Looks like it's over...

LegacyUser

So while living abroad i met a girl from the UK and we were going out with each other for about 6 months there before we both came home to UK and Ireland. I live in Dublin and she's been over a few times and we've been on holidays together and i've gone over there etc. We would talk everyday on email, MSN, text, on the phone etc.
She started doing a masters recently near London and she was out last week with her new course-mates and i wasn't feeling too good about anything that day so when she called me after the pub i told her my concerns - that i am anxious now and where this is going etc etc and she broke down and started crying etc. Anyway she reckons it's just not going to work this Long Distance thing, that it's too much work for her with her new course etc and she's probably right. I had arranged already to go over this wednesday for 5 nights so i'll see her then but it's likely to be the last time we ever see each other. I could probably move to the UK next year and i made her aware of that but she thinks a year is a long time and it's really difficult for her and doesn't know if she could do this for that long.
It's just extremely depressing, knowing that she'll never be mine, i thought she was the one for me after previous failed relationships. I am 29 and she is 24, yeah that's 5 years i know we may be at different stages in our lives but i'm by no means wanting to settle down etc.
I'm really finding it hard dealing with this, I can't cope at work, I'm drinking every night to get rid of the anxiety, I just see no hope in my life right now.
I already keep busy with the gym, night classes, etc but i have become so lethargic since this happened and can't bring myself to do much at all. It will be nice to see her for a few days on Wed but also extremely depressing.
How do you deal with knowing the girl you love will be out banging all sorts, meeting new guys, etc? I don't even want to meet other girls, i have opportunities regularly but i thought i was beyond the one night stand thing etc it doesn't do it for me anymore.
I don't really have any friends i can discuss this with, and i can't even bring myself to cry, it just wont happen, i just have this constant pain inside me that's not going away.
I know time will heal but the thought of her gone from my life forever is horrible, it feels like bereavement, like she's dead, but I will always know where she is and how to contact her, she's just an hour away really by plane.
What do I do?

LegacyUser

forgot to ask - can anyone advise me on how i should act with her this weekend? i will be staying with her for a couple of nights and we're going to london for a couple of nights she has booked a hotel there. I don't want to come across as pathetic or really needy or anything, i guess i just want to leave a lasting impression and not to mess it up.

CDfm

OP - cut the booze out as its a depessant and accentuates feelings and you will be better able to think without it.

Dont do the pathetic thing go for the best time of your life and do nice things.

Its easy to be brave by msm etc but when she sees you she may think differently.

Have fun and see what transpires.

G-Money

Hmmmmm. It's sickening to think of a girl you like out banging other guys but unfortunately it happens.

This is a bit of a mad suggestion but I'm wondering if you should cancel your trip? It sort of sounds like you've more or less finished it at this stage so while it might be inconvenient if she's made plans, at the same time won't it just prolong the agony?

EamoS

When ye say ye could probably move next year, do you mean in a whole year's time or just in 2010? Cause if you just mean at the start of next year I would go for it. Its not that long till 2010, and if you knew you were going to be moving over the time in between wouldnt be as hard, for either of you. To be honest even if ye cudnt move till next summer i'd still consider it. Plus you would have loads of time to save some money and look for work over there etc. You cud make it over for a couple of weekends in the meantime. BUT, if you do decide, be prepared for her to say no.

I think you should definitely go on the trip next week and try and enjoy yourself as much as possible. Just remember in the back of your head that it's not necessarily the last time you will see her, as you always have the option of moving over.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. Well I'm not going to cancel the trip, i wanted to go over anyway and see some friends, i've been meaning to go to london for years.
The girl loves me, for sure, she was always doing most of the work to be honest, and i can't help feeling i should have tried a bit harder. I've met her family etc, everyone seemed to like me. I'm just worried that i turn into an emotional wreck in front of her and start saying all kinds of pathetic things, i doubt this does a lot for your image in front of any woman.
Ideally, and it may sound immature, but i just want her to see the best of me and whether that's enough to change things or not, at least she'll always hold me in high esteem.
She's from a fairly rich, posh, british family, all that upper class stuff, and part of me feels like i'm not good enough for her sometimes, with my humble background. But i've done alright for myself in life, better than a lot of people nowadays. As I said i've no one to talk to about this, my friends would just tell me to shutup whingeing and go out and get laid, but i wish it was that easy. That's why it's nice to write it out here. I could get laid by sending a text or two but i don't want to. I'm just not sure if pouring my heart out to her in person is the way to go about it or to act composed and try and make the most of the days without resorting to heated discussions about what is happening and what will happen.

