Relationship has hit crisis point. Need advice

LegacyUser

Im a 25 yr old male. Im in a relationship with a woman who is 29 who i truely love and see myself with forever (most of the time). So you may ask where is the problem? We've been together two years and she wants to see more commitment from me. She says she wants us to live together get engaged and get married. Something i'm not opposed to but not yet. not now. To be honest this issue has caused alot of tension between us and has lead to fights alot of fights in the past three months. I'm not living at home and i'm content living where i am at the moment. I'm not 100% sure living with my other half would be a success at this moment in time. I can think of a number of reasons. We fight too much lately everything seems to be consumed with this idea of me not committing. Another is i'm happy where i'm living at the moment and a third is my parents are old fashioned and although they really like my gf i've hinted at the idea of us living together recently and they weren't too gone on the idea. i wouldn't not do it because they did not improve but saying that i respect them alot and i wouldnt do anything that would upset them.
Then there is the other aspect of it engagement and marriage. I'm all for it but i'm realistic about it. Neither of us have any savings. I earn o.k money but lately i'm only working 4 days a week. I honestly couldn't afford a ring not too mind a wedding and i think it would be outragous to get into debt just to keep her happy. So i got the ultimatium last week she said that she wants us to live together get engaged and then married. She said i'm stringing her along (which maybe i am a small bit or mor like trying to put her) and that if i dont intend commiting before x mas she wants it off. So heres the thing i really do love her and i dont want to lose her but saying that i'm just not ready for what she wants yet but im sure in a few years i will. do i give into her demands or do i just let her go and move on? any advice appreciated. thanks

Moomoo1

I can sympathise up to a point: we also got married in just over two years, and it was mainly her initiative. There were no ultimatums, she just looked at me with her big sad eyes and I couldn't really refuse . Thus far, I haven't regretted it :rolleyes:. But we lived together since day 1 and seemed to be in a passable shape financially at the time (except that the wedding was smaller than I'd have liked, which I still to this day regret).

So I don't know... I took the view that marriage is just a piece of paper, and if she wanted that formality she could have it.

I know of more extreme cases... one couple we know got married at 19-20 after going out for just a few months... and still together 11 years on... so it's possible.

If you _really_ want this person, and feel that she is 1) unique to you and 2) makes you happy, then you need to make compromises for her. Frankly, the living together would for most people be non-negotiable at this stage, so I am not surprised about her wanting that. If that works, you can talk about bigger and better things. So I would give her the living together for now, and promise the rest conditional on her being nice to you and not fighting in the meantime (so it doesn't look like a total climbdown on your part ;-) )

Nervous Wreck

Ultimatums are never healthy and you clearly sound like you're not ready to give her what she wants. You shouldn't be forced into anything for anyone. If she wants to do something that'll make you unhappy, well... I dunno how I could really give in to that tbh....

Beruthiel

She's 29.
Is she looking to get married because she wants to have kids?
Sit down and talk to her about it, because if you are both thinking differently about the future then you need to discuss that now and end the relationship if ye cannot come to an agreement.

shellyboo

If you're not ready, don't let her force you into it. Marriage is a huge, huge decision. I think the two of you living together would be the perfect compromise, but as you say, it will upset your parents. I guess though at some stage you have to do what's right for you and not worry about what they think. You need to weigh up what's important to you - do you want to keep this woman in your life? If so, that may mean going against your parents' wishes and moving in.

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote: »

She's 29.
Is she looking to get married because she wants to have kids?
Sit down and talk to her about it, because if you are both thinking differently about the future then you need to discuss that now and end the relationship if ye cannot come to an agreement.

+1 Good advice right there and a thing a lot of men miss. If she's thinking of a future with you its more likely a concrete thing with kids etc. Not some vague "ah sure we'll still be together".

Pocket Pillager

I can't believe people are telling the op that if he loves his gf he should get engaged, just like that, to keep her happy. It's something that you should do when you're ready, when the time is right for both parties. The most disastrous marriages have been fostered on ultimatums. Compromise works both ways, not in one direction. Op, you need to decide now (and tell her) if you see marriage and moving in down the line, and be honest with her, but for her part she needs to realize that, if they are things you see in your future with her, they are not something you are ready for right now.

