Ex asks if I am with someone else..

mrhydeandseek

Hi,

Me and my ex broke up a while ago now and she has text me and emailed me saying she misses me and still loves me but I do not love her anymore.
Now today I was trying to be friendly but also frank by telling her I do not want to see her or be in contact with her, especially while she still has feelings for her as that would only hurt her, not me.
Now I am in love with someone else and thats all in beginning stages but its very mutual. Today my ex asked me if I am seeing someone else...
Well yes and no because this new girl does not live in Ireland and is in the process of moving here, so basically we just see each other when she comes over but till then we arent like together together if that makes sense :P
Now I want to tell my ex I'm with someone else but its her birthday today and that might upset her. I shouldnt care I guess but on the other hand its not really her business either anymore. But I know her, that if I tell her that she will make up her own mind and draw conclusions.

So my question is, should I answer this e-mail and tell her I'm with someone else or love someone else or should I spare her on her birthday as I know she still loves me? Or should I tell her it's none of her business? Or? Hmmm advise please...

How Strange

Email her back the day after her birthday if you're worried about upsetting her day.

IMO, if you like this new girl then you should say you're seeing her. You don't have to explain or justify by saying 'but she doesn't live in Ireland'. Just say yes I'm seeing someone and that cuts out the potential for ping pong texting between you and the ex.

mrhydeandseek

How Strange wrote: »

Email her back the day after her birthday if you're worried about upsetting her day.

IMO, if you like this new girl then you should say you're seeing her. You don't have to explain or justify by saying 'but she doesn't live in Ireland'. Just say yes I'm seeing someone and that cuts out the potential for ping pong texting between you and the ex.

I am deeply in love with my new girl and have no feelings left for my ex but just as friends or whatever. My new gf loves me just as much and thats why she is moving here so we can be together, so yes I like her (but thats understatement :pac: ) .

Beetlebum

mrhydeandseek wrote: »

I am deeply in love with my new girl and have no feelings left for my ex but just as friends or whatever. My new gf loves me just as much and thats why she is moving here so we can be together, so yes I like her (but thats understatement :pac: ) .

Then why are you even asking this question?
She's your ex, tell her you're with someone new and let her move on.
God, posts like yours irritate me big time. I'm mid break up though.
Just be honest with her, she's not made of glass.

Monkey61

Yeah just tell her tomorrow, not that it really makes a difference though. If she is in love with you, wants you back and can't have you I doubt that her birthday is going to be that much fun anyway!

mrhydeandseek

Beetlebum wrote: »

Then why are you even asking this question?
She's your ex, tell her you're with someone new and let her move on.
God, posts like yours irritate me big time. I'm mid break up though.
Just be honest with her, she's not made of glass.

You dont have to reply you know... :rolleyes:
If it irritates you so much... :rolleyes:

Gyalist

I don't understand why you feel the need to be friends with an ex who you know still has feelings for you. That more than anything else is going to prevent her from moving on.

On the question of whether you should tell her about your new girlfriend, yes you should. It doesn't matter when you say it as she'll be upset regardless but it does matter how you say it.

ash23

Just tell her you're seeing someone else and that you would prefer not to be in constant contact as it isn't fair to your new girlfriend.
Prepare for the backlash but ignore it. Don't reply to texts/emails/calls etc.

Let her move on. being in contact with you isn't good for her and she'll soon realise that. But it's kind of up to you to help her along by not replying etc.
I'm not saying don't ever speak to her again but just a time out for a while til she moves on.
Explain that to her in the email.

mrhydeandseek

Gyalist wrote: »

I don't understand why you feel the need to be friends with an ex who you know still has feelings for you. That more than anything else is going to prevent her from moving on.

On the question of whether you should tell her about your new girlfriend, yes you should. It doesn't matter when you say it as she'll be upset regardless but it does matter how you say it.

Hmm I dont want to be anything with her, she text and emails me all the time and I tell her to stop contacting me..
I never contact her and wish she would just leave me alone. :mad:
But I see your point, just clarifying mine.

shellyboo

mrhydeandseek wrote: »

Hmm I dont want to be anything with her, she text and emails me all the time and I tell her to stop contacting me..
I never contact her and wish she would just leave me alone. :mad:
But I see your point, just clarifying mine.

Don't tell her anything. Cut contact if you don't want to be in contact. Email her back, tell her you're with someone new and that you won't be in touch again. And don't reply to her texts/emails/calls.

Loopsie

i agree with posters, email her back saying 'look you asked was i with someone new, answer is yes. That is all you need to know so i would appreciate if we cut all contact and you should move on. I honestly wish you the best'
Sometimes you have to be a little cruel to be kind. As above poster says i dont think it makes a difference if you tell her today or next week, if she still loves u she will take it hard anyways. Bite the bullet, do it and then completely cut her off. Simple!!!!

Beetlebum

mrhydeandseek wrote: »

Hmm I dont want to be anything with her, she text and emails me all the time and I tell her to stop contacting me..
I never contact her and wish she would just leave me alone. :mad:
But I see your point, just clarifying mine.