Moomoo1

Just be confident, and tell you what you think, and what you feel towards her in an assertive way. That you can move over in a year, that you will come and visit all the time, that you think it will work out in the long run, etc etc. Ok, she called you up and had her say, now you can have yours.

Take her out somewhere nice and romantic if you want to leave a lasting impression.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Just be confident, and tell you what you think, and what you feel towards her in an assertive way. That you can move over in a year, that you will come and visit all the time, that you think it will work out in the long run, etc etc. Ok, she called you up and had her say, now you can have yours.

Take her out somewhere nice and romantic if you want to leave a lasting impression.

thanks for that moomoo, i suppose all i can do is try that. I don't know if it's just me or not but i always seem to think break ups are much easier for women, well the type of women i go out with anyway, which have been confident liberated types. From previous experience I usually hear of them being with someone new within weeks, while I'm moping around like a chump for months and months, with little interest in other women unless i'm plastered and picking up someone in the heat of the moment. The 2 women I've loved previously eventually faded into dusty memories in my mind and I don't care if i never see them again or what they're doing now to be honest, but i just don't want that to happen with this one.
I know it's a bit of a ridiculous situation we're in but these things happen all the time, and people work around them. Maybe she's just not at the right age or stage in her life where she's willing to work through it but i would do anything to avoid the pain of breaking up.

Moomoo1

mate, I am married to one of those 'liberated' types, and surrounded by them elsewhere... they are still people, they breathe the same air and have the same emotions as everyone else. Even though they sometimes hide it well :-).

as for priorities, they can be combined ;-).

Instead of mulling over things, try to make sure you two have as great a time when you meet as possible, and then maybe talk things over sometime in day 3 or 4. Tell her she is the one for you, ask her how she _really_ feels about you two , and go on from there. If you can hint to her that you could get a gf at home, but it's her that you want (without saying as much), even better.

LegacyUser

well i have mailed her today to try and clear the air and it has helped to be honest, i was finding it hard to talk on the phone. Here's the main part

Was I ever cut out to be a partner for you? I know I could have perhaps tried to give you more reassurance and could have been more optimistic but it wasn’t easy for me either, not knowing what you wanted and what you were up to, and this could get me down. I love spending time with you, and we didn’t make the most of it, but as usual it was probably down to communications issues, neither of us being good at it, but all we had to do was bring up the subject really and we could talk.

You have no idea how highly I regard you, you’re only the 2nd girl I ever introduced to my family, that means a lot to me. I think you’re clever and funny and gorgeous and sexy. I sometimes feel like my modest ambitions aren’t up to scratch with you, I know you will do really well and you’re going places, but I’m doing alright and I always have done no matter where I’ve lived, it’s not like I’m stuck to this job or have anything holding me down. And yes I know you’re younger than me and you’re not sure where your life is headed, but I would never stand in your way of that, I just thought there would be room for me somewhere or we could work something out, you will always come home some day.

The last thing I want is to become an annoying burden on you with all this nonsense, but a lot of things don’t make sense to me now and I can’t see this getting better for me anytime soon. I don’t want you to fade into a dusty memory that I don’t care about like what has happened with previous girls.

I know this is a waste of time for you but I need to vent these things, I don’t want to be in your face when I meet you in person. The fact is relationships take work, and I wasn’t very considerate of your life, which I’m sorry for, but you will regret this some day, believe me from cruel experience, you seldom meet people in life that you click with properly. You wont meet many people that you would move all the way to feckin’ ****** for after knowing them 2 days. Well I just had to get all this off my chest, clear the air etc. I could write for hours but I know you’re busy,

See you soon

think she's writing me a reply as we speak, *gulp*, i'm nervous as hell

Moomoo1

you shouldn't be so sheepish. Something along the lines of 'I love you, you are great, I will make more effort than before, trust me now that [if we stay together then] things will work out in the end' would have been far better.

