Mother in law

ashisback

My mother in law hates me so much that she now is making my fella brake up with me. We have a son whos 3 and it turns out im not a good mother to our son or a good partner for him and we have been going out for 6 years haven't a clue with to do and now we are both fighting over his mother haven't talked to him in 3 days

Nevyn

She needs to back of and he need to tell her to butt out.

muboop1

I'm assuming you aren't as a couple dependent on them in any way?
And that you aren't living with them etc??

Honestly, You need to tell them to get their own life and stop controlling yours.

Or rather your bf needs to!

Bar her seeing you blatantly neglecting your child she has no right to butt into your relationship, in which case she should call child services to be cruel about it.

You and your bf are creating your life together.
She needs to either back down and be part of it or **** off and not.

What are your bf's feelings on this?

Is he making excuses or siding with her or anything?

ashisback

muboop1 wrote: »

I'm assuming you aren't as a couple dependent on them in any way?
And that you aren't living with them etc??

Honestly, You need to tell them to get their own life and stop controlling yours.

Or rather your bf needs to!

Bar her seeing you blatantly neglecting your child she has no right to butt into your relationship, in which case she should call child services to be cruel about it.

You and your bf are creating your life together.
She needs to either back down and be part of it or **** off and not.

What are your bf's feelings on this?

Is he making excuses or siding with her or anything?

no we live in our own house thank god cuz id think i would have killed her by now bf is sick to death listen to her go on about me he even told her that if she didn't back of shell be losing another son.

Leave his mother to him. Don't have anything to do with the woman.
Don't argue over her. Let him deal with it, or ignore it as he sees fit.
Ye have a child together, you need to focus on your own relationship for the sake of that child. Not whatever posion she is spewing.
If she has no financial control over you, she can only hurt you as much as you let her.

ashisback

Shes coming over tonight for a "chat" so im looking forward to hear what she has to say. my boyfriend thinks theres another reason to why she hates me as well but wont say what that is

LegacyUser

There must be a reason as to why she is feeling this way towards you, it cant all be over nothing. I dont see how any mother could cause this much trouble for her son if it was over nothing?? I understand mothers can be overpowering and perhaps thinks that no woman is good enough for her son but when theres children involved, I wouldve thought she would have to just leave you be and get on with it.

Have you had arguments before? Have you never got on?

ashisback

no we never got on before she just has hated me when we started to go out. she says i stopped him from going to college which isnt true because he never wanted to go to college it wasn't his style when i was having our kid she blamed me for it saying i was ruining his life with having this kid.

martdalto

What exactly is she coming over to "chat" about????

Before she gets there you and your bf need to start talking to each other. You need to be singing from the same hymn sheet if she starts on about anything.

Don't let her insult you. If she says something about you being a bad mother.. pull her up on it. Ask her what she means, ask her what is it that you are doing wrong? Make her answer - it's all very easy for her to throw out - bad mother - bad girlfriend - but ask her for specifics and see what she comes up with.

YES - your bf should stick up for you.. BUT - you are an adult, you don't need to depend on him to fight your battles for you. If he doesn't stick up for you, stick up for yourself.

STOP arguing with him about his mother. You are putting him in the middle - and it looks like she is winning the day.

You don't have to have anything to do with her. You don't ahve to have her in your house. Would you let someone else into your house who insulted you and was trying to ruin your relationship? Your bf can have a relationship with his mother independantly of you. He can bring your child to see her, without you having to go (sure you'd only be doing everything wrong anyway, so you're better off leaving him to it;)!)

If you have nothing to do with her - she will eventually run out of things to give out about, about you.

You don't have to have a relationship with this woman. She's nothing to YOU. Your bf and your child can have a relationship with her, but you don't have to be involved.

It'd be nice if you could of course, but unfortunatley things don't always turn out "nice".

Let tonight be the last time she sets foot in your house while you are there. And let tonight be the last time you and your bf discuss her and anything she does/says.

Don't let her split you up. You're together 6 years...

deisemum

unregsitered wrote: »

There must be a reason as to why she is feeling this way towards you, it cant all be over nothing. I dont see how any mother could cause this much trouble for her son if it was over nothing?? I understand mothers can be overpowering and perhaps thinks that no woman is good enough for her son but when theres children involved, I wouldve thought she would have to just leave you be and get on with it.

Have you had arguments before? Have you never got on?

There are some mothers like that, they don't need an actual reason apart for jealousy that their child has someone else who could potentially be someone significant in their child's life.

I've seen my own mother being a nasty two-faced bitch to most of my brother's girlfriends including his ex-wife.

I've also been on the receiving end from my inlaws and the thing is they didn't know me or my family as my husband and I met abroad. They also treat their son in law the same way. It doesn't matter who their children get involved with they'll be subjected to the same nasty treatment.

I haven't had anything to do with my inlaws for the last 8 years. That's 95% reduction in arguments between my husband and myself so we've a much more peaceful and a lot less stress in our lives. My husband brings the boys to visit them. I was subjected to years of nasty treatment from them but I foolishly made the mistake of biting my tongue hoping to keep the peace. We ended up separating for 6 months at one stage due to effect their nasty interfering caused.

Counselling got me to realise that I should have pulled them up everytime they disrespected me and then they might not have been so quick to keep doing it. If you don't respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself then don't expect others to respect you.

