go online dating again? Gulp...

LegacyUser

I’m a guy in my late twenties that’s never been lucky in love. I get quite lonely and feel I have a lot to offer but just can’t seem to meet anyone. I don’t have a big circle of friends and I’m certainly not going to meet anyone through the work I do. I’m not much into the drink culture and generally feel like a fish out of water in pub/ club settings which doesn’t help.

I tried online dating on one or two free sites at one stage but it too left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m probably a bit reserved and sensitive for the malarkey that sometimes goes on on these sites. The male to female ratio didn’t help. I gave it up and was even more disheartened. My situation hasn’t improved in this past year and I feel no more close to meeting anyone despite making other major changes in my life.

I was having a discussion with a friend who suggested that by their nature, the paid sites tend to draw a more mature and genuine clientele. The question is if anyone can offer any advice as to whether this is true? I feel my mental and emotional health would be in jeopardy and frankly I’d rather not go down this road again. However, desperate times etc

Thanks in advance.

seahorse

If you've had bad experiences with this before why put yourself through that again? Especially as you say similar experiences would put your mental and emotional health in jeopardy?

e04bf099

seahorse wrote: »

If you've had bad experiences with this before why put yourself through that again? Especially as you say similar experiences would put your mental and emotional health in jeopardy?

Sorry, but thats rubbish. He tried the FREE sites where half of the girls/women think they're on bebo or facebook, and just enjoy all of the attention they get. They often say explicitly that they aren't interested in meeting a guy, and other times they waste your time by sending you lots of messages without any intention of meet up.

OP, think about it this way. A woman wants to meet a lad on these sites. But lads go on these sites casually also. There are so many lads that it is almost impossible to sift through and find the genuine ones. Often lads just go on them to perve around the sites, and sometimes the lads send lude messages. SO, does this woman who genuinely wants to meet somebody go to a pay site or a free one. In the free ones you get time-wasters, but on the pay sites - well who would pay to waste your time, tbh.

If you have other issues with these sites that I haven't picked up on please elaborate. Good luck;)!

seahorse

e04bf099 wrote: »

Sorry, but thats rubbish. He tried the FREE sites where half of the girls/women think they're on bebo or facebook, and just enjoy all of the attention they get. They often say explicitly that they aren't interested in meeting a guy, and other times they waste your time by sending you lots of messages without any intention of meet up.

Fair enough if that's your view, and from what you say it sounds like he'd be less likely to encounter time-wasters on a paid site (Women saying they've no interest in meeting someone on a dating site! Where's the sense in that?) But I know a woman who had the worst experience of her romantic life on a paid dating site, so I've good reason to be skeptical of these sites.

Call me old fashioned, but I'd prefer to meet a person in the traditional way. It's always worked for me and I'd be as unlikely to seek a lover electronically as I would to answer a personal ad in the newspaper, and that is not at all.

My beef with dating sites is that people can (and from what I can see usually do) put some degree of spin on the truth of themselves and/or their situations in order to make themselves more appealing, and what you're often left dealing with is a lot different from what you went looking for.

e04bf099

seahorse wrote: »

My beef with dating sites is that people can (and from what I can see usually do) put some degree of spin on the truth of themselves and/or their situations in order to make themselves more appealing, and what you're often left dealing with is a lot different from what you went looking for.

That happens in the traditional way just as much and just as often. People always paint a pretty picture of themselves when meeting somebody for the first time. The difference is you can't carry it off for very long (unless the person you're fooling is gullible and malleable and wants to believe verything you say - but thats O/T sorry). This is why you get the meeting out of the way very soon after the beginning of the exchange. If you don't meet within 2 or 3 weeks then move on and don't get your hopes up about anyone's profile. If you're a girl that is shy and uncomfortable then meet in a public place. Don't be selfish and lead someone on with messages if you won't be comfortable meeting the person for over a month or something. That is taking advantage and doesn't show regard for other people's time or the energy they put into the exchange.

That is just how I see these sites. They are blunt and explicit and cut out the bull**** of trying to figure out what people want. If you are looking for a relationship say it. If you're looking for a penpal say it. If you're looking for a fling say. There is NO point in being coy.

LegacyUser

I like the Bebo analogy, actually. It did very much feel like that.

I do trust my judgment so much that I knew I wasn't going to be made a fool of. However, the thought of having to endure people attempting to make a fool of you is what hurts. If I knew that the proportion of p*ss-takers on the paid sites was more favourable, I could psyche myself up for another go.

If the number of replies was better than one in maybe ten on average, wouldn't hurt either.

seahorse

e04bf099 wrote: »

That happens in the traditional way just as much and just as often.

I strongly disagree with that, but needless to say you're entitled to your view.

LegacyUser

seahorse wrote: »

I strongly disagree with that, but needless to say you're entitled to your view.