LegacyUser

ugh, just had argument with her on the phone, it's not good, looks like it over for good. She's going on about the fact that she didn't like how she has become when she's around me, that she was never sure what to say or whether i liked her or not, and that she doesn't think it's ever going to work. Started off a normal conversation about me arriving tomorrow then it descended into that. Ran out of credit eventually. I am having a really bad time with this. I feel sick, can't eat, can't work, can't go to my classes. I just feel like banging my head off a wall.

Moomoo1

just go tomorrow and try to have a good time with her, and just see how it goes...

LegacyUser

flight isn't till after work. I don't think this is a good idea really but i will go anyway. I can't see how someone who claims to love me can suddenly want no more contact ever again, which i know she is going to want after the weekend. I'm really starting to doubt my personality over this, of all the women i've gone out with she's the one i thought would do anything to be with me.

So should I just not mention any of this break up stuff and just try and enjoy the weekend? When I think of doing it that way, i think she'll be delighted i'm not distraught about it anymore and will be happy as she can get on with her life and not talk to me ever again and sleep with new people etc. On the other hand i could pour my heart out and tell her how hurt i am etc etc but this will probably just make her definitely never want to speak to me again, either way she'll be getting spit roasted before I know it... sigh...

i just wish i knew a way to come out on top of all this

BumbleB

Op wasn't a really good reply ,you were devaluating yourself and raising her on a pedestal. Not attractive stuff really ,but I know love can do all this stuff to you, been there done that not repeating it.

LegacyUser

BumbleB wrote: »

Op wasn't a really good reply ,you were devaluating yourself and raising her on a pedestal. Not attractive stuff really ,but I know love can do all this stuff to you, been there done that not repeating it.

i know i know i've been there before too and i'm not going to devalue myself any further. Anyway i think she'll be a different cup of tea in person, and i'm looking really good since i saw her last, have lost half a stone am lifting heavier and finally my stomach muscles are showing, so i feel really good physically at least.
I have to say, for anyone looking to manage their diet, lose weight, work harder at the gym etc, breaking up with someone works wonders! My appetite is gone but i'm still managing to eat the right amount to get in good shape and my cravings for anything else have gone completely. Must be the ball of anxiety in my stomach but i wish we could have an argument with me once a week after i leave her this weekend so that the anger can fuel my workouts and anxiety can fill my stomach!

Moomoo1

it's all about choosing the right time and the right approach. Yeah, you should go and try to enjoy yourselves and have a nice romantic time, and then maybe towards the end try to sort things out. You've made your feelings known already so try to find out what she is feeling. Just ask her straight if she loves you or not, and go on from there.

EDIT just don't come accross as so needy, that's all

LegacyUser

god I'm nervous now, i'll try and keep it together as best i can, i just hope i don't crack. It's always the "dumpee" that comes across as needy though, I'm not in the least bit needy ffs! I just am having trouble with never seeing her again, and worried about how i'll cope with nights in on my own depressed thinking about her happy and with someone else. I guess all I can do is improve myself whatever way i can and prove her wrong.

Moomoo1

you shouldn't really go there with the attitude of a dumpee. I mean, you haven't even been dumped yet :-). Go with the attitude of 'she doesn't know what she's going to miss', but don't overdo it.

LegacyUser

well just back from UK having visited herself. Was a nice weekend, more sex than we've ever had i think, and for the most part it was all good. Spoke seriously last night for a bit and she seems pretty sure it's never going to work. She's crying etc, saying she can't do it for another year, I apologised for being an arse in the past etc. I explained how it was killing me that i'd never hear from her again, that we'll pretty much be dead to each other after last night, but if she can live with that that says it all. I guess she doesn't think I'm worth the long distance bother. I could also get a sense that she was going out of her way to be nice, trying to pay for things etc, probably out of guilt, she's made her mind up that's it. I read Wibbs response to another guy dumped by gf here and he said that it's usually that they're just not attracted to you anymore. This has made me think... I wouldn't have thought it but if there was an attraction and a longing this wouldn't happen.

