What to do?

LegacyUser

Hey,

Usually I can sort my own mind out on matters but this one is just too much for me now. Need opinion of others...where to begin..

I am the mother of 11 yr old and a 9 yr old boys. Currently pregnant on my third but not the father of the my sons. Their father my husband died couple of years ago.

Basically its only hitting my eldest now about his dad. ie every second night crying at bed time.
He wont go to counselling abdament that he wont go. I have reassured him to the hilt but still the same ... im at a loss now.

Any ideas?

Elbi

Im very sorry to hear OP,

Is there anyone your son could talk to like and an older cousin or an aunt that he would be comfortable talking to? I know its not the same but talking to anyone might help.

MizzLolly

Maybe you and your son could go to counselling together?

Put it in a way that you want to get counselling but that you'd prefer to have him there to make it easier, so you're making him feel like he's helping you rather than the focus being on him. Your counsellor will know how to get him talking.

LegacyUser

Elbi wrote: »

Im very sorry to hear OP,

Is there anyone your son could talk to like and an older cousin or an aunt that he would be comfortable talking to? I know its not the same but talking to anyone might help.

Ive suggested that he could talk to his aunt about it but thats a no go. The counselling was with a teacher out of his school, last week when he was upset i explained to him that I could only help him so far that he needs an professional to help him too. I told him that i would go with him as well. I basically was ordered not to ring his teacher not to sort it out.

Liz.. Thats good idea to suggest its for me and he would be helping me

DEEDEE30

hey op,

So sorry about your situation. This may not be any help but i remember a programme on RTE with David Coleman. One of the families he helped where in similar situaton as yourself. Maybe you can try locate that programme and he if it helps you.

~me~

give him time, hes at an awkward age in that he wants to keep things private but he wants someone to help him cope as well. do you sit with him when hes crying? like does he go to you crying or would you just hear him? if hes going to you then thats a good sign, if not then hes prob not ready to open up yet.
this is just his time of grieving, it may be a bit delayed but the process is the same and if anything it might be a bit easier now that you've come to terms (as much as you can do) with it so you can be strong enough for him to do the same.
i wouldnt push him into anything yet, if it gets worse then maybe do what Mizzlolly said but it sounds like something just triggered it or it just hit him properly so this is like it all happening again. maybe he saw a friend with his dad or something and it just set it off, but i think its probably a good thing that hes going through the grieving process now, even if it doesnt feel that way right now.
it may be the new baby that made him realise it wasnt his dads child and it became a bit more real. maybe you should ask him how he feels about the baby and the babys dad and reassure him that you still love his dad and him. i think for any child it'd be hard enough to have a new brother or sister on the way but when its not by their dad it may make it a bit more awkward. not that im pointing blame at you or anything of the sort, just that he might be confused at how he should feel.
good luck with everything and the new baby!

LegacyUser

I ve reassured him that of course but I dont think it believes me in a way. im to the point were i try not to punish him for misbehaving cause im afriad it will effect him.

I know i have to bear with it and just be there for him, thats obvious. Most of the time i just sit there with him when he crying and hold him. Im probably being selfish i dont know.

Thanks for all the advice!

LegacyUser

hey OP,
sorry to hear about your situation, can I just say I think personally that it would be a good idea if you asked your son would he be willing to speak to a professional who is not his teacher?! I can imagine his embarrasment at talking to a teacher about something so personal and difficult!
Thats the only advice I could offer! I hope this all sorts itself out for you..

best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry for your situation coping as a single parent can be tough, I feel that you need some support through this also, because if you say to your son that you can only deal with it so far are you saying that you do not have the emotional skills to work through it with him or you dont know what to do? because it may really help if you got some therapy yourself and were guided into being able to deal with it further. He is so young to have to make a decision about going to see a therapist, he may be feeling that there is something wrong with him when all of this pain is a completely normal reaction to his father dying. I think this is more of a family problem you all have together rather than it just being about your son. If you went to therapy and got some support your son may in time feel comfortable to come in with you but i think it must be really scaring him that he feels forced into going, and he might be feeling that he is the only one with problems when it is a family problem.

I feel starting at the top with yourself and getting a good support system going for you, emotionally and practically would then have a ripple effect on the rest of the family.