Living with an Alcoholic

trench foot

Hello,
my mother is a very hard drinker. she spends the evenings and weekends pasted out on the couch or in bed.
my mother has developed two personalities because of her drinking, one for when she drinks and one for when shes sober.
the days or mornings she is sober she acts as if butter wouldnt melt in her mouth. this really pisses me off as she never takes into account the fact that she has been drunk for three days solid, when during that time she never speaks to anyone.
she then tries this comforting act when shes sober, and reverses the problem on me. my father feeds her appetite for drink and denies theres a problem. he always sides with her no matter what.
this leads to alot of anger amongts my siblings. im normally the scapegoat for the built up tensions in the family and find it very difficult to deal with the verbal abuse all the time. i've come to the point where i am emotionally crushed and i feel i stare death in the face every day.
i've tried to confront my mother on a number of occassions.
the last time i told her sister about it, her sister confronted her, so then my mother kickd me out of the house.
i have been away about six months since then and have returned home.
the other time i confronted her she called the guards and had me removed from the house by the guards and said i was on drugs and making threats.
all that time i have never been able to hold a steady job or maintain any friendships as i feel i am a nervous wreck every day. i dont know what i should do. i feel we are going around in circles and that another confrontation is on its way.
leaving is not a option as family is the only thing i have.

Oh The Humanity

Your Mother is in denial and your father is enabling her.

You can do nothing about this situation, especially if the family have chosen you as the scapegoat or family 'black sheep'

Once that label is assigned to you, whether justified or not, you will be made responsible for everything wrong that goes on.

Your only way out is to get out of this toxic situation. Thats what you have to work twords.

If family is all you have, then change that, develop more friends and work twords becoming financially independant from the family.

Al Anon is supposed to be a good support for family members of alcoholics.

cafecolour

You mentioned your mother's sister tried to confront her once (and you got kicked out of the house because of it). Do you have a good relationship with her? Can you live with her for a while you get on your feet?

Can you get on the dole at least, enough to get a flat elsewhere and look for a job?

You definitely need to get out.

LegacyUser

Have to agree. There is nothing you can do here. Your concerns have been voiced and nothing has changed. Also you don't need the stress of all that fighting and the guards being called.

How old are you OP? You say family is all you have. Why is this?

If you are over eighteen its perfectly normal and healthy to get your own place and build your own life. All you need is a deposit plus a months rent in advance. Maybe you could put it to your parents that its better for you to move out for an easy life for everyone? They might help with the deposit?

Its tragic to have an alcoholic in the family, but as a young person, its your future that matters right now. Move out, make friendships and then later you can re-address issues with your family, it doesn't seem like this is the right time for that now.

trench foot

I'm over 18. All this kicked off when I dropped out of college. I was normally seen as the gifted one who was going places and when I decided the course I was doing in college wasnt for me there was a gradual change of attitude towards me.
I was always used to encouragement and found myself a very confident person. After I dropped out, I was constantly put down by my mother, saying that I threw away all my chances and I had nothing left. She went on saying that she couldnt face her friends and so on.
There were instances afterwards where she met former teachers of my school and told them I was still in college (two years after I dropped out).

I cant bare the anxiety when I walk into town. I always feel like taking my anger out on someone to make a point and bring this issue public.

I've tried the whole move out independent thing but make enemies fast and brude and remain alone all of the time.

trench foot

I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to EXPLODE!

cafecolour

Okay, that's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The way you are thinking you are going to get drunk yourself, start a fight with someone for no reason, and end up in jail.

As said, contact http://www.al-anon-ireland.org and go to one of their meetings.

What do you mean you 'make enemies fast'. You need to learn to be independent, and got on with folks. Can you go to counseling?

LegacyUser

Yeah I'm in agreement, sounds like you need to move out and get independent. Once you're out, you need to get some hobbies and some friends. Sitting in brooding will get you absolutely no where. Maybe ring the simaritans if you're feeling really angry etc. you wouldn't want to take that out on someone random.

mega man

it sounds like alot of this is your fathers fault.
if you have enough common sense to see what your mother is doing is wrong and if your father cant, hes not setting a good example for you.
if hes letting this happen then people will walk all over you for the rest of your life.

Babooshka

mega man wrote: »

it sounds like alot of this is your fathers fault.
if you have enough common sense to see what your mother is doing is wrong and if your father cant, hes not setting a good example for you.
if hes letting this happen then people will walk all over you for the rest of your life.

Throwing blame around never helped anyone get better. His or her father may not be seeing the wood for the trees himself at the moment.
People won't walk over the original poster for the rest of his life because of what their father does or doesn't do, sorry but I think your advice is not really productive here at all. Parents do things to their kids without realising the effect its having and it's crap and unfair, but blaming them and making the op into a victim won't solve anything.

Original poster, if you're serious about doing something for yourself I reccomend getting help from a support group such as al anon. You can't fix your mother, you can't get anyone help except yourself, it's really hard but if you can be brave enough to talk about your issues and what you have to cope with, it's half the battle. If they really are all you have and you've no choice but to live with them, you're going to need support from people who know what you're talking about. Good luck and I genuinely mean that.

mega man

sorry i didnt mean it in that way. op i think you need to talk to your father. he is head of the family no matter what. its up to him to set things straight.
this shouldnt be up to you.