So in conclusion, deleted her number today, i have NO access to it, it was in an email but that's gone too. She's gone from Facebook and deleted/blocked from MSN. So as of now she's dead to me. I'm calm about it now but I don't know how i will cope being on my own at weekends, I'm not interested in other women just yet, I wish there was a pill I could take and she was just gone forever from my thoughts.
I can't help but feel bitter over it, I could never understand how women can just drop guys they claim to love like that so easily, but f**k it, I'll do my best to rise above it and I'm pretty sure she's going to rue her decision some day.

Moomoo1

hmm, that sucks. Would be interesting to see if she ever pops up again, but as you say, you should adopt the attitude that it's her that's missing out here. I don't know, it could be that she saw you beneath her socially, or maybe she really felt she couldn't do LDR (some people aren't really capable of it)...

LegacyUser

ok so this is day 3 of no contact. So far so good, I think, although I'm still depressed over the whole thing. Been exercising a lot, it really helps if you kill yourself at the gym or whatever it is you do for exercise, helps you sleep and take your mind off things. Starting boxing training later too.

Anyway I have a camera I bought for her for her bday which is next month, that she knows about, and I owe her £70 from the weekend. Should I just send it over near her bday, or not send it at all? Should I send a note with it? What should I say, I don't want to give the impression I'm bitter or pining for her? I don't know what to do.
I'm also already having thoughts about calling her, at Christmas or something, but is this a good idea? Should I call her? Why shouldn't she call me?

And finally - a girl I slept with a couple of times before I went away texted me last night, asking me to go for a drink, but I couldn't go last night. I know she's a definite lay, and could probably bang her on Friday night. Is this a good idea? Would it help or just make things worse? I don't really fancy her but she's sound and alright looking and decent in sack. MooMoo thanks for helping me out on this one it's been a great help.

Moomoo1

my pleasure. Yeah, go for the other girl: life's too short to say 'oh I don't know if I can'. And send the English one the present and the money when the time comes. All you need to say is 'happy birthday, I bought this for you over the summer'. Because frankly, you've already said everything else that needed to be said, so no point repeating it again.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

my pleasure. Yeah, go for the other girl: life's too short to say 'oh I don't know if I can'. And send the English one the present and the money when the time comes. All you need to say is 'happy birthday, I bought this for you over the summer'. Because frankly, you've already said everything else that needed to be said, so no point repeating it again.

yeah, i really dont think i'm ready for someone else yet though. I still keep thinking that i'll leave it for a few months, improve myself in the meantime, and then try and see her again somehow. Probably the wrong attitude, but she's so close, and i'm feeling rather unwell without her in my life. This is bad, it seems to come in waves, in the midst of one now, I really feel rejected and useless. How long does this nonsense usually last?

Moomoo1

Until you meet someone else like her. So keep looking ;-).

LegacyUser

ok so I guess my final question is - do I ever contact her again? I feel overwhelmed to email her or call her or do something sometimes. But I think the harsh reality is, if she wanted to hear from me, she would contact me right?
God it's just so hard to live with the fact that she never wants to hear from me ever again, how could I have allowed myself to be so unwanted by someone?

Moomoo1

itsover wrote: »

ok so I guess my final question is - do I ever contact her again? I feel overwhelmed to email her or call her or do something sometimes. But I think the harsh reality is, if she wanted to hear from me, she would contact me right?
God it's just so hard to live with the fact that she never wants to hear from me ever again, how could I have allowed myself to be so unwanted by someone?

I see no reason why you shouldn't contact her at some point (unless she told you not to, ever), but what you shouldn't do is wait around for her. Go and look for a replacement.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I see no reason why you shouldn't contact her at some point (unless she told you not to, ever), but what you shouldn't do is wait around for her. Go and look for a replacement.

no she didn't say that, I'm just having a really bad day today because of all this, and I'm afraid if I call her she'll be just annoyed by me, or i'll seem spineless and weak, but on the other hand if i never call her she might think i'm really angry with her and never want to talk to her again. God I really don't know how I'm going to go on like this , it's ripping me up

themusicman

Hi op

Well done on getting this far, and you got some wonderful advice which you listened to and appreciated.

