read letter to husband not from me.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. My toddler found a letter in my husbands stuff and handed it to me, I just thought that it must be one I wrote to him as my husband has many notes and letter I've written him since we were dating. I saw the writing wasn't mine and it was dated a few months ago and so against my better nature I read the letter.

It was a long letter 8 a4 pages from a girl to my husband, she didn't sign her name. It is clear from the letter that there is no relationship between them, she is just writing about her feelings ( about life, not about my husband) as if he is a close confident. It is obvious from the letter that they are in touch all the time via email and text.

I feel bad for reading it as I know I probably shouldn't but Im shaking here writing this, I feel a bit hurt that someone is confiding in my husband so much and more than that that I don't know anything about it. I think I'm an understanding wife, If he has friends that are girls that is fine, but I would like to know about them. Im very honest about all aspects of my life with him.

Ill obviously confront him about it, but what I'm asking from an external perspective is, am I being ridiculous to be upset and unnerved by this? I'm afraid that if I bring it up it will become about 1) I shouldn't have read the letter and 2) that they are not in a relationship with each other so he has done nothing wrong.

Evil-p

Hi op,

TBH I don't think you are being ridiculous. It is possible to be emotionally unfaithful to someone. If your husband has forged a bond with another women i think it is something that you need to know about. The main issue i would have with this is the lack of transperancy. He should have told you. Prehaps you and him don't talk the way you used to and he needs an outlet for his emotions. I think you just need to speak to him and explain your hurt. I think that with an open honest conversation this can be fixed but you need to establish how how he came into contact with this women and what the purpose of the communication is. This is a very hurtful situation. I don't think you did wring by reading the letter. You didn't go looking for it and few people would be able to put that letter down and not read once they realised the content.

I hope this works out hon!

kenbrady

amiwrong wrote: »

My toddler found a letter in my husbands stuff and handed it to me

toddler found it, I believe you

amiwrong wrote: »

I feel a bit hurt that someone is confiding in my husband so much and more than that that I don't know anything about it.

You feel hurt because

a) you think your husband has a strong relationship with another woman and that he confides/shares his thoughts with her.
b) you think he is keeping this relationship secret from you, so he shares stuff with her, but he won't share her stuff with you.

That can be what they call emotional cheating, some people think it's a big deal others don't. It only becomes an issue when it's with a woman not a man.
Woman usually tell their partners everything, even secrets their girlfriends tell them, men don't, they will keep secret with their mates from their girlfriends.

Honestly anyone who sends someone an 8 page A4 letter is not just a friend, also 8 pages they must have a lot of issues/problems.

Colonel_McCoy

Could it be from his sister, cousin or aunt?

syklops

If she didnt sign her name how do you know it was from a woman? Assuming she was talking from the first person it would be "I feel like this" or "I did this", or if including your husband in it, it would be "we did this" and "we did that".

What made you think it was from a woman?

Also, as Colonel McCoy said, could it be from a female(or male) relative. Perhaps someone he has not seen in many years. I, personally, have many male and female relatives whom I have not seen since I was 15 or even younger, but I still know if I was in trouble I could confide in them.

minidazzler

OP, you don't know anything about it because she CONFIDED in him. The key word here is Confide, as in Confidence, to tell a secret. To tell you would be to betray her.

I regularily help people out with emotional problems even people who are in LTR's, because they need help. I assume your Husband is the same.

You are being TOTALLY ridiculous about this. He is not having an affair he is simply being there for another woman in a friendship role.

Confront him all you want, but TBH it's you that is in the wrong here. You should have scanned through the letter for a reference to an inappropriate relationship but other than that you should not have read it.

Aloysius Flyte

minidazzler wrote: »

OP, you don't know anything about it because she CONFIDED in him. The key word here is Confide, as in Confidence, to tell a secret. To tell you would be to betray her.

I regularily help people out with emotional problems even people who are in LTR's, because they need help. I assume your Husband is the same.

You are being TOTALLY ridiculous about this. He is not having an affair he is simply being there for another woman in a friendship role.

Confront him all you want, but TBH it's you that is in the wrong here. You should have scanned through the letter for a reference to an inappropriate relationship but other than that you should not have read it.

You're having a laugh aren't you?

OP. Please ignore that post. Obviously written by someone who doesn't have any understanding what a committed relationship is all about.

