Crazy Jealous Girlfriend - Help!!

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I've been going out with my gf for 2 years but am about to end it beacuse of her crazy irrational jealousy. At first I found it endearing and kinda cute and it made me feel like she really loves me but now I think it's controlling and bordering on insane.

I am 28 and she is 26. I love her to bits too and don't want to break up but I can't take this craic anymore. Just to add, she's a good looking girl with lots of friends and family so there's no basis for this madness.

Maybe all girls are like this though and I'm being hard on her?? Here's some examples -

1) Threw away all the p*rn magazines she found in my wardrobe and was hysterical about it.
She had gone in to grab a jumper and found them and I mean she hit the roof, tears, screaming, storming out, ripping them to shreds and throwing them at me.

2) If my phone is off for any reason I don't even get to explain a reason. I turn my phone back on to angry messages and upset voicemails. I get accused of avoiding her and cheating on her. This could be a Tuesday morning of a Friday night, makes no difference.

3)Insisted I tell her my email password (if I had nothing to hide, why not tell her? was her logic)

4) I have woken up in the middle of the night to her sneaking through my mobile phone.

Sigh, what can I do bar dump her? I think this is crazy carry on and I won't stand for it anymore.

I reassure her all the time and all of that but i am sick of being in a pub with her and were having fun, then she thinks I check out a girl and it's tears, tantrums and her storming off home..

Pocket Pillager

There is something wrong in her head that no other person can fix for her, bar a psychologist or counsellor. She needs one of these, not a boyfriend. There is nothing you can do to convince her you can be trusted. No matter what you do, she will find a reason to not trust you.

The best thing you can do for her is let her go. That is the only way she will see how bad her behaviour is; that it pushed someone away and she has to do something about her issues.

Peggypeg

Ok, if you haven't ever given her reason to distrust you i.e. you cheating, this is extremely cut and dried. This is her problem not yours, her insecurities will not go away unless she sorts it out, it's not something that can be sorted out from your side. If she's that paronoid no amount of reassurances will sort it out, I would suggest asking her to see a professional. Demanding your email password is way out of order, everyone is entitled to privacy and the "if you're not hiding anything" is not a reasonable argument. Maybe she's just looking for attention? If it were me and I wasn't too emotionally invested I would walk away, way too much hassle but as you say you really like her. I would either sit her down or write her a letter and tell her that you just will not be putting up with this anymore, that you haven't done anything wrong and that's it's way way way out of line, either she cops on and sorts it out or you're walking. If it continues on as it is I would just walk away.

Oh The Humanity

Maybe all girls are like this though and I'm being hard on her??

No. Quite simply, no.
Not all girls are like this, only mentally unstable ones. She needs professional help.

Break up and don't look back. Its a pity you enabled her so long by allowing this carry on. She has big problems, no bloke would put up with that.

OS119

if you really like her you'll do her a favour by stopping this right now.

not throwing her stuff onto the street and telling her to fcuk off to the loony bin is enabling her behaviour - she's unreasonable, you accommodate her, and are surprised when the behaviour continues.

i'm not sure that dumping her as a form of 'treatment' is going to be that effective - she'll just decide that all her allegations were true and that you're shagging every woman within 50 miles, isn't she lucky to be rid of you and isn't she brilliant for finding out the truth - effectively nothing more than enabling, but less hassle for you.

if you want to stay in the relationship but want the behaviour to change, then change the dynamic - change your email/laptop/phone security settings, have big red dealbreaker lines around privacy, allegations of cheating etc.. and make her live with them. make sure she understands that one single transgression will see the relationship dead and her stuff in bin liners - and you must back that up with action - if she for one moment thinks you aren't serious about that threat then she'll continue as before.

Pocket Pillager

OS119, do you honestly think "making" the op's gf live with, as you call them, "deal breaker" (since when was a relationship a deal???) rules and "threats" will establish some sort of equality in the relationship? Relationships are about equals, not a whole set of rules and a contract.