You sound down today, so whatever you do dont make contact. These are the dark days and if you make contact you will not like yourself, because you will sound down to her.

This will pass, trust me, but not if you give up the no contact phase at the first dark spoy. Love is after all a drug.

Say what you want to here.....there are many wiser people than me who will help you along the way, and keep your distance from her for now. It will pay off!

LegacyUser

themusicman wrote: »

Hi op

Well done on getting this far, and you got some wonderful advice which you listened to and appreciated.

You sound down today, so whatever you do dont make contact. These are the dark days and if you make contact you will not like yourself, because you will sound down to her.

This will pass, trust me, but not if you give up the no contact phase at the first dark spoy. Love is after all a drug.

Say what you want to here.....there are many wiser people than me who will help you along the way, and keep your distance from her for now. It will pay off!

thanks mate. I'm sorry I'm venting here and keeping the thread alive, but i literally have no one to talk to about this, and i know she'll have tonnes of friends to blabber to. The 1 or 2 friends i can talk to are away with work now.

But you're right, calling her now I'd be all depressed and pathetic. Should I just keep going until I feel better about myself, if ever, and then reconsider my situation? I fear this could take a long time. If she's effing around in the meantime I don't really care, I'm no angel either, but I really want to see her again. Plus not contacting her might make her respect me more, or something, I know when a girl I goofed around a few years ago blocked any form of contact from me, I definitely admired her for it.

Moomoo1

itsover wrote: »

no she didn't say that, I'm just having a really bad day today because of all this, and I'm afraid if I call her she'll be just annoyed by me, or i'll seem spineless and weak, but on the other hand if i never call her she might think i'm really angry with her and never want to talk to her again. God I really don't know how I'm going to go on like this , it's ripping me up

was there _any_ sort of understanding regarding contact then?

I don't see why she shouldn't be thinking that you are angry: in fact she'd expect you to be. And you should be angry: you were prepared to make the effort and she was not.

EDIT maybe contact her in a while, 2-3 months maybe.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

was there _any_ sort of understanding regarding contact then?

I don't see why she shouldn't be thinking that you are angry: in fact she'd expect you to be. And you should be angry: you were prepared to make the effort and she was not.

EDIT maybe contact her in a while, 2-3 months maybe.

not really, i think we both just assumed we can't talk to each other anymore, as it's not doing either of us any good. The more I think about it the more it confuses me. I think she may have completely made her mind up about me and has accepted that it's never going to happen, on the other hand i don't know how she could come to a conclusion like that and accept it after all she did for me and all the stuff we did together.
She's stronger than me, I can't imagine that I'm more than a relationship that didn't work for her, and I'm sure she may be a bit sad etc but she can just work through it and enjoy herself etc.
It's not fair, why should I have to suffer alone? I feel like smashing something...

Moomoo1

itsover wrote: »

not really, i think we both just assumed we can't talk to each other anymore, as it's not doing either of us any good. The more I think about it the more it confuses me. I think she may have completely made her mind up about me and has accepted that it's never going to happen, on the other hand i don't know how she could come to a conclusion like that and accept it after all she did for me and all the stuff we did together.
She's stronger than me, I can't imagine that I'm more than a relationship that didn't work for her, and I'm sure she may be a bit sad etc but she can just work through it and enjoy herself etc.
It's not fair, why should I have to suffer alone? I feel like smashing something...

well, maybe you should have come to some sort of arrangement regarding contact.

Anyway, I think you should just bide your time, get on with your life and not think about this. If she contacts you, then write in this thread and we'll see. If she doesn't then maybe contact her in several months to test the water.

I must say, there are a lot of pointers that suggest she might have found someone else she fancied, who unlike you wasn't far away. That would be one explanation for the sudden change in the attitude towards you.