Just ignore her then, she'll get the point.

Seems to me you like the attention. You sound smug.

Oh The Humanity

Put her out of her misery OP.

'ruining her birthday' is a non issue since SHE EMAILED YOU and therefore is aware the reply will arrive on her Birthday.
So its her responsibility.

She asked you an honest question so she needs to be prepared for an honest answer.

Tell her the truth. She needs to know to stop pining over you and making a t1t out of herself.

Colonel_McCoy

Ignore her,best for her best for you.......... that point of your life is over............

ash23

Sorry, just to ask, you say you broke up a while ago. How long is a while and how long were you two together?

If it's not that long since ye broke up and you were together a long time I'd be less blunt and a bit more aware of how she may feel.

If it's been ages then fair enough, be as blunt as you like.

mrhydeandseek

ash23 wrote: »

Sorry, just to ask, you say you broke up a while ago. How long is a while and how long were you two together?

If it's not that long since ye broke up and you were together a long time I'd be less blunt and a bit more aware of how she may feel.

If it's been ages then fair enough, be as blunt as you like.

Together for two years broke up half year ago.

ash23

Yeah, you see, 6 months isn't that long when you're the dumped. To the dumper it feels longer as they have emotionally left the relationship before they drop the bombshell.
Cut the girl some slack. She's still cut up over it and it will hit her hard that you have moved on.

I wouldn't necessarily treat her with kid gloves, she is an adult. But she spent 2 years of her life with you so I would say that she deserves respect.

I would say that you are seeing someone (don't say it's serious or you're in love - no need for salt in the wound). Tell her that while you do hope that you can be friends eventually, that you think it would be best for everyone to stop contact for a while in order to get some distance and space and that you hope she understands it's the best for all concerned. Wish her good luck and adieu.

Then simply stop replying, no matter how hysterical and drunk she gets

Oh The Humanity

With respect Ais, I totally disagree.

Its like pulling off a plaster, you can do it slowly prolong the pain (and let her to continue to unwittingly humiliate herself)

Or you can do it quickly. Yes its painful but its over quickly, she knows where she stand and can stop embarassing herself and everyone can forget it and move on.

I don't think drip feeding her the truth will make it any less painful. In fact its probably a little bit selfish to do that. Like as if you dont want to be the bad guy. In her position I would want to know the truth and not be patronised by being given the information in incrememnts.

ash23

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

With respect Ais, I totally disagree.

Its like pulling off a plaster, you can do it slowly prolong the pain (and let her to continue to unwittingly humiliate herself)

Or you can do it quickly. Yes its painful but its over quickly, she knows where she stand and can stop embarassing herself and everyone can forget it and move on.

I don't think drip feeding her the truth will make it any less painful. In fact its probably a little bit selfish to do that. Like as if you dont want to be the bad guy. In her position I would want to know the truth and not be patronised by being given the information in incrememnts.

I didn't say anything about drip feeding. I said tell her and tell her that contact is finito.
I just don't see the point in telling someone added details (such as that the OP is madly in love with someone else) that will just add hurt. Do it on a need to know basis.
All the OPs ex needs to know is that he is seeing someone else and no longer wishes to be in contact. She doesn't need to know how happy he is or how wonderful his new partner is or how madly in love he is.

Thats just cruel.

Gyalist

ash23 wrote: »

I didn't say anything about drip feeding. I said tell her and tell her that contact is finito.
I just don't see the point in telling someone added details (such as that the OP is madly in love with someone else) that will just add hurt. Do it on a need to know basis.
All the OPs ex needs to know is that he is seeing someone else and no longer wishes to be in contact. She doesn't need to know how happy he is or how wonderful his new partner is or how madly in love he is.

Thats just cruel.

I agree and it needs to be done by a phone call NOT text.

Loopsie

Gyalist wrote: »

I agree and it needs to be done by a phone call NOT text.

+1

opinion guy

Hey OP,

i would simply wait a day or two till her birthday is passed and thne tell her yes you are seeing someone who you are serious about. I woulnd't volunteer any more info. And if you don't want to be in touch I'd say so. Just simple because thats the truth

jellyboy

whatever you do and however you do it....please treat her with compassion....
i hope you are making new gf aware that theres a broken heart in the back round....

opinion guy

whatever you do and however you do it....please treat her with compassion....

i think its apparent thats what he's trying to do

i hope you are making new gf aware that theres a broken heart in the back round....

Um why ? Relevance ? In fact I think thats a terrible idea. IT will only make new GF think he is harbouring feelings for someone when he is not

Taltos

Just a quick point.

Why are you responding at all to the texts or emails?
You have already told her to leave you alone - so why reply. She will bombard you for a while but eventually will get tired of it - or just get her number barred.

TBH - why you are worrying over upsetting your ex is beyond me if you have someone you care so much about moving here shortly.

Anyhoos - end of msg.

