My brother has become a bully at home

CamillaRhodes

Hi all. Not really sure what advice I'm looking for here, maybe just need to get it off my chest, as I'm not sure there's much I can do other than trying very hard to bite my lip.

I'm 29 and have just moved back to my family home, having returned from living overseas for the past 4 years and haven't got a job yet. It's not an ideal scenario, I know I'm well old enough to have my own place - I first moved out of home at 19 and have only been back for very short periods in the past, and it's always been fine. My parents have said they're happy to have me back, for the time being at least til I get a job and get back on my feet.

The problem is my brother, who is 25. He's still living at home, and has always been. We never got on particularly well as kids, the usual sibling rivalry stuff, but not really too badly in the last years since I've been away from home. We weren't close while I was away, however.

Anyway, since I've been back (a month) he seems to have changed from the lad I used to know. He joined the Gardai a couple of years ago, I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but it had always been his dream to be a cop and I thought it would be good for him.

He seems to have become very bullying and aggressive, on very mundane general household issues, the sort of thing that people sharing a house might have a hard word with each other, but now he's throwing a complete fit, really getting up in your face (and he's a big strong guy, 6 ft 3 and well built, it can be a bit intimidating).

Today we were having Sunday lunch together as a family, something we haven't done in a long time. It was all going really nicely, then my brother starts making derogatory comments about people from a particular ethnic background, and it so happens my boyfriend is from the same ethnic background. Now, my parents would NEVER have brought either of us up to be remotely racist or xenophobic, and I just couldn't believe what I was hearing coming from my brother's mouth. I challenged him on it - calmly - and his response was the usual anger fit, shouting etc. Neither of my parents said a word. I tried hard to choke back tears and told him I wouldn't argue about it. But it really, really upset me.

I don't know where my baby brother has gone to, that he seems to have turned into this bigoted bully. I also don't understand why the hell my parents let him away with it, but they do. I don't think it's my place to challenge them on it, though, since it's their home and I'm basically lucky to be here, so it's their rules.

I just find it so upsetting. It's hard to be in the house when he's here, I hear him pass by the door of the room I'm in and I'm holding my breath, wondering if he's gonna come in and launch in to me about something or other.

I know I shouldn't react to him, and I'm trying not to. But it's really hard to live here and not have to take some action.

For example, he keeps padlocking a door which I need to be able to get through (a side door on the house). He insists that it be kept padlocked, because he's a Gard and he knows what scumbags get up to, blah blah blah. But I need to get through this side door while I'm here during the day, and I don't think I should always be going to him asking him to unlock the door, especially if I need to get through when he's not here! I suggested moving the bolt so that it could be locked from the inside and I could unlock it myself (sorry, it's a slightly complicated lock situation) but his response is that this is the way it's been for 5 years, and who am I to come back and announce I'm going to change things. He installed the lock, it's staying. End of.

God, he makes my blood boil. Anyway, as I say, I'm not sure there's much I can do about it other than trying to bite my lip, it's my parents' house, yadda yadda. But at the same time I feel I have as much a right to live here as my brother does, and I don't see why I should be living under his martial law. Thanks for listening, feel a bit better having typed this.

badabinbadaboom

The fact that your brother is a gaurd is worrying.
If he has only become like this since he started his career, than I would'nt rule this out.
I am not saying that he became a gaurd and is now automatically acting like an asshole because that would be a retarded thing to believe.
However I would guess he is having trouble switching off from his job.
If everyday he has to go into work and take horrific amounts of abuse and potential violence then it could be affecting him.
A gaurd would need to be confrontational and stubborn to do his job and perhaps he doesnt know how to drop the attidude when he leaves work.
Essentially I would say he is bringing his work home with him. He may have had a run in with someone of the same ethnic background as your boyfriend and simply needed to vent. Its possible that he doesnt really believe the things he was saying but they were appropriate to his mindset at the time.

However this is no excuse for his behaviour.

Sitting down and talking to him is clearly not an option and this is a form of domestic abuse.

However, perhaps your parents could have a word with him. He may feel that it is OK to speak to you in this manner as you are not exactly the head of the household. It may be a different story when your parents are involved. If he behaves like this with your parents then something is seriously amiss.
I would not feel intimidated. Easier said than done, but the Gardai would take a seriously dim view of any member who was involved in domestic violence.

On the other hand his behavior sounds almost exactly like that of an addict of some sort.

But anyway, there is no point in YOU trying to reason with him or suggest any kind of help. He definitely wont listen and it will only escalate the situation.
I don't really know what to suggest to be honest, maybe you should speak to the Guards yourself.
Its not right OP and he should really have more cop on than this.

leggo

It sounds like it could be a combination of things: perhaps its the people he is mixing with...be it in work, socially etc. Or perhaps he could even resent your returning home where he's been the only child for so long. Spoiled brat syndrome, if you will.

Is it just the two of you or do you have any other siblings? The latter might sound ridiculous for a person his age...but it's completely possible, especially if he's the younger sibling. These things are deep rooted in us and can surface when we are unable to communicate or assert ourselves properly.

With bullies, the best bet is to confront them. At least that way they are forced to deal with the problem and it gets it out in the open. Some might tell you to sit him down for a quiet chat...but I don't believe that solves anything. He likely believes that he's doing nothing wrong already so it won't make a difference.