Thanks for you input but in my case, it's a slightly moot point because the "traditional way" has been the least successful of all. If I were lucky enough that I were more 'good' at it, then I wouldn't be where I am. It's a question of empathy rather than honesty, really.

cafecolour

I've done a lot of online dating, and for the most part met a lot of nice guys who I had no chemistry with. Occasionally it worked.

OP it sounds to me that you put too many of your eggs into one basket. I'd gather you went online before, put in a lot of time, got your hopes up, got burned by time wasters.

Key is diversify. If you're going to join a pay site, go for it, just limit yourself to half an hour a day or something so it doesn't take over your free time.

Then start at least two outside activities. Tag rugby, book club, volunteering, etc. It'll expand your social circle of acquaintances, as well as generally expanding your horizons and interests and keep you less focused entirely on whether the girl on the online site has responded to you yet or not.

BraziliaNZ

yeah i tried a free one before, and if you are lucky enough for women to respond to your message, most of the ones i was messaging didn't really seem interested in meeting up, so i didn't really get it, i don't know why they're on there if they think it's too weird to meet people off the sites?
As I broke up with someone recently, i was thinking of trying it again.
I could never pick up girls in clubs/bars and there are no girls at work and my friends here are all settled nowadays so I never really meet new people. When I was living abroad I would regularly hook up with girls but that was because I was always meeting new people.
So I might try it again but what other options are there apart from the stupid free fish one? are the pay ones better you think?

e04bf099

i don't know why they're on there if they think it's too weird to meet people off the sites?

They think its bebo.

seahorse

qqqqqqqqqqqqq wrote: »

Thanks for you input but in my case, it's a slightly moot point because the "traditional way" has been the least successful of all. If I were lucky enough that I were more 'good' at it, then I wouldn't be where I am. It's a question of empathy rather than honesty, really.

I don't understand your empathy rather than honesty comment? However, I think carecolour's advice is the best so far on this thread. I think you should not limit yourself to meeting people in any one particular way.

e04bf099

seahorse wrote: »

I don't understand your empathy rather than honesty comment? However, I think carecolour's advice is the best so far on this thread. I think you should not limit yourself to meeting people in any one particular way.

I may be totally off base here, but I think he means that empathising with people is difficult especially when in public with people you don't know very well, people don't really appreciate too much honesty. That is what councillors are for, and people you are very close to. But at the same time if you are shy or defensive it makes it difficult to empathise because you are always guarding your actions and statements in case you should do something wrong.

But people that are socially "successful" empathise mostly and have little need for honesty, which comes later.

Nobody was saying he should limit himself. He was secifically asking about dating sites. So I answered his question to the best of my ability, even if you don't think it was the "best" advice.

seahorse

e04bf099 wrote: »

I may be totally off base here, but I think he means that empathising with people is difficult especially when in public with people you don't know very well, people don't really appreciate too much honesty. That is what councillors are for, and people you are very close to. But at the same time if you are shy or defensive it makes it difficult to empathise because you are always guarding your actions and statements in case you should do something wrong.

But people that are socially "successful" empathise mostly and have little need for honesty, which comes later.

Nobody was saying he should limit himself. He was secifically asking about dating sites. So I answered his question to the best of my ability, even if you don't think it was the "best" advice.

There's no need for you to defend the validity of your advice, just as there's no need for me to defend my finding some piece of advice more helpful than others.

As to the interpretation of the OP's meaning re 'empathy', I hope it is a misinterpretation tbh, because extending empathy is a small, random and occasional part of meeting new people. To empathise without honesty, by the way, is not to empathise at all.

miec

Hi Op

Personally I believe that online dating is part and parcel of how people meet today, yes there is the traditional method which works for some but not for others. I tried both and had more success with online dating and the man I am engaged to, well I met him from a free site. However, I did have a very mixed experience on both paid and free sites.

On the free sites I experienced a lot of men looking for a legover, similar to guys I met in pubs and clubs, that wasn't my cup of tea, but I also came across geniune men. On the paid sites I didn't get that as much but I would encounter some men who were very desperate to meet and whilst I agree that one shouldn't waste time, I needed to be able to swap e-mails and get a sense of the person. I did not respond to e-mails that doled out a number and told me to ring them or when can we meet with no details about the person or even a picture.

I do trust my judgment so much that I knew I wasn't going to be made a fool of. However, the thought of having to endure people attempting to make a fool of you is what hurts. If I knew that the proportion of p*ss-takers on the paid sites was more favourable, I could psyche myself up for another go.

