How do i handle this situation?

LegacyUser

Iv been going out with with my boyfriend for the last 5 months. I am madly in love with him but i feel like im in a situation that i can't cope with.

He has a child with his ex girlfriend. I adore his son and think it's important he has a good relationship with his sons mother but i feel he puts her before me! He stays in her house four or five nights a week, goes out to the pub and for dinner with her. She also has a partner who as far as i can tell has no problem with there relationship and often the 3 of them spend time together while im at home alone. I really dont mind them having a a good relationship but they see each other everyday even if the child is in school, and i only get to see my OH 2 or 3 hours a week !!

I have no doubt he cares about me but he has made no effort to introduce me to his family. He buried his grandfather today. I went to the funeral and he didn't even speak to me im guessing so that his family don't start asking questions.

I really love him but feel like im being taken for granted? like i'll just be there when he's free. Am i being too sensitive? Should i just accept his relationship with his ex? sorry for rambling on i just can't take this constant feeling of anxiety anymore

minidazzler

OP, you will or at least should ALWAYS come second to his child.

His relationship with his ex is unlikely a factor going to affect your relationship unless you allow it to. You need to remember that them being friendly will produce a postive parental unit in the childs life, if you care about him, and the child then you will let it be.

Although, why not talk to him about spending a little more time with you if thats what you want. But be prepared to accept a No answer.

Virgil°

minidazzler wrote: »

OP, you will or at least should ALWAYS come second to his child.

His relationship with his ex is unlikely a factor going to affect your relationship unless you allow it to. You need to remember that them being friendly will produce a postive parental unit in the childs life, if you care about him, and the child then you will let it be.

Although, why not talk to him about spending a little more time with you if thats what you want. But be prepared to accept a No answer.

You're having a laugh right?What ridiculousness!

I don't think your being too sensitive on this one OP. Obviously it would be wrong of you to contend for first place above his relationship with his child. But it is definately NOT wrong of you to expect be placed ahead of his ex.
Shes his ex ffs,as in his PREVIOUS girlfriend not his current one. Of course he should be friendly with her for the sake of his kids or even good friends to her but not to the detriment of his current relationship.
You need to convey this to your boyfriend OP. No other way around it. Make it very clear that you feel hes devoting a grossly unfair amount of time to her, time that could be spent with you. If hes not willing to budge then you gotta ask yourself, if you're willing to live in relationship where you're not only in second place but third?

thefeatheredcat

Firstly, he's just buried his grandfather so I imagine he's in mourning so I don't think now is a very appropriate time to confront him on this situation.

You're only in a relationship with this guy 5 mths, not years.
You're obviously jealous he's spending time with his ex, the mother of his child. Nights over/dinner you're perceiving as dates and time spent with her... I imagine they've stayed friends since the child and could very well have a long history together. I wouldn't read too much into it unless you have a real tangible reason to.

You've said he's off out and about with his ex and you're stuck at home. Then go out and do something constructive yourself rather than worrying what he's doing and who he's with. He has a life beyond you.

If you're feeling a little lonely with his spending time with ex or you really feel it's a real insecurity then talk to him about it or work it out for yourself.

I don't think you have the full picture on things here. Afterall, you're not involved with his family as you've described.

If you talk it out and still are uncomfortable with this situation well, you're only 5mths in. It's not the end of the world if you have to walk away.

MizzLolly

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Firstly, he's just buried his grandfather so I imagine he's in mourning so I don't think now is a very appropriate time to confront him on this situation.

You're only in a relationship with this guy 5 mths, not years.
You're obviously jealous he's spending time with his ex, the mother of his child. Nights over/dinner you're perceiving as dates and time spent with her... I imagine they've stayed friends since the child and could very well have a long history together. I wouldn't read too much into it unless you have a real tangible reason to.

You've said he's off out and about with his ex and you're stuck at home. Then go out and do something constructive yourself rather than worrying what he's doing and who he's with. He has a life beyond you.

If you're feeling a little lonely with his spending time with ex or you really feel it's a real insecurity then talk to him about it or work it out for yourself.

I don't think you have the full picture on things here. Afterall, you're not involved with his family as you've described.

If you talk it out and still are uncomfortable with this situation well, you're only 5mths in. It's not the end of the world if you have to walk away.

