19 but being treated like a 9 year old

batsherlashes

My parents are causing me quite a lot of stress right now. I just turned 19 and started college.

My parents have been really controlling in the past but I talked to them about it and they said I could do what I wanted as long as I was home for dinner, and not coming in too late from nights out. Which I said fine to.

I wanted to move out, and even though I had saved up my fifth year working wages to do this, they told me that I would have to pay for my own books. clothes etc. and wouldn't let me move out essentially. They had promised me for years that I could move out in first year. When fees were said to be coming back last year, they started questioning the idea. When they didn't come back they decided not to let me move out anyway because it was too expensive for them. I was upset but I got over it.

Only two months in to the college semester and I'm already frustrated to no end. They pushed and pushed for me to get a job, it was difficult but I got one and I'm glad too. But even though I have to pay for my own way, I have a curfew of half ten on 'school nights' because apparently I'd wake them up if I came in any later. I've debated this and came to no compromise. I'm allowed to stay out till twelve on weekends. Lucky me. No student nights, no proper nights out.

They are also leaving all the time for little holidays. Three, or four times this year already. I'm left at home to look after my sister, who at fifteen is well able to look after herself. But I'm expected to stay home, look after her 24/7 and see no one. I don't even mind that I don't get paid for literally weeks of babysitting. I've also tried to explain that she's able to look after herself but to no avail.

So anyway, the last straw was tonight. Only one of my parents was away. The other was home with my sister. My boyfriend made me a romantic dinner because I won't get to see him next week because I'm 'babysitting' while they go to Spain. I got given out to over the text saying God help me if I go anywhere next week, that I should be at home 'working'. What that means I have no idea, and I had to get a taxi back home after an hour. I feel like I can't breathe anymore. So with my job I'm getting about 250 euro a week.

If I try to move out I know my family will disown me. But I feel like I'm not in control of my life. I appreciate that they feed me, and I'm living at my house rent free but right now thats not appealing to me. I just want more freedom, go out properly, not feel guilty all the time and stressed. Please help, I don't know what to do but I know I want to do something.

Overheal

Crash at someone else's place and avoid this wakeusupatnight tripe.

I dropped out of college so what do I know. My dad made it through and he assures me when he wasnt studying he was working to pay his way, and when he wasnt doing that he was fitting in fun. You can move out, but you have to believe you will be stretching your time managment to a tether. not impossible though.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Awww i am truly sorry for the stress this is causing you, you must feel so trapped and used by your family, they are still treating you like a child and as if they own you. You are an adult now and are in college it is supposed to be your time to go out into the world, experience things and relationships. Unfortunately your parents are not supporting you or recognizing you as a person, and now adult,

I am sorry to say it because it might be difficult to let them go but i really think you should move out. You could get digs with the money you are earning even if you had to share with a friend. Your parents are not listening to you so you have no choice but to move out, I think you should say to them i love you but it is important for me to now live my own life and have my own space as an adult. You do not ask them for permission any more you tell them as an adult that this is the way it is.

Do you have some friends and your boyfriend that can support you through this time because it will be quite emotional and upsetting for you, but i defo think you should do it.

I cant believe you are not allowed out past 10.30 and 12 at the weekends, you really need to experience the college life it is your time.

best of luck, and please let us know how what you decide to do,

sending the angels to watch over you XXX

miss no stars

move out

250 a week is plenty to live off

I live off 250 a MONTH. (that's including busfare!)

If they start threatening you with "we'll never talk to you again" call their bluff. They're bullies and I'm sorry to say that about your parents but that's what it is. If you move out they will eventually miss you and if you stay strong they'll come crawling back with their tail between their legs. If they don't, go have your own life. It's not worth giving yourself a nervous breakdown over.

wolfric

miss no stars wrote: »

move out

250 a week is plenty to live off

I live off 250 a MONTH. (that's including busfare!)

If they start threatening you with "we'll never talk to you again" call their bluff. They're bullies and I'm sorry to say that about your parents but that's what it is. If you move out they will eventually miss you and if you stay strong they'll come crawling back with their tail between their legs. If they don't, go have your own life. It's not worth giving yourself a nervous breakdown over.

That really depends on what quality of life you want. If you're making 250 and you have a secure job fine. Imagine if the op lost her job. Rent starts building up and the parents won't allow her move back in. College work could build up and that would mean that the job was more important and it would put you in a tight spot.


Look what i'd do is sit down with your parents and slowly and calmly state what you want. Tell them to list their demands for THEMSELVES. So for example a demand for you is not to come in late. A demand for them is not to be woken up. If you can meet their demands your own way then you can keep them happy and feel free to live your life.

Think about getting other people involved such as an aunt or an uncle or someone who you could put your story too that could help you out with your parents. Obviously you need someone that knows them pretty well and are comfortable with. It would help if they got what you were saying from someone else. Take great care with this though.

