in bits over ex travelling

galaxyminstrels

This is going to be long but I'm in bits here and hoping for some words of encouragement.
I met a guy back last March. The way we met was coincidence and i thought from the off there was a spark there. Didn't contact each other for a while as he had a girlfriend. About two months later i got a text from him just enquiring about something relating to how we met. We stayed texting and after a few weeks went on a date, got on brilliantly, amazing night where we got an hours sleep. So as time went on I completely fell for him. Its hard to describe but words couldn't describe how I felt so strong about somebody so soon. He said he felt the same and his actions showed this too.
He was just out of a three year relationship and said he wasn't looking for anything with anybody but then when we were getting on so well with texting he wanted to know me and see more of me. Anyway three months passed and because of him being out of work he had the option of travelling and had his visa before he met me.
He broke up with me after three months as he didnt know where his life was going and needed to think about it on his own. He decided on travelling for a year and I was genuinely delighted for him because he kept thinking he wouldn't have the guts to do it.
He is gone since the beginning of September and I gave him the option of staying in contact if he wanted to because I felt if he still cared he would do that. We have been e mailing over and back since then all going well. He is having the time of his life.
He said to me in last e mail go on his facebook and look him up. I did and there were lots of friends form travelling mostly girls and I honestly felt sick to the stomach. I don't know if he is hooking up with these girls or what but I can't describe how I felt when I saw all of them as his friends, way more girls than guys.
So after a chat with myself I decided I have to cut contact as it is eating me up inside that we are not together. I don't have a clue of how he feels about me and please dont tell me to ask him because I would be terrified of the answer. Before he left he rang me and said if it's meant to be it's meant to be.
I don't know why I am so upset over this because people on here are feeling the same after years and we were only together months. I just don't think you meet many people in life you have that spark with and he was one of them.
Do you think I am wise to try and cut contact with him?
I am in bits at the thoughts of it but I can't see any other way, he is on my mind all day. I have been on the verge of tears thinking about it. Does it get better? Has anyone on here any advice of how I should deal with this as I don't think I can spend the next 10 months wondering how he feels and are there chances we could get back together?
Do people keep in contact with ex's who are travelling and how hard is it?
Thanks for reading guys, feels way better just to even write it down.

LegacyUser

i was going out with a girl for 4 months and then i went travelling, i had been planning on going away for nearly 2 years before i met her and i told her i was going away for a year, we got on so well and it used to cut me up inside to think that i was leaving this great girl to fulfil a dream of mine which was to travel for a year, there was alot of tears in the weeks running up to my departure date and when the day came i just wasnt excited about going but stil did, we decided to stay together and that she would come over for a months holiday after a few months, i used to phone and mail her all the time and this is where it all went wrong, she would get very angry at me and always questioning what i was getting up to, at one stage i gave her my bebo details and she went nuts when she saw pictures that had girls in them, it really was bad, then we she came over to me after 6 months she arrived with alot of hesitation and anxiety, we had a great time and again it was upsetting when the time cam for her to go home, i ended up going home earlier than expected cause i knew this was breaking her heart, we where together for about a year after i got back but the 9 months i was away killed the relationship and she never forgave me for that, when i look back at my time away i loved it but there is always the thought of how i broke this girls heart and i always think about that and get quiet upset.

my advice is cut all contact becuase it will really eat you upside, you will keep thinking about him with other women, best of luck

Eve_Dublin

Yikes OP. That´s a head wreak and a half but it sounds to me like you don´t want to hear the truth eg. you said you couldn´t ask him how he felt because you were afraid of the response you´d get and I´m wondering how well you´re going to handle the advice you get here. I don´t want to make things any worse for you by suggesting that this could be a lost cause because you´re obviously in a fragile state and people on here can only speculate at to how he feels drawing from their own experiences, but I guess you did post up here for advice so I´ll give you my 2 cents worth.