I knew 2 years in that moving in with my bf and marrying him were things I would do some time down the line, and he knew at that point too that he wanted to us to be together permanently but marriage is not something either of us is ready for right now. He isn't pushed on marriage generally, but it is something I want to do with him, and he's cool with this eventuality because it's something I want to do eventually.

We moved in together in March after 3 years together because the time was right for both of us. I was ready about a year before he was, but his work and different factors in his life meant that he wasn't ready, and I instinctively knew this so I wasn't going to press it. This is my side of the bargain. Your parents should not be a factor in this decision, though. Your gf is going out with you, not your parents, so to expect her to accept your parents influencing how your relationship progresses is not on.

Wibbs

Oh I agree, not being the marrying kind myself, but I do agree with Beruthiel that they do need to sit down and see where they both want to go in the future.

Pocket Pillager

The op has said, though: "She says she wants us to live together get engaged and get married. Something i'm not opposed to but not yet. not now."

So of course I'm assuming that he has said this to his gf. But she wants all of that now. Just because the op is not ready for this now does not necessarily mean it's something he does not want with her, period, or that he loves her less. He should make this clear to her, if he hasn't already.

Women are great for this, I think: these unspoken deadlines we set ourselves where after x months in a relationship this should have happened, one year in this should have happened, etc., thereby ignoring the evidence in front of them of whether their partner loves them or not. Every relationship moves at its own pace, in its own time, when both parties are ready. If the op's gf is looking around at her social circle and seeing them moving in, getting engaged, marrying, etc. after a certain time she's probably applying those deadlines to this relationship too. And that's wrong, because deadlines are agreed, not dictated by others.

Oh The Humanity

Do her a favour and yourseelf a favour and be honest with both her and yourself.

I can never understand people waiting so long to live together. I find if you know you like someone you know from 3/4 months on. Living together is no big deal. I don't get this business of 'waiting to live together' -

The best thing to do is get in there. Suck it and see, It will make or break the relationship. Dragging it out into the nebulous 'never never' of 'someday but not today' and 'not just yet' drives women nuts because we are all about the getting on with it.

Sit down the two of you and talk. You want to do things at your pace, she wants to do things at hers. In these situations there will be accusations, 'she is pressuring me' and 'he is stringing me along wasting my precious time with ever changing goalposts'

Its the way of it. The two of you need to start seeing things from the other ones point of view. She is on a clock. You have time and want to smell the roses and move at a stately pace.

Neither can have their own way entirely. You can't stay in your comfort zone forever and dictate the pace but she can't drag you up the aisle tomorrow either.

2 years is time enough to be moving in. And Im sorry but as for

a third is my parents are old fashioned and although they really like my gf i've hinted at the idea of us living together recently and they weren't too gone on the idea

DONT say that to her. She will be highly insulted. Your parents feelings on your living arrangements are irrelevant in this. Cut the apron strings and man up.

Im also interested in the fact that you say you are with the woman you truly love and see yourself with forever and then used the username 'UnsureWitLove' -that paradoxical right there.

Life can't be lived on cruise control with no scary bits. You have to jump in sometimes and get on with it.

kenbrady

UnsureWitLove wrote: »

I'm not 100% sure living with my other half would be a success at this moment in time.
I can think of a number of reasons.
We fight too much lately everything seems to be consumed with this idea of me not committing.
Another is i'm happy where i'm living at the moment
and a third is my parents are old fashioned

She's 29 you're 25, you're young and carefree, she's thinking about her future and wants commitment and security. Plus she'll want to be thinking about kids soon as she's pushing on.

If you don't think living together is a good idea, how can you even contemplate marriage kids etc.
It's a tough one, you are clearly at different stages of your life right now. Ultimatiums are bad, only think you can do is be honest and tell her your position, if you don't know about the future now, tell her, but tell her you love her and want to continue with the relationship.

It's give and take, if she persists to push you into something you're don't want, not ready for, I'd walk away, better for everyone in the long run. Breakup with her now rather that move in, get engaged and realise you made a mistake in a couple of years and then walk.

iguana

Pocket Pillager wrote: »

Women are great for this, I think: these unspoken deadlines we set ourselves

If a woman wants children she isn't setting the deadlines, biology is. She is 29, she has 6-8 years left in which to safely have children. (Yes, we all know women who have had children beyond this point but her fertility reduces significantly and the risks to the baby increase.) If she wants 2 or 3 children she has to start having some sort of plan now.

