Is he a meanie?

LegacyUser

Just a question for the fellas!! I've been going out with a good friend of mine for 4 months or so now, all going well, he treats me great etc. But from what I see, his history with women hasn't always been so nice. I know he's cheated on several girls in the past and also a few girls are a bit angry with him for the way he treated them last year. One of them, he started seeing casually after he broke up with his ex. She wanted more but he just wanted a fling and dumped her after a couple of weeks. Another girl was a colleague who confessed to liking him at a work drinks, told him she'd like to go out with him (she's from another country where dating is very different to here). He told her no, she kept flirting and they ended up going back to hers and slept together. He told her several times it was just the one night and she agreed, but obviously he knew she was hoping for more. He thinks that he didn't take advantage as he made it clear it was one night. Why is this my business - well the girl tells me at every opportunity how mean he was to her etc! It does seem a bit mean, but was he just being a fella? He's not sneaky or anything, he's been honest about everything, but I'm just wondering about his morals/character. What do you think?

minidazzler

If he says up front what his place in the relationship is then NO he is not being mean, if they can't handle that then it's on the girl not him.

However, if he lie's and manipulates, he's a cnut. But if what you know about it is accurate it sounds like he was up front and honest.

They feel hurt because they read more into the relationship than he was willing to give. Their fault not his.

G-Money

Well if he told the girl repeatedly it was just a one night thing and she agreed, while she might have wanted more, he didn't really do much wrong. If she wasn't ok with it she shouldn't have agreed to it. Pretty simple.

If he starts treating you bad, then that's a whole different story.

My advice is to take what the others said with a pinch of salt. Often when people give advice, it's with their own interests at heart, not those of the person they are giving the advice to. By all means be wary and don't let him mess you around. But I wouldn't necessarily let hearsay and gossip ruin things.

Darthhoob

he was a bit mean imo, he may have SAID to her that he wanted noting more..fair enough...but sleeping with someone you know has feelings for you is messing with people's feelings. but it isn't like she is not at fault there (more so than him really...she let him have his cake and eat it)

but as someone said, go by how he treats YOU not others really, even if he WAS a total bastard to others that doesn't mean he will be to you. seems ok so far yeah? go with the flow

Oh The Humanity

Hm, the girl was told her didn't want anything more yet she still slept with him hoping to change his mind. Now she did put out her hand to be slapped there.

A lot of peoples attitudes would be 'buyer beware' as in: she knew what she was getting but denied it to herself and is now going around badmouthing him as if he somehow misled her.

He didn't.

BUT, and this is the big but, that's all very well until you are on the receiving end. Although he technically did nothing wrong. I would agree with Sunflower a nice person doesn't sleep with someone they know is into them in a more serious way.

It's not big and its not clever. I would be a little bit wary of this fella, could be a bit of a me feiner. Now maybe he can flip between user with people he is not serious about and nice guy with you who he is serious about, but just keep your eye on it!

Be wary of the girl too though, why is she repeating this story to you so much one would have to wonder.

LegacyUser

Op here. Hmm well on one hand I think he took advantage, but on the other, he was very clear beforehand that he didn't want anything more. The lady in question is 29, not 19, and has been married before, so IMO she should have known better, she's not a naive teenager. She's going around telling everyone her tale of woe, so it's gotten back to me through various people, and my boyfriend told me as well. He knows how she feels but he thinks because he put a 'disclaimer' on it, that it's fine. On a personal level, I wouldn't sleep with a guy who told me he wasn't interested and then complain about it, but she did and now she obviously feels bad about it. Maybe she thought she'd 'show him' how good in bed she was and then he'd change his mind, who knows?

LegacyUser

If he messed the other girls around, its very likely he will do the same to you... believe me Ive been there. I spent 3 years with a guy that sounds just like the bloke