In love but rship collapsing - support?

LegacyUser

Hi all

I have looked at the resources stickie but maybe some one would have personal knowledge they could share with me

I'm with a guy for what I would consider along time and his behaviour is getting more and more distructive.. The thing is I have no doubt he loves me, I have no doubt I'm the most significant rship he has had, may ever have - we both agree here. But his behaviour is such that specific behaviour woudl not be forgiveable by a partner I guess. The thing is of course thats the reason behind much of this behaviour, trying to make it so I will end it , or it will simply collapse, and the reason for this relates to how difficult it would be for him to see himself in a same sex relationship.

I am not talking about denial here, at least not as a throw away remark, but a complex situation.

He cares immensely , to an extent that overwhelms me but these occasional behaviours are hurtful beyond belief. I need to know if there is some one we can talk to so its resolved - I think being objective he needs to be more open in the rest of is life about my part in his life, something akin to coming out I guess, but not exactly .

He would probably do that for me, but I don't want to make that choice for him, and he is overwhelmed with conflicts, including cultural and family.

Is there some one profession he or we could speak to so at least we idenift that this is what is causing the behaviour. After that I suppose he deicdes which road to take.


I guess there are counsellors etc, but I imagine more some one empathic to how he feels the gay bit, the culture but etc

I know some good person might tell me he will never chage, or that forgiving him means is wrogn for my own health and so for

But I can't emphasise enought the love is genuine, and would win through but he/we lack resources. I find it difficult to forgive him and not wonder am I just allowing myself be hurt etc etc. Two things I knwo though that if he was family I would forgive him, and in my life he is family, and sadly also that splittign up is definitely the easiest thing

So is there some kind of I dunno support available, but it would need to be urgent, this has being building for months and my world is collapsing rapidly

LegacyUser

any -one ?

Sorry, its a little odd just both of of us check here often to see is there some magic answer

I was surprised he was so willing to find some one we could talk to as that very act means him accepting somethign that , oh its too hard to explain here

Hmm_Messiah

Maybe try MRCS.ie

Dwn Wth Vwls

Your post is pretty vague. Surely it can't be that hard to explain here? You're two men in a relationship, and your partner is doing something that hurts you. He's not out and your relationship is a secret. He has some sort of cultural or religious conflict with being in a same sex relationship. Is it sleeping with other people? Violence?

Beruthiel

OP
I did read your thread when you first posted it.
However, as has been said above, it is so vague that it's difficult to comment.
We can only make a guess as to what's going on.

lotsoftears wrote: »

But his behaviour is such that specific behaviour woudl not be forgiveable by a partner I guess.

Is he cheating on you?

the reason for this relates to how difficult it would be for him to see himself in a same sex relationship.

He's gay but cannot admit it to himself?
Or to others?
Or he feels he needs to be 'normal' with a wife, 2.5 kids and a dog?
What?

I am not talking about denial here, at least not as a throw away remark, but a complex situation.

So my above guesses are way off?

I need to know if there is some one we can talk to so its resolved

Why can you not find a professional who can help you/him?

I think being objective he needs to be more open in the rest of is life about my part in his life, something akin to coming out I guess, but not exactly .

What is stopping him from coming out?

cultural and family.

He is from another country where gay people are not accepted?

After that I suppose he deicdes which road to take.

There is one fact that cannot be denied in all of this - until he is true to himself, until he can love himself as he is, until he is honest with himself and until he can live the life his heart desires, he will live a long and miserable life.
What, at the end of the day, is the point of that?
Life is wonderful when you can accept and love yourself.
Get him the professional help he needs so he can reach that point.

I know some good person might tell me he will never chage

Of course he can change, if he truly wants to.

LegacyUser

Hi again - I did not mean to be so vague other than trying not to confuse things with details which may have strayed from my concern

My concern - basically is there some professional person who might be able to advise on his behaviour for his/my sake? and on my choices if I forgive him (i.e does forgiveness really have a chance of working out.)

In some way I would feel better if he answered these, as I know he did look to see if any responses etc.

I appreciate Beruthiels response and will try be clearer answering that, though in some ways Dwn with Vwls summed it up - from the outside at least.

1. its not that he "is" cheating on me, but the behaviour culminated in being tempted to, and then recently doing so in away that over whelms me, the degree to which he betrayed me. The extent of the betrayal made me wonder if instead of just being a selfish pr*ck it was in some way an attempt to make the rship unsustainable.

Why would he want that ?- because he was living two lives in many many ways and over recent times the pressure was obvious and real.