Thing is now that I've stood up for myself and haven't had anything to do with them for 8+ years they've no emotional hold over me and the strange thing is now that they know they'll never be let get away with anything they now invite me to family occasions etc but I decline. Maybe they have more respect for me that I finally got a backbone when it comes to them. However they're nasty to the core and are still being nasty to their son-in-law.

One thing our counsellor got my husband and I to realise that if your partner cannot stand up for you then you should do so yourself. Also due to how some sons or daughters are raised can make it next to impossible for some of them to stand up to a parent. Family dynamics can still continue into adulthood.

CDfm

Susan Forward an American Psychologist has written manuals which are used in abusive situations. I was given a book of hers years back which was most excellent.

It was uncanny how she had it down.

She also does one on Toxic In Laws.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Toxic-In-Laws/Susan-Forward/e/9780060507855

martdalto

OP, how did the "chat" go last night with your mil?

Did you and your boyfriend sort anything out?

ashisback

i havent a clue didnt stay at the house when she came over and i didnt see him at all today so when he gets home from work ill ask i hope he told her where to go

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think you need to take control of this situation. WHy does the mother in law get to decide your having a chat when it suits her? If you know what type of woman she is and have been on the end of it long enough you dont need to know any more, now you need to start implementing how you are going to be with her. I would suggest cutting her out, let your boyfriend deal with it, if you step aside and not make any effort with her, dont go up to their house, protect yourself at all costs put yourself first, because no one else is, and your BF needs to step up and protect you, if he is not going to then you need to draw a line with how much sh!t you are being dragged into, separate yourself from it, decide you will not be in the same room as her, your BF can take your child to visit her and you can let him have this responsibility.

I have recently done this with my BF's dad, he is so domineering and selfish and he treats all women like second class citizens, he is an alcoholic and just has the worst addictive personality, he smokes hash all the time and if your in a room with him you can never get a word in. I was so patient with him for many years but recently he tried to take the family home through a divorce, and put the family through hell, the judge saw through him and awarded him nothing, i just cant bare to look at him again, My BF is very forgiving of his father, he doesnt go out of his way for him but he likes to spend time with him, when we have children i wonder if this will be a problem, or even if we get married because i really dont want him at the wedding, I said to myself that my BF can bring our future child to see him but i will never be part of it, even this morning the dad said he was around the corner and was coming for in for a cup of tea, my BF had to make up an excuse because he knows how i feel about him, but you do have to draw a line and protect yourself and not let circumstances pull you back in.

Best of luck, let us know how you get on xxx

martdalto

Hi ash, I wouldn't ask him!

You should let this be the start of your indifference towards her. Don't initiate conversation about her.

If he voluntarily tells you - "She said...... and I told her where to go" then you can be happy. But if you ask him what was said, and he knows you're not going to like the answer, he'll get defensive, you'll get annoyed and you'll be back rowing again. (And she'll be winning again)

As others have said... cut yourself off from her. You don't need her. What exactly is she contributing to your life that is POSITIVE?

You'd be waiting for him to tell you that he finally stood up to her and told her to P-Off. If he tells you anything less than that you will be disappointed and annoyed with him again. And to be honest, if she is the horrible woman we are led to believe it might be next to impossible for him to stand up to her.

If you want to stay in a relationship with him - then for your own santy pretend his mother doesn't exist.

Best of luck.

ashisback

we had a chat and he told his mother that she cant just turn up to the house when she likes she has to call him first to make sure its ok to call over and she cant talk about me to anyone not even to our son turns out she told our son something about me and he told my bf about it. and she has no say in how we bring our son up. so his hoping itll work. but i told him i dont want to be anywhere near her so i dont know how that is going to work because his sister is getting married next month and were going to the sisters for Christmas as well and shell be there.

LegacyUser

ashisback wrote: »

we had a chat and he told his mother that she cant just turn up to the house when she likes she has to call him first to make sure its ok to call over and she cant talk about me to anyone not even to our son turns out she told our son something about me and he told my bf about it. and she has no say in how we bring our son up. so his hoping itll work. but i told him i dont want to be anywhere near her so i dont know how that is going to work because his sister is getting married next month and were going to the sisters for Christmas as well and shell be there.

Hi OP,

I know it can be tricky with other family members and they usually dont like to get involved, but they also are not on the other side of the awful behaviour you are subjected to, so you have to decide how you want to play it, if you want to put a clear boundary up with your mother in law now would be the time to do it, Just try your best to avoid her company, you might have to go to the wedding, but you can keep your distance always protecting yourself and your feelings. you could easily slip back into the old way if your boyfriend deosnt think your serious about it, so stick to your guns and try and put some healthy boundaries up with the mother in law.

CDfm

ashisback wrote: »

we had a chat and he told his mother that she cant just turn up to the house when she likes she has to call him first to make sure its ok to call over and she cant talk about me to anyone not even to our son turns out she told our son something about me and he told my bf about it. and she has no say in how we bring our son up. so his hoping itll work. but i told him i dont want to be anywhere near her so i dont know how that is going to work because his sister is getting married next month and were going to the sisters for Christmas as well and shell be there.

OP - this is a good start.

Now you need to build on this.

If you are going to weddings Christmases etc plan an exit strategy that allows you to leave such as dont drink and be the designated driver.Also make sure your bf speaks to his sister so you are seated away from Mommie Dearest.

There was a thread here one time where the MIL got drunk and created mayhem.