So I looked in the mirror today...

Call Me Jimmy

After having towels over all the mirrors for months, I took the plunge out of curiosity/boredom/hope. I looked in the mirror and jesus i'm ugly. I'm not exaggerating but it was like in vanilla sky where he thinks he's grand then looks in the mirror and sees his mangled face!

My problem is learning to accept this. What do us ugly people have to say to ourselves to get us through the day-to-day interaction with others - especially the opposite sex - when you know your not nice to look at?

Obviously for people to like you ye have to have a good personality, but it's hard to be upbeat about something so fundamental to your existence. Ye can't escape it.

I'm 22 and after years of knowing this, I still can't accept it. It's very hard to explain but I was wondering what other people who aren't good-looking do to get by. Knowing that when you walk in a room, nobody notices. When you are at the pub, no girls are looking at you, but they're chatting up your friends. How does a young man deal with that?

I know,"You're probably not attractive to girls because of your negative attitude". This isn't the case though, I have tried so so hard to be positive - having a good night out etc. but even when I would seem as positive as anyone else, I still amn't attractive.

I need some wisdom. I need something that will click in my mind and make me change the way I think. What do ugly people do?

kjl

OK Jimmy, In what way do you think you are ugly.

Call Me Jimmy

No no. I've been to the doc, I've done all that. It's a fact. I'm saying, how do I deal with that?

kjl

Well, you need to embrace your uniqueness, you can give off vibes of confidence if your not. Take the thing that you are the most upset about, and make it an ice breaker. You're not the only one who is self conscience in the encounter of meeting women.

Women sometimes like it when you let your guard down and show them the smallest piece of weakness. Laugh and joke about it. In no time it will stop bothering you.

Now, for the tough bit, You're going to need to stick to your own league. You don't see me trying to play professional football now do you. This is a bit of a hash exercise, but go back to that mirror and take a cold hard look at yourself and rate yourself out of 10. Now you can go plus and mines 2 from that number, so if you think you are a 2 go for a 4. etc

To build up a little confidence in talking to women, try a little street game.
Tell yourself that you have to talk to 10 females a day. In the beginning you can talk to old ladies and shop assistance, flirt with them a bit. Don't worry there is no intent, this is just to get you escalating. then step it up. Talk to better looking women for longer.

Women are easy and when you get older they become incredibly easy.

Might I also recommend maybe investing in a nice wardrobe, Im sure what ever you are wearing is nice, but if it was sexual you wouldn't be posting here.

Call Me Jimmy

Thanks for the reply. The only bit I have a problem with is the tough bit - sticking to your own league. I am the only ugly person who would prefer to be alone than be with someone I don't really like the look of? If they aren't attractive to you, they aren't attractive. Ye know?

I wouldn't expect a stunner obviously, but I wouldn't be content with just 'ignoring' their looks.

The rest I have no probs with. Just I don't have a particular feature that would work well in humor like a big nose or anything. I suppose my ears stick out a bit but not so much that anyone has ever commented. So I'm not sure how I could get that to work!

Also, did you mean that if my clothes wear sexual I wouldn't be posting here? Sorry, didn't really get that.

kjl

Girls notice nice clothes, Every time I'm out and dressed to the nines, girls notice, maybe its the vibe i send out, but they notice.

Nobody is saying that you HAVE to score mingers, but practice with a few if you catch my drift. Women are not as superficial as men, heavens sake, some of the prettiest girls I know are going out with some horrible looking men, that won them over with confidence, confidence you will get by getting you game up to speed. The only way to do that is to stay in your comfort zone for a while, if you are not attracted to the girl, what have you got to lose. You can talk to her about anything, be yourself, find you unique selling point, joke around.

I often have a little warm up with some of the hefty girls before I move on to the pretty ones. You would be supreised though, some of the girls you say your not attracted to can turn out to be the best ones.

There is no secret code words, or anything, the trick it to believe in yourself, Im probably not as good looking as I think I am, but my self belief makes up all the difference

Call Me Jimmy

kjl wrote: »

I often have a little warm up with some of the hefty girls before I move on to the pretty ones. You would be supreised though, some of the girls you say your not attracted to can turn out to be the best ones.