She's got serious issues, but she's not the op's pet. She's not something to be trained. In addition, how do you think that the above actions and the op changing all his privacy settings, etc. won't make her react the same way you just described: "all her allegations were true and that you're shagging every woman within 50 miles?"

OP, I reiterate. This is not your battle. It's hers. Leave her to it.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

No. Quite simply, no.
Not all girls are like this, only mentally unstable ones. She needs professional help.

Break up and don't look back. Its a pity you enabled her so long by allowing this carry on. She has big problems, no bloke would put up with that.

You've insulted me there saying no bloke would put up with it.

What am I supposed to do? When I first fell for her I didn't get her to fill out a questionaire to decipher if she'd turn crazy on me!!

All women are a bit mad in the head it has to be said but she is taking it too far.
I don't enable her, I'm sitting watching tv and she comes in and starts going nuts over a magazine. A bloke would never do that over a chip n dale or whatever there called so why are wome allowed to protest against p*rn?

I have told her I will walk (and I am) but I do honestly love her and don't want to walk.
I have never cheated on her, I flirt and have the buzz but that's it.

OS119

Pocket Pillager wrote: »

OS119, do you honestly think "making" the op's gf live with, as you call them, "deal breaker" (since when was a relationship a deal???) rules and "threats" will establish some sort of equality in the relationship? Relationships are about equals, not a whole set of rules and a contract.

it would give her the chance to rescue the relationship, assuming, as he said, the OP would like to. if she she goes off on one and refuses to have any respect for him then she walks. job jobbed.

this relationship isn't about equals, its about a loon imposing her unreasonableness on an innocent party and then going wild when he fails to be hugely happy about it. if it was about equals your man wouldn't be here with a nutcase for a GF.

yeah, a relationship is a deal - i love you, you love me, i'll treat you well, you treat me well, i'll be honest and faithful to you and you'll be honest and faithful to me. looks like a deal to me.

i'd have ditched the wicked hag at the first sniff of bunny-boiling, but the OP wants to make a go of it if they can, so i suggested a plan that might determine whether she's doing this because she thinks she can get away with it, or if she is genuinely certifiable.

metrovelvet

I find this abusive, controlling and manipulative. Tell her to seek therapy or you're on your way. This will not get better unless she does. I dont know how you havent lost your temper already. But dont worry, one day you wil, and everybody here will tell you what a prick you are and how its all your fault and how there is no excuse for violence, and you will end up with a summons and sentence.

OS119

calmdownlove wrote: »

...I don't enable her...

sorry mate, but you do enable her - she acts badly and suffers no consequences for it.

this has been going on for nearly two years (is that right?) and only now are you talking about consequences - she's had two years of consequence-free bad behaviour, unsurprisingly she's learnt that she can do what she likes.

in any child that would be seen as enabling bad behaviour - what makes it so different for her?

Oh The Humanity

calmdownlove wrote: »

You've insulted me there saying no bloke would put up with it.

Apologies, didn't mean to offend. It was in answer to you saying 'maybe Im being hard on her'

calmdownlove wrote: »

All women are a bit mad in the head it has to be said but she is taking it too far.

Eh, now you are offending ME ! Seriously though, that is a generalisation there. Not all women are mad in the head at all. Unfortunately its one like this that give the rest of us a bad name.

calmdownlove wrote: »

I don't enable her, I'm sitting watching tv and she comes in and starts going nuts over a magazine. A bloke would never do that over a chip n dale or whatever there called so why are wome allowed to protest against p*rn?

Well, you are contradicting yourself there. By allowing her to go nuts over your porn your are enabling her. She is not 'allowed' carry on like that. It is unacceptable behaviour firstly to go throuh your stuff and do things like demand your password etc
By letting her away with all that and not reading her the Riot act you have given her a green light to go ahead and walk all over you. Tell her in no uncertain terms you will not endure any more invasions of privacy. Show her where the boundaries are.

By giving her the impression at the start that you found her psycho act 'cute and endearing' she thinks now she is in her rights to be doing all this.

