , usually more subtle than that, it's fairly depressing.
One in love, one narcissist.
The one in love is probably happier of the two despite being walked on.

kjl

Hey OP, give us an update will you.

I have a friend who treats his gf this way, and I butted in and said he is acting like a prick. People like this are just extremely insecure and feel the need to pass the buck when it comes to their insecurities.

opinion guy

kjl wrote: »

Hey OP, give us an update will you.

I have a friend who treats his gf this way, and I butted in and said he is acting like a prick. People like this are just extremely insecure and feel the need to pass the buck when it comes to their insecurities.

butting in? dangerous territory. THou as an occasionl butter-inner i admire the bravery

LegacyUser

opinion guy wrote: »

butting in? dangerous territory. THou as an occasionl butter-inner i admire the bravery

I wish people had butted in when I was dating my Ex. It wasn't until we broke up that people said how they had noticed how much he had undermined me. He started out sweet, then the comments came, soon he was screaming at me in rage if I didn't think or act like he wanted me to. Everything I did upset him and everthing was my fault. How I even used my knife and fork to cut my food annoyed him. OP I hope you see sense and get away from your guy. People like that are ticking timebombs and have too many issues with their past and their families. You don't need that. He'll bring you down to his level.

LegacyUser

Hi all.

Thanks for the replies. I had a conversation last night with my bf and brought up the whole issue of him criticising my behaviour. He genuinely couldnt see what I was getting at and basically said that I was being paranoid.

So I told him I wanted to finish it. My concern (apart from the criticism) is if he's not willing to even try to see my side on something that is an issue for me, then he's doesn't really have any feelings for me anyway.

He then made it all my fault that we were breaking up so I think I'm well out of it!

miec

Well done OP and fair play to you, I am really impressed with your decision, you have said yourself a lot of future heartache and misery.

opinion guy

too sensitive? wrote: »

Hi all.

Thanks for the replies. I had a conversation last night with my bf and brought up the whole issue of him criticising my behaviour. He genuinely couldnt see what I was getting at and basically said that I was being paranoid.

So I told him I wanted to finish it. My concern (apart from the criticism) is if he's not willing to even try to see my side on something that is an issue for me, then he's doesn't really have any feelings for me anyway.

He then made it all my fault that we were breaking up so I think I'm well out of it!

Given his reaction sounds like a good decision OP. Sorry you had to deal with this but you'll find someone who treats you right

kjl

too sensitive? wrote: »

He then made it all my fault that we were breaking up so I think I'm well out of it!

Proof in the pudding there, he is trying to pass the buck again. I hope for his sake he learns something from this.

As for yourself, I'm very proud of you. You made a difficult decision and you will be a stronger person for it and as a previous poster has said before, you've saved yourself a lot of hassle.

If he is like this now, he was only going to get worse.

jmbkay

OP, you were dead right. Didnt like the sound of him. Underneath he probably doesnt feel good about himself, but thats not your problem. Women who stay with jerks like him end up as jibbering doormats. You deserve better. F him. Get another one. A better one.

LegacyUser

too sensitive? wrote: »

Hi all.

Thanks for the replies. I had a conversation last night with my bf and brought up the whole issue of him criticising my behaviour. He genuinely couldnt see what I was getting at and basically said that I was being paranoid.

So I told him I wanted to finish it. My concern (apart from the criticism) is if he's not willing to even try to see my side on something that is an issue for me, then he's doesn't really have any feelings for me anyway.

He then made it all my fault that we were breaking up so I think I'm well out of it!

Well done OP! Don't look back. Cut contact with him and don't let him manipulate you further. You have the upper hand now, if you give him an inch he will convince you to take him back when he starts feeling sorry for himself.

Onwards and upwards! So happy for you! :-)

BumbleB

too sensitive? wrote: »

I'm in a fairly new relationship and everything is going great except that my boyfriend sometimes criticizes me for things I do & say and it really upsets me. He tells me I'm just too sensitive & he doesn't mean it in a bad way. For example, last night we were out and I was slouched down in the seat in the pub because I was really tired, but he told me to sit up because I looked like I was drunk the way I was sitting. It's always small things like that but the way he says these things makes me feel like a silly little girl and I'm not at all!

He has told me that he used to be very concerned about what people thought of him and he was always trying to please other people, but he says he's not like this anymore. I think he is though & that this is why he's doing it, because if I'm with him, then as far as he's concerned he's being judged by how I'm behaving.