Like you my partner is quiet, he doesn't drink and he couldn't meet people through work and he felt the same way as you did prior to us meeting (I got in touch with him on the free site) he was about to give up because he was sickened at the way people carried on in the free site, and he is no fool either. The thing is Op I wouldn't rule it out because it can work, I think cafecolour gives some fantastic advise on balancing online dating / searching and real life. Personally when I used paid sites I had very little luck and there were time wasters there but I also met genuine people who I didn't click with so I think it is hit and miss. Good luck Op and I hope you find someone really nice.

e04bf099

seahorse wrote: »

There's no need for you to defend the validity of your advice, just as there's no need for me to defend my finding some piece of advice more helpful than others.

As to the interpretation of the OP's meaning re 'empathy', I hope it is a misinterpretation tbh, because extending empathy is a small, random and occasional part of meeting new people. To empathise without honesty, by the way, is not to empathise at all.

Ok you are clearly being passive aggressive here. Of course you're right that the way I said it was clumsy. I don't want to go over it again but safe to say I did not mean that empathy and honesty are mutually exclusive.

OP, dunno if you saw this thread but sure thought I'd be mischievous: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055720814

seahorse

e04bf099 wrote: »

Ok you are clearly being passive aggressive here.

Ermm, no. I’m simply disagreeing with you, and clearly you are having an issue accepting that.

OP, the problem that I see with someone exclusively dating online because of feelings of awkwardness in social situations is this: Sooner or later (given that the internet dating works out) it will inevitably lead to social situations; so what then? Of course you'd end up going for a drink/to the cinema/theatre/restaurant/whatever, and if a person is only comfortable meeting someone behind the safety of a computer screen, where does that leave that person when a social situation becomes necessary?

Or is it an issue that you feel anxious only during the initial meeting and are fine after that? In that case I could see internet dating as maybe a way around this, but I still feel that it's best to meet people in as many ways as possible, otherwise you leave yourself open to finding someone interesting on the internet and then having no experience that would assist you in turning that initial meet into a successful date that both parties want to repeat.

If internet dating is going to effect you mentally and emotionally then I'd think carefully about doing it again....i meet my partner on a dating site and i think internet dating is a great idea provided you treat it in a lighthearted way ....think of it as a bit of fun that might lead to something more....a way of expanding your social life....



if your lonely and looking for love i don't know if its realy a good idea ..

LegacyUser

That's all very helpful guys, thanks.

Just for clarification. What I meant by empathy was that my experience tells me that that people may be more concerned about taking from the experience rather than compensating for the fact that different people will having differing hopes. For every genuine girl being lewdly propositioned by a player, there's a genuine guy being led-on by a messer.

In a nutshell, the question is how the genuine people can meet the other genuine people with their sanity intact. I found it deeply frustrating on the free sites- I hope it's better on the paid site. As stated, the trick is probably to limit your expectations. As to how things unfold subsequently, it's up to the individual. I actually like all the awkwardness and fumbling of meeting someone new...

e04bf099

Let me know how it goes qqqqqqqqqqqqq (if that is your real name:rolleyes::D) and which site you try out as I'm trying to figure out which one is the best to invest in myself.

Thanks, and good-luck;)

LegacyUser

Thanks again, all. Just one more question. Which are the ones to consider??

LegacyUser

I was on a dating site and got chatting with a guy who wanted to meet up but I wanted to leave it for a while because of other things happening in my life which he knew about. If he was more patient we would have meet.

Maybe girls feel you expect to meet too soon.

LegacyUser

Its a male role thing. If you dont ask quick enough they move on because you arent attending to your manly duties. Ask too quickly and your a perve. Its a minefield for blokes especially without the benefit of body language.

hhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

I was on a dating site and got chatting with a guy who wanted to meet up but I wanted to leave it for a while because of other things happening in my life which he knew about. If he was more patient we would have meet.

Maybe girls feel you expect to meet too soon.

You were on a dating site flirting with single men. If you werent prepared to meet anyone surely you should have stayed off the site? I may be very wrong but Ill wager that if he were the perfect man for you you would have met him. With that in mind, how was he to know his role was simply to be an iron in the fire for you?

In other words friendship is a nice alternative if things don't work out but is it really unreasonable for men to join dating sites with the intention of flirting and getting dates?

BraziliaNZ

ok I joined a free one the other night, must have messaged about 20 girls over last two nights, and not one of them responded. I have about 3 pics up. Anyway that's it, never trying it again! I'm a good looking bloke and have had many cool girlfriends but i'm just finding it hard these days to meet someone in Dublin. What is up with these girls man?

ash23

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

ok I joined a free one the other night, must have messaged about 20 girls over last two nights, and not one of them responded. I have about 3 pics up. Anyway that's it, never trying it again! I'm a good looking bloke and have had many cool girlfriends but i'm just finding it hard these days to meet someone in Dublin. What is up with these girls man?

Ok, so out of 20 you got no responses and you're wondering whats wrong with the girls? What "line" did you use to message them? What are your photos like?
Did you read their profiles at all? Did you tailor the email to them? Or did you spam them bascially?

