Parents obssessed about money

LegacyUser

This probably isn't as bad as the other issues I have seen posted here but I was just wondering if anyone has experienced and overcome this kind of situation before.

Basically Im 27 and at the moment I am just moved back home with the parents for the short term as I was renting a place and the lease ended and am now waiting to move into a new place.

My parents though are obssessed about money and it is depressing! For example, if I was to ring them they would speak to me for about a minute and that would be it because of the cost. They would also make sure to ask am I ringing from the landline or the mobile to check how much the call is costing..

I have a lot of stuff in my room too because I had to move everything out of the rented accommodation and I have hired some storage space for the short term and they went crazy about the fact that I did this, wasting valuable money.

It has always been like this e.g. when I bought my car, even buying a cd, clothes etc. they always have a negative comment to make to me about wasting money and they tell me what I should have done, which just gives me a headache at this stage.

They are both professionals and earning good wages with the mortgage paid off. They weren't that rich growing up but after all these years I would have thought they would mellow a bit. I myself am doing ok for myself, I have no debts apart from a few hundred on the credit card and I dont exactly go mad with my money either, I think I am prudent with my money for my age anyway.

I have tried raising this with them but they just always change back to their old ways of analysing every thing I spend my money on, which has brought me to the point that I dont tell them anything that involves spending money, I barely speak to them now actually.

I will be moving out again in a few weeks anyway and will blow as much as it takes to get there so things should get better then for me. I can get the car serviced too in peace because it is overdue one but I dont want the hassle of being told where I should have brought the car, that it didn't need a service etc. Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? It is making me stressed and putting me in bad form. It feels like a form of bullying! I was even thinking of just burning a money note in front of them just to make them loosen their grip but I expect it would be counter-productive.

shoppergal

It sounds like they're very concerned about money, could they be in debt that you don't know about that they're trying to pay off?

If not it could just be a by-product of being short of cash when you were younger and they're now trying to be more careful. Some people are just like that. If it was me I would just go about doing what i needed to do, i.e get the car serviced, if they want to go on about it let them.

LegacyUser

I cant imagine they are in debt. They have their house nearly 35 years and they haven't really spent any money on it or on anything else lavish. They are both working full time in good jobs and while I can totally understand being careful with money, especially these days, they would nearly have a stroke if a drop of hot water is wasted or if the tv was left on standby overnight by mistake.

I just think their reactions are totally disproportionate to the crime and it seems that most of their lives are spent worrying about making sure they are doing everything the cheapest and cost effective way, even if it does take most of the enjoyment away from their lives. I do go about doing what I have to do usually, but I just dont tell them anything because I know what reaction to expect.

MistyCheese

OP, your parents are most likely old enough to have lived through tough times in the past. They are probably seeing this happen again and are deciding to "hoard their nuts" so to speak, as it's unclear when the spring will come again. This is just their way of dealing with the current recession.

It doesn't have to be yours, of course. At 27 you are fully entitled to spend your money how you wish. So I would say continue to keep your finances to yourself, it's your business. Your parents will probably just be glad to know that you're coping well.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I know exactly what you mean my grandparents who i lived with where exactly the same and it was never ending, god it really pushes your buttons!

i just started to lie all the time to protect myself, i would pretend that i got this or that in LYDL for a bargain, or there was a sale on in penny's! etc, just lie about everything, as long as they feel safe in their worries about money and you feel less bothered just do what you can to protect yourself and your personal business.

I know it can seem relentless at times, it is just their underlining fears, and they are probably too old to change, but just keep telling them good stories about your finances, oh you got a bonus and its paying for your trip away which also you have got free flights from a friends dad who works in aerlingus etc etc! just hope he doesnt ask you for any contacts lol!

thefeatheredcat

It's not worth fighting about with them; I think they're just looking out for you and hoping that you're ok financially should you fall on hard times.

I think it would be handy to pay a little attention to what they say now and again, they're demonstrating a practical way of managing their finances and this will benefit you, even if you can't see it right now.