LegacyUser

well, i cracked last night, and called her . It was ok though she sounded happy to hear from me. I explained how I was feeling and she was sympathetic, in conclusion she said we should speak in a few weeks and see how we both feel. I suggested seeing each other again around Xmas time, mid December or something when she will be off from Uni.
She obviously finds it hard to see light at the end of the tunnel and I'm sure if I didn't make the effort she'd just let things go on without me. But I do deserve it in a way, I could have treated her better and been nicer, and I wasn't very nice to be around for a while, and i did reduce her to tears many times, something i'm utterly ashamed of now, and i've told her that. So I can understand where she's coming from. The problem is that I never really took it seriously in the past, thought of her as some kind of temporary thing at times, but recently (before it ended) I began to think different but I didn't say anything and it was probably too late. I also said things about marriage and children etc that would turn any woman off a man, but in truth I wasn't applying those to her.
I know she loves me so maybe this is my turn to do the work and try my best. I will leave her for a few weeks anyway, her bday is 20-something of November so I will try to leave her till then. I reckon by then either she'll have moved on or she'll miss me a lot.
Ever the pessimist i think she'll have moved on but we shall wait and see. I just wish I could change the past and have been a better person around her.

Moomoo1

hmm, you did better than I thought you'd do there. But now you really must wait those few weeks. And keep acting cool. Telling her how you feel is absolutely fine, but only if you do so occasionally.

Maybe wait and see if _she_ ever calls you.

LegacyUser

yeah we haven't chatted since that last phone call and it can be really bad for me sometimes.
To be honest I'm pretty sure if I waited for her to call me I wouldn't hear from her for a long long time. I can't understand how she can just cut off contact like that with her being someone who showed such emotion around me, she obviously has strong feelings for me.
I know it gets easier as time goes on but it's just really sad, I adore her and don't want her to be an old memory and gone forever.
Maybe it's because the ball is in her court that she can accept it, probably knowing that she could remedy things with me if she liked, but she just wants to have fun in her new surroundings with new friends.
I am still drinking too much and am in bits now at work having had a heavy weekend. I just can't sit still at home at night I have too much of this bloody anxiety running through my head and I can't stop thinking about where she is or what she's doing and it literally drives me to drink, after a few glasses of wine i feel fine and relaxed, but it's not a solution.
I wish there was just a pill I could take to help me forget about her. Do you think a doctor would prescribe me valium or xanax or whatever it is cures anxiety?

extra-ordinary_

Hey, it's tough, but drinking isn't going to get you through this.

You're just totally obsessed with her as the dumpee in this situation. You have her placed on a pedestal and presume it's your fault for something you did/didn't do and maybe you can change that 'something'. Your not looking at this fairly - it's all about how great she is and how bad you are/were. This is not the truth. It's not your fault but it is over and you need to move on and think about your own happiness. Don't keep tormenting yourself. You'll find someone else, believe me, you will. Although it's absolute corn - time is a great healer. Ring your friends and let them know that this is really affecting you. Concentrate on yourself. Why did you act the way you did when you were together. Maybe you were unhappy - in yourself or in the relationship. Maybe the relationship wasn't that great!?Find out what was making you unhappy and try and learn from it. You're a great guy who's gonna meet the woman of his dreams. You're going to have to just get through these days but the pain will ease. I know you want to contact her so bad and want to feel that she still wants you - but it's not about her! Rejection is a bitch but try and give yourself every chance of coping with it. Think of yourself more. Look after yourself.

Moomoo1

itsover wrote: »

To be honest I'm pretty sure if I waited for her to call me I wouldn't hear from her for a long long time. I can't understand how she can just cut off contact like that with her being someone who showed such emotion around me, she obviously has strong feelings for me.

you should have asked her that when you saw her last time

daisybelle2008

itsover wrote: »

yeah we haven't chatted since that last phone call and it can be really bad for me sometimes.
To be honest I'm pretty sure if I waited for her to call me I wouldn't hear from her for a long long time. I can't understand how she can just cut off contact like that with her being someone who showed such emotion around me, she obviously has strong feelings for me.
I know it gets easier as time goes on but it's just really sad, I adore her and don't want her to be an old memory and gone forever.
Maybe it's because the ball is in her court that she can accept it, probably knowing that she could remedy things with me if she liked, but she just wants to have fun in her new surroundings with new friends.
I am still drinking too much and am in bits now at work having had a heavy weekend. I just can't sit still at home at night I have too much of this bloody anxiety running through my head and I can't stop thinking about where she is or what she's doing and it literally drives me to drink, after a few glasses of wine i feel fine and relaxed, but it's not a solution.
I wish there was just a pill I could take to help me forget about her. Do you think a doctor would prescribe me valium or xanax or whatever it is cures anxiety?