In every other way he's great & I want to deal with this now rather than leave it build into a bigger problem. What do people think? Am I being too sensitive? How should I deal with this?

As mentioned b4 passive aggressives are the worst kind to deal with because they are so covert .

This behaviour raises red warning flags big time.

This is how it works ,all bullies operate like this, he will start small then start chipping away at your self esteem ,eventually you will have a problem ,then he will tell no one will ever love you because of xyz ,which is all bull . I know I ve been bullied b4 went thru hell and back . Next time he tells you what to do, tell him to go and f**k himself ,you are your own woman and you do what you like and (never forget that ).

I mean it say it as printed, see what happens then he mighten be so pleasant then.

P.S well done in moving on ,good luck .

Emme

Well done OP, you're well rid. I only discovered this thread now and alarm bells started ringing. I dated a similar guy when I was younger and because he was a bit older thought that his suggestions were for my own good. Just like you he would tell me how to sit, where to sit (usually facing away from everyone) and what to wear (frumpy stuff). The suggestions escalated and it was always my behaviour that was a problem. He stopped me seeing my friends, gave out about my family and it was only when he started hitting me that I left him. He would laugh when his friends ridiculed me instead of supporting me. Controlling behaviour starts out small and insidious but if you listen to your gut instinct something will tell you it's not right. Good luck for the future and don't go back, no matter how much he tries to convince you.

LegacyUser

Hiya!

going unreg for this.

This isnt ok at all.

I was in a simular situation as you.

my boyfriend (of nearly 4 yrs) used to tell me that he hated what I was wearing that I looked horrible, he used to tell me what to wear and sometimes I gave in because it was easier than getting into an arguement.

Then one day enough was enough when a girl complimented me on my hair he said "oh she must be blind" I have black hair with a purple fringe which he hated! he said "I was too old for it" and I had to grow up with what I was wearing and my make up was too crazy come on Im 22 not 82!

I told him it was either accept me the way I am OR go find another girlfriend.He was shocked because I was 100% serious.

I do dress extremely well (everybody says it ) I have gorgeous hair

I take pride in my appearance once I feel great I couldnt care less what anybody else thinks.(yeah I know it sounds cocky but Im trying to prove that my boyfriend wasnt right about telling me what to wear because I wasnt going around wearing revealing clothes or a simular situation where somebody needs to tell you, you shouldnt wear that)



anyway the point is he never told me what to wear again he never told me I looked horrible,all I get wow you look beautiful now! Hes realised the errors of his ways.

He made his choice and that was to stay with me and that I wasnt gonna change I couldnt be molded and you cant be molded either its his problem if he tells you what to do not yours you need to be firm and tell him to back off or else because what next is he going to control? and that was my fear.

good luck x



Sorry for the long post x

castle

I read your post and fair play to you for standing up for yourself, but as you said your BF use to say these nasty things to you and does not anymore. The problem I see with with that is as follow's, because he does not say it out loud to you anymore doesn't mean he is not thinking it.
The reason he does not say it is because you will finish with him and he knows it, I wonder what he says to his best mate about the way you dress up make up etc.
If you believe he changed overnight then you are naive , My sister used to go out with a nice guy buy he was so jealous that he would ring her 10 times or more when she was out with friends, if she did not answer phone or had phone off she would wake up next morning with 20 missed calls, loads of texts saying where are you are you ok etc now this is only the tip of iceberg
Never nasty but he could not help himself that was just him,
but she could take no more of it and told him so and he promised never to do it again and he did not and she said she would break it off with him.
But she finished with 2 weeks later because she really cared for him after one of his friends told her that they where out on a night together when she was out. The poor guy was in bits knowing that he could not ring her and was having panic attacks thinking of her out with her friends.
This to her was worst than him ringing her 20 times when she was out.
So even though your BF tells you you look great ,you must ask yourself is he saying it to please and keep you, so Friday he passes nasty comment about your hair then you have the chat then the Saturday he says your hair looks great, do you really want a yes man is so you git him, please don't take this personally . But a leopard does not change it spots
You say he accepts you the way you are but only after you told him too, you should not have to tell a partner something like that. I think it would have been better if he said I don't like your hair that way but it is your hair do what you want.
If I bought something new and went out and my OH said I think that is not a great shirt or what did you do to your hair ,so what I like it and that would be the end of it . Would I want my OH to say you look really hot in that new shirt and your hair I bet everyone in your job is so jealous, no of course not the biggest thing all relationships must have is honestly and I think you don't have that. I think you should have accepted your BF and his opinions instead of telling him how to think. Do you understand what I am saying you have done to him what you think he was doing to you.
I would love you to dress a bit mad one night when you are going out with him and his mates,family work etc and ask him honestly what do you think and say I wont hold it against you, love to know his answer,

unregbaby wrote: »

Hiya!

going unreg for this.

