Becoming someone I don't like

LegacyUser

I feel like I'm turning into a person I don't want to be. I feel like I'm losing all respect for myself and my partner.

I started taking fat burning supplements this week and since I started taking them I feel like I've got a very high sex drive.

This week I went onto a private webcam session with a complete stranger and saw him naked and let him see me completely naked while he got off. I did this behind my boyfriends back and I've not done this behind his back before. I talked to my boyfriend about this a bit on the same day it happened and he didn't seem bothered by it, he seemed amused, but a few days later he let me know it upset him and he now suspects I've been doing this type of thing a lot, he doesn't believe it was just the one time.

I don't know what spurred me on to do this. I ended up talking to this guy from a chat room on a swingers site that my boyfriend showed me once. A few times I had gone on the site with my boyfriend and he had fun letting strangers see me topless etc. So I suppose a part of me thought it was acceptable. Since I know he goes on to multiple swingers sites when I'm not around. Ashamed to admit, I've been checking up on him. Paranoid that he will meet up with random strangers. Paranoid that he is keeping things from me. Paranoid that he'll get in touch with his ex girlfriend and leave me. He knew I was going into his history for a while but said nothing to me about it. It all came to a head last night when I was sat beside him and he opened his browser with the history open and confronted me on it. I feel like a hypocrite after telling him why I suspected him and then me going and doing something stupid.

I don't want to snoop on him anymore. I don't want to be flashing for strangers on camera anymore, but I feel like I've got no self control.

My webcam is integrated into the screen on my laptop and part of me is just thinking of smashing it in to stop myself exposing myself again. What if someone who knew me was to see my face online?

I want to make things up to him and get his trust back, but I'm just not sure how to do that. How will he know that I'm not checking on his pc, how can he trust that I'm not exposing myself online? I want to show him I'm going to turn over a new leaf. Is this something a relationship could break up over?

wolfric

Have you told him this?

LegacyUser

I've told him all of this. It's just escalated into a massive fight where he's reminding me of every way I've ever wronged him in the past. So all the old hurt is thrown back at me to live through again.

It's really getting me down.

I wish I had've had the willpower to stop compulsively checking up on him. Times I would just get into paranoid moods and not be able to stop myself.

I want to start making all this up but I'm just at a total loss. It all comes down to him being able to trust that I'm not getting up to anything when he's not around. I feel sickened by myself and just that I've totally degraded myself. I don't have any friends that I can turn to for support on this. I don't know how the relationship can move forward from this, as this is the second time where he's not believed my word on something.

cool username

I hope you don't mind me saying this but I found this kindof unsettling. Firstly why was your boyfriend bringing you on these sites in the first place and making you show yourself to other people so that he could get off? It sounds so disrespectful to me. I don't mean to sound like a prude but I really think your boyfriend shouldn't want you showing yourself online. By doing this he was made you feel that it was ok to do when it sounds like this would never be something you would have done had he not brought you on these sites in the first place?
Maybe its a control thing for him but I really think you should assess whether he is worth it.

opinion guy

I also feel like something isn't right here. Correct me if I'm wrong - but he was visiting these sites on his own yes ? Then why is he getting mad at you for visiting them on your own ? That seems very hypocritic.

Its difficult to make out your post thou. From they way you've written it, it sounds like this guy has gotten you into things you don't really want to be into and also he sounds very hypocrtic and controlling. If all that were true i'd be saying dump him, but I'm holding off on that till you can clarify somethings

LegacyUser

Thanks for all replies so far.

A few times we would have been really drunk and i'd end up stripping on cam. He encouraged it and it was fun to do together. Now I think back and it was always me, he'd not do anything on the camera. I suppose that would have made me start to think it was acceptable behaviour. Part of me has been worrying that I'm not exciting enough for him, which has been causing me to act out like this. Part of my mind had a twisted logic that if it was acceptable for me to show myself on cam with him around, it'd be the same with him not around. Now it does feel like I was cheating on him behind his back by doing that. It only happened to once, but he has blown it to the proportion where he thinks I've been up to this everytime he's not been around, as he happened to come home early that day when he caught me.

It's such a mess and I wish I had never gotten into this. I feel like I'm turning into a right tramp and it's not me.

He said what I was doing (whoring myself on camera) was much worse than anything he would have been doing. I can't verify what he has or hasnt been up to, but on his profile, the one of many, but the one he gave me access to, he has some old naked photos of himself posted up. So I'm starting to think what I did could just be on the same level maybe as what he's been doing.

I'm sorry if it's hard to make out what I was writing, I was very upset at the time.

LegacyUser

This bothers me too...

For all the reason stated above...but:

He shows off your body to others on webcam + you take fat burning supplements = you show off your body to others on webcam.

I honestly cannot think of ANY fat burning supplement that makes you horny (for want of a better word) so it is more likely that making a desperate effort to lose weight makes you feel confident (perhaps even defiant) without him because? (You decide what the answer is, I cannot guess it for you, I don't know enough.).

THEN having acted independently of him, you feel guilty.

Even with so many pieces missing, it looks like a very unhealthy cycle of some kind to me.

Without knowing more, I would suggest that, particularly as the only ones that actually work are illegal, you STOP taking fat burning supplements, and sit down and have a good think about what kind of body YOU would be happiest with, in yourself, and how you feel you can best work towards that.

I would also suggest that you stop showing yourself on cam with or without your bf, and sit down and have a good think about what you want from a significant relationship, and whether you are really getting that from your BF, and if not, what you want to do about it?

cafecolour

If he has naked photos up on the site, he's exposing himself online as well. There seems to be a double standard

Honestly, if you both enjoy the online exhibitionism, you should discuss it and make a pact only to do it together. You might be well matched sexually, but letting embarrassment and a prudish upbringing/society get in the way over a fairly minor kink.

I feel like some of this is coming from him - he has something of a 'virgin/whore' mentality. Ie he's drunk and thinks it's hot, and then gets ashamed and starts thinking you as a 'slut'. It's his issue to get over, don't let it make you feel worse.

miec

Hi Op

It sounds like to me that there never has nor ever will be trust in your relationship with your boyfriend. I am sorry to say also that the relationship sounds horribly dysfunctional and I am not suprised you dislike yourself. I don't know if you ever enjoyed showing yourself off online or was it to be exciting to your boyfriend, did you take the fat supplements to keep slim and attractive for him? How much of your behaviour is done for him? If most of it is then I am not suprised you don't like yourself. What would you like in a loving relationship, can he give that to you? Personally I would walk away from this because it sounds to me horribly dysfunctional and I would spend time alone working on self esteem issues, finding out who you are and what you want so that you can then seek a relationship that is healthy. You don't need to earn his trust, but you do need to care for yourself, I hope you can learn to care for yourself.