This is kinda the thing though. Think for a second about those hefty girls. Imagine how bad it would be to be someone's warm-up before they crack on to the better stuff (not having a go at all). If I'm the guy equivalent of those hefty girls, I'd rather stay in ye know?

kjl

Hey, they are also the same girls who hop me when there get a drink or two into them

DonkeyStyle \o/

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

What do ugly people do?

They become resentful and bitterly angry at the world.

Join a gym.
Nothing like a six pack and bulging pecs to draw attention away from the face.
Getting down on yourself and learning to cope with self-loathing is for chumps... 'rugged' is always an option if you're willing to work for it.
Knowing that you can defeat most other men in an arm wrestling contest brings a certain air of cool confidence in itself.

kittenkiller

If you've been living in a state where you've been covering up the mirrors in your house, I'd go visit a doctor as soon as possible.
This is not normal behaviour for anyone no matter how ugly they are!

Women rate confidence and a sense of humour over most other attributes in men.
If you're so self-conscious even at home, when you're out and about that'll come across to everyone you meet and decrease your chances of meeting someone special.

LegacyUser

i totally agree with the above. i have an absolutly gorgous sister and she has been going out with the most ugly man i ever saw i mean hes like a reptile and to add to it hes covered in spots with a neck full of boils BUT he has a body to die for six pack and is just so fit she even met him in the gym. if u take out your anger in the gym u will have no problem getting a girl.
i am a girl and i know that a man with a good body can make up for an ugly face.

Miss Fluff

While convincing yourself that you are ugly, you will have difficulty in attracting anyone, as you will reflect this in your behaviour and in how you interact with people. While being self-depricating can be an attractive trait in someone, having low self-esteem most definitely isn't my friend.

You need to work on building up your confidence and personally speaking, covering up mirrors in your house because you deem yourself THAT repulsive is not normal so you might like to think about talking to a professional.

I do also think that every day you should list ten things you like about your appearance. "I've nice eyes", "I've nice shoulders" etc and focus on them. It's all about working with what God gave you and making the most of it.

You'd be amazed but women aren't as obsessed with pulling a really good looking person the way blokes are. We don't need to validate ourselves or prove to our mates how hot we are based on the looks of the guy we are with.

Look at Harry in Sex and the City. He is small, bald and has a puggy little face and I don't know any woman who doesn't find him attractive because he is just such a great character in the programme.

Learn to love yourself OP (and you may need therapy to get you there) and other people will follow suit.:)

kjl

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Look at Harry in Sex and the City. He is small, bald and has a puggy little face and I don't know any woman who doesn't find him attractive because he is just such a great character in the programme.

You should see him in californication.

I would recommend the gym for your own well being, but don't join one with the sole intention of making yourself better at picking up women. You will find that you will become even more self conscience until you manage to build up the six pack.

I work out a lot, I do it because I love how I feel, not for the six pack. also Its not as easy as just going to the gym. You have to change you diet rapidly, six small meals a day, loads of water, no fat/oil/refined carbs. Its tough work. It take at a minimum of six months, six months where you will feel you have an excuse to not approach women.

TheBlock

Grow a beard ,Join a Gym, drink plenty of water, Look after your delph, Change your wardrobe. But most importantly work on your confidence. Don't always approach each encounter with the opposite sex as a possible pick up.

LegacyUser

Join the gym is useful but unless the OP is willing to become a bodybuilder type it wont be enough to overlook his face (and to get the actual over 17stone of muscle bodybuilder look will require illegal steroids so I wouldn't bother) Most girls dont like the bodybuilder look but you do get a few that go *crazy* for it.

I think your best option OP is to try make as much money as possible and be successful, girls will generally overlook a persons appearance if they are successful and wealthy. Its a different type of attractive feature

wylo

Op, some of the ugliest people in the world can get the nicest women in the world through one thing that women absolutely go nuts for, and thats confidence, the power of confidence still amazes me, the attraction it creates is shocking and is 100 times more powerful than looks (for women anyway, men dont respond to it quite the same).
So , ok, you've established your ugly, i don't know what you look like so im not gonna argue. So how do you deal with that you ask?
Work on your mind, if you can become ridiculously confident your face will not be the issue.