You are right to be concerned and miffed, but there could be a very simple and innocent explanation. Talk to your husband.

fuzzywiggle

I agree with the above post. Of course you have the right to be a bit miffed, he seems to be best friends with some girl and you don't even know of her existence? He is your husband and you definitely have a right to know.

stackerman

minidazzler wrote: »

OP, you don't know anything about it because she CONFIDED in him. The key word here is Confide, as in Confidence, to tell a secret. To tell you would be to betray her.

I regularily help people out with emotional problems even people who are in LTR's, because they need help. I assume your Husband is the same.

You are being TOTALLY ridiculous about this. He is not having an affair he is simply being there for another woman in a friendship role.

Confront him all you want, but TBH it's you that is in the wrong here. You should have scanned through the letter for a reference to an inappropriate relationship but other than that you should not have read it.

Gota agree 100% with minidazzler
He's done nothing wrong

Would it be different if it was a man who confided in him, you either trust your husband or you dont. You said yourself there is nothing going on, so whats the problem ?

syklops

I'd like to reiterate my question, how does the OP know its a woman?

I've been going it over in my head, and short of the letter opening with "Remember I told you I am a waitress...", or reffered to someone in a gender specific manner, such as My husband, my Boyfriend, etc. I cant think of how the OP could tell from text in the first person that the writer was a woman.

As for whether he is in the wrong, well the OP did not mention anything of an inappropriate nature. She did not say the theme of the letter was in anyway of a romantic, personal, or sexual nature, merely, someone confiding in him.

username123

Agree with some, disagree with some posts here.

Would be interested in hearing some more context - OP, does your husband work in a 'people' type job that might encourage confidants, is he a doctor, counseller etc?
How do you know it was from a woman?
If it was purely about life, thoughts, feelings etc.. and there are no inappropriate, sexual or romantic references then what exactly is the worry? Seeing as you dont know who it is from perhaps it is from someone whom you already know your husband has a friendship with?
It could certainly be from a relative, or perhaps an old friend?

I think you do need to speak to your husband about this if it has upset you so much - in a marriage people need to be able to communicate openly and share worries.

Its possibly/probably an innocent relationship or confidant - not something sinister.

I wish you all the best.

Edited to add: If the letter was so easy to stumble across then I would really feel that he was not trying to hide anything from you. You can also cite that to him about reading it, your toddler came across it, you took it off toddler, glanced at it, thought it was from you and took a look - its not a terrible thing you did at all - very normal I would think.
Also just because there is no romantic relationship involved - you still have the right to feel annoyed or upset, your feelings are your own.

But discuss it with him before drawing any conclusions.

DigiGal

kenbrady wrote: »

toddler found it, I believe you


You feel hurt because

a) you think your husband has a strong relationship with another woman and that he confides/shares his thoughts with her.
b) you think he is keeping this relationship secret from you, so he shares stuff with her, but he won't share her stuff with you.

That can be what they call emotional cheating, some people think it's a big deal others don't. It only becomes an issue when it's with a woman not a man.
Woman usually tell their partners everything, even secrets their girlfriends tell them, men don't, they will keep secret with their mates from their girlfriends.

Honestly anyone who sends someone an 8 page A4 letter is not just a friend, also 8 pages they must have a lot of issues/problems.

No need for the "I believe you" part...
OP not looking for smart arse replies imo,

Taltos

I with minidazzler and username123 on this.
Not enough context or content for me to really give any worthwhile contribution.

However - just going on what is in there - we all could be tarred with the same brush - ie being there to listen to someone. Difference of course being we do not know the person - but does he? Again context.

Too little information makes for huge assumptions...

LegacyUser

op here again. Talked to my husband. It is from a woman ( she talked about a male x of hers in the letter and about her weight, her thighs and nails) all very female things.

Anyway there is nothing going on, which I knew, they are friends, but to be honest he has only been mentioning her recently as a friend -- as in the day before the letter was found.

He wasn't trying to hide the letter,after he got it he said he felt it was inappropriate and told the girl as such. Then he just put it in his back pocket forgot about it and emptied his back pocket into his drawers as he does with everything in his pockets on occasion.

He is a good man and I love him, Im still very hurt as when I confronted him over it, he refused to tell me who it was who had written it and the circumstances around it. This to me made it into a bigger deal than it needed to be and so am hurt and angry that for his own reasons would keep this girls confidence to such a degree, when I was clearly hurting. He has since told me everything.