I'm the same age as you OP and I grew up with that mentality - i learnt the value of money. Yes, it can be tedious and a bit overbearing, but I would actually be with them on this. If you're being responsible with your money and paying what you have to for x, y, z then keep your finances to yourself, that's your business. But I've known lots of people who have been reckless and irresponsible with their money who have ended up time and again with the hands out looking a loan. They really don't want to see you end up in that situation.

It's a pain, but at least when you need help with making cutbacks in expenses or how to manage financially, they'll have a few ideas.

iguana

How long are you moving back in with them for? More than a week or two by the sounds of it as you have hired storage. This is going to sound harsh but I am looking at it from your parents' possible perspective. If I was the parent of a 27 year old who had moved back home because their lease ended and they hadn't anticipated this and arranged consecutive accommodation I would be quite disappointed and annoyed.

I would be disappointed as they have been an adult for 9 years and are unable to deal with their affairs as an adult. And annoyed that they think they can just rely on me and my home as a fallback on them for their irresponsibility. They have no savings to help them deal with this by themselves and are living in my house, which I bought and paid for and maintain myself as an adult without expecting help from my parents. My house where I should be allowed to have sex on the kitchen table with my husband whenever I bloody well please but now can't because my 27 year old has moved back home due to their inability to manage their affairs like the adult that they are.

And are they sorry for causing me this huge inconvenience to me and taking steps to ensure it won't happen again? No they are not. They are running up debt on their credit card and wasting money on storage when they should be saving themselves a safety net so this won't happen again. And btw, if they have money for storage why exactly didn't they arrange temporary housing for themselves? It's inconsiderate and irresponsible and as long as they are expecting my house to be their doss house they will bloody well hear about it.

thefeatheredcat

Iguana,

Harsh but well put, agree with you on that.

The flip side is that if you're responsible and have proven to make competent and responsible decisions and manage your finances you'd be welcomed back should you fall on hard times as well as folks wanting to help you out and get you back on your feet.

If you're irresponsible its a case of you've dug your own grave, go lie in it.

bSlick

iguana wrote: »

How long are you moving back in with them for? More than a week or two by the sounds of it as you have hired storage. This is going to sound harsh but I am looking at it from your parents' possible perspective. If I was the parent of a 27 year old who had moved back home because their lease ended and they hadn't anticipated this and arranged consecutive accommodation I would be quite disappointed and annoyed.

I dont know any parent who would be disappointed and annoyed. It's their child for feck sake. Most parents love to have their grown up children around more. Its a very common situation, people moving back to the parental home for a few weeks while arranging new accomodation after a lease ends and I have yet to see a parent who is annoyed by this. On the contrary they generally wish they would stay even longer.

thefeatheredcat wrote:

I'm the same age as you OP and I grew up with that mentality - i learnt the value of money. Yes, it can be tedious and a bit overbearing, but I would actually be with them on this. If you're being responsible with your money and paying what you have to for x, y, z then keep your finances to yourself, that's your business. But I've known lots of people who have been reckless and irresponsible with their money who have ended up time and again with the hands out looking a loan. They really don't want to see you end up in that situation.

It's a pain, but at least when you need help with making cutbacks in expenses or how to manage financially, they'll have a few ideas.

Where in the post did the OP say they have problems managing financially or dont know the value of money? The op seems to have his/her head screwed on fairly right from what I read. Whereas the parents are being totally unreasonable. For god sake what kind of tight arse would limit the time speaking to a family member on the phone to one minute because of the cost? Or always be making negative comments when their son/daughter buys something? Seriously it's ridiculous behaviour and is certainly not the norm.

I think its the parents who need to learn the value of money in that it's not the be all and end all. Their relationship with their son/daughter is suffering badly because they are acting like such penny pinching tightarses.