Xanax/valium do not cure anxiety, they are a temporary measure and just like alcohol are not the solution, you need to deal with it yourself sober. It will get easier and no contact will help. Going to the gym, visiting your friends, flirting/txting other girls will all help you speed up getting to that place. Alcohol/tranq's will only numb you for a while and leave you back to square one emotionally when the effects wear off.

LegacyUser

extra-ordinary_ wrote: »

Hey, it's tough, but drinking isn't going to get you through this.

You're just totally obsessed with her as the dumpee in this situation. You have her placed on a pedestal and presume it's your fault for something you did/didn't do and maybe you can change that 'something'. Your not looking at this fairly - it's all about how great she is and how bad you are/were. This is not the truth. It's not your fault but it is over and you need to move on and think about your own happiness. Don't keep tormenting yourself. You'll find someone else, believe me, you will. Although it's absolute corn - time is a great healer. Ring your friends and let them know that this is really affecting you. Concentrate on yourself. Why did you act the way you did when you were together. Maybe you were unhappy - in yourself or in the relationship. Maybe the relationship wasn't that great!?Find out what was making you unhappy and try and learn from it. You're a great guy who's gonna meet the woman of his dreams. You're going to have to just get through these days but the pain will ease. I know you want to contact her so bad and want to feel that she still wants you - but it's not about her! Rejection is a bitch but try and give yourself every chance of coping with it. Think of yourself more. Look after yourself.

Thanks for the reply. It's nigh impossible to meet girls in Dublin for me so that just wont happen, I never have. Never have a problem meeting girls when I was living abroad, which was for most of my 20s. But here my friends are all settled so i dont meet anyone new through them and I go to bars etc a fair bit but I don't think I've been with a girl in a bar since I was in college, just not my strong point. I do go to night classes, gyms, and keep busy.
I'm a great guy?? well I can't be that great if she fobs me off like this. This is the 3rd girl I have ever loved so I've already 2 failed relationships and now this is no. 3 so there's obviously something wrong with me. I really feel like moving away from here now, that always helped me get over things in the past, but i can't go anywhere for now, I think i'll move to London next year anyway, i've always wanted to live there for a while.

LegacyUser

agh this sucks i really want to call her now, but know I shouldn't!!! Is it just easier for women or the dumper as opposed to the dumpee? God I didn't even do anything wrong really...
I'm so pathetic that in the back of my mind I have some stupid hope that she might realise what's gone after a while and want me back... I know it's lame but I can't help hoping for this.
She did say that we should talk in a few weeks, we'll say mid november or so, so should I call her? What should I say? Should I ask if she wants to meet again?
I've no doubt that by then she'll be quite happy without me though, and talking to me will probably just make her feel bad, guilty etc., sh*t that people don't want to feel.
So I am nothing but a burden to her now if I call her again, like a miserable bloody loser. God.

On the plus side, I've gotten in really good shape recently, and will be insured on my first motorbike tomorrow, something i've always wanted. There's a party I'm going to on Sat night with tonnes of girls, and a girl I hooked up with before will be there that is alright. The only thing is I'll probably spend the whole time worrying what herself is dressed up as, what's she's doing, and who she'll inevitably end up sleeping with...
Why am I so bloody intent on torturing myself?

LegacyUser

right, ok i texted her today asking what she was dressing up as, hours ago, that is all, and no response, and i know she always keeps her phone on her. F*ck it then. C'est fini. What a bitch though. I wish I believed in Karma!

LegacyUser

hi again. Not sure if anyone is even reading this anymore but it's good to write stuff down.
Anyway I did hear from her last thursday night, then we spoke on the phone, usual emotional discussion, and it ended with her telling me she'll call me in a couple of weeks.
Now I haven't contacted her since and I wont.
I have a bday present for her though - what should I say with the note or card? that's in less than 3 weeks from now.