If I get a message that says "i like your profile. I'm into music, hillwalking and playing piano too. You sound really interesting and I hope to hear from you" well, I'd probably reply.
If I get a "hows she cuttin?" then I'm like "feck off".

Also, you're not very patient are you? Some people might not respond right away.

BraziliaNZ

well you can see that all the emails have been read. No I just think it's a mugs game for men really, and frustrating. Well I did try it before and also had the same problem, and yes each mail is tailored to be honest.
Plus I mean some of the profiles are so ridiculous with the NO WEIRDOS NO SPAMMING ME I WONT MEET ANYONE UNDER 6 FOOT YOU MUST BE THIS THAT etc. Such modesty...

oh im not into hillwalking or piano but i do like motorbikes and play the violin and have many interests, which are listed on my profile

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Ok, so out of 20 you got no responses and you're wondering whats wrong with the girls? What "line" did you use to message them? What are your photos like?
Did you read their profiles at all? Did you tailor the email to them? Or did you spam them bascially?

If I get a message that says "i like your profile. I'm into music, hillwalking and playing piano too. You sound really interesting and I hope to hear from you" well, I'd probably reply.
If I get a "hows she cuttin?" then I'm like "feck off".

Also, you're not very patient are you? Some people might not respond right away.

My experience is that you could have an interesting profile, good pics etc and easily could send 20 tailored, thought-out and considerate messages and still get no replies, good bad or indifferent. "Unread Deleted" was a common occurance and I know I'm not an ugly bloke. Women seem to easily live with being rude on these sites and the general behaviour was very princess-ish.

I wouldn't try it again for all the tea in China.

mood

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

well you can see that all the emails have been read. No I just think it's a mugs game for men really, and frustrating. Well I did try it before and also had the same problem, and yes each mail is tailored to be honest.
Plus I mean some of the profiles are so ridiculous with the NO WEIRDOS NO SPAMMING ME I WONT MEET ANYONE UNDER 6 FOOT YOU MUST BE THIS THAT etc. Such modesty...

oh im not into hillwalking or piano but i do like motorbikes and play the violin and have many interests, which are listed on my profile

Hard to comment when I haven't seem your profile. But if you want an honest female opinion PM my your profile and samples of e-mails you have sent the girls.

mood

unreg2000 wrote: »

My experience is that you could have an interesting profile, good pics etc and easily could send 20 tailored, thought-out and considerate messages and still get no replies, good bad or indifferent. "Unread Deleted" was a common occurance and I know I'm not an ugly bloke. Women seem to easily live with being rude on these sites and the general behaviour was very princess-ish.

I wouldn't try it again for all the tea in China.

A girl I know who tried. The first e-mail she got was 'I'd shag you any day'. She didn't even have a picture up! Guys can be horrible as well, it's not just women!

shellyboo

unreg2000 wrote: »

My experience is that you could have an interesting profile, good pics etc and easily could send 20 tailored, thought-out and considerate messages and still get no replies, good bad or indifferent. "Unread Deleted" was a common occurance and I know I'm not an ugly bloke. Women seem to easily live with being rude on these sites and the general behaviour was very princess-ish.

I wouldn't try it again for all the tea in China.

Woah, woah, woah... how is not reading and deleting an email from someone you have no interest in RUDE? On these sites, if you're interested, you get in touch. If you're not, you SHOULD be deleting and not getting back in touch because all it does is give false hope.

From being a woman on these sites, even a simple "no thanks, not interested" reply can result in being plagued or abused over it for weeks afterwards.

If you're of THAT sensitive a nature that some random, faceless, internet profile person can cause you offence by deleting your email, internet dating is definitely not for you. You need a thicker skin for this stuff.

mood

mood wrote: »

A girl I know who tried. The first e-mail she got was 'I'd shag you any day'. She didn't even have a picture up! Guys can be horrible as well, it's not just women!

Ok I have looked at unreg2000 profile and I think there are good reasons he got no responses. I won't go into details as me may not want this. I have also given him a few pointers that might help.

shellyboo

mood wrote: »

Ok I have looked at unreg2000 profile and I think there are good reasons he got no responses. I won't go into details as me may not want this. I have also given him a few pointers that might help.

Really curious now, lol Hope mood's advice is helpful to you, OP!

mood

Well, I can post my opinion if he doesn't mind but that's up to him.

e04bf099

I presume we're talkin' about plenty of fish or somethin' **** like that?

Nobody has mentioned the name of a decent pay site for op yet. I can't I haven't started using them. I've only used the free ones and all of the negative things said about them by the women & men here are true. They're not worth **** because girls think its bebo and lads just thrall through them pervin' over young'ns.

mood

i have seen site people recommended here before. Do a search for 'online dating' and you should fine these threads.