Instead, confront him the next time he starts acting up like this.

You sound like a very respectful and tolerant person. But don't let that tolerance deny you basic human rights. Stand up for yourself. You have EVERY right to. By the sounds of things...thank god...he doesn't sound violent, so what can he do if you do so?

If this method doesn't work (and it's likely it won't...this is just one way to highlight the problem, then deal with it down the line), then have a quiet word with one or both of your parents. Whichever one you can relate to and confide in. Ask them if they've noticed any changes in him or how he treats you. Tell them what you've told us: including that you don't want to create an issue and feel lucky that they let you live under their roof. Let them know that you've been trying not to make an issue of it in the hope that it goes away...but it's something that you can no longer cope with.

But if it's getting to a stage where you need to vent about it on boards and ask for help (and I commend you for that), then it's a serious enough problem. So you have every right to do all of the above.

thefeatheredcat

Is he aggressive that way towards only you or your parents too?

If it's seen as a normal behaviour in that house all the time, it may have been something that evolved over time and became accepted. When you're an outsider looking in the perception is always going to be different than what the insiders see. If it's an ongoing behaviour it can also be him exerting his dominance over his parents if they are willing to accept what could be seen as inappropriate behaviour.

If his behaviour is specific or worse towards you then he probably feels threatened of your arrival and defending his territory.

It could have something to do with his job, or perhaps something happened at home/to him/your parents in the years you lived away that you are not privy to.

Talk to your parents about it - they may not even think anything of it themselves, and might be surprised at your mentioning it. They may not even realise his behaviour is bad in any way. Beware, you could be seeing as the one stirring up trouble or addressing a situation that they are in denial about. They may also not like it but tolerate it for the fact that he's a guard and probably feel more protected having him around, especially if you folks are in their more mature years.

I don't think you can do much about it other than confront your folks/brother on the issue. Be prepared to move out should you feel that its the only way forward for you.

Calibos

You need to understand that your bro ranting about Roma is not insulting to your Romanian boyfriend. Once again it must be said, that they are not the same thing. Ask your BF what he thinks about Roma.

..........did I guess right?

CamillaRhodes

Hi everyone, thanks for your detailed replies, some are really helpful.

badabinbadaboom wrote: »

A gaurd would need to be confrontational and stubborn to do his job and perhaps he doesnt know how to drop the attidude when he leaves work.
Essentially I would say he is bringing his work home with him.

...

However, perhaps your parents could have a word with him. He may feel that it is OK to speak to you in this manner as you are not exactly the head of the household. It may be a different story when your parents are involved. If he behaves like this with your parents then something is seriously amiss.

The more I think about it, I think your first suggestion there may have hit the nail on the head. He's very ambitious and is trying very hard, I know. It would make sense, I guess, that he is having trouble switching off from 'garda' mode when he comes home. (That said, I find it a shame that most gardai feel the need to be confrontational and stubborn, but that's another day's debate which I won't get into here).

The problem is, he's being this way with my parents too. I spoke to my mum about it last night, briefly, and she got really upset, was close to tears. I don't remember ever seeing my mum like this before. My dad is just all about avoidance, he doesn't "do" discussions of emotional behaviour and that sort of thing.

I was thinking of maybe writing my bro a letter, a kind one, saying that I don't want there to be tension in the house between us, and that we have to find a workable solution to make life easier for everyone, and suggesting that maybe it is as you describe, that he's having trouble switching off from work. He doesn't really have any hobbies, like sports or whatever, he just has work and then he'll go out for a few pints with mates (who, increasingly, are work mates rather than his old mates, but I guess this is the same with anyone).

I also think the other suggestions about it being territorial / spoiled brat syndrome may also be on the money. This, on the other hand, I have no sympathy for. My bro has had every opportunity I've had, and has chosen to live at home until this age while I've been out taking care of myself. I need a bit of help right now while I try to find a job - I feel absolutely entitled to be in the house (as long as my folks are cool with it) and will not tolerate such childishness from my brother. But i don't think confronting him on this will achieve anything - I know telling someone "You're behaving like a spoilt brat" is rarely gonna achieve a response which says "yeah, you're right, sorry". So, I guess I just have to acknowledge this and try to find a workaround whereby he isn't so threatened by my presence that he needs to be aggressive.

Finally, Calibos

You need to understand that your bro ranting about Roma is not insulting to your Romanian boyfriend. Once again it must be said, that they are not the same thing. Ask your BF what he thinks about Roma.

..........did I guess right?

What is it any of your business what ethnicity my boyfriend is? This does not come into the equation. Would I need to 'understand' if my bro was ranting about black people, or chinese people? What if I'm English and my bro was ranting about thieving Irish?

As it happens, you are wrong, my boyfriend is neither Roma nor Romanian - you know the difference, right? I have many Roma friends, however, having worked with the community for many years not in Romania.

My boyfriend is another ethnicity, but I am shocked and disgusted that you would seek to find out what it is so as to justify casting aspersions on the Roma community, or any ethnic group.

I believe making generalisations about any ethnic group in society is unacceptable, and am always shocked that Irish people, having been the victims of "no dogs, no blacks, no irish" for so long, have so quickly become the perpetrators.