To be honest, I don't think any of the above post is relevant. Her being with him for five months doesn't make a blind bit of a difference. He chose to have a relationship with her, yet she's feeling like he only bothers with her when it suits him.

Likewise to the posters pointing out that his child should come first, well obviously! The OP hasn't suggested for a second that his son should be second place to her. To be perfectly honest OP I'd be pretty annoyed too if I was in a relationship with a guy who wouldn't even speak to me in front of his family. (in relation to him ignoring her at the funeral) Yeah, he's going through a rough time but this isn't his PI post so telling to OP to stop being sensitive or attempting to belittle her feelings for this fella by pointing out the short time she's been with him is incredibly unhelpful for her I imagine.

Sure, as far as his son goes he will always come first. The OP's admitted this.

Her issue here is that she feels he spends more time away with his ex than with her and that she feels as though he's not taking their relationship seriously. I'd certainly look at him ignoring you in front of his family as a warning sign. He's trying to play a few different roles here by the sound of things and isn't comfortable being your boyfriend when he's with his relatives. That's just not on. After five months surely he's mentioned you? You said in your OP that you love this guy so I'm assuming your relationship with him is relatively serious, has he said he loves you? To be honest 2-3 hours a week isn't enough time to spend on a relationship. jeez, I spend more time posting on boards!

I think if this was me in your situation I'd sit him down and explain firstly, very clearly, that you love how involved he is with his son and that you are happy he is spending time with him. Then I'd probably mention how you feel you're not seeing enough of him and suggesting, in a non confrontational way, that rather than staying in his son's house during school hours etc (basically whenever his son isn't there to see him) that you and him can work on doing more things together.

See how he reacts to the suggestion. Just don't get all emotional and confrontational about it. Suggest it and see what he says.

If he insists on spending time with his ex even when his son's not around then I'd be inclined to wonder if this guy is ready to be with anyone else. It's fine that he's being a good daddy but if he's happy about spending more time with his ex girlfriend and her partner than he does with you, something is wrong.

Obviously leave things to settle for a while first. If he's just buried his grandparent you're gona have to bite your tongue for another lil while.

Keep us posted (and good luck)

kjl

how do I put this nicely,

If you only see a guy for 3 hours a week.......

You are not his girlfriend

minidazzler

kjl wrote: »

how do I put this nicely,

If you only see a guy for 3 hours a week.......

You are not his girlfriend

Just because that's how you view a relationship doesn't make it true for everyone.

True, it would be better if they had more time together, but the fact is they don't.

daisybelle2008

kjl wrote: »

how do I put this nicely,

If you only see a guy for 3 hours a week.......

You are not his girlfriend

I agree with this totally, in fact I wonder if he has even split up with his ex at all. Dinner, dates and sleep overs 5 nights a week with his 'ex'!!
That is pretty much living with her.

Does she know about you at all?

Sounds like you may be a mistress and not have copped it. Even if you are not it sounds like he is trying to get back with her and may be keeping you as back up if all his wining and dining does not work.
Seriously 2 or 3 hours a week you spend together.

Sure put his son first but it seems all his free time (when the kiddy is in bed) is spent trying to get back into his ex's knickers.

Linoge

minidazzler wrote: »

Just because that's how you view a relationship doesn't make it true for everyone.

True, it would be better if they had more time together, but the fact is they don't.

I think its that very fact that makes KJL right, and is his point! OPs "bf" has made no effort by the looks of things.

And the OP did not ask to be put ahead of her boyfriends child, just ahead of his ex. Yes, in an ideal world Mammy and Daddy would all live in one big house and everyone one would be happy, but that doesn't mean you should try to create an artificial version of the same.

@ OP, tbh the fact that he ignored you at the funeral is a massive cause for concern. Usually, when someone loses someone close to them they look to their nearest and dearest for support. That doesn't mean to say that he will be balling his eyes out to you, but at least want you to sit next to him at the funeral and go home with you afterwards.

I would also go one further than MizzLolly and even suggest that maybe he is still in love with his ex? Most men will naturally have a strong affection for the mother of their child.

seahorse

To answer your question OP: I wouldn't bother trying to handle that situation, I'd just walk away from it.

mood

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I agree with this totally, in fact I wonder if he has even split up with his ex at all. Dinner, dates and sleep overs 5 nights a week with his 'ex'!!
That is pretty much living with her.

