Need help - wasters really getting on my nerves

LegacyUser

Hi there

Okay I need some help or advice with the following:

Basically I'm really sick of the wasters that seem to surround me at the moment.

Both my brother and boyfriend are on the dole. They can't find jobs but aren't looking anymore either. They stay up all night, playing computer games, surfing the net, whatever, and stay in bed till 5-6 in the evening.

This is something that is really bugging me lately. They are both in bed as I type!!

I'm personally going through the hardest year of my life, my hours have increased and pay has decreased.

And all around me, people just seem to be chilling out, having the time of their lives.

My sis recently lost her job, and while she would rather be working, she just hangs out around the house all day in her pj's, on 'bebo'. The brother stays in bed all day, and the bf is the same. They claim they can't get jobs, which was true 6 months ago when they were looking, but now they're not even trying.

I feel so stressed out at the moment, trying to juggle college, work, bills and 'on the side jobs' to supplement my income, and everytime I come home for a chat, a break or a much needed hug, everyone is in bed!! It's so frustrating.

The worst thing is my boyfriend texted me last night at 2am saying he wanted to go for a drive, and when I wrote back that I was tired as I was working/in college all week and was working the weekend too, he got moody and wouldn't text me back (ignored me) because I wouldn't go. Yet I head over to his house this afternoon after work, at 3.30 and not only is he in bed, but when I go up to his room to see if he's getting up he tells me to 'go away'

Both my bro and boyf are good honest hard workers when they are working, but this is just taking the piss, and I'm really at the end of my thether with them.

Any help/advice on how to deal with this/ignore it, is it even my business???

I'm going out of my mind about it I feel like crying I'm so fustrated by the laziness,

thanks for listening, would love some advice.

Kevster

Hi,

I perfectly understand where you're coming from (but others here won't), but I'd actually argue that your boyfriend and these other people ARE in fact feeling a bit depressed about their situation. However, they learn to cope with it by sticking with each other because they are all in the same boat. It's common for people who are depressed (mildly or otherwise) to stay up late each night. This is because the 'reality' of their life weighs more on their mind when they see everyone else going around working during the day.

Anyway, it's a difficult place where you currently are, but it's not unmanageable. Firstly, you and your boyfriend need to sit down together to talk frankly about everything. You need to let him know how upset you are, but you must also listen to and encourage him to speak about his own predicament. Be aware that he's probably jealous of you for having a job though, so try not to say anything that makes you seem 'better' than he is.

Kevin

Lollipops23

OP I understand completely that you're annoyed and stressed out at the situation, but try to understand how they feel.

Being unemployed is soul destroying for most honest,hard-working people; you sit at the computer sending out CV after CV for the most menial, crap-paying job only to be told you're not good enough again and again.

How long do you reckon you'd stand being told that day after day before you feel like giving up?I lasted about 2 months before I took a break from job searching (i'm back searching now).

Please try to see it from their perspective. I know you work hard and feel like you're shouldering a lot of the burden. But how do you think any of them feel about having so little on that they can stay in bed all day?not good I imagine.

Darthhoob

i ditto what others have said, having been unemployed (and my OH is now and has been for a logn time) ...it is DRAINING looking for a job and not getting anywhere...they probably are quite depressed, hence the staying up all night and sleeping all day. they need to do something about it for sure...my OH stopped looking for a long time, not just cos he was depressed, but cos we had new baby and i was depressed...and had issues with special needs son and his school...was a bad time and tbh i needed him lol. he is looking again now but after a few months...still nothing! people dont even get back to you to say no and that is more than frustrating.

i understand how frustrating it is, but, seeing as they did originally try, i dont think they are wasters...just need to gain some motivation again.

i'm a nightowl...due to depression. and i can tell you that there are a few reasons for doing it. i think the main reason is it's because in the day you are expected to do something, you are pressured...which adds to the stress...at night you can relax...and you tend to take the pee with it. cause i have kids so i just end up being tired instead of sleeping till 5pm

i would have a serious chat (not nag) with your BF....and discuss things and ask if he feels down about it and try and sort things out. could try and do things for your siblings too but i think just take one at a time lol! never know they may see your BF get sorted and follow suit

cafecolour

Find some friends who have jobs and/or are active. It sounds like your entire social circle is your siblings and your BF.

I'm not saying dump them of course, just expand your social circle so you have some more active people in it and don't feel like the only employed one.

You could also gently offer suggestions to your BF/brother on ways to stay active while on the dole - for instance, volunteering is a good one.

Jack B. Badd

cafecolour wrote: »

You could also gently offer suggestions to your BF/brother on ways to stay active while on the dole - for instance, volunteering is a good one.

This is a very good idea, just because you're not being paid for doing a job doesn't mean you can't get out and be active. I know they'll get away more with it in the middle of a recession because a lot of people have lost their jobs but a prospective employer is going to look more kindly on someone who spent their unemployment period actually doing something useful rather than sleeping and gaming.

MistressPandora

I'm not trying to be negative here, but if you're caught volunteering while on the dole, you'll be taken off it pronto. My sister asked about it and they said it's something to do with not looking for work, which is pure madness.