How do you work on your mind you ask? Well thats up to you, there's loads of things you can do, meditation, affirmations, hypnosis,councilors, read about confidence on the net, read about how to build confidence, read about the importance of it. There's endless free info on it. Then you'll stop doing stupid things like putting towels over your mirrors. You wont even care about your mirrors cause your looks wont be an issue.

And also going to the gym will always help, feeling healthier and having more energy can make you happier and hence less ugly.
That might sound a bit airy fairy but its very true.

opinion guy

Ok OP.

I also agree with kittenkiller that covering the mirrors in the house sounds extreme and you consider and should speak with GP/councillor


hmmm I think are others are letting you away this 'I'm ugly' thing too easily. How long have you felt this way ? Did something trigger these thoughts ? What features do you feel are 'ugly' ? What I'm asking essentially is - can you quantify this feeling, or is it just a vague ugly impression? Put words to it please (and I have reasons why i'm asking its not just morbid curiousity)

wylo wrote: »

(for women anyway, men dont respond to it quite the same).

Actually I don't know about this. I find true self-confidence very attractive in a woman, but rarely find ladies like that, and usually when I do they are in relationships already

Flipz4Rollz

Try to make your good points stand out.
-If you have longish hair,why not put highlights in it.Maybe a mullet or something.
-Maybe an ear-ring would suit you.
-If you have a good body, Start wearing t-shirts that emphasise more on it.
-Wear nice clothes that bring out your best features.

I'm ugly too but have a different outlook. Mine is more "Ahh fcuk it.Their's nothing I can do about it. At least i'm alive and healthy, Could be a lot worse".

I dont pull women either. I've had one girlfriend(Who was wayyyy out of my league) and been with about 2 others in the last 9 Months. I was only with the other 2 because we were both drunk.

When me and my girlfriend broke up I asked her why she was with me in the first place? She said it was because "I was different to the rest of them"

Pretty women do not always go for the cream of the crop...;)

Also when you're drunk the beer goggles come out so even if you're getting with a minger you'll think she's hot anyway so whats the difference?:D

Bottle_of_Smoke

n66 wrote: »

Join the gym is useful but unless the OP is willing to become a bodybuilder type it wont be enough to overlook his face (and to get the actual over 17stone of muscle bodybuilder look will require illegal steroids so I wouldn't bother) Most girls dont like the bodybuilder look but you do get a few that go *crazy* for it.

I think your best option OP is to try make as much money as possible and be successful, girls will generally overlook a persons appearance if they are successful and wealthy. Its a different type of attractive feature

That's a warped view. There's a lot of attractive stages between out of shape and bodybuilder!

I'm not ugly but I do find I do a hell of a lot better with women when I've been to the gym regularly

Call Me Jimmy

opinion guy wrote: »

Ok OP.


hmmm I think are others are letting you away this 'I'm ugly' thing too easily. How long have you felt this way ? Did something trigger these thoughts ? What features do you feel are 'ugly' ? What I'm asking essentially is - can you quantify this feeling, or is it just a vague ugly impression? Put words to it please (and I have reasons why i'm asking its not just morbid curiousity)

There isn't really one feature, i'm just one of those people who ye wudn't point out as ugly in a shocking way like quassimoto (sp) I'm one of those that would be very hard to be interested in because I amn't nice to look at if ye get me? The feeling is quite fatalistic, like this is what I'm stuck with so unless I can learn to accept it life will continue to get worse. At the moment I'm in a position where I can't accept it, I refuse to. Stupidly, I feel like I'm too important to be unattractive.

I completely understand the importance of confidence and there are brief moments where I think "**** it, be confident and girls will like ye" but these moments pass as quickly as they come. When I think about it, I think of being in a relationship with a girl I've managed to get with due to confidence and I think "when we are just sitting around, and she's looking at me she's still going to see what I see, she's still not going to 'fancy' me".

I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person, and the way I feel is "why me" and "ok fine, if I'm ugly then **** everyone else, I'm not gonna go out and make a fool of myself".

One big thing for me is the idea of delusion. When I'm out, acting confident and others see this and think "what's he got to be confident about"... I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but unfortunately I think these things too.