You will get the behaviour out of people that you allow them away with.

calmdownlove wrote: »

I have told her I will walk (and I am) but I do honestly love her and don't want to walk.
I have never cheated on her, I flirt and have the buzz but that's it.

Well thats no harm. Sit her down and tell her it ends here. Don't let her turn on the tears and try to play the victim either. Stay calm and if she starts kicking off don't entertain her. If she wants to be treated like an adult she has to act like one.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

sorry mate, but you do enable her - she acts badly and suffers no consequences for it.

this has been going on for nearly two years (is that right?) and only now are you talking about consequences - she's had two years of consequence-free bad behaviour, unsurprisingly she's learnt that she can do what she likes.

in any child that would be seen as enabling bad behaviour - what makes it so different for her?

Ok, I'll put my hands up and say that when she gets upset in the pub, I do try to reassure her and pacify her.

But, when she tore up my magazines I told her she was nuts and that I was going to buy more anyway and just hide them better.

I guess I do enable her a bit now that i think of it but that's mainly for a quiet life, not because I think it's in any way ok.

I think she's crazy for acting like this and she knows that cause I call her crazy all the time.
I tell her she's nuts and her answer is 'If I'm so nuts then why be with me?'

I can't win with her so I think I hav eto tell her she's out the door

thefeatheredcat

She sounds quite insecure and lacking in trust... emotional issues. She needs time away to deal with herself.

tbh OP, personally I think you're good to have been there for her, but there's a limit to what you can take. She may be a bit fragile but I think walking away is the best thing...even though she could end up in a heap.

D rog

Has she had a bad experience before. Are you paying for someone else's mistakes? Has she said anything to explain being so unreasonable?
If it's not you, then something has left her like this. Talk it through if it's worth it.

Aside from that, a big chat about what is/isn't acceptable in the relationship is needed. If you won't get rid of the porn for her, then she needs to be able to live with that. She needs to tone down the jealousy. Try to have a nice even headed chat and if you can't come to some agreements there's not much you can do really.

mood

Considering you are with her so long and you still lover and want to make the relationship work suggest she get help (see a psychologist or counsellor or CBT expert). Maybe even couples counselling might help ie he/she might push her to get help on her own.

Otherwise break up with her. You can't live like this. It's not normal and no we are not all like that.

username123

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

You will get the behaviour out of people that you allow them away with.

Thats the truest word spoken on this thread.

Sorry OP but youre the one enabling the behaviour - you try to pacify and reassure her in the pub if she goes off on one? So she gets lots of positive and loving attention from you for acting like a crazy woman.
What you need to do in that situation is to walk away. Before you walk tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and not to contact you until she is ready to behave like an adult. And stick to your guns. Do not contact her and start pacifying her. Force her to pay consequences for her actions.

The quiet life excuse is just that - an excuse. If you want a quiet life then you need to stand up for yourself and stop accepting unacceptable behaviour. Actions speak louder than words and your actions are telling her its ok to behave the way she does.

LegacyUser

Your gf sounds just like me at that age so I'm not going to tell you to break up with her. She's putting herself through hell already and its also not impossible that she can overcome this.

I ripped up my bf's porn once too! Thankfully I grew out of such foolish behaviour, mostly because I matured and partly because I eventually grew to trust my boyfriend.

I never had counselling but looking back now I see that it could have really helped. You also need to be firm about boundaries as above poster said. Nobody has the right to anyone's email address or phone. Also - I know I'll be slated for this but - you are still just about in the honeymoon stage at 2 yrs together. All of those crazy cave woman feelings die out as time goes on. If my partner thought I was jealuos now he'd be over the moon!

Remember she doesn't want to be this way. Show her this thread, even if you're worried it'll cause a row. Its an anonymous forum and its important she understands what the consensus is on phone privacy and all that.

opinion guy

Pocket Pillager wrote: »

(since when was a relationship a deal???)

haha -alot of people think this way, not me, but alot do


Can I give you one piece of advice ? IF you do break up with her, for God's sake change all your passwords lest she turns malicious. In fact do that before you break up with her.