From where I´m standing, this guy is out of a 3 year relationship (a long time by modern standards) and is now getting a taste of freedom. Ending it with you by telling you that you never know what might happen down the road and telling you if it´s meant to happen, it´s meant to happen is breaking free once again. This is his slightly cowardly way of letting you down nicely. Once again, I don´t want to suggest you were his rebound because I don´t know how he feels and maybe you ARE the one....but sometimes people need to be brutely honest with someone. If I was your best friend, I´d tell you to cut all contact with this guy and get on with your life. I´ve done some travelling and you´d be niave to think that nothing is going to happen in the space of year. It will. That´s just the way it is when you´re travelling but this guy broke up with you and is free to do has he pleases.

For your own sanity (and I believe you know it´s the right thing to do), drop him as a Facebook friend, delete his email and try to get over him and get on with your own life. Out of sight, out of mind and you´ll only drive yourself round the bend looking at his photos and Facebook status updates. Nothing can happen in the next 10 months and perhaps he will pick it up where you left off or perhaps not but you can´t ruin the next 10 months of your own life building this guy up in your head as some sort of unattainable demi-God.

If you did confront him and ask him if you have a future, he won´t give you an honest reply. He´s on a travelling buzz and he´s not in the real world right now. I know myself in the first few months of travelling, I kept in touch with a guy I was seeing back in Ireland because I was travelling alone and sometimes I felt lonely and it was nice to know there was someone there, it gave me a little ego boost when I wasn´t feeling overly confident sometimes. The difference is I never told him something might happen in the future. I knew I´d be a different person when I returned home and I couldn´t promise how I would feel about him when I returned.

I know it´s tough but you have to not let yourself be that fall back girl and look after number one. Perhaps things will work out when he returns but there´s no guarantees when it comes to love...that´s just the harsh reality of it, I´m afraid. Get on with your life and cut this guy out of your life. He´ll know where to find you when he gets home, if that´s what he wants.

LegacyUser

OP here,
thank you. Think I know what I have to do now. Just wondering Eve, do you think I should tell him I'm stopping the contact or what?

LegacyUser

Ok, its not a great situation.

Here's how I would play it: don't treat this as an 'ongoing relationship'. Right now it can't be.

I wouldn't make a song and a dance about how you have to 'break up' or cut contact. Keep in contact but keep it casual and friendly. Nothing more, nothing less. If you get good feed back from him you could suggest that you meet him for a holiday somewhere on your travels but ONLY if you're getting appropriate emails from him first. Meantime, you NEED to get on with your own life and date other people.

Your goal is that in the back of mind, he'll know that this cool girl is in Ireland getting on with her life and he'll have a warm feeling about maybe hooking up again. Have a big drama about your 'relationship' or trying to extract how he feels about you will backfire.

If he's for you he'll be back but the ball is not in your court. Live your life for now.

Eve_Dublin

kindaupset wrote: »

OP here,
thank you. Think I know what I have to do now. Just wondering Eve, do you think I should tell him I'm stopping the contact or what?

Okay this is what I think: people don´t like others to be too available. You don´t want this guy thinking you haven´t got on with your life and had your own fun while he´s been away. Perhaps send him a short email and tell him that you´d prefer to just leave things as they are and you´d prefer to cut the contact for a while and see how things go down the road. You don´t need to tell him that you´re finding the photos etc. too hard to deal with, he doesn´t need to know that (no matter how nice this guys is, it´ll still give him an ego boost). Do what´s right for you as he´s doing right now.

LegacyUser

Ok I will try and cut the contact. I didn't request him as a facebook friend because I would probably torture myself with looking him up. I'll just have to try and move on but not at all interested in other guys because don't think they're worth it. Suppose just keep myself busy and have lots of me time.
This sounds so much easier than it's going to be but I just think I will have to do it. Never replied to an e mail he sent last week.
I don't want to come across all needy and making things complicated but yet I don't want to completely ignore him either.
Thanks. I think I have a lot of crappy days ahead but hopefully in the long run I will have done the right thing.

