Unemployed BF turning to drink :(

Elphaba

Hi all, Any help on this would be much appreciated. Myself and my boyfriend are together 3 years but something has rocked the bota in terms of us being a happy couple lately. He lost his job in Feb and hasn't gotten anything else since. This is not the problem, his mam doesn't be well and he gets stressed over that and the result is that he's now finding comfort in drinking and it's gotten out of hand. Last night we had a talk about it but he was on his second bottle of wine and we said we'd talk about it properly (soberly) this evening. His Dad (who died a few years ago) was an alcoholic and the bf said last night there's a 50% chance of him becoming one too liek it was a done deal. He says he knows he drinks too much and he seems to need a drink every night before he goes asleep but in the same breath says he has it under control. He's staying up will 4 and 5 in the morning watching tele and drinking and then staying in bed hlaf the next day. He says he needs structure but I don't know how to help him. He joined a gym a while ago and he goes about every second day.

I have no experience at all of dealing with anything like this. I know he has to do it for himself and I can't do it for him but I'm just wondering what I should be doing to help? It wasn't an arguement we had last night, just listened to what each other had to say but then I couldn't stop crying when I got into bed cos I just want thim to be ok and to get back on track. He said once he gets a job everything will be ok again but obviously he can't hold his breath for that and in my opinion needs to sort it out now cos it's affecting us. He's on the dole but has not mortgage or bills so is throwing his money away on drink.

Any help much appreciated.

Taltos

Hi there Elphaba - this is absolutely rotten for you both.

But I think that your talk last night was a great start.
Please do try to talk to him about this again when sober.
There are lots of orgs out there to help people like you and your OH, and the big thing here is that this is not that uncommon. I am not saying that to make you think it happens all the time - just saying it so that you are not alone in what you are going through and that these orgs can really help you. - BUT only if you both want a change.

I too have a parent who is an alcoholic - though a recovering one for a while now. And sometimes I too think that it would be too easy for me to head down the same route. Knowing/Thinking this (whether medically true or not) your BF needs to try to take some control. His late nights, sleeping in etc will not help him find a job. In fact none of this is going to make it easy for him at all - when or if he does get an interview - will he turn up with a hangover etc? Will they smell the alcohol from him etc...

Definitely encourage him to talk to a professional. Right now the alcohol is a crutch for his inner torment - joblessness & now sick family member. But all it is doing his masking what is going on and stopping him really dealing with the issues here.

In the long run - this is a path to disaster not only for him but for you too.

Really hope you both sort this out - it is possible - just takes determination and help - so make sure you look for it.

Elphaba

Thanks for your reply. It helps to hear advice from someone who knows a bit more than me. I'm glad we talked last night but I have a fear in the back of my mind that he was half just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Hopefully we will have a good talk this evening and be able to air everything. I hate big serious talks!

Taltos

Know what you mean about serious talks - I tend to shy away from them too. But if you want things to improve sometimes you just gotta do the one thing you hate.

Maybe use sometime today to look at some of the links out there - Alanon etc.

But with issues like this you just have to tackle them head on. The important thing here is that he realises that his actions / decisions do not just impact him - they also impact you. Saying that however - there is only so much you will be able to do here - the real decision to change here has to come from him and no hounding by anyone will change this.

Be firm - be strong - and let him know you love him. Just don't think you have to do it all alone. By keeping it quiet or dealing just between the two of you - you could inadvertently become his enabler - seek prof help if he will not change, or take some time alone to think if you can see yourself still with this person in 10 yrs time. I am not saying leave him - I am just saying you are only responsible for yourself and your own happiness and sometimes we have to do the one thing we thought we would never do just to make sure we are safe and healthy ourselves.

Elphaba

Thanks guys. Hopefully it will go well this evening. He's usually a lot more open (like a lot of people I suppose) when he has had a few drinks so I'm just hoping he wont close up and become defensive this evening.

He had a job as a sales rep and when he was made redundant first he was really looking for another job but as time has gone on the will has fizzled out and I have to say I don't know what I'd do in that situation, I can see it's so hard to try to stay positive when you don't even receive replys when you send out a heap of cvs. This kinda makes me panic cos I can't see a job coming his way anytime soon (I'd never say that to him of course) so it's going to be harder for him to sort this out when he doesn't have anythign to do for most of the day. I'm not a praying kind of person at all but I'm even saying prayers now for him to get a job! Thanks for listening.

Taltos

I was out of work one stage for 9 mts - roughest time of my relationship with my now wife - talk about fights...
Loads of rejections - loads of no replies.

Towards the end I got on a FAS course (don't laugh with whats in the news right now) - 3 wks later I had 3 interviews and 2 job offers.... Ended up leaving the course early to take one of these jobs - not quite the job I was looking for but it was a stepping stone to the next one.

Also to keep busy - what about volunteering say at a local dog shelter - walking the animals - cleaning the cages etc.

Sometimes prospective employers are more interested in what you have been doing while out of work than what you did in your last role - especially after such a prolonged break.

Elphaba

That's a great idea and he's always saying he'd love a dog (but living in apartment) so it would be perfect if he could do something like that. I'm gonna see can I find any contacts online at lunch time. Good point aswell about prospective employers being interested in what people have been doing with their time off. I'd never thought about that before but it makes perfect sense. I feel like things are already looking up.