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Is he distancing himself from me?

  • 17-10-2009 10:08am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have a friend who I am very close to, we at one stage were together, not exclusively but it happened. We remained very close and after a few complications things were getting back on track. Out of the blue the last week I'm finding him distancing himself from me. When we're around each other the conversation to me feels very forced, I feel sort of awkward around him like he doesn't really want me to be near him. I've noticed he's not like this with anyone else and even when in a group talking he doesn't look at me at all really, almost like he's trying to keep me out of what he's saying but at the same time allowing me to be part of the conversation. He rarely replies to my texts anymore too unless he texts me first and is looking for something for me to answer.
    I'm starting to think i'm being plain paranoid but why would i be? If he were acting the same as he always does it wouldn't feel awkward or anything would it? We used to talk complete nonsense quite happily and now we struggle to fill the silence. And I know he's the same jolly fellow with everyone else which is what bothers me. Is he trying to cut himself off from me? Because that's how it feels and it really sucks.


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Changing? wrote: »
    I have a friend who I am very close to, we at one stage were together, not exclusively but it happened. We remained very close and after a few complications things were getting back on track. Out of the blue the last week I'm finding him distancing himself from me. When we're around each other the conversation to me feels very forced, I feel sort of awkward around him like he doesn't really want me to be near him. I've noticed he's not like this with anyone else and even when in a group talking he doesn't look at me at all really, almost like he's trying to keep me out of what he's saying but at the same time allowing me to be part of the conversation. He rarely replies to my texts anymore too unless he texts me first and is looking for something for me to answer.
    I'm starting to think i'm being plain paranoid but why would i be? If he were acting the same as he always does it wouldn't feel awkward or anything would it? We used to talk complete nonsense quite happily and now we struggle to fill the silence. And I know he's the same jolly fellow with everyone else which is what bothers me. Is he trying to cut himself off from me? Because that's how it feels and it really sucks.

    Hi OP,

    Yeah your instincts are usually right on this kind of thing like if you can feel tension or something is different between you then there must be. Is it a relationship worth pursuing and confronting him on it or would it do more harm to try and work it out with him,

    should you just accept it and distance yourself from him now that you know he is giving you the cold shoulder, maybe you should cool off from him for a while and see what happens.


  • #3
    Wagon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 ✭✭✭Wagon


    I did this with a friend a few years ago and its also been done to me once before too. Id say take the hint and step right back.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    To me it's a relationship worth fighting for, he's a friend that I genuinely adore, have great fun with, get along fantastically with. We have loads in common and he's been there for me in a lot of ways that I truly appreciate. To lose him would be like losing a little part of me I suppose because we were so close. It's been done to me before, the whole cold shoulder thing and I took the hint and lost those people forever; It was different though as I did not have the same friendship with them. Confronting him just wont help because he tells me it's all in my head and just gets really angry with me. And I have no doubt that he'll be a lost cause if I start doing the same to him.

    I have slackened off the contact a bit this week while I've felt the worst of the tension and it seems to do nothing. He's happy enough this way yet when we do see each other it's like two strangers making small talk. I hate it. And I hate having to face up to the fact that my best friend who's been there the last few years is leaving me forever..


  • #5
    ncmc
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,852 ✭✭✭ncmc


    How long ago were you guys an item? I'm gathering from your post that it was some time ago? If so, it is strange that he is only acting differently now. Tbh, it sounds to me like he may have feelings for you and finds it difficult to talk to you as a result.

    You have to talk to him about it, you sound like you have nothing to lose, it sounds like you are losing him as a friend anyway and at least if you talk to him, you might be able to come to some resoltion.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sounds to me like he's started seeing someone new. It can be very difficult to maintain that closeness with someone you've had a previous relationship with, once you start a new one. Especially if the new partner is aware of the fact that you two were once an item.

    It's not necessarily right, but it's the way things often go between exes who've remained friends - the new relationship will take precedence. A new partner may not appreciate how good the friendship was, all they may see in the situation is the fact that you two used to be together as a couple.


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  • #7
    Ann22
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,004 ✭✭✭Ann22


    ncmc wrote: »
    How long ago were you guys an item? I'm gathering from your post that it was some time ago? If so, it is strange that he is only acting differently now. Tbh, it sounds to me like he may have feelings for you and finds it difficult to talk to you as a result.
    .

    I was thinking that ..but then surely if he had feelings for her he'd answer her texts.
    Op maybe he suspects you're harbouring feelings for him and doesn't want to lead you on.


  • #8
    thefeatheredcat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    OP,

    Please don't lose sleep over it or let it upset you any further.