The cheating would be maybe the one block to us working through the situation, but the conversations afterwards, raw and honest ,made other things moe significant. I think the behaviour does relate to how difficult he copes with the life he finds himself in. I might seem like I am making excuses to forgive him, but I don't think so. How a few days could happen that undermined years and years of being good to me

2. much of what Beruthiel says but not exactly. Again i would prefer he could give his own view, maybe he will, so this is how I see it -
It is not that he can't admit he is gay - we are not. We are I guess bisexual, but have no difficult accepting this rship is a gay one. His problem is in some way accepting how that fits into his life and what is expected of him, or what he would of hoped for as he was growing up

He would not admit it to his family or friends that he is in a relationship with me, other than some friends who are gay I guess. The admission to his family is I think a crucial thing. Not that he is gay - but that i exist and that he loves a person and is loved by them. There is no real prospect of his family accepting that we are both blokes - and not accepting it would affect a lot of interactions with home, property, and the fact his grandmother is old and he would not want to be estranged, and more , the usual complexities of family units. He would be happy with saying his family is dysfunctional in many ways.

He does want the "normal life", to be honest I'd wish it myself. Not necessarily a wife, as he meets all my emotional needs, but the children etc .

You don't mention it but I guess also somewhere is the roles played, he has no "hetero" outlet, but more primally no well shagging outlet. Its not an overwhelming importance as i understand us, but is no doubt a frustration . I am not minimising what that means in the realily of a physical relationship

3. Your guesses are not off the mark, but equally he is NOT in denial, just not able to date to match how he feels , for me, the fullness of who he is into a life he just cannot see it fitting. He has no problem being my partner in my life, with my family, nieces etc. He does not deny any feelings, nor any attitude he has, the problem is they conflict with each other. So do my own, but I am older and have less to deal with in my life

4. This is what i was asking - is there a professional. maybe MRCS is a solution. I was asking are there couples counsellors who can encompass whats going on , and empathic to two guys, it seems there are, so wondered also if any one had experience of a particular service that would help. I hope I've made sense

That he would be willing to talk to some one about "us" is indicative I think that he is not in denial, and that his behaviour while destructive , might not be a total disregard of me.

He has also visited doctors/hospitals etc as my partner , so to that degree there is no denial - its his family , and some way his culture

5. 1 thing stopping him from coming out is the not being gay bit I guess if that makes sense - coming out as bisexual adds to the confusion in his head maybe ! I really don't like the labels things, but its in part that he can't find words to describe accurately who he is.

I guess though something stops him "coming out" in as much as being open about me in his life. What stops him here is his family and how it would implode. And Also some cultural stuff - he is of Eastern/orthodox culture etc. But please understand he knows he cannot maintain a dual life, and I think its this very thing that caused the destructive behaviour

If so maybe his cheating etc can be overcome if it was a reaction to this impossible situation, and then the situation improved by him embracing the full reality of his life

I don't think that the cheating reflects as significantly on his affection for me . I know people might think I am kidding myself, but his life has never connected sex and love, I am the only man he has had a loving relationship with, and I think the cheating, while it wrecks my heart, was not just selfish being a bastard. If that makes sense

I might be decieving myself, I don't think so, but maybe. He told me the news and did not hope for a reconciliation, in any way.
It was me who thought this was an extreme building on the conflict from so long, and who wanted to explore what it was - to be fair (if thats the word) he gave hours upon hours in the following days talking and listening , in the hope fo making me more peaceful, with out hoping for any outcome other than lessening my hurt where he could of just left.

He is not the most caring person, well most emotional, he seems to use his head more than his emotions, but this is something he would be willing too work on . When i met him he was exactly as i understood his people were, the stereotype - cold, unemotional, not really involved in any ones life other than their own, and a total separation of physicality and affection.

Being that then, he has become a sensitive person, or always was but chose coldness, and I see real and sincere suffering - in as much as this is a subjective thing I guess people will just have to believe that

6 yes other country where its a major issue, but again its more how this impacts his family, and of course learned attitudes as he grew up

7 this bit you wrote are the cloest to the truth, and I hope he reads them and they might give him some strength to continue a process he has started. We are over, it pains me, but its possible if there were real, concrete ,changes ( fundemental) then I don't know. I care for him greatly , and have not a doubt, despite being betrayed so f**king massively, that he loves me , maybe more than his mind let's be Ok for now.

But I am not minimising the awful behaviour, but if you love some one isn't possible to empathise, even if you bear the hurt ? I dunno maybe its too much. But this brings me back to think he chose something "too much" as was easier than chosing this side of his life. Having lived my own life I don't want him, or me, to lose out on real love because the world we live in is sometimes so hard

I think talking to some one would help him, and help me, as our relationship is not one I'd have chosen if you can understand me , I genuinely miss the "normality of wife and kids ( but please don't argue about "normality" i understand it all hence the "" )

8 your last line is the most optimistic to me. He has changed already as I've know him. As I have I , he has made me better. Maybe people are not meant to do that but he has, i am a better person because of him, and happier and more hopeful ( other than this massive crisis)


God I wrote a lot! Sorry, but this was so important to me. The thing is saying its over also gives me some peace, but only because it is easier. That's sad to say. We might never work, we always knew that , but if it was the case that this disaster at least stems from the dual life struggle, and following that that he could move to joining those lives, there is definitely definitely countless happy adventures we would still have . My friends and familt think he was a greatinfluence in my life - hard to match that to the fk up I am now in

thanks for the patience
it is strange to declare so much here, but its useful for me to externalise it. My head was overburdened. Thanks again. PAX