I'm kinda in a make or break situation here. I don't know what to do.

cafecolour

Off the top of my head - have you ever seen say Celine Dion's husband? She basically married her older, fatter, uglier manager.

Or Christina Aguilera's husband? He's a very dorky looking guy. Just some marketing guy at her label even, not even powerful or rich (she would have had far more money and sway then him when they met).

Women will fall for uglier men. It happens all the time. It's not going to happen on a club floor, of course, where looks and style are paramount. But it can certainly happen through a social circle or with people you know.

Beruthiel

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

I completely understand the importance of confidence and there are brief moments where I think "**** it, be confident and girls will like ye" but these moments pass as quickly as they come.

Because you have yet to believe that you are fantastic and a real catch.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_QKwwR3v3bcA/SjWeIaWlcXI/AAAAAAAAEDY/zg92Gu2Lkag/s400/ari+and+jackie6-14-2009+5-44-36+PM.png

A prime example - Ari and jackie Onassis - Jackie, a stunning woman, Ari, nothing to write home about, but clearly a powerful, strong, magnetic man.

I assure you that charm and humour will get you a long, long way with most women.
However, you have got to believe to the very depths of your soul that you are a charming, confident and fun guy to be with.

Find out where you can do an Assertiveness Course, it may be of help to you.

metrovelvet

^ Ahem. Ari was very wealthy. You have to make up in status what you dont have in looks.

neuro-praxis

If it's any consolation, everyone gets ugly when they get old. There's more to life than your face. Ever considered that you might have BDD?

For the record, I don't think I know anyone who I'd consider ugly. There are people who don't take care of their appearance, yes (poor hygiene, bad haircut, ill-fitting or age-inappropriate clothes, yellow teeth, over/underweight) but there's pretty much no one I know who couldn't look good in their youth with a bit of work.

Join a gym, see a stylist, learn to like yourself.

winking weber

I have to say you're not in the worst position in the world. Men can do an awful lot to make themselves more attractive, as appearance is far less important in the mating game for men than it is for women.

I'm not sure about the whole 'joining a gym' thing. Keeping in shape is important but you shouldnt need to lift weights. Cultivate hobbies and interests. Nothing sexier than a man with a passion. Also work at your career. Success and drive is also very attractive.
Get a girlfriend to take you shopping too and buy some good quality clothing.

Regardless of basic appearance, a confident well-dressed man, with interesting hobbies, a good career and a nice network of friends is very very attractive.

scanlas

One of the biggest delusions of our time is that you need looks, money or social status to pull hot women, I'd put it in the same bracket as the delusion in God. If you have a lemming personality then those attrubutes are very important, but otherwise they don't matter much.

The traits that are important are assertiveness, decisiveness, being fulfilled, core confidence ( as opposed to situational confidence), strength of reality, seeing the world through your own eyes and unreactiveness. When you have these qualities you can't not have a good sense of humour to women.

metrovelvet

I think this could be a disorder like dismorphia. Maybe seek professional advice?

Covering the mirrors is one of the classic signs.

ohohoh

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

When I'm out, acting confident and others see this and think "what's he got to be confident about"... I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but unfortunately I think these things too.

Why don't you do something to warrent feeling great about yourself? Look into something like thai boxing, or start training for a triathalon. If you have a fit body you might feel better when you look in the mirror and you will well deserve the nice feeling of genuine confidence when you see your hard work pay off

And btw when you get older, looks become much less important and qualities such as competence, honesty and integrity are what become attractive.

Make some changes and look forward to your future life.

scanlas

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

There isn't really one feature, i'm just one of those people who ye wudn't point out as ugly in a shocking way like quassimoto (sp) I'm one of those that would be very hard to be interested in because I amn't nice to look at if ye get me? The feeling is quite fatalistic, like this is what I'm stuck with so unless I can learn to accept it life will continue to get worse. At the moment I'm in a position where I can't accept it, I refuse to. Stupidly, I feel like I'm too important to be unattractive.

I completely understand the importance of confidence and there are brief moments where I think "**** it, be confident and girls will like ye" but these moments pass as quickly as they come. When I think about it, I think of being in a relationship with a girl I've managed to get with due to confidence and I think "when we are just sitting around, and she's looking at me she's still going to see what I see, she's still not going to 'fancy' me".