LegacyUser

bSlick wrote: »

I dont know any parent who would be disappointed and annoyed. It's their child for feck sake. Most parents love to have their grown up children around more. Its a very common situation, people moving back to the parental home for a few weeks while arranging new accomodation after a lease ends and I have yet to see a parent who is annoyed by this. On the contrary they generally wish they would stay even longer.

Where in the post did the OP say they have problems managing financially or dont know the value of money? The op seems to have his/her head screwed on fairly right from what I read. Whereas the parents are being totally unreasonable. For god sake what kind of tight arse would limit the time speaking to a family member on the phone to one minute because of the cost? Or always be making negative comments when their son/daughter buys something? Seriously it's ridiculous behaviour and is certainly not the norm.

I think its the parents who need to learn the value of money in that it's not the be all and end all. Their relationship with their son/daughter is suffering badly because they are acting like such penny pinching tightarses.

+1

Where does this presumption come from that because the sne returned home he is a freeloader under his parents roof, we dont know how much the son might look after his parents, maybe he supports them a lot in life??

I think the OP is having a rant about his parents poverty mentality, a lot of people need to stop concentrating on money all the time as if there is not another penny to be made out there, the parents attitude comes fro their upbringings and from fear.

My granddad did this, he was so concentrated on saving saving every penny, not putting on the heating, or lights or using the phone, he even bought his clothes at a charity shop but he was very well off, when he died he left 2 million in assets and cash, i just thought it was mad that all that time he actually never got to enjoy his money because he was so afraid he was going to run out of it.

iguana

bSlick wrote: »

arranging new accomodation after a lease ends and I have yet to see a parent who is annoyed by this.

I've never known of a lease to just end and the tenant to be out on their ear. They are given notice of at least a month and can then use that month to arrange new accommodation. If nothing suitable is available they can arrange short-term accommodation and if that's a bit more expensive use their savings to tide them over. Of course at the moment there is a fairly large oversupply of rental accommodation so that should not be necessary. Moving home because your lease has ended doesn't make sense at all.

And no, most parents do not want their adult children living with them. They may want them to live nearby and come for a visit 2 or 3 times a week but they generally do not wish to share their home and their private lives with adult children.

bSlick wrote: »

Where in the post did the OP say they have problems managing financially or dont know the value of money? The op seems to have his/her head screwed on fairly right from what I read.

Not having some "in case of emergency" savings is irresponsible. There will always be situations which require outlay outside of your usual budget and it's prudent to have money to cover this. Making a habit of spending on your credit card if you aren't planning on paying it off before it incurs interest is irresponsible. Sure the OP isn't terrible with money considering a lot of people's situations, but being less irresponsible than most doesn't equal responsibility.

bSlick

bSlick wrote: »

I dont know any parent who would be disappointed and annoyed. It's their child for feck sake. Most parents love to have their grown up children around more. Its a very common situation, people moving back to the parental home for a few weeks while arranging new accomodation after a lease ends and I have yet to see a parent who is annoyed by this. On the contrary they generally wish they would stay even longer.

Not in my experience. My parents would never say no to be moving back in, but I know they like their peace and quiet and their routines which are disrupted when myself and my siblings are home in the holidays. They brought me up to be independent and self sufficient, which is normal. They'd never expect to have a 25 year old still living at home. They were married and had bought a house by 22. I know things are different now, but it's hard for them to understand that. They love me going to visit, but I'm sure they wouldn't be thrilled if I moved in for months.

Where in the post did the OP say they have problems managing financially or dont know the value of money? The op seems to have his/her head screwed on fairly right from what I read. Whereas the parents are being totally unreasonable. For god sake what kind of tight arse would limit the time speaking to a family member on the phone to one minute because of the cost? Or always be making negative comments when their son/daughter buys something? Seriously it's ridiculous behaviour and is certainly not the norm.

Well, he hasn't got anywhere to live right now, as iguana pointed out. And my parents always worry about the cost of phone calls (not as much as OP's parents, but they never ring my mobile except in an emergency) and give out about purchases. I understand where they're coming from. They grew up poor and have worked hard for their money. They don't like spending on things they deem unnecessary. Not my philosophy, but in their house, it's their rules.