This isnt ok at all.

I was in a simular situation as you.

my boyfriend (of nearly 4 yrs) used to tell me that he hated what I was wearing that I looked horrible, he used to tell me what to wear and sometimes I gave in because it was easier than getting into an arguement.

Then one day enough was enough when a girl complimented me on my hair he said "oh she must be blind" I have black hair with a purple fringe which he hated! he said "I was too old for it" and I had to grow up with what I was wearing and my make up was too crazy come on Im 22 not 82!

I told him it was either accept me the way I am OR go find another girlfriend.He was shocked because I was 100% serious.

I do dress extremely well (everybody says it ) I have gorgeous hair

I take pride in my appearance once I feel great I couldnt care less what anybody else thinks.(yeah I know it sounds cocky but Im trying to prove that my boyfriend wasnt right about telling me what to wear because I wasnt going around wearing revealing clothes or a simular situation where somebody needs to tell you, you shouldnt wear that)



anyway the point is he never told me what to wear again he never told me I looked horrible,all I get wow you look beautiful now! Hes realised the errors of his ways.

He made his choice and that was to stay with me and that I wasnt gonna change I couldnt be molded and you cant be molded either its his problem if he tells you what to do not yours you need to be firm and tell him to back off or else because what next is he going to control? and that was my fear.

good luck x



Sorry for the long post x

nesbitt

I totally agree with others that this is very toxic to anyones confidence and self esteem over time. Just think OP if one of your girl friends or family were talking to you like this? I don't think you should take this type of comment from anyone but least of all your BF.

Mind you it would be a real eye opener for you if you turn the tables and make some negative comments about him. He will probably get very annoyed with you and have a row.

Seriously so glad you are out of this now and stay out!! You will find someone who makes you laugh when you are tired and puts their arm around you and makes you feel good..... Mind yourself.

magneticimpulse

well done OP to realise he was a control freak and dump him. i agree with experienced. i dated a guy who i wasnt really into, but he seemed to really like me. then he started to be critical about everything. "oh when i met you your belly wasnt so fat", "you used to do sport now you lazy", "your driving is really bad", "you wear too much make up", i shower you in gifts and what do you complain about?? , i hate the birthday and christmas present you gave me, they useless...an inflatable wife? im so insulted (that was for the laugh), "i dont like this restaurant", "you live in this town, are you sure you know where we are going?", "your so moody", "i prefer when you had long hair", dumping me new years eve because i didnt give him a long enough kiss for everyone to see, or that i danced with my friend on the dancefloor, in fact telling this to my friend 1st before me, phoning my parents to tell them i was upset after the umpty time he dumped me, phoning my friends to say the same...but really make sure she knew how "nasty" i was and to make sure he got his story across. going to his gp when i had an after sex problem, getting the gp to phone me to say he was not the cause...going to another gp and getting unknown tablets from him, to cure the medical condition i never had!!! reporting a ex bf because he was having msn conversations with me. always turning up on "girls nights" when he would be the only guy there, but i was never allowed to meet his friends. did i add he put up a poll on a forum to get people to vote how crazy i was???

checking my emails, photos on laptop, making me delete photos if they contained ex boyfriend. telling people we were not dating when we were seeing each other. i should have followed.

this guy when nice, was actually really nice. i dont know what insecurities he had from the past, but for sure he didnt have many friends and i saw why not. the 1st time he met me he told me to f..k off. then the next night in the pub cos 4 men were chatting me up he decided to talk to me and sweep me off my feet. i stupidly fell for him, but he destroyed my confidence completely. made me feel the size of an ant and nearly destroyed my career and friends. its starts of little and builds up. everything i did was wrong according to him. i would go into rage due to frustration and since him ive been mood free. overall the guy was nice, but he really never saw what he was doing. i knew i should have dumped him 1st, but he started crying when i did. at the time my friends were so happy to see me in a relationship. but now they make comments like, you can do so much better and he was a bit odd....

its not normal at all....always follow your gut instinct. dont let your confidence get knocked and never be a victim