To tell or not to tell...

Zeeta · 22-10-2009 8:23am #1

Myself and my friends caught our good friends boyfriend kissing another girl last night. I am really upset because I don't know what to do.. Tell her and risk upsetting the friendship or remain silent(already my conscience is eating me up)? A lot of us saw it but no one wants to be the one to squeal understandably. I confronted him and he was like a rabbit in the headlights. It was something I(we) had suspected for a while but never thought I'd phsically stumbe upon it. Anyone been in a similar position? What do I do?

Loopsie · 22-10-2009 8:29am

Ive been in your situation before, you have to tell her. Not all of you at once, whoever is closest to her.
Put yourself in her shoes, this prat is going around kissing and whatever else other girls........WHEN it finally comes out which inevitably it always does would you admit that you knew all along???
The swine doesnt deserve you covering for him either.
It will be so much better in the long run.....sit her down and tell her straight what she does after that is her decision. If it was you would you want to know??!!!
Hope this helps, good luck
xx

squonk · 22-10-2009 8:31am

I'd say keep schtum for now. If it's a once off, then while it's not fair on his girlfriend, he could realise his mistake and make sure it neve rhappens again. If you see it happening again then you need to confront him. it could be down to him getting hammered and not knowing what he's doing. If that's the case then he as something to work on. If there's no other reason for it than that's who he is, then, yes, I'd say his gf then needs to know what kind of man she's with.

RossFixxxed · 22-10-2009 8:31am

I was on the other side of this years ago. A friend say gf at the time kissing someone and rang and told me. I'm very glad they did too so I could dump that ... well you know what as quickly as possible.

It'd be horrible to find out and then realise all your friends knew and were just sitting there saying nothing.

Zeeta · 22-10-2009 8:36am

Thanks for all the advice! It's so conflicting though.. There are very good arguments for and against telling.. I know if it was me, I would want to know.. I don't think it should solely be up to me though, nobody likes a squealer:(

Loopsie · 22-10-2009 8:50am

Zeeta no one would brand you a sqeeler for telling her. If you had seen him out flirting with other girls and gone running back to her telling her this then it would be different but you saw him lock lips with another girl, he clearly has no respect for his relationship and doesnt deserve your friend

Cheating is the biggest form of betrayal in my eyes and its makes no difference if its a drunken fumble or a seedy affair in a hotel......cheating is cheating
Again good luck hun with whatever u decide to do x

ManOfMystery · 22-10-2009 8:53am

You have to weigh up your responsibilities as a friend against whatever other dilemmas you have in your head.

What would a good friend do - let their friend go on regardless and unknowing with someone who's a potential cheat?

But what happens 6 mths down the line when she found out you knew all along? I doubt very much she would consider you a 'friend' then for not telling her.

Don't get concerned about being labelled a 'squealer' - you're not the one in the wrong here who needs to be labelled, her boyfriend is.

I suggest you get together with the other people who witnessed this and decided - as a group - whether your friend should be told. Then one person, whoever is closest to her, should be nominated to do it. That way, everyone will be aware of whats happening and there's no need for anyone to be seen as a tout.

skooterblue · 22-10-2009 8:55am

This is a crap situation and he is a little bo$%*&ks for dumping you in this dilemma and doing this to your friend. A plague of pox on him.

I would certainly want to know if my GF was cheating on me. Would I thank you for it, at the start certainly not. It will be hard to accept and I wouldnt tie the bell around the cat's neck so to speak. You can do it but dont expect any immediate thanks for it.

LegacyUser · 22-10-2009 9:26am

Squonk, why would you want to look out for the best interestes of this cheating scumbag?

OP, I would say 99% of people WOULD want to be told about this. Not only that but if my mates saw my missus doing the dirt and didn't tell me (and I found out after that they had known all along) I would be rather annoyed.

Put yourself in her position.

Be aware that the bf knows that this stage that he was sprung by you and that it's going to get back to his OH so he probably has a bull5hit story told to her about some random girl mauling onto him against his struggles.

Telling her is not going to be easy. You might already know who it's going to be that tells her, but a close friend is ideal. Don't tell her in a group and tell her at her place so she is in her comfort zone when the tears come!

CeNedra · 22-10-2009 9:33am

This happened to me. My best friend told me my then boyfriend tried to come onto her. Well we were on a break at the time (very very recent break) and she didn't say anything immediately. Its only when he tried to get back with me that she told me.
I haven't spoken to him since and I'm still really good friends with her. I'm so glad she told me. I believed her 100% and wasn't peed off with her at all.
I think its important that somebody tells this friend of yours, and that person should be really close to her.