I think its the parents who need to learn the value of money in that it's not the be all and end all. Their relationship with their son/daughter is suffering badly because they are acting like such penny pinching tightarses.

I agree that it's quite tiresome but maybe they do have a reason. I'm sure they're not just doing it to be annoying.

thefeatheredcat

bSlick wrote: »

Where in the post did the OP say they have problems managing financially or dont know the value of money? The op seems to have his/her head screwed on fairly right from what I read. Whereas the parents are being totally unreasonable. For god sake what kind of tight arse would limit the time speaking to a family member on the phone to one minute because of the cost? Or always be making negative comments when their son/daughter buys something? Seriously it's ridiculous behaviour and is certainly not the norm.

I think its the parents who need to learn the value of money in that it's not the be all and end all. Their relationship with their son/daughter is suffering badly because they are acting like such penny pinching tightarses.

I was simply putting out the flip side of being responsible with money and its merits, backing up Iguana.

I don't recall the OP alluding specifically that their parents have money problems....or admitting it although their behaviour has been questioned if they have money problems or not. just offering a mirror view to the concept itself, not attacking OP;
I have been on both sides, have experienced similar grievances from otherwise economically and financially aware parents and that has been a benefit to me.

Again, this is a forum, if the OP didn't wish for advice/guidance/venting space of a balanced view, they wouldn't be coming here in first place.

LegacyUser

Hi,

OP here again, thanks for all the replies. Just to clarify, I started the ball rolling on actually buying a house a few weeks ago and unfortunately the time it takes to get the keys is pretty unpredictable, it could be weeks or months. Sorry I should have said that at the start. I don't know how long exactly I will be living back with the parents but I did give them plenty of notice of my intentions and they were fine with it.

I haven't asked them for any money since I was in college many years ago and I do help out around the house. Ironically they would be disappointed if I "wasted" my money on temporary accommodation while the contracts are being sorted out as there is a bed there for me in their house.

Afriendy I have come to the stage that I do lie and tiptoe around my purchases and only discuss anything I bought if they bring it up. I dont think this is a healthy attitude though cos if I ever have friends over or anything, they know i am lying through my front teeth and they wonder what the hell is going on.

Basically I find it depressing that I have to lie to them and find it hard to enjoy their company. I would like to have a better relationship with them as they do at times have good advice to give and they are my parents afterall, but at times I think they are going to have a stroke with the agitated state they get into when they feel that money has been wasted.

I regularly go to the gym just to have a shower for fear of turning on the water too long, or bring my clothes to a friends house to wash them, or pay my friends money so I can put stuff into their bin as even the things I throw out are taken back out of the bin if there might be a use for them which there hardly ever is, due to the bin tag fees which are now in.

It is a pretty psychologically damaging situation to be in I feel but hopefully I can escape sooner rather than later when i get the keys for my own place. The best way I can describe it really is that they do a cost-cost analysis rather than a cost-benefit analysis on anything I buy and can't see that there might actually be non-financial value in things.

thefeatheredcat

OP if you're feeling like you're constantly treading on eggshells then I think you need to sort this situation out with your parents and talk to them about it. They need to respect that its your money and your decision how you spend it. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to lie everytime you buy something.

Can you come to some arrangement in the meantime so you can use the phone/shower/etc without hassle and be comfortable? It's not a nice feeling to feel unwelcome especially in your parents house.

bSlick

iguana wrote: »

I've never known of a lease to just end and the tenant to be out on their ear. They are given notice of at least a month and can then use that month to arrange new accommodation. If nothing suitable is available they can arrange short-term accommodation and if that's a bit more expensive use their savings to tide them over. Of course at the moment there is a fairly large oversupply of rental accommodation so that should not be necessary. Moving home because your lease has ended doesn't make sense at all.