    He may be genuinely busy or have met someone new and may not be able to provide you with the attention that you need. His feelings may have changed, he could be confused....who knows? Just don't let the doubts get to you.

    I take it you've spent a fair bit of time thinking on this and as you've confronted him before, you're going to have to deal with this insecurity yourself.

    Stop looking for reassurance from him and just go with it. He's aware that you're afraid of losing him and insecure and instead of reassuring you he's expressed anger. Do you want to be his friend or someone who become a hassle and explodes emotionally on not hearing from them? If he really cares he should be giving you reassurance but if you've been through this a few times, his patience may be wearing thin.

    It's hard losing contact with people that mean something to you and who you have at a high priority in your life. Does he have you at the same priority that you have him?

    I think give him some space, focus on your personal self and distract your thoughts from him. It sounds like this has been distressing you for a while and probably causing the blues too....make yourself happier and be more relaxed about it.

    Be grateful for the fact thought that you've realised what he means to you. If you think that saving the friendship is worth the effort, go for it. Just make sure you're both on the same page. See how things go over the next few days.... If ye both want to make the effort then the friendship will live on. Bear in mind, you might have to accept that not all friendships are salvageable and might be a case that you may have to let go.


  • #9
    Pyr0
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,967 ✭✭✭Pyr0


    Why don't you just ask him what's up ? If you're so close or have a strong friendship you should be able to ask him these things.


  • #10
    dylano_k
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 809 ✭✭✭dylano_k


    Stop Farting!!!


  • #11
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    dylano_k banned for a week for unhelpful posting.


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  • #12
    chops_g
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭chops_g


    OP from the sound of what you wrote it seems that i'm in the same situation as your friend you are talking about. All I can say is instead of trying to figure out what is going on in someones' head; just come outr and ask them whats going on. Theres nothing I hate more than people having something to say to me but leaving it. Stop being so emotionally closed and let your friend know whats going on in your head, and how things are. Sure things might not go the way you want them to, but atleast they will get resolved one way or the other.


  • #13
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Best way to get to the bottom of this is to actually ask your friend. Be straight up with them and no closed questions. Tell them you feel that they are being weird and distant with you and you want to know what is going on.


  • #14
    trowelled
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,290 ✭✭✭trowelled


    It's quite possible he's started seeing someone and that might be why he's pulling back from you a bit. But you're not gonna know unless you ask him outright.


  • #15
    embermine
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10 ✭embermine


    Just ask him what is up? Face to face!


  • #16
    Oh The Humanity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,324 ✭✭✭Oh The Humanity


    Changing? wrote: »
    To me it's a relationship worth fighting for, he's a friend that I genuinely adore, have great fun with, get along fantastically with. We have loads in common and he's been there for me in a lot of ways that I truly appreciate. To lose him would be like losing a little part of me I suppose because we were so close.

    That right there shows that you regard him with a whole lot more affection and interest than he does you. Its hurtful to realise people might not feel exactly the same about us as we do for them but that life Im afraid.

    I really, really wouldn't go down the road of 'fighting for the relationship' as you will look stalkerish and pushy.

    Being phased out will happen to you again and again through life and you will do it to other people, sometimes reluctantly sometimes not. Don't panic and fall apart. Deal with your hurt and rejection in a dignified way.

    Just accept it and move on. Its part of life.
    Changing? wrote: »
    It's been done to me before, the whole cold shoulder thing and I took the hint and lost those people forever;

    Well thats life. Better to let people go if they dont want to be friends any more.
    Changing? wrote: »
    It was different though as I did not have the same friendship with them. Confronting him just wont help because he tells me it's all in my head and just gets really angry with me. And I have no doubt that he'll be a lost cause if I start doing the same to him.

    He will be a lost cause because he WANTS to be. The fact that he is getting so angry with you indicates he feels his patience wearing thin with you. Take the hint.
    Changing? wrote: »
    I have slackened off the contact a bit this week while I've felt the worst of the tension and it seems to do nothing. He's happy enough this way

    Right. So leave it at that. He is happy.
    Changing? wrote: »
    yet when we do see each other it's like two strangers making small talk. I hate it. And I hate having to face up to the fact that my best friend who's been there the last few years is leaving me forever..

    Well that is very hard, but listen hon, denial is not going to make it any easier for you. In fact it will make it much worse. Calm down as well. At the start of the post he was 'a friend' and now he is your 'best friend' -keep it in perspective. Try not to be too melodramatic either about it.

    He was there for you for the last few years maybe unwittingly he felt drained or demanded on or smothered etc Give him some breathing space and leave it alone.


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