I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person, and the way I feel is "why me" and "ok fine, if I'm ugly then **** everyone else, I'm not gonna go out and make a fool of myself".

One big thing for me is the idea of delusion. When I'm out, acting confident and others see this and think "what's he got to be confident about"... I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but unfortunately I think these things too.

I'm kinda in a make or break situation here. I don't know what to do.

You don't need a reason to be confident. Why should you need a reason to behave the way you really want to. The only thing stopping you doing what you want and behaving the way you want to is you. I have yet to come across the confidence police checking to make sure all the confident people have reasons to be confident.

wylo

exactly, you must have a ridiculously low self esteem if your at a point where your thinking that people would be questioning why your confident.
I wouldnt be surprised if your looks werent even that bad.

I suggest start off with meditation. I often recommend it on here and I feel like a broken record, but thats because Im convinced that people see that word and go "meh, whats that to do with confidence"
Read up about it, you dont have to be interested in any of this buddhism, enlightenment, at one with nature banter, just plain meditation , it clears your thoughts and boosts your self esteem. It stops you from telling yourself negative things that arent even true. It requires effort though, but the result if done right is a natural real confidence not you trying to put on an act in a nightclub yet still sh1tting it because you think your ugly.
And most importantly, its free.

TheCandystripes

dude have you ever seen the girls that you probably consider attractive in real life without makeup? come on we're irish like. the girls are nothing special.

Minxie123

kjl wrote: »

I often have a little warm up with some of the hefty girls before I move on to the pretty ones.

This comment disgusts me.

RossFixxxed

Minxie123 wrote: »

This comment disgusts me.

And it's mired, itself, in immaturity and insecurity. This kind of over compenstion is what you want to avoid also OP.

Look it'll take time. What it seems to me here is something that happens everyone, but taken to a more extreme level. That is what worries me a little and makes me think you should see someone. A lot of mental issues are exactly this, we all wonder if we locked the door just not 2000 times a day etc.. Only this morning i got told i look 'dire' by my HR manager (I've been off sick) and I have days where i look in the mirror and think YARRRGH! But I have days I think hey good looking, what are you up to later

OP I think talking to someone is step one. And you can take steps to improve your appearance that ARE NOT DRASTIC. Exercise, use something on your skin, get a nice haircut, some better fitted/smarter clothes.

If there is ONE thing that is really attractive in anyone it is a friendly, genuine smile. Seriouisly, you don't see that many about lately.

Go to the doctor first man, this is definitely not right, and it CAN be fixed. It's onkly when you break the back of it you can look back and say wow that wasn't good, thank god I went and got it sorted.

Keep in touch, and take it easy on yourself. You deserve much better and if you take steps every day you'll begin to get better. r

miec

Hi Op

I am guessing that you are relatively young, and I am not going to argue against your assertion that you are ugly, the reason being is because for many, many years I thought I was hideously ulgy too. I never, ever looked in the mirror. I had developed the technique of cleaning my teeth or brushing my hair without looking in the mirror properly (I am female), so I know that this belief is very powerful.

I am much older and I no longer believe I am ugly, I can now look in the mirror and say that is a nice face, occasionally I even feel beauitful. Women's toilets used to freak me out, I would see loads of women looking at themselves in the mirror, fluffing their hair etc, etc and I felt a freak because I could not do the same, I still struggle with that one. The thing is your image of yourself is very powerful. You sincerely believe you are ugly so that is the first block and going to the gym, acting confident etc is not going to change what you are experiencing on the inside. So I won't offer that advice, for me it was useless.

I will start by saying that you come across as a decent, sound and intelligent man

This is kinda the thing though. Think for a second about those hefty girls. Imagine how bad it would be to be someone's warm-up before they crack on to the better stuff (not having a go at all). If I'm the guy equivalent of those hefty girls, I'd rather stay in ye know?

I am so glad you said that because you have the intelligence and sensitivity to see both sides and that in itself is attractive. But this does not alter the fact that you feel ugly

The feeling is quite fatalistic, like this is what I'm stuck with so unless I can learn to accept it life will continue to get worse. At the moment I'm in a position where I can't accept it, I refuse to. Stupidly, I feel like I'm too important to be unattractive.