Well the OP has now said that he's at home at the moment because he is in the process of buying a house. Obviously there's no point signing a lease if he's about to move into his own place in the very near future. But apart from that there are lots of situations where people move back in with their parents for a few weeks or a month when a lease and ends and they haven't got a new place. Reasons such as

- planning to move into a house with friends who won't be ready for a few weeks
- being unable to find a suitable place to rent - maybe not now but it wasn't so easy for people to find suitable accommodation even 12 months ago.
- returning to Ireland after a working abroad for a year

It is often necessary and it is common for people to do it.

And no, most parents do not want their adult children living with them. They may want them to live nearby and come for a visit 2 or 3 times a week but they generally do not wish to share their home and their private lives with adult children.

Of course they don't want to live with them permanently but I have yet to see a parent who had a problem helping out their grown up child by letting them stay for a few weeks or a month while they arranged their accommodation.

LegacyUser

bSlick wrote: »

Well the OP has now said that he's at home at the moment because he is in the process of buying a house. Obviously there's no point signing a lease if he's about to move into his own place in the very near future. But apart from that there are lots of situations where people move back in with their parents for a few weeks or a month when a lease and ends and they haven't got a new place. Reasons such as

- planning to move into a house with friends who won't be ready for a few weeks
- being unable to find a suitable place to rent - maybe not now but it wasn't so easy for people to find suitable accommodation even 12 months ago.
- returning to Ireland after a working abroad for a year

It is often necessary and it is common for people to do it.



Of course they don't want to live with them permanently but I have yet to see a parent who had a problem helping out their grown up child by letting them stay for a few weeks or a month while they arranged their accommodation.

Again i agree,

I think people can be too quick to judge here sometimes, and to judge someone on their finances and decide they are irresponsible is not accurate, we have all put every penny we have had into buying our first home, rainy day money is not a reality at a time like this, and many people have gone home for this period of time and parents are happy to support them,


Op i understand what you are saying , that you seeing your parents like this is upsetting, Your parents seem to be on the same page together about money so they find it easy to live with each other which must give them both comfort so they will not challenge each other, what you have described about them following your every move to see if you are being frugal enough does sound extreme to me, i just think that it would be very hard to try and get them to change even if you did speak to them, the hard thing is having to accept that your relationship may always be like this, but i dont know what else you could do. I wonder how old your parents are?

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP if you're feeling like you're constantly treading on eggshells then I think you need to sort this situation out with your parents and talk to them about it. They need to respect that its your money and your decision how you spend it. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to lie everytime you buy something.

Can you come to some arrangement in the meantime so you can use the phone/shower/etc without hassle and be comfortable? It's not a nice feeling to feel unwelcome especially in your parents house.

I have tried speaking to them before but they have been like this for many years and seem to be pretty set in their ways. My brother and sister have told me that they often felt the same anxiety and pressure on them. I am glad to see from this thread that I am not alone anyway in being put in this situation.

I think I am fairly financially responsible and I certainly have never found myself at risk of defaulting on a loan or in more recent years not being able to provide for myself. I am by
no means rich and I probably do have a different perspective on life having gone straight out of college into the roaring celtic tiger and only now experiencing the reality of a recession, but nonetheless I cant get my head around the stress my parents put themselves under and the air of tension that inevitably results from constantly making sure that not a red cent is misspent.

I was only a kid in the 80's and Im sure times were tough then, much as they are now, but their attitude basically is that I dont have a clue what it's like out there in the real world so they are still treating me like a kid in a way. It's a shame but I just cant seem to make them realise the grip of control that money has over them

thefeatheredcat

Hmm... have you approached them with what plans you have made if any? Would they back off a bit if there was something to show that you are ok? Actually in thinking that you're getting a house....is it possible that there's some jealously/resentment towards you in getting a house? Sort of... 'I didn't have that at my age/couldn't afford back then, why should she..'?

Don't let it get to you. Keep yourself focused on getting things done and staying on track. Don't let this cause a rift between ye, it's not worth the argument for the damage it does.