Overheal

OP from what you say, it sounds as if the question she's trying to ask is Did you leave her to be with someone else? Like, when did you meet this new girl, etc. - she wants to establish if it was her or if it was because of something out of her control.

Too late now but I would have called her at the end of last night after all of her celebrations would have been spent. I wouldnt do it in the morning either, youd just be ****ing up her whole day tbh. At the end of tonight I would probably send the text/have the talk with her.

Blackpitts

hey OP
i was in the same situation, my ex wanted to be friends after we broke up, then I fell in love with someone else and at the end I've told her I was engaged with this girl.
I've told her face to face and she went flipping mad! I thought we were friends but at the end she couldn't manage to control her feelings.
Do you want my advice? tell her by email or by txt.

This reminds me of an episode of sex and the city, when Carrie got dumped over a post-it. when she asked why to his friends they told her that there is not a good way to break up with a girl as they all turned to be "psyco-bitches" in these moments.
so true and I've should have listened to them!!

Loopsie

Op how did u get on?? what did u decide to do?

ash23

Blackpitts wrote: »

This reminds me of an episode of sex and the city, when Carrie got dumped over a post-it. when she asked why to his friends they told her that there is not a good way to break up with a girl as they all turned to be "psyco-bitches" in these moments.
so true and I've should have listened to them!!

I think thats a bit of a sweeping statement. Don't get me wrong, I've had my psycho bitch moments.
But in the main I've walked away from being dumped with dignity.

I have only ever turned a bit "psycho" with one ex and it was in mostly because of the way he treated me after we split.

You only have to look at boards to see that many, many men also have psycho tendencies when being dumped.

I think that dumping is hard, but not as hard as being dumped. Treat someone the way you would like to be treated. I would never be so rude and hurtful as to dump someone by text/email/post-it. however this girl is the ex and has been for a while. Therefore I think a call is the most acceptable way of telling his ex he wants to stop contact.

Blackpitts

ash23 wrote: »

You only have to look at boards to see that many, many men also have psycho tendencies when being dumped.

no doubt! i went ballistic too when i got dumped but at the end I've copped myself on

ash23 wrote: »

I think that dumping is hard, but not as hard as being dumped. Treat someone the way you would like to be treated.I would never be so rude and hurtful as to dump someone by text/email/post-it.

that's why I don't do it with an email or a post-it;
I've told my ex i'm engaged face to face, but all the bad reactions i've got made me think that "Treating someone the way you would like to be treated" doesn't work because there is no guarantee that the other person would do the same to me.
I would never abuse/hit someone else as it has happened to me in the past and I swear to God I didn't deserve the amount of bad words and slaps I've got just for being honest.

ash23 wrote: »

however this girl is the ex and has been for a while. Therefore I think a call is the most acceptable way of telling his ex he wants to stop contact.

I agree, and my point was that it is better to avoid any meetings and drop the news when it's easy to cut the conversation

OS119

Hi OP,

personally i'd go for doing it by email. i know its a bit impersonal and perhaps 'harsh', but you can write what you want to say clearly, with no ambiguity and without that awful wavering that often happens when people we have to give bad news to start crying down the phone that they love us.

ambiguity is doing this girl no favours, and there is ambiguity. you said 'don't contact me again', and then when she did you replied - so she needs to hear it slightly louder, slightly firmer and this time with no further contact. no mention of 'being friends at a later stage', just a very simple explanation that you've met someone else, and you don't want to be contacted again.

it is harsh, and it will hurt her to be told so bluntly, but it looks like the time for nuance, hints and things left unsaid but heard all the same is long past.

looking from an entirely selfish angle, you will be able - should this turn into a stalking 'bunny boiler' issue in the future - to show your new GF the email you sent where you were kind, but firm and honest about your new life and how she's not invited. that may be important if your old GF starts ringing you at 3am and calling your new GF a slut and a homewrecker...

Cheeky_gal

mrhydeandseek wrote: »

So my question is, should I answer this e-mail and tell her I'm with someone else or love someone else or should I spare her on her birthday as I know she still loves me? Or should I tell her it's none of her business? Or? Hmmm advise please...

Be a man and tell her.

magneticimpulse

its been a few days so did you tell her?

i think you should tell her you are seeing someone. not text, but email or phone. i like one person comment...shes not glass

from personal experience, i wish guys would be a man, make a decission and stick with it. some guys can say, well such and such, but maybe a break will do us good and see you in 6 months. or i dont want to upset you because i know such and such....but its rubbish, people can deal with the truth. its the bull****e inbetween and not getting to the point that drags it out. its the maybes...ifs...etc that make it not clear and make her want to hold onto some hope of getting back together again.

you need to be clear that theres no future with her. that you have met someone else. she will respect the honesty. trust me, if men would just be more honest it be so much better. once she knows youve met someone else, then she will move on and be happy and find someone else. until you do...she will continue to badger you with texts/emails. trust me, sometimes ignoring someone is not the answer to the problem. is you break a leg do you just ignore it and hope it goes away? sometimes you have to spell it out to women (and thats coming from a woman)