Best of luck

LegacyUser · 22-10-2009 10:06am

ah come on now op of course you should tell your friend if you have any loyalty to her, i know if one of my friends didn't tell me they would no longer be my friend! this is what friendship is about, no one is going to think you're a squealer and if they do so what? you say to them you're looking out for your friend which is what good friends do. you come across as very young maybe i'm wrong though

squonk · 22-10-2009 10:35am

Unregisteredude wrote: »

Squonk, why would you want to look out for the best interestes of this cheating scumbag?

Well I made an assumption that they were together a while. Wouldn't condone cheating but if it was the case that the OP knew both of them very well then it would make things complicated.

I suppose my opinion too was that the guy could have made a mistake. Look, it happens, and especially if a lot of drink is involved. Doesn't excuse it at all but I felt if he was any sort of decent guy at all, the very fact it happend would have him feeling totally shameful.

Now, if it's an habitual thing... that's SO different.

I actually just read the bit that the OP had suspicians already. In that case, go for it OP. He's a scumbag.

Oh The Humanity · 22-10-2009 10:37am

Sing like a canary and let the card fall as they may.

Colonel_McCoy · 22-10-2009 10:47am

You need to tell her...............if she finds out down the road that you didnt tell she will be pi$$ed

LegacyUser · 22-10-2009 11:25am

Hey Op,

I think you should tell her, as you said if it was you - you would want to know, i feel the same if it was me i would be glad my friend told me so i was not being deceived any longer, you sound like a good friend and want to tell her for all the right reasons, if she is anything like you then she would want to know too.

G'luck!

anniehoo · 22-10-2009 2:19pm

Id tell him he has a week to tell your friend himself and after that you'll do it. If he begs for forgiveness and genuinely seems sorry if it was a one off id hold fire then. But, if he doesnt in anyway seem sorrowful enough give him the week then tell your friend, she definitely deserves to know then.

Loopsie · 22-10-2009 2:25pm

anniehoo wrote: »

Id tell him he has a week to tell your friend himself and after that you'll do it. If he begs for forgiveness and genuinely seems sorry if it was a one off id hold fire then. But, if he doesnt in anyway seem sorrowful enough give him the week then tell your friend, she definitely deserves to know then.

Now this is only my own personal opinion but i really think the creep doesnt even deserve that level of decency from HER friends!
Op says in her original post that he knows they saw him....apparently he was like a deer in headlights....!!!
Surely if he was really sorry about what he had done he would have already contacted one of the girls who witnessed his dangerous liaison pleading his innocence and regret...... but as i said thats just my opinion

Chinafoot · 22-10-2009 2:54pm

anniehoo wrote: »

Id tell him he has a week to tell your friend himself and after that you'll do it. If he begs for forgiveness and genuinely seems sorry if it was a one off id hold fire then. But, if he doesnt in anyway seem sorrowful enough give him the week then tell your friend, she definitely deserves to know then.

I wouldn't do this as this gives him time to come up with excuses and stories. I saw this within my own group of friends. We found out the boyfriend of one of the girls had done the dirty and one of the others decided to confront him and told him he had until the weekend to fess up. He then went back and said that the girl who confronted him had come on to him and he rejected her and threatened him with lies...He was believed initially and there was a huge fall out. Not fun.

Those who cheat generally aren't the most honourable of people so I'd tell your friend as soon as possible before he has a chance to spin things his own way.

Leah-G1 · 22-10-2009 3:13pm

Hi OP,

I think you should confront her boyfriend again,tell him if he doesnt tell her then you will! Its what I would do. You're at least giving him the chance to do something right by her!

She does deserve to know though..I think you know that.

bronte · 22-10-2009 3:22pm

I was your friend back a few years ago and I'm glad my friend told me what she'd witnessed. Tell your mate. Don't let her live a lie.

seamus · 22-10-2009 3:37pm

Try imagine it from her point of view. When she eventually catches this idiot out (because she will), imagine how stupid and embarrassed she'll feel when she finds out that all of her mates knew about it all along but never told her.
She'll feel like everything thinks she's a complete mug and were laughing about her behind her back.

The "ultimatum" trick only works if the guy has 5 or 6 girls confronting him. And from your description it sounds like no-one else is going to do this. One girl confronting him just gives him leeway to make up stories and excuses about her, as illustrated above.

fxmx · 28-10-2009 2:54pm

Turn the situation around, if it was you would you like to know, would she tell you??
i say tell diffently.

what if she finds out later and knows you knew all along?

LegacyUser · 28-10-2009 3:04pm

tell her! been through enough of life at this stage to be able to tell you without a shadow of doubt tell her. she will find out eventualy tht he is a cheating toe rag, then she i will tell you and know by your face you knew already, now thats whats going to hurt and ruin a friendship.

Just tell her she will get over it believe me. thats what we have girlfriends for we look out for each other

To tell or not to tell...

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