BUFFALONIANS

54321Dave

~ Buffalonians ~

I lived for many years in Buffalo, NY. I went to high school there, ate chicken wings there, suffered through Sabres / Bills fandom, and shoveled maybe three metric tons of snow there.

More importantly, I wore Zubaz without irony. Walked miles and miles of desolate train tracks, dodging arrows fired from bow-toting metal heads hiding in the weeds. Drank Labatt’s Blues for $2 at the Old Pink ’til 4 in the morning.

Another guy from Buffalo is Vincent Gallo. He went to St. Joseph’s Catholic Themed Collegiate Institute, right down the street from my boyhood home. Young Vince left the B-Lo and ended up in NYC doing things. He made a movie featuring Ruff Buff. You may have heard about it.

Anyway, Vincenzo decided to premiere this movie in Buffalo — hilarious. The venue of choice was the North Park Theater, this grand old crumbling and hollow place. There’s a stage, rickety old seats, and a mural painted on the dome set into the ceiling. It’s a beautiful old artifact.

The day of the premiere is huge for North Buffalo. Press is there. The whole neighborhood is out, lining Hertel Avenue in lawn chairs, watching celebrities pull up in limos. But no one knew what the hell was going on. No one on Hertel Avenue had heard of this skinny underwear model.

I was around 17, working as a waiter at a little coffee shop / cafe next door to the theater. I stepped outside for a bit to watch. The proprietor of a local Italian-themed restaurant, which will remain nameless, walked up the block to check things out. He and I had never talked, but I knew who he was. I guess he knew me, too. He saw me hustling at the cafe and told my boss I was a hard worker and that he wanted me to come work for him. At the time, to me, this was a great compliment.

Dude was old school. He wore a lot of suits, usually pretty shiny. His white hair was always slicked back, and he had those dope tinted eyeglasses that changed into sunglasses at the slightest hint of sunlight. He smoked like Sinatra and had a rusty old voice box. He offered me a Camel and asked, “What’s the rumpus?”

We watched the scene for a bit: limos, flashes popping, crowds milling around. Then out of the crush, emerging like a greasy prince, there’s Vince Gallo. He’s super skinny and all “heroin chic” in leather pants and jacket. Long, matted, black hair. Unkempt, unshaven, squirmy. He kind of shuffles and fidgets his way over to me (ME!) and drawls in his whiny nasally voice, “Not only do I have to write it, direct it, and star in it, but now I gotta seat 300 animals.”

I laughed a little I guess, but then it went dead silent for a long second. Just me, Old School and Vince in a bubble of silence. Then Old School leans right into Vince’s face and snarls, “Dose ain’t animals. Dose are Buffalonians.”

Vince kind of shrugged and shuffled off. Old School nodded to himself, gave me a little grunt and walked away.

pickarooney

So, you're AKA Abu Zia, right?

54321Dave

Please don't cyber-stalk me .