Maybe a challenge of some kind is what your bf needs? It'll take his mind off being depressed and hopefully help him get into a regular routine.

Personally, I've been unemployed for 6 months or so and I try to keep a routine through Monday to Friday, then at the weekend I do can whatever I want. During the week I try to produce as much art as possible so by the weekend I feel like I've earned my weekend.

iguana

MistressPandora wrote: »

I'm not trying to be negative here, but if you're caught volunteering while on the dole, you'll be taken off it pronto. My sister asked about it and they said it's something to do with not looking for work, which is pure madness.

Not entirely true. I used to be a volunteer manager and once I wrote a letter for the volunteer to give to the social welfare office which stated that I would not interfere with the volunteers search for work they could volunteer if they wanted.

CptMackey

Im currently looking for work after being made redundant four months ago. I do the same as your boyfriend and brother. I spend hours every day applying for jobs. I have applied for jobs sweeping floors etc and have heard nothing. I apply for every thing not just in the area that im qualified in. It gets soul destroying!!

You cannot understand the frustration when you dont even get a letter or an email saying no. Give them a chance the see where they are coming from. They are probably like me down and pissed off the way things are going.

LegacyUser

I was very judgemental of my OH for three months after he lost his job.... til I lost mine and then I changed my tune!

Its not really possible to spend hours and hours looking for a job every day or week because we live in a very small country with very limited openings at the moment.

Remember that these guy's unemployment situation IS temporary. But if you are judgemental or very critical it will be remembered long after they're working again.

MistressPandora

iguana wrote: »

Not entirely true. I used to be a volunteer manager and once I wrote a letter for the volunteer to give to the social welfare office which stated that I would not interfere with the volunteers search for work they could volunteer if they wanted.

Ah right, I didn't realise that at all, I was going by what my sister said. I'll be sure to tell her though!

Wagon

In the same boat as your brother and boyfriend but im preparing to leave the country early next year. tell them that they should try and get some work for christmas (but dont get their hopes up. ive been applying for that too and heard nothing so far).

Being unemployed is lousy. its not exactly the time of your life, you get really bored and frustrated and being told by employers "we'll call you back if something comes up" gets to be the most irritating thing in the world because they just dont. Charity work is a good suggestion, they can still claim dole on it. but there's really nothing else they can do other than search for a bit and then wait.

Dragan

iguana wrote: »

Not entirely true. I used to be a volunteer manager and once I wrote a letter for the volunteer to give to the social welfare office which stated that I would not interfere with the volunteers search for work they could volunteer if they wanted.

Awesome that is sweet, but also not what i was told down the dole office! Maybe if i do things in reverse order, and bring them down said letter when asking the question.

Cheers for that!!

On topic, yes, the dole can really suck, but with a bit of effort, you can actually use the time constructively. There is no real need to get caught in an endless cycle of Halo and Facebook.

OP, I reckon part of your issue is that you feel this ability to sit around all day apparently trouble free is undermining your own hard work and efforts. Don't let it get to you in this way as, in my opinion, do you have some legitmate issues and stuff to deal with.

Your fella needs to be a bit more supportive i think, at the end of the day, he is the one with all the free time on his hands. That said, a dramatic change in behaviour like this, around the same time as losing his job etc would hint that he isn't enjoying the situation himself and might feel a bit trapped and powerless by his own lack of get up and go.

iguana

Dragan wrote: »

Awesome that is sweet, but also not what i was told down the dole office! Maybe if i do things in reverse order, and bring them down said letter when asking the question.

Cheers for that!!

My experience was that I had a potential volunteer who wouldn't take no from the SW office. She got me to write the letter and brought it in and got the ok. After that I used to automatically give it to anyone who was unemployed so they could have it with them when they first mentioned it to SW.

The letter has to state that your volunteer activities will not interfere with your job hunt and that your (volunteer) manager will not rely on you to an extent that you would miss a job interview, training or anything the SW might want you for. It shouldn't say that you are receiving training as that can be misinterpreted and it doesn't hurt if the letter reassures that the volunteer is not doing the work that would normally be done by a paid employee, ie, you are not taking up someones job. and you are not receiving payment.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again

Thanks for the replies.

You're right. My social circle does sort of revolve around them, and I do need to get out more. Thing is, that is easier said than done. I do try, whenever there's anything on in work I go, problem is that's not very often. I'm also so busy this year that I don't really have the time.

I have to say, reading the posts does help me to understand their situations a little better, but I have to say, it's very hard to have patience with them when they don't even try to keep busy.

I will try to encourage them to get a hobby, but I suppose, with the boyfriend in particular, my concern is why is he not doing this for himself??? Is he just a waste of space?? Happy to use the recession as an excuse for his utter lack of motivation?

My father's friend recently lost the use of his legs, and we're talking about a man who really used them - walked everywhere. I can't help thinking that if he could see these two lazy fcukers lying in bed all day with perfect legs, etc...

I do admit that maybe it only bugs me so much because I rely on them for social interaction. And I'm possibly jealous because I am so busy.

Thanks for people's help.

mood

It's very unfair to call them wasters. You have not idea how hard it is unless your going through it yourself.

Maybe you should follow the links below to read about peoples experiences of being unemployed at the moment.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055706946

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055672428