One big thing for me is the idea of delusion. When I'm out, acting confident and others see this and think "what's he got to be confident about"... I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but unfortunately I think these things too.

I'm kinda in a make or break situation here. I don't know what to do.

The fact that you have the intelligence to see that you are aware that you cannot accept yourself as you are for me signals hope for your future. The thing is you are right, you have no choice but to accept your face, okay you could get plastic surgery etc, but something tells me that your feeling of ugliness goes far beyond your physical face. The fact is you are stuck with your face, you cannot rip it off. The thing is right now you refuse to accept this fact, but give it time and you will.

When I was a teenager and younger woman, I felt very ugly inside and outside, as such I didn't care for my appearance, I reckoned I wasn't worth it, I was too ugly. I needed to work on myself emotionally in order to accept myself physically and I believe that is what you need. Personally I would ask yourself why do you feel ugly, have you always felt ugly, do you feel apart from everyone, if so, why? Have you any idea what contributed to this? Okay I am going to get Freudian on your arse now, but did your family make you feel loved, cared for or special, were you teased and bullied about your looks, if so, did you shove it away only for it to come back at you now in a greater way?

Scanlas is right when he says

[FONT=&quot]The traits that are important are assertiveness, decisiveness, being fulfilled, core confidence ( as opposed to situational confidence), strength of reality, seeing the world through your own eyes and unreactiveness. When you have these qualities you can't not have a good sense of humour to women

But how do you get there, well for me I needed therapy and a lot of it, this may not be the case for you, but it helped me. Wylo also gives some excellent advice, meditation does really help. Maybe for now you need to sit with this feeling of ugliness and work to accept it because at the end of the day you have to live with yourself for life, you need to develop a loving relationship with yourself and if that means truly (internally) accepting your ugliness then that is what you have to do. I hope though that you will see someday that you have a very attractive personality (which is much more enduring), and that you can see you are an intelligent, thoughtful, nice man and those are extremely attractive to women have some depth and intelligence to them.
Good luck Op
[/FONT]

Wibbs

scanlas wrote: »

You don't need a reason to be confident. Why should you need a reason to behave the way you really want to. The only thing stopping you doing what you want and behaving the way you want to is you. I have yet to come across the confidence police checking to make sure all the confident people have reasons to be confident.

QFT

Call Me Jimmy

miec wrote: »

Hi Op
I am much older and I no longer believe I am ugly, I can now look in the mirror and say that is a nice face, occasionally I even feel beautiful. Womens toilets used to freak me out, I would see loads of women looking at themselves in the mirror, fluffing their hair etc, etc and I felt a freak because I could not do the same, I still struggle with that one.

Yea the toilets in college are a nightmare, bright lights AND mirrors? My friend always checks himself out but I have to physically keep me head down and look at the sink while I'm washing my hands. Can I ask roughly what age you were when your outlook began to change? I understand that the number isn't important moreso the level of maturity but the nature of my problem makes it feel like it's hard for me to mature. How inhibited were you by your feeling of ugliness? I'd say I'm almost completely inhibited at this point.

miec wrote: »

I am so glad you said that because you have the intelligence and sensitivity to see both sides and that in itself is attractive. But this does not alter the fact that you feel ugly
Personally I would ask yourself why do you feel ugly, have you always felt ugly, do you feel apart from everyone, if so, why? Have you any idea what contributed to this? Okay I am going to get Freudian on your arse now, but did your family make you feel loved, cared for or special, were you teased and bullied about your looks, if so, did you shove it away only for it to come back at you now in a greater way?

I have asked myself these questions a thousand times and the answer is always in the mirror. I don't feel ugly for any other reason than self-awareness. When I see other people who aren't attractive, I think the only reason they don't feel like me is that they have misguided hope from a lack of self-awareness.

