Mess

LegacyUser

I know it's not a big issue in comparison to others and people come here to ask for advice on much more serious issues but it's slowly driving me mad!

My bf and I are together about 3 years. We are renting a small apartment. The problem is he is such a mess! He is unemployed and spends most of his time at home. And by the looks of it all he does is using his laptop to browse and kitchen to get food/drink. Whatever he is doing he leaves a mess behind him - dirty clothes, dishes, etc. He almost never cleans after himself. I work 8 hours shift and spend another 1,5 commuting and don't really feel like cleaning up after I get home(which would probably take at least another hour). He does cook but I don't really see it as a good excuse. And I don't expect for the house to be spotless every day but bringing empty dishes to the kitchen, putting rubbish into bin is not something unreasonable to ask, isn't it?
I had several conversations with him, thought he understood. Last week we had unexpected visit from our neighbours and I was so ashamed! The place looked like after a disaster happened.
This is not a reason to leave somebody - not for me at least and I knew he had issues with cleaning but naively(?) thought he would change or at least try harder. I'm not a saint myself so I only ask him to do small things and again somewhat naively hope that he will do more. I'm just not getting any support from him.
I tried some of those psychological 'tricks' like telling him how happy I am that he cleaned up, how well he did it and so on but I'm tired of communicating with an adult person that way. He is not a child and I don't ask for a miracle - just to help me out a little. Also he gets very defensive when I try to talk to him about it. He is all excuses like I cooked you a dinner or washed the dishes yesterday or I'll do it later(which he rarely does). Sometimes I'm just sick and tired of it all. And spend part of the weekend doing the cleaning myself.

If someone was in similar position and was able to change/influence another person please please tell me what you did!

krudler

Tell him to cop on and start making use of the time he has during the day to help you out, I ouldnt want to come home to a filthy house after a days work and find my OH sitting on her arse if she had nothing else to do and was the cause of the mess, you're not his mother he should be enough of an adult to be able to clean up after himself, its not that hard

kelle

You're a very tolerant person.

I'm sorry, but this has been bred into him by his mother and it's going to be impossible to change him. If you stay with him and have children, you will have double the mess. Having grown up in filth most of my life and not being able to do anything about it, I would not volunteer the rest of my life to a man who doesn't give a toss about the state the house is in!

LegacyUser

tbh, the exact same issue was a huge issue in my last relationship. i too tried different approaches and it got to the point that even if i asked in the nicest possible way, i was accused of nagging. and he became quite angry even if i just mentioned it, even if i wasn't asking him to do anything.

it was one thing that contributed hugely to our recent breakup. i'm not a clean freak either but i didn't want to be the only one who did any housework, and by that i mean even as far as moving his dirty dishes from the sitting room to the dishwasher, or putting a biscuit wrapper in the bin hours after the contents have been eaten!

if you're in the zone in this relationship where you're thinking about your future/marriage/kids then you need to consider this behaviour as the norm that will continue forever more and decide what do do based on that. in my case, i had to ask myself if i wanted to be responsible for me, the house, my partner, the dog AND any kids that come along.
and the answer was no.

i know that nobody is perfect, but if your partner isn't even willing to talk about it and make an effort to share the work, then your issue is more than just about the housework i'm afraid...

thefeatheredcat

Has he always been messy or is this a change in behaviour since becoming unemployed?

You obviously take pride in a clean house. He doesn't. If it's a recent behaviour it could be lack of self esteem from not working and may not see the point.

Living with a messy housemate is tolerable if they do make efforts, but this isn't your housemate, it's your boyfriend and they should respect themselves, you and the living environment more.

You're not his mother or his maid or a housemaid chained to the kitchen sink. You shouldn't have to nag him into cleaning it.

It may not be a deal breaker now, but if you get unhappier with the situation, it could end up being.

TBH if I came home from a hard days work and was expected to clean/take care/mammy the boyfriend who wasn't capable of doing a tap himself he'd be out the door if we couldn't agree on equality in a relationship. If I came home to that everyday personally I'd feel taken advantage of.