Ask them to relate how their system affects you. Socializing remind them is not just fun and games, it's important for your mental wellbeing and happiness. Independence is also vital for that

miss no stars

wolfric wrote: »

That really depends on what quality of life you want. If you're making 250 and you have a secure job fine. Imagine if the op lost her job. Rent starts building up and the parents won't allow her move back in. College work could build up and that would mean that the job was more important and it would put you in a tight spot.

Not in any way saying that what you've suggested wouldn't work, but for the benefit of the OP I'm just going to mention that most colleges have emergency assistance funds for this sort of thing precisely.

I'm not well versed on the ins and outs of it (and the OP's student union would be the best stop for this type of info) but once you can prove that you are in no way receiving financial assistance from your parents and do not live with them you can be assessed on your own income for a local authority grant. It's tricky enough to do from what I've heard, but it's always an option.

mayordenis

Try put it in nicer words - but say you're 19 in college and working and they can like it or lump but your going to go enjoy life.

Then move out.

t-ha

Remind them who gets to pick their nursing home.

bangersandmash

t-ha wrote: »

Remind them who gets to pick their nursing home.

I'm confused by your off-hand comment. Most likely you mean the HSE?

opinion guy

t-ha wrote: »

Remind them who gets to pick their nursing home.

I've actually done this way back. I wouldn't recommend it but it sure does get their attention :P

OP - your parents are kind of treating you like they own you. You are not there to serve them. I think you should move out as these issues won't just go away. You already have a job and study so you are certainly a hard worker. I think as an adult working hard you are entitled to come home to a comfortable scenario. But don't be fooled - sometimes renting can be equally as horrible. You are also entitled to make your own decisions about moving out or not. OP I think this is the kind of thing parents will pull so long as they are getting away with it. Sometimes you just have to call their bluff. My folks threatened to pull the funds a couple of times - when i was sick and unable to work. I just said - fine if thats what you need to do and they new I meant it (I'm not one to have my bluff called). Not only did they back down but i feel like i have a better relationship with them in the long run as they came to realise they coudln't dictate to me like that. That being said -even though my relationship with them is good now, it wasn't always. so you may not want to listen to me. Anyhow i'm sure lots of other people will post on here disagreeing with me and saying how you are lucky to ahve a roof over your head etc etc.

ParkRunner

Hey OP I feel your pain! My parents treated me in a similar way when I started college, giving out if I stayed out late and checking what time I will be home at for dinner, the usual.
250 a week is pretty decent money for a part time job so if I were you I would move out and share, if even just for the academic year. You only get a few years in college so you might as well enjoy them. Dont forget to do the odd bit of study though too
I moved out in my 2nd year in college and shared a house with 6 others. It wasn't ideal, but it was a step up from living at home with the parents and gave me some independence. It will give you more confidence too to stand up for yourself and experience life away from home. Hope it all works out!

Fysh

It sounds like you and your parents are both struggling to adapt to the idea that you're an adult now and able to fend for yourself and make your own decisions.

Id you know anyone at college working and living away from home, get advice from them on what they spend per week, where to look for rentals,how they pay for everything (ie are they working, relying on loans, getting ,help from the folks?). When you've done this, work out how viable it would be for you to move out and sustain yourself. Include things like books, food, an emergency cash stash, a social life, any travel and other regular expenses. Write up a budget plan showing your expected incomes and expenses. Also work out an honest timetable for the hours you'll need to put in at work, at lectures/classes, prep work & reading etc for college, and a reasonable amount of time to relax and enjoy yourself.

Once you've done this, ask your parents to sit down with you and discuss it with you. it's a big decision and it's better taken with their blessing than without. You should try to explain that this isn't about coming home late - it's about learning to be self-reliant and independent. Explain that you need downtime as well. They probably see the babysitting/no late weeknights as a "our house, our rules" thing, as in you get free rent so looking after your sister is payment in kind.

Whatever you do, don't start off with an ultimatum. Be calm and clear about what you want, and explain that you've thought it through. Being calm, measured and paying attention to detail will show them you're ready to deal with the world as an adult. Plenty of adults fall back into routines of interaction from their teenage years when discussing things like this with their parents - I know I've done it often and still struggle to avoid it occasionally when a disagreement comes up. They key is to hold firm and treat them as you want to be treated, and avoid the temptation to fall into tit-for-tat arguing. Offer them a compromise where if they give you advance warning (say 2 weeks or more) once you've moved out, you will try to look after your sister when they go away.

Even if you ignore the rest of this post, at least heed the following: DON'T come out with that childish rubbish about nursing homes. It's the hallmark of the intellectually stunted and will beg a response of "so you'll be paying back all the money we spent raising you then?" (assuming you didn't just get a well-deserved clip round the ear for your trouble, that is)