Eve_Dublin

kindaupset wrote: »

Ok I will try and cut the contact. I didn't request him as a facebook friend because I would probably torture myself with looking him up. I'll just have to try and move on but not at all interested in other guys because don't think they're worth it. Suppose just keep myself busy and have lots of me time.
This sounds so much easier than it's going to be but I just think I will have to do it. Never replied to an e mail he sent last week.
I don't want to come across all needy and making things complicated but yet I don't want to completely ignore him either.
Thanks. I think I have a lot of crappy days ahead but hopefully in the long run I will have done the right thing.

Hey OP, if it´s any consolation, I know of very few relationships that start straight after a long-term one that lasts. I went out with a guy a month after I broke up with my ex of 2 and a half years and it was disasterous. I should´ve given myself time to get over the other fella completely and be single for a while. It wasn´t fair on the new guy if I was still adjusting to life without the other one. Even though I finished it, it was an amicable break-up and I still missed him as a friend. It caused all sorts of jealousy issues for the new guy. Thing is, the new guy was great and if I´d only met him, say, 6 months later, things might have worked.

I know it´s tough, it´s really, really tough but you have to let this guy have his freedom before he can settle down with someone again. This guy could well be the one but you have to let him get this out of his system. I don´t believe jumping from one long-term relationship to another is healthy. As well as this, I went travelling for a year and when I came home, I was sick to the teeth of one-night stands, hooking up with random fellas for a week and saying goodbye. It took it´s tole BIG time. It´s rare for someone to meet the love of their life travelling. I met a few girls who met guys while travelling but realised they didn´t get along all that well in the "real" world and the long-distance thing was impossible. When I got home from travelling, all I wanted to do was get some normality and structure in my life again...who knows, when this guy gets home, he might be ready to begin something.

10 months is a long time and God knows how YOU will feel then....so much can happen in 10 months. If you keep yourself busy and don´t give yourself the opportunity to think about this guy too much, the time will fly by. You can´t waste 10 months out of your short life being miserable over some guy thousands of miles away and missing out on what´s right under your nose. Good luck OP....it´ll happen for you if it´s supposed to

LegacyUser

Thanks Eve. it's nice to hear some advice at this stage because my friends don't understand why I was so upset after only being with him a short time. I suppose it just felt perfect and he said it as well. He said he knew in the first night on our first date ( we stayed up all night talking ) that it was something special and the last year before that was spent with himself and his ex both saying they deserved better than a half - hearted relationship which they both felt they had.

Since we broke up, the emotions I've gone through have been all sorts but yesterday was the last straw. I've decided I'm not going to tell him why I'm stopping the contact unless he asks. One good thing coming out of this is that before I ever met him I had travelling on my mind and have been really thinking of it lately. At least now he won't have to think it's because of him I am doing it because I was afraid of that. I feel so stupid that this has upset me so much when people on here are coping better with the end of much longer relationships.
Not going looking for any guys because not worth the hassle but I suppose I'll just enjoy my time being free.
I might post here again if I get the urge to send an e mail or if I'm finding it hard. Thanks again.

LegacyUser

i read this forum regularly just to see if there might be someone in the same position as me and can describe it better than i'd be able to and actually have the guts to write it down and ask for advice. i am in nearly an identical situation to you, maybe a few months on (he's gone since the start of the year) so speaking from your position fast forwarded a few months to answer your q yes it does get easier there's still alot of thinking but that stomach turning feeling you get now does go or fades anyways!!

i definitely think cutting contact now or keeping it to a minimum will be best for you long term, wish i had done that from the start. regarding facebook and bebo profiles please do not go onto his!!! i havent gone on my exes in months i just dont need all the over thinking, analyzing and jealousy that i know will come with it!! you can say its not easy to cut contact that way and avoid someone on facebook believe me i know i';ve been so tempted many times (especially when drunk) but i always just think of how hard it is already and do i really need to make it any worse and have all this qs that i wont get answers to and prob dont deserve to get the answers either.

while its been so hard the last few months i really do believe that things will work out if they're meant to be and all that and always told myself that. turns out my ex might be home a bit sooner and now i'm not sure how i feel about things or even if we'd be right for each other again. when anyone asks me about the situation all i can say is time changes things cos thats all i know for now that my feelings have definitely changed over the last few months. even if he does come home and ask for me back (i wont be asking for him back) i think i'm realistic enough to know that living that kind of lifestyle while your travelling changes someone and its hard for them to adjust back to the real world with the rest of us for a while after.

