11yo has fear of being alone in any room in house

PaddyThai

For some years now our daughter has been terrified to go th the bathroom alone, go to bed alone or even stay in any other room alone. afetr talking with her some years back she said her fears started when one of the kids at school told the group a ghost story.
We figured she would get over it and for a time she was fine. If she is watching a movie she can be in a room alone.
Sometimes it is so bad that not only must she be in the same room as us but must stand beside us in the room. She has to sleep with my wife or myself and often wakes us up in the middle of the night to look at her until she sleeps or hold her tight.
We have considered getting her professional help as there is no improvement.

Any opinions or experience welcome.

p.pete

moved from psychology, but do consider getting professional help as you have suggested.

Miaireland

I think it might be worth getting professional help at this stage. If it has been going on for a while it is unlikely just to disappear at this stage and your wife and yourself appear to have done everything you can to help.

Best of luck to you all.

pepsi1234

Maybe talk to her about her fears and reassure her. Perhaps read her stories about people overcoming fears and not being afraid.
You could also try providing her with a mobile so she can ring you if you're in another room?
But most of all I think professional help is needed in the long term.

Lollipops23

Hi OP
would 2nd all the advice re professional help; it doesn't have to be as scary and overwhelming as you may think, it will be catered specifically for her age and situation.

Perhaps try leaving her for very short periods of time and lengthen each period bit by bit. Explain to her first that you will do this, and prepare her.

Hope this helps...:D

Builderfromhell

Thanks for all the advice guys. Much appreciated.

Looks like we'll need professional advice.

Can anyone recommend someone in Limerick or thereabouts. I guess forum rules will require suggestions via Pm.

Fabulosa

I went through a phase like your daughter's from age 9 to 11 or 12.

I started really suddenly. Ghost stories, horror films or real life stuff from the news could set me off. Anything. I was afraid of nuclear war or dead bodies under the bed or moving shadows. I knew at the time that it wan't rational and therefore it was hard to talk about specific fears. Sometimes I'd stay awake all night through fear (I'd imagine a blind man standing at the end of my bed! :eek::D) and be exhausted all the next day.

I don't know if I was channelling other anxieties into all this horror stuff but I think it was a childhood thing. Too much imagination. The good news is that it cleared up as suddenly as it began as I entered puberty and I don't think it did any lasting damage. I don't know if counselling will help your daughter but I think another year or two definitely will. Teenage concerns will probably take over soon enough. Best of luck.

Moomoo1

I used to be scared of being alone, esp. in the dark. When my parents left me in the flat alone for the first time (this was in a country where this was totally legal) I stood near the door peering into the watch-hole for hours because I was scared of the empty flat...

I must have been 8-9 or something...

Sinall

Ghost stories in school had quite an effect on me as a child. However, this would only last about a week, but I would have to sleep in the bed with my parents and constantly wake my father up to ask him if ghosts were real. After he promised me that there were no such thing as ghosts for the 50th time I would fall asleep! But I would want him to stay awake until I fell asleep as I felt that if he were not watching then the ghosts could "get me".

This would happen the next time someone told a ghost story. Perhaps the ghost stories at your daughter's school are still being told? She might still be hearing them regularly. Older girls in school used to tell them and we used to scare ourselves silly. Some of them used to involve our particular school which frightened us more. It can be hard as a child to walk away from a group when that is going on, but perhaps you could talk to your daughter to explain that if someone brings it up she should make some excuse (eg going to the bathroom etc) and walk away and stay away for a while. It might be worth talking to your daughter's teacher, just asking them to keep an ear our for this kind of thing going on. When I was in school ghost stories used to crop up every couple of months or so. Kids used also talk about films such as Poltergeist, so she could still be hearing this kind of thing.

I don't know what else to say because my fear passed in between the ghost stories being told but I do really empathise with you and your daughter. I'm sure a professional would be able to give you some proper guidelines and suggestions.

PaddyThai

Very impressed by the amount and quality of the responses and advice.
It is uplifting to know that in a cynical world people will go out of their way to offer advice and help to a complete stranger for no obvious personal gain. a little off topic but I thought I'd say it anyway.

Thanks again.

LegacyUser

Hey OP my little sister spent years being terrified to go to bed on her own. She was afraid the pictures on the walls would come to life...and would sit on the stairs outside the living room door for hours. My parents spent years and years counselling her, and she eventually grew out of it, but she's still very wary of being on her own overnight in the house (she's 22).
I have cousins aswell who used to spend nights awake in a terror after a scary film, up until they were well into their teens. One is terrified of clowns, and she had a clown toy in the room - for years she made her parents keep it in a box in the furthest room in the house from her. SHe still hates them (she's 24).

Maybe take your daughter to talk to someone a couple of times. Be aware though, that it will probably live with her for life - it's teaching her to cope with it that she needs more right now. It will probably get better as she gets older. The other thing is are you absolutely sure that it was only a ghost story at school that's causing this? Did she tell you the story? A counsellor of some sort might get it out of her exactly what she's been told, and that way you'll be able to address exactly what her fears are, rather than a vague fear of ghosts, which is pretty difficult, as it's kind of all-encompassing. Is she the same when you're away on holidays or in other houses?If not is it something about your house that's scaring her?

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck.

JuliusCaesar

Builderfromhell wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys. Much appreciated.

Looks like we'll need professional advice.

Can anyone recommend someone in Limerick or thereabouts. I guess forum rules will require suggestions via Pm.

Psychological Society of Ireland is the professional body for all psychologists including Child Psychologists. They'll be able to recommend someone, or ask your GP.

kjl

I dont think she need professional help, when I was younger I saw childsplay (The one with Chucky) and for the next few years I had a completely irrational fear of all my toys.