No, thankfully I was never bullied for my looks - but through life experience the fact that they are never mentioned in any way at all, or that in school (the most superficial time in your life) girls weren't interested in me at all - I learned that I was just one of those people who aren't attractive. An important thing I haven't mentioned yet because I feel like it's irrelevant now is when I was younger (up until maybe 13 or 14) I was a cocky little ****er. What changed? Initially as I said, I noticed that girls were interested in other guys and I began to think "maybe I have it all wrong". Since my late teens though, I feel like I have physically changed and am definitely a lot uglier.

miec wrote: »

But how do you get there, well for me I needed therapy and a lot of it, this may not be the case for you, but it helped me. Wylo also gives some excellent advice, meditation does really help. Maybe for now you need to sit with this feeling of ugliness and work to accept it because at the end of the day you have to live with yourself for life, you need to develop a loving relationship with yourself and if that means truly (internally) accepting your ugliness then that is what you have to do. I hope though that you will see someday that you have a very attractive personality (which is much more enduring), and that you can see you are an intelligent, thoughtful, nice man and those are extremely attractive to women have some depth and intelligence to them.
Good luck Op
[/FONT]

I have been to therapy, but unfortunately, the underlying feeling of self-importance has meant that even though I attempted it, it seemed to be more geared towards someone who is ready to change. I wasn't ready to change in the sense that, I knew therapy wouldn't change my looks and people would still see the same thing I see in the mirror after therapy.

I am going to try meditation because my whole body is literally twisted with tension. I can't concentrate on anything but my physical appearance. I sit at the computer 'correcting' my jaw, cheeks, mouth and nose because they are asymmetrical. My forehead is in pain the whole time from tension. I am very open to meditation and just need to actually sit down and do it. I think it will relieve much of these problems and hopefully will give me a fighting chance at being able to function.

Thanks for all the replies so far, from the outside looking in it may seem like a very self-indulgent thread but the reason I don't bother talking to family or friends about it anymore is because it seems like attention-seeking. On the internet I don't mind so much if people think that.

miec

Can I ask roughly what age you were when your outlook began to change? I understand that the number isn't important moreso the level of maturity but the nature of my problem makes it feel like it's hard for me to mature. How inhibited were you by your feeling of ugliness?

I'm afraid you might be dissapointed by my answer, but only in the last few years, I'm 38 now, so around 35. I wish I could lie but it is useless. When I was a teenager to late teens if I got asked out I was convinced they were taking the piss so I stood them up. One incidence was a guy who lived near me, we chatted often and as I thought he was way out of my league and could never fancy me, I felt safe enough to be his friend. One day he asked me to see a hypnotist show, I said yes in shock and didn't turn up. When I saw him the next day, he was angry at me for not turning up and asked me why I didn't turn up, I said nothing but shrugged my shoulders. I couldn't say anything but inside I thought he was taking the piss, I didn't think he would actually meet me or that he could like me. Looking back now with my mature eyes I can see he was really attracted me and he was hurt by my response, I lost a nice friend and a potentially nice boyfriend. That is one example. Thereafter I never felt good enough to meet nice men, so attracted cruel and nasty men who mirrorerd my feelings of ugliness. See the thing is I was wrong about being ugly but because I felt ugly that is what I attracted.

I have been to therapy, but unfortunately, the underlying feeling of self-importance has meant that even though I attempted it, it seemed to be more geared towards someone who is ready to change. I wasn't ready to change in the sense that, I knew therapy wouldn't change my looks and people would still see the same thing I see in the mirror after therapy.

That is a very honest answer but when you say 'the underlying feeling of self-importance..' do you mean that inside you feel you are too special or important to be ugly?

Therapy won't change what you look like on the outside but it will change how you perceive your face, that is the difference. Im my experience there is no other way of getting around it and even plastic surgery won't change it because at the end of the day your problem is internal, yes you see you have a plain face, one that is passed by, but you sound, if I may say this, almost outraged and disgusted that you are bypassed, as in 'how dare this happen to me' and you have focused that sense of injustice onto your face. Your face is your face, end of, but the you inside, that is the part that can change. I hope this does not come across as a criticism, it is not intended to be, because I admire your honesty, but if you feel a sense of injustice at being given an ugly face and a sense of over importance inside, it is that you need to work on. If people pass you by, then you need to go to them, show them what they are missing, but you can only do this when you can balance out the conflict you have inside.

Whilst it took me a very long time to shift my view of myself as ugly to quite pretty, occasionally beautiful, it is worth noting I grew up in an age where people were not as self aware as they are today nor could we share our thoughts on the internet, I just lived with the weirdness for a long time, I believe and hope you will make that shift in a much shorter time period.