If she does want children she is probably feeling that either the OP makes some sort of solid move toward that future or she needs to end this relationship and find someone with else that she can have the future she wants with. The longer she leaves it, the more risks she is taking with her fertility.

wolf9

if the OP isnt ready and he only does it to keep her happy the marriage will more than likely be a disaster, it must be mutual and not forced, she needs to be more understanding of your feelings and take the risk of waiting if she really loves you insted of offering ultimatums/threats , and you be fair to her by having a good long hard think about it and try to make sure you are not stringing her along that you are serious but it will have to wait untill you are ready , if its children that she is worried about well you cant afford a ring at this moment in time let alone support a family. similar situation with friend of mine he was offered ultimatum and didnt take her up on it and has since moved on with a new girl and does not regret it, he simply wasnt ready!!

LegacyUser

A wedding doesn't have to cost a fortune and you don't even need to marry or own your own place.

I'm a 35 year old going through ivf. If you love this girl don't let her get into the situation me and my partner are in now. Sure you can wait a year or two before taking action but yes you probably should make your decision by Christmas.

nodirectionhome

I feel bad for her, I recently broke up with a younger guy, because I felt like we were teengaers, boyfriend and girlfriend just having a laugh but no future and I'm 27 I wanted a bit more, not nescaserily marraige and kids straight away but some sort of plans for same. There were other issues also, but when I walked, he was delighted and took back to single life like a duck to water, I 'd say you will prob be same, your not ready to settle, she is. Let her go, and find someone who is on her wavelenght. It will be hard, but worse if its in 5 years time and she resents that she wated so much time on someone that wasnt ready to commit

pookie82

Probably one of the most common problems in the book, particularly when the guy is younger than the girl, even by a little bit. Iguana hit the nail on the head when she said that your girlfriend isn't the one putting pressure on necessarily - time is. I can understand a 25 year old guy freaking out at the idea of marriage and kids, but i can also understand the feeling of time getting away from you and being with someone who you're not sure has the same priorities on the same timeline.

It would be terribly unwise of you to rush into marriage etc if you don't even think you guys can live together. But why don't you guys at least try the latter? What's stopping you? (Your parents disapproving is a pretty lame excuse, I'm sure you've done things they have disapproved of before and you can't let them dictate your life). It might help her feel that you guys are at least taking a step in the right direction without having to get hitched.

I'm bemused by the fact that you see yourself spending forever with this girl and really love her yet after two years you're still afraid to as much as co-habitate with her. Strange scenario. In the real world you will have to try at some point to see if you guys can tolerate sharing a house before you go any further. Talk of marriage and kids is utterly premature unless you can feel comfortable sharing a home.

I feel for her because it's not nice wondering if you're going to spend years hanging around (and let's face it, getting older) without any sign of a family with some guy who wants to be twenty forever. Time and biological clocks are very cruel to women and I can imagine that most guys see it as a comical nuisance at the best of times.

Truth is, men can pretty much pro create for their entire lives. Women have about 40 years in which to do so (sometimes not even that long). Take into account the fact that we don't tend to have kids in our early teens anymore or through college, and that risk of infertility and harm to the baby rises substantially after 35, that leaves us with dramatically less time in which to have a family. So yes, it will be on our mind at a certain age. No, you shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want to. But you will have to talk to her, weigh up how much each is willing to compromise, and be adults about it.

But please please live with her before commiting to anything heavier. It will be the making or breaking of you.

kittenkiller

Hi OP.

Talk to your partner.
She seems to either have her own agenda which she's dead set on sticking to or the fact that she's about to hit the big 3-0 is causing her to reassess where she is in life and freak out a little.
But you'll never really know until you talk to her.

Tell her how you feel about her and reassure her that you love her and see you spending the rest of your lives together.

It seems that a compromise will have to be made on both sides for the time being.
Could you agree that you have another big sit down in a years time to see if you bot feel the same way (ie. she feels like she needs to talk a big step to feel at ease and you still feel like you need a bit of space and time to yourself).

Before you sit with her however, sit down and consider how you really feel about things so you can be 100% clear with her when you talk things through.
If you're not prepared and end up giving her false hope or saying something you don't mean you'll be in 10 times more trouble in a few months down the line.

Best of luck OP.