I've been through so many emotions yesterday which is very hard when you've kids to look after. I want to get through this, I really do, I wish it had never happened or he had destroyed the letter for me never to find, or if he had have told me about the letter rather than our child finding it. But you can't turn back time. I know he is hurting too over this and in a way I feel sorry for him.

dogbert27

amiwrong wrote: »

It was a long letter 8 a4 pages from a girl to my husband, she didn't sign her name.

As people are asking. If a name wasn't signed can you tell us how it is a girl?

amiwrong wrote: »

It is clear from the letter that there is no relationship between them,

How?

amiwrong wrote: »

she is just writing about her feelings ( about life, not about my husband) as if he is a close confident.

So it's just one person with life problems corresponding to a supposed friend.

amiwrong wrote: »

It is obvious from the letter that they are in touch all the time via email and text.

How is it obvious? Will you now want to see those e-mails and texts if they are there?

amiwrong wrote: »

Ill obviously confront him about it, but what I'm asking from an external perspective is, am I being ridiculous to be upset and unnerved by this? I'm afraid that if I bring it up it will become about 1) I shouldn't have read the letter and 2) that they are not in a relationship with each other so he has done nothing wrong.

When you confront him are you going to tell him that you came on boards.ie to look for advice on this personal issue?

eviltwin

I would feel very uncomfortable not with the fact that there was a letter in the first place but the fact that he had kept it at all

I have male friends I talk to and they sometimes come to me for advice...if one of them decided to write to me I would tell my husband. Might not show him the letter if it contained private info the other person might not want to share but I would not keep it months after the fact not having said anything.

It probably is something very innocent but I agree with the other posters that an 8 page letter regardless of content seems a bit weird.

Giblet

Eh, if someone is writing 8 pages about their life, you can assume that there might be some gender specific stuff in there. Jesus, calm down Columbo.

She might mention a girls night out, or a boyfriend or something, or talk about wanting a husband or something.

txt_mess

I wouldn't be worried unless the letter has something specific in it that leads you to think their is more to your husbands freindship with this girl then it is just that a friendship.

The letter wasn't written to you , it's from a friend who happens to be a girl , it's about boring life stuff ( from what you have said so far ) so I really don't see the big deal here. Poeple with supicious minds or people who have been cheated on before might see this as a big warning thing but thats because their minds are already made up once they hear guy gets letter from girl.

Reading the fact that you trust your husband it should be a case of it's a letter from a friend whether it's a girl or not if it had been from a guy would you assume a relationship there.

As for him only recently mentioning the friend he did ! so saying afterwards that he only recently mentioned her as some sort of negative is wrong. I have plenty of friends in work that I have known for more years then my wife has she ever met them no do I mention them not really does it matter no - they're friend's.

dogbert27

Hi OP, I sent my post at the same time you came back so obviously all questions answered!

You said he mentioned her before you found the letter, so he did mention her to you.

He also told this other girl that the letter was inappropriate so he did the right thing there.

You said he dumped the letter in a drawer when emptying his pockets. I do this all the time to (emptying pockets in the drawer when I get home without actually looking at what I'm throwing in the drawer) so it is possible he just dumped it in there and forgot about it. (I found receipts from 3 years ago the other week!)

We all make connections with people at work that we don't share completely with our other halfs. This girl took it too far and your husband told her so. You say he's a good guy and he was probably trying to be a good guy by keeping this girls confidential stuff confidential. Why would he come home and tell you this girl at work just gave him an 8 page letter about her lifes problems only to be quizzed by you with regard to why a girl would be telling him such things and having to defend himself. He did what any guy would do and ignored the whole situation after he felt he had dealt with it by telling her her actions were inappropriate.

I'm sure he was thinking of the kids too when he didn't bring up the subject with you as it would have led to tension between you for something that he sees as of no importance.

His only fault here is that he emptied his pockets in the drawer without looking at what he was throwing in there. Give the guy a break.

seahorse

Anyone who writes an unsigned eight A4-sized page letter to a married man on general personal issues such as thighs and nails has a few screws loose, in my opinion.

LegacyUser

dogbert27 wrote: »

When you confront him are you going to tell him that you came on boards.ie to look for advice on this personal issue?

Yes I did tell him and he has read it.

I agree that she must have a few issues to be doing something so stupid, but she only did it the once at least she stopped when my husband brought her up on it.

This whole issue ruined my day yesterday and I'm determined not to let the silly ramblings of a messed up girl ruin any more of my days.