when you ask about how to cut contact i'd say dont make a big issue of it. dont try to make a big statement of it by telling him you're cutting contact hoping he'll turn around and say he really wants to keep in contact with you chances are he'll be that busy and enjoying himself that he might agree with you just to make things easier for himself and ease his guilt or whatever and you'll just be more hurt than cutting contact alone. i'd suggest phasing out the contact, as in just let him contact you and take your time sometimes about replying. the less ways ye have to contact each other the better so as i was saying avoid his fb and bebo profiles. i deleted my ex as a friend so wouldnt have to see any of his updates and stuff.

sorry for the really long post just have alot to say on this issue obviously
basically try keep busy (believe me it does work), keep going out and dont miss what could be right in front of you now (sorry i didnt do this sooner) and believe that it all works out in the end and if its meant to be it'll be so whats the point in upsetting yourself now and wasting so much time (i'm already sorry over the time i've wasted!)

anyways best of luck x

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for that. Nice to know someone else is going through the same. Day three of no contact and I haven't even checked my e mails to see has e mailed. I'm half hoping he will e mail and wonder why I'm not in contact, sort of let him know what he is missing ha! Usually would have an e mail from him on a Saturday morning so will see if I have the guts to not look even check if it's there.But if he doesn't I'll have my answer to his feelings about me.
I'm thinking of going travelling myself on my own so time focusing on myself and not him is probably the wisest. I hope it does get easier because at the moment he isn't any further from my thoughts and still think of him lots.

LegacyUser

Hello hun, I really really feel for you right now. I went through the exact same thing 2 years ago. I was with a guy for 8 months. He had broken up with a girl he was with for years 4 months before we met. We got on so well, I never felt such a spark with anyone. After 3 months together he told me he had planned to go travelling for 6 months and had been afraid to tell me because he didnt want to lose me. We stayed together until he left and we planned to stay a couple while he was gone. We left on such good terms and we both cried so much saying goodbye at the airport. He asked me if I would marry him when he came home.

He left in October 07 and the contact was great until around November. He used to say it was because of the phone lines in Thailand blah blah. Then I started to notice his friends bak home in Ireland leaving messages thankin him for calling and then I started to worry because now he was textin me just the odd time. Still sayin he loved me but it didnt feel like it. Then of course I started seeing the pics of him with his arms around girls. Everyone told me I was crazy to be upset that they could just be friends but I decided it was too hard. I told him I couldnt do it anymore and that we should do our own thing until he came back. He then sent me 12 red roses on christmas eve and I was so happy. Then started hearing less and less of him.
After months of waiting I finally find out in an e-mail he is extending his trip to a year. I was so upset because even though I said to do our own thing I still couldn't. I waited for him. Then he came home for a family wedding last year. I bumped into him in my home town and he told me he still loved me and leaving was a mistake. Two days later I found out he brought a girl to the wedding that he met on travels and had being dating for months. I was devastated, so so crushed. They broke up after the wedding and I refused to meet up with him. He then went bak to Oz after 3 weeks at home. A few months later he says he's extending the trip to 2 years and then a few months ago he got a four year visa..

The worst thing was being strung along. He never manned up to say its over. I was so crushed. when I found out about the 4 year visa I just said this is it, I have more dignity than this. I didnt say anything to him, just completely deleted him outta my life. Decided I wanted to become a doc, so went back to school, ran marathons, decided I was never gonna put a man first again. Eventually time has healed everything. I wouldnt get back with him now if I was paid, and with my newfound confidence and self respect, I have never had so many guys ask me out. I know its so hard right now but trust me, you will have that spark with a new man eventually and there will be a day that you will look back and think that this guys travells was a blessing in disguise because the whole world is there for you. With all my heart I wish you the best. For now keep busy and keep him outta your head, ditch sad songs or romantic movies, everything upbeat from now on and eventually you will forget him.