In the end, I got over it by concurring my fear and watching the movie again, when I did this I realised that I had invested way too much emotion into this and it never bothered me again.

maybe you need to help your daughter confront these fears, guide her though the whole process and show her there is nothing to be scared of.

LegacyUser

I think its very normal for her to be this scared , some kinds imaginations can be wilder than others talk to her, find out what exactly she is scared of,
TBH Im 26 and if i were to watch a scary movin id be afriad to be in a room alone and id probably be nervous of livin alone for a day or two, she is only little so its a hundered times worse

username123

OP - you say she can be alone watching a movie.

Do you think the behaviour is rooted in genuine fear/anxiety or is it attention seeking behaviour?

I do think its best to seek professional advice, it might also be worth considering putting her into a peer group situation where she builds self confidence through team activities and perhaps has trips where she has to fend for herself (within the group) as some of her anxiety may be a lack of self confidence?

LegacyUser

When I was about that age I had for years had an irrational fear of fire, brought on by an episode of Coronation St where there had been a fire in the Rovers, compounded by a fire in the Ramsay house in Neighbours! Both involved people being asleep and having to be rescued. I was therefore completely paranoid about going to bed in case a fire started. My parents got around it by getting me to help them check at night that everything was switched off, plugged out, fire had died down and guard was up etc.
Maybe if she can tell you the exact story that scared her it might help? Maybe a check of rooms, wardrobes, under beds, locked doors etc before bedtime might help her see the house is secure and that nobody else is inside.
I truly don't mean to offend anyone who has suggested counselling, I'm blessed never to have needed it and know it can change people's lives - I just feel maybe it's something that can be sorted out within the home like my problem was. I don't even remember my fear stopping, it just did.
The main thing I think is to promise her that you and her mum love her so much that you would never let her live in a house where she was in danger. That's so reassuring to a child. Good luck

PaddyThai

Unregistered wrote: »

When I was about that age I had for years had an irrational fear of fire, brought on by an episode of Coronation St where there had been a fire in the Rovers, compounded by a fire in the Ramsay house in Neighbours! Both involved people being asleep and having to be rescued. I was therefore completely paranoid about going to bed in case a fire started. My parents got around it by getting me to help them check at night that everything was switched off, plugged out, fire had died down and guard was up etc.
Maybe if she can tell you the exact story that scared her it might help? Maybe a check of rooms, wardrobes, under beds, locked doors etc before bedtime might help her see the house is secure and that nobody else is inside.
I truly don't mean to offend anyone who has suggested counselling, I'm blessed never to have needed it and know it can change people's lives - I just feel maybe it's something that can be sorted out within the home like my problem was. I don't even remember my fear stopping, it just did.
The main thing I think is to promise her that you and her mum love her so much that you would never let her live in a house where she was in danger. That's so reassuring to a child. Good luck

That's good advice. Thanks a lot.
In view of the amount and quality of the responses I'm thinking I should write a more detailed descrption of her behaviour and see what people think.

I am reluctant to take her to a 'specialist' for fear of making her feel she is abnormal or something. I also would need to be sure the specialist has a good track record with successfully dealing with children.

Deerc

Suffered the very same problem myself when I was young. Lasted until I was at least 16. Used to have to sleep on the floor of my parents bedroom for many a night. Often stayed awake until 6am with TV on - just waiting for daylight. Attribute it to grandparents (who lived with us) dying while I was young.

I was afraid to go to the bathroom at the top of the stairs alone because it was next to my grandfathers old room. The whole thing was a terrible ordeal. Any local tragedy or death would set me off. For years and years I suffered. My parents were naturally worried and frustrated - but I grew out of it.

Professional help may be the answer - and may have helped me should I have had the opportunity. But I've lived to tell the tale!!

Gibs

I have used this book successfully with children experiencing similar difficulties to those that you describe.

However, given the length of time that this difficulty has persisted, the fact that it is having a very significant impact on your child and because of the way the original trigger has become generalised to many different situations and behaviours, you should probably consider seeking professional help. Go to your G.P. for advice about who to attend or contact the PSI, as suggested by Julius above. Either/both of these sources will be aware of reputable clinicians in your area who will be able to help you and your child.

Fears like this can dissipate naturally with time but sometimes they can be quite persistent and difficult to resolve and might be maintained by a variety of factors. A good professional consultation will help you get to the bottom of the issue and may save you and your daughter a lot of time and distress.

A final point: while this is undoubtedly a genuine request for assistance, at the risk of being pedantic, the charter for this forum does not permit treatment advice for individuals, so giving a more detailed description of your child's situation and inviting opinions re treatment is probably not allowed.

pepsi1234

pepsi1234 wrote: »

Maybe talk to her about her fears and reassure her. Perhaps read her stories about people overcoming fears and not being afraid.
You could also try providing her with a mobile so she can ring you if you're in another room?
But most of all I think professional help is needed in the long term.

Chicken Soup for the Soul. Havn't read any of them in years..



Edit: Maybe you could teach your daughter to use boards.ie and let her post her problem here :P We're very helpful you know.

Victor

PaddyThai wrote: »

That's good advice. Thanks a lot.
In view of the amount and quality of the responses I'm thinking I should write a more detailed descrption of her behaviour and see what people think.

I am reluctant to take her to a 'specialist' for fear of making her feel she is abnormal or something. I also would need to be sure the specialist has a good track record with successfully dealing with children.

While the internet has its uses and is good for getting pointers and people's experiences, it is no substitute for proper medical advice.

Having a word with your GP should be your next point of call.