Does she know about you at all?

Sounds like you may be a mistress and not have copped it. Even if you are not it sounds like he is trying to get back with her and may be keeping you as back up if all his wining and dining does not work.
Seriously 2 or 3 hours a week you spend together.

Sure put his son first but it seems all his free time (when the kiddy is in bed) is spent trying to get back into his ex's knickers.

I agree it sounds like he is having a relationship with his 'ex' not you. Are you 100% sure they are finished or do you just have his word for it? If it happens they are it is not normal form him to stay over in her house and will only confuse the poor child (who obviously should come first not his 'ex'). I would walk away.

The funeral also would concern me. It sounds like nobody knows you exist and he wants to keep it this way ie keep his affair quite.

LegacyUser

Sorry OP but its all a bit suspect.

Assuming that he has been honest and he isn't with his ex, you're still embarking on a very difficult relationship. One evening a week together after five months is nothing and even though you accept that the child comes first, you are important too.

Alot of people a kid from previous relationships but they still look forward to their next family i.e. you. It seems like he's happy with the arrangement he has. As the other poster said, don't go confronting him this week, but you have every right to put yourself first, especially under these circumstances.

Maybe it is worth chatting to him about it but don't accept second best. It might be easier to walk away now than get caught up in any more of this. You won't get his respect by playing second fiddle either.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Please don't think im trying to take first priority over his son. Like i said i adore his son and being an only child myself who's parents split when i was young i know how important it is for them to have a good relationship. My parents had and still do have a great relationship but they never slept in each others houses 4 and 5 nights a week or went on nights out just the two of them!

Yes they are broken up im positive, We even went on a double date with her and her new partner last month and i always say hello when i see her around but i just feel uncomfortable with the amount of time they spend together and im just an afterthought when he's bored?

He has said he loves me a few times but this has only ever been after a few drinks. I know 5 months isn't very long but it still doesn't mean i care about him any less than i would in 5 years time. I also understand he has a life beyond me. Not for one second do i want to spend every waking moment with him or even want to know exactly what he is up to when im not around. I just don't want a part time boyfriend. Or a boyfriend who is planning on never mentioning me to his family.

In my course in college i am one of 3 female students the rest all male. The majority of my friends are guys. My boyfriend doesn't like when i do things with these friends and tells me i can't wear short dresses, so alot of the time i don't. I stay at home. While he's with her?
Im really not trying to make him out to be horrible because he's not at all!! Like i said i love him, the time we do have together is great and he is really sweet its just 5 or 6 days of the week i have no boyfriend.

Im not going to see him till saturday again and we are going away for two nights this weekend with my family so i think i will bring it up with him once we get back. I don't want him to think im picking on him when my family is around and he has no escape.

Virgil°

Just_dont_know wrote: »

Hwith these friends and tells me i can't wear short dresses, so alot of the time i don't. I stay at home. While he's with her?
Im really not trying to make him out to be horrible because he's not at all!!
.

Im sorry dear but the actions of your boyfriend that you describe here are not those of someone who loves you.Of course hes gonna be sweet to you when he sees you, he gets what he wants that way. You stay "loving him" in pieces, clinging on to the tidbits of affection he throws your way hoping for more and he gets to do whatever the f*** he likes.
Try very hard to be objective here, imagine a friend of yours was decribing her boyfriend to you. She tells you that he gets to dictate what she wears,that he outright ignores her existence at a family meeting and gives her next to none of his time in favour of his previous girlfriend. What would your advice be?

martdalto

What do you love about him?
What are the little things he does for you to make you feel loved?
What is it about HIM, that makes him better for you than all the other blokes out there?
If you ended it tomorrow, how do you think YOU'D feel?
If you ended it tomorrow, how do you think HE'D feel?

Think of the answers to these questions, and then decide on what you want to do.

I think after 5 months it's only fair that you are at least considered.

Why don't you go out with them, if the 3 of them (incl her partner) go out during the week? Why is he out, and your sitting at home on your own? Do you think you need to be invited? Why not tell him you're joining in the next night?

I think he has you exactly where he wants you. He is controlling you, and you're hanging on waiting for what ever little scraps he throws you.

You deserve so much more... as I said, if you ended it tomorrow, do you think he'd be too bothered? If not, then it's time to value yourself a bit more, and find someone who deserves you.