Thanks for the advice, it helps to see things from other peoples perspectives. I would appreciate if a moderator would close this issue now, so that I can look forward and not back.

iguana

seahorse wrote: »

Anyone who writes an unsigned eight A4-sized page letter to a married man on general personal issues such as thighs and nails has a few screws loose, in my opinion.

Well she might do and the letter was a cry for help. There are people with severe metal problems and that doesn't mean that they don't deserve help.

OP, if I was you I would be quite upset. My husband has a female friend who has some mental problems and in the past she has turned to him for help. If he didn't tell me what was going on it would upset me. I wouldn't expect him to tell me the details, if she told him things that he felt it would be betraying his trust to pass on, but I would expect him to tell me that he was helping her. Partly because it's the type of thing he should share with me and partly because he would be under stress and I would expect him to need me to support him.

The thing to remember though, is that as cliched as it sounds, men and women can have a different perspective on things and he probably compartmentalised this situation as being completely separate from your marriage. I would suggest explaining to him exactly what is upsetting you in a calm manner but also understanding that he was just doing what he thought best in a tough situation and probably didn't want to worry you.

seahorse

iguana wrote: »

Well she might do and the letter was a cry for help. There are people with severe metal problems and that doesn't mean that they don't deserve help.

They do, yes - from mental health professionals.

Beruthiel

seahorse wrote: »

They do, yes - from mental health professionals.

Agreed.
Something very odd about that.

OP, your husband should tell her he is not qualified to give her the help she needs and he should suggest she finds herself a professional.

Boskowski

I find the OP behavior very odd and also the opinions of most of the other posters here.

For starters I find the 'toddler found a letter' the day after said friend was mentioned for the first time ever highly dubious to begin with. I'd like to believe the OP actually sniffed the letter out. But I'll give the OP the benefit of the doubt (for the moment and not comfortably).

OP clearly stated that it was very obvious from the letter that 'nothing' was going on. It's just been a very close , confiding friendship. With that stated I find it very very disturbing that it actually makes a difference to the OP and to a lot of posters here of what gender said friend is.

You may have married that man but you don't own him. He is still a person in his own right and entitled to have close friends. Even very close ones. To call this emotional betrayal is ridiculous in my view. You'd never say that if the letter was from a man.

I think you're in the wrong here and you don't get any sympathy from me for your intrusive behavior and the distress it has brought upon you.

seahorse

OP, I think the best advice you're going to get on this thread is to ignore the post above. Also, I'd go the route of telling your husband he ought to advise this person to get professional help, as has been suggested here. Her behaviour is "inappropriate", as your husband himself said, and beyond that it is also deeply odd. If a colleague of mine sent me a letter like that I'd be taking it to the HR department.

As for couples having friends: all normal couples have friends. Secret friends now, that’s another thing. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the fact that you never heard a word about this woman till it got to the point where she felt comfortable sending your husband such bizarre and lengthy letters.

Boskowski

seahorse wrote: »

OP, I think the best advice you're going to get on this thread is to ignore the post above. ... Her behaviour is "inappropriate", as your husband himself said, and beyond that it is also deeply odd. If a colleague of mine sent me a letter like that I'd be taking it to the HR department.

Lol, whats the world come to eh? Taking it to HR department? You seem to have a few issues yourself if you honestly think that's the right course of action...

CDfm

OP - have you concidered that you may be asking him to break a confidence which he feels ethically bound by.

Now I feel you are and this is you exerting power over him.

I have a few female friends and who may from time to time tell me private stuff that my OH has no right to know.

You say he is a good guy but you are putting his integrity on the line.

I have been in this situation with an ex - not nice.

dogbert27

amiwrong wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, it helps to see things from other peoples perspectives. I would appreciate if a moderator would close this issue now, so that I can look forward and not back.

I think the OP is finished with this thread. Is there a point to keep it going?

CDfm

dogbert27 wrote: »

I think the OP is finished with this thread. Is there a point to keep it going?

maybe the OP has seen points of view she doesnt like and just came on to look at the replies that confirmed her point of view.

Poor hubby - I wonder what he would post

Boskowski

CDfm wrote: »

Now I feel you are and this is you exerting power over him.

Absolutely. I bet any money if the genders were reversed on this one we'd be reading posts to the effect of 'controlling issues much?'.

Silverfish

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Thread closed at OP's request.