Can I ask one final question, what happens if you cannot accept your face?

Call Me Jimmy

miec wrote: »

That is a very honest answer but when you say 'the underlying feeling of self-importance..' do you mean that inside you feel you are too special or important to be ugly?

Well yeah. I can't lie about that, it's definitely how I feel.

miec wrote: »

if I may say this, almost outraged and disgusted that you are bypassed, as in 'how dare this happen to me' and you have focused that sense of injustice onto your face.

Exactly, it is the sense of injustice that kills me the most. 'How dare this happen to me' is very accurate.

miec wrote: »

Can I ask one final question, what happens if you cannot accept your face?

I spend the rest of my life in complete isolation. Don't mean to sound dramatic, but it's true. Today being one of the worse days where I just have an overall feeling of frustration and anger, mixed in with a bit of hopelessness. On days like today, the good advice from people on here doesn't even matter because I just can't believe this is happening to me.

opinion guy

Well i'm not at all convinced that you are actually as ugly as you think you are. Can i ask you thou - how are things otherwise ? Have you had any health issues since all this began ? What about other sources of stress ?

Call Me Jimmy

No other sources of stress or health issues, no. Can I ask, what is it from reading my posts that makes you think I'm not as bad as I think?

miec

I spend the rest of my life in complete isolation. Don't mean to sound dramatic, but it's true. Today being one of the worse days where I just have an overall feeling of frustration and anger, mixed in with a bit of hopelessness. On days like today, the good advice from people on here doesn't even matter because I just can't believe this is happening to me

Thank you for being straight about it, I don't think you are being dramatic, you are expressing openly what is going on inside of you. I know what you mean when you feel bad inside that nothing whatsoever anyone else says can make a difference. I can only empathise but the thing is do you really really want to spend your life in isolation? That is a horrible existence, surely you deserve better than that.

I don't know how you can move from the sense of injustice to saying okay this is my face, move on and show people my inner beauty (ie: intelligence, humour etc). I hope someday you can, I know that we live in a looks obsessed society and this could be contributing to your misery as well. I hope you find a way through this because life is a gift (sorry to get all hippie on you) but it is, life is also **** too, but if you hide away, life is just mediocre and one thing I have learned is that I take the bad feelings and hard aspects of life and go along with it because I also get immense joy and a life full of adventure, liveliness and so forth. I hope someday you will decide that too.

LadyJ

Flipz4Rollz wrote: »

Maybe a mullet or something.
-Maybe an ear-ring would suit you.

For the love of God, do NOT under any circumstances do either of these things.

If you have a good body, Start wearing t-shirts that emphasise more on it.

Now you're a guy with a mullet and an earring who wears wife-beaters. This probably won't help your dilemma.

I agree that you should speak to a therapist. Covering up mirrors is going way past the low self-esteem mark.

I don't think that I'm ugly but there are days when I do get extremely down about how I look, for whatever reason. On those days, the best thing I can do for myself is get up, have a shower, do myself up (hair, make-up etc.) and wear something that compliments all of my features.

Today I got my hair done in a salon and I feel great because it looks fantastic.

I know that make-up probably isn't an option for you but do go to a good hairdresser next time you have some cash and ask them what they think might suit you. Then just let them go for it and see what you think. Find at least one thing about yourself that you can feel good about.

Also, and I know that it's your physicality that you're talking about BUT, the thing that has been giving me the most confidence lately is the fact that I'm doing really well at college and my work experience is going incredibly well. Before last year I was a lot more focused on my looks because I felt like I was wasting my life. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do and I had nothing interesting to say to anyone because I was working in crappy jobs and doing nothing that I enjoyed.

Now, I feel like I am actually doing something that I am good at and insightful about. I feel good about myself and I can go places without having to always wear make-up. I feel whole and I feel human.

Your problem runs a lot deeper than mine, I realise that but think about what I've said and consider whether you are happy with other aspects of your life. It is a lot easier to talk to people when you feel like you are interesting and worthwhile. I would hate to feel ugly but I think if I had to choose I'd much rather be interesting than stunning.

So I guess my advice is to try to feel good about who you are and do what you can with the rest.