Marathon Advice - NOT

Domer

I found this on the web a while ago… I think it is quite amusing. Read this, do the opposite, and you will be fine!!

Taper Schmaper - Taper? You've got to be kidding? You want to lose that finely tuned conditioning you worked so hard for? That rapid leg turnover? You're a virtual running machine. Cut back? No way. Keep that consistent training going right up until a day before the race and to gain that psychological edge that you can go the distance - - it's always a great idea to do your last long run a few days before the marathon. This just reinforces that you've got what it takes. Don’t worry about "dead legs" come race day, as adrenaline and fan support will overcome that completely.
Speedy Start - The key to a successful start is to place yourself as near to the front as possible. You want to get caught up in the faster pace of the elite runners and make certain you eclipse your planned pace per mile by a minute or so in those first few miles. This way you'll already be well ahead of your goal target and the mental boost you'll receive is immeasurable. Don't even think about negative splits. Just get as far ahead of your target time as quick as you can and the stimulus of the race will keep you going the rest of they way. Take advantage of all that pent up energy in the first half of the race. Go! Go! Go!
Bathroom Discipline - Let's talk anatomy. You drink fluids; you eventually have to expel. Do you want to have to waste time stopping for a port-a-potty at mile 18? I think not. The best way to avoid this is to forego all fluid offered at the various aid stations. Additionally, you won't lose those valuable seconds by slowing down to grab a drink. Recognize that if you're really thirsty they'll be plenty of fluids available at the finish line. That also works as extra incentive to get going, as unquenched thirst is a great motivator.
Coffee Combustion - Give yourself a great big kick-start. If you're a regular coffee drinker then simply quintuple your normal intake. If you're new to the caffeine connection then three cups will do you just fine. Don't worry about upsetting your stomach, or its diuretic effects as that's quite a small trade off for a good opening mile time.
Try Something Exciting - You've worked hard in preparation for the marathon and should reward yourself with something new and special for the race. Best thing would be a brand new pair of shoes or try a different make of socks or even a new breakfast cereal. Maybe Fiber Flakes or Bran Buds! Mix things up a little for the big day.
Uphill, Downhill - If you encounter any hills you need to attack them vigorously. Get into some oxygen debt. Try to lengthen that stride and sprint up them as fast as humanly possible and then jog leisurely on the downhill while putting the break pedals on. This way you'll get the hill out of the way faster and be able to enjoy the slow pace on the backside while exchanging high fives with the spectators.
Goo Riddance - Do you think Frank Shorter won a gold medal downing energy gels or other goo's over the last ten miles? I think not as the only goo Frank was familiar with in the 1970's was Shoe Goo and that was something you really wouldn't want to ingest. Don't rely on a shot of strawberry banana flavored pudding like food to get you through the sudden light headed feeling at mile 20. Just close your eyes and plow ahead. Be a trooper.
Post Run Recovery - Once you cross that finish line you deserve to simply lay down. Don’t expend any further energy and stop the strain train right there. Just take a seat and let those lactic acid pools build right up in your legs where they belong. You may be more sore tomorrow but let's just think about today.

kennyb3

A very funny read, but in a way an educational one of the what not to do's