I am telling myself that whatever happens the best thing to do is leave her alone now. Is this the best way to behave? Will this reflect better upon my character? What should I say with the birthday present? Should I ask her if she wants to meet again when she calls me? Last thing i want is to be rejected again, but I also think that with a break for a while and me sorting out the issues i have in the meantime, which I am doing, I really think she might want me if she sees me again.

Moomoo1

some of us have the threads linked to email, so we can't help reading this ;-).

don't call, just send the present. As for message, 'surprise!' would be my favourite. Maybe Happy Birthday as well. Nothing else. She expects something romantic from you, so if it's not that she'll be surprised.

LegacyUser

hmmm, I like the Surprise!!! Thing. I'll just write Surprise!!! Happy bday, E. (My initial!)
Should I ignore her call? She'll probably try to call to thank me. I remember how bad I felt when previous exes ignored my calls after I had broke up with them and it felt AWFUL.
Yes yes... a cunning plan indeed...

LegacyUser

I'm reading it. I stumbled on your thread after an awful fight with my boyfriend, it gave me hope. I know we're in different situations right now but reading about the pain and awful feelings you're having makes me feel like im not the only one hurting, that other people are too, and are coping. Dont stop writing, if you think it helps you.
Sometimes an anti-anxiety drug will help make a really tough day go easier.

Moomoo1

itsover wrote: »

hmmm, I like the Surprise!!! Thing. I'll just write Surprise!!! Happy bday, E. (My initial!)
Should I ignore her call? She'll probably try to call to thank me. I remember how bad I felt when previous exes ignored my calls after I had broke up with them and it felt AWFUL.
Yes yes... a cunning plan indeed...

up to you about the call. But if you do ignore her, have an excuse ready as to why you did it (your phone was dead, or on silent, or something such, and then you never got round to calling back).

LegacyUser

i was thinking this morning. Before I went to live abroad a few years ago, I was going out with a girl that after the first year or so I started to become distant and avoiding her and not answering her calls etc and eventually she got fed up and said she couldn't go out with me anymore. I knew why, it was obvious, I was being a d*ck. Anyway when I did talk to her a couple of months afterwards she told me that she was having a hard time going to work every day, was really depressed, was crying at work, had lost lots of weight, her friends and family were all really concerned etc. And it was all my fault. I felt so awful. So again I made what turned out to be false promises to her and we went out together until I told her i was going to go travelling for a year (turned out to be 3 years) and then she was entitled to be absolutely furious with me, so one day she changed her number, even moved house, closed her emails etc, and I never ever heard from her since.

I felt absolutely awful about it. I don't anymore as when i came back from abroad I mailed her work address and got a bounce back saying she was on maternity leave. So she was better off without me and got what she wanted.

Anyway now I can feel her pain. I'm in a similar boat to her. Feeling unwanted, rejected, ugly, I have lost a stone in weight from having no appetite. But she did the right thing, and so should I.

So I think I've come to a conclusion. I can't communicate with this girl until I'm completely over her and can look at the situation rationally. It still hurts like hell and I miss her dearly but that will pass. I just got to get on with the grieving process.

LegacyUser

me again. Spoke with her last night on the phone, was suggesting seeing each other next month and she suggested maybe her coming here etc and I told her to think about it anyway and she said she'd call me in a few days.

But agh, just got a text today saying "I really need to think about all this for a while i dont want to mess you around. I'll call you in about a week I promise x"

oh no, this means a week of worry. I really dont think she will come out with a positive response in the end... That's my gut feeling... I'd say she may have just agreed to it yesterday as maybe she felt bad or guilty or something. But that fact that she suggested coming here hinted at progress...

It's going to be painful being rejected again but I'm pretty sure next time will be the last at least

Moomoo1

mate... you need to deal with those self-esteem issues. Whataever she decides to do. Remember, by meeting you she won't be doing you a favour.

LegacyUser

Jeez, you sound like a right charmer...... I don't blame the girl for finishing it. You said you treated her badly when you were together and realised too late, no wonder she wanted to end it. And you're so heartbroken that you're on an internet message board asking advice whether you should 'bang' some other girl.... you also seem a bit obsessed about your body image. Unhealthily so. Did you like her for who she was, or for the sex? I say let this girl move on with her life and leave her alone. You'll get over it. I don't think you know what heartbreak actually is.