..Summergirl..

Well, I think there is could be two problem which can explain her attitude. Either you gave her a room for her to behave like that, or someone told her that you're on relation with someone else. Try to talk to her over this problem, explain that what she is doing now it's really affecting your life and your relationship with her. After all talk give her a couple of weeks and see what she's going to do next...If she'll continue with same attitude, then give her a time to think over it. Juts tall her to stay apart for sometimes, and see if she'll calm down. If after all, she'll be in the same lane, then you should seriously start thinking how to end op your relationship with her.

Wibbs

My 2 cents.

calmdownlove wrote: »

Ok, I'll put my hands up and say that when she gets upset in the pub, I do try to reassure her and pacify her.

We all need reassurance from time to time. That's not a problem until it becomes a consistent feedback loop going on. Which it sounds like here. She gets emotional feedback when you reassure her all the time. So she's not gonna stop. Why would she? It feels good, or at least it's a feeling. The other problem with this is when you try to really reassure her it will be harder as she's so used to it for everything. It loses its value, which makes her more insecure(The "ah sure he always says that" syndrome). Steaks lovely, but for brekkie, lunch and dinner?

Any time she gets upset, step back and think, "is this a valid reason?. If so, damn right reassure her, but do it once. Don't feed into going overboard. Then move the convo/evening on. If not, basically ignore it, keep smiling keep moving forward. It'll take time but then both of you will learn the value of real reassurance. Think of it as amateur CBT.

But, when she tore up my magazines I told her she was nuts and that I was going to buy more anyway and just hide them better.

Which enabled and fed into her insecurity again. Finding the porn= great excuse for upping her feelings dose. You getting angry, her getting upset even more = her getting an even bigger rush of feelings. You then saying you'd get more pron anyway = Overdose of feelings and again plugs into the hungry bastid that is her insecurity. Every time she'll want to get the same rush. Bad for her and bad for you. Over time don't be surprised either if she doesn't go off with a bloke who rarely reassures her.*

I guess I do enable her a bit now that i think of it but that's mainly for a quiet life, not because I think it's in any way ok.

Worst. Reason. Ever. doing things for the quiet life almost guarantees you'll never get it.

I think she's crazy for acting like this and she knows that cause I call her crazy all the time.

Which she wants to hear.

I tell her she's nuts and her answer is 'If I'm so nuts then why be with me?'

Again the same. More feedback for her. You're still with her aren't you? So your words don't match your actions.

I can't win with her so I think I hav eto tell her she's out the door

You can "win" with her but you have to change how you deal with this.

*I know a woman who was/is very like this. She went from a guy who couldn't do enough for her. Constant help and reassurance. She dumped him and then went off with a bloke who rarely did. She valued the second guy more. Now objectively for the rest of us in that circle, the first bloke was far better for her in damn near every way. He overdid it though. The second guy she thinks is better because he appears more together. He's not. Not by a long shot, but his lack of response(down to being a bit dull) actually makes her happy and she'll even go so far as make up excuses for him all the time. Where she gave the first guy heart disease. An extreme, but there you go.

magneticimpulse

i can say i did have ripping up porn incident. i think when your not used to that, and id never met any guys who were really into it, i thought it was weird my ex had 1000s of it. i saw it as he spent many years being alone and that if he had a woman to satisfy him enough he wouldnt need such thing. its not something that would bother me now as ive learned, but sometimes people just have different opinions on things and when people are young and not much experience in relationships, silly things like this can make them go mental....of course hopefully everyone snaps out of this stage and matures.

sounds like she is still in the terrible teens. i have my moments, but its definitely not acceptable, she has to snap out of it. for your relationship to last, she does need to talk to a professional. it can do wonders. it can give you that reassurance. the worse thing to say to someone like this is that they are crazy as they just live up to that behaviour. whereas with a professional, they can reassure, that she is an adult and hopefully she will behave like an adult.

also she needs to get out and meet other people and have her own freedom so she is not so dependent on you for emotional blackmail. if she was out, doing sport, meeting people i dont think she would be having these jealous rages.

all else fails, break up. it could do wonders for her and make her realise no one will but up with the behaviour. if she likes you, she will do all that it takes to mature. at same time you cant expect people to change into something they not. make sure you talk this through with her. i find some guys can ask everyone in the world for advice, but fail to actually have a real conversation with their partner because they might get upset.

LegacyUser

It's a learned reaction.
Much like all other learned reactions, it's unquestionably and irrefutably hard to shake.

It took me a long time to realise what I was doing when I was like this (My jealousy had a ceiling far lower than your girl though) so I'm not sure your gf actually realises why she is like this and that it's not just the way she is.

She has probably been like this since your relationship started.
Been controlling every variable it is possible for her to control in your life so that the situations in which you could be tempted are purposely avoided and with one's that simply aren't avoidable she hits the roof...stopping whatever she thinks is going on in it's tracks.
She has probably never just let go and waited to see what happened....and in never having done that she couldn't possibly trust you because she has always interfered in some way.

Try to work through it with her.

sashafierce

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Gyalist

sashafierce wrote: »

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This is, not to put too fine a point on it, arrant nonsense. Do you really think that it would be productive to keep rewarding bad behaviour?

Liam Byrne

sashafierce wrote: »

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Catch 22 there, sasha......you might "love her and want to be with her", but if she acts insanely jealous and weird and doesn't trust you, then you'll no longer "love her and want to be with her".

Actually, you might even still love her and want to be with her, but know that you can't.

For sale : one well-worn t-shirt

sashafierce

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mood

sashafierce wrote: »

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I totally disagree with this. I am female and find it very insulting for you to say 'all girls have a bit of crazy in them'. Some of us are normal!

This girl needs some professional help and if she refuses to get it the OP should walk away. Why should he put up with this madness?

sashafierce

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SarahSassy

calmdownlove wrote: »

I call her crazy all the time.

That must help :rolleyes:

calmdownlove wrote: »

I tell her she's nuts and her answer is 'If I'm so nuts then why be with me?'

She does have a point....

mood

sashafierce wrote: »

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God, you are so patronizing! I'm not some little teen saying 'if I ever had a boyfriend...'. I'm a grown woman who has been in love and didn't turn into a jealous bunny boiling, nutter as a result. The type of behaviour the OP has posted is not normal or rational. It is harm, it is harming their relationship and her mental health if nothing else.

Koushki

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

No. Quite simply, no.
Not all girls are like this, only mentally unstable ones. She needs professional help.

Break up and don't look back. Its a pity you enabled her so long by allowing this carry on. She has big problems, no bloke would put up with that.

that is terrible.

she obviously needs some help. Tell her to go see a councilor/doctor and help her through it.
the last thing she needs is you dumping her and she obviously doesn't think she has a problem and wont go to the doctor at her own accord.

You say you love her. and you dont want to dump her but her jealously is driving you mad.

then help her, if you love her.

Koushki

calmdownlove wrote: »

Ok, I'll put my hands up and say that when she gets upset in the pub, I do try to reassure her and pacify her.

But, when she tore up my magazines I told her she was nuts and that I was going to buy more anyway and just hide them better.

I guess I do enable her a bit now that i think of it but that's mainly for a quiet life, not because I think it's in any way ok.

I think she's crazy for acting like this and she knows that cause I call her crazy all the time.
I tell her she's nuts and her answer is 'If I'm so nuts then why be with me?'

I can't win with her so I think I hav eto tell her she's out the door

well, that's helpful for her situation isn't it.

You're just provoking her. If you tell someone something enough times they start to believe it.

hearing ''you're crazy, you're crazy, you're crazy'' constantly will make her actually think she is crazy, which will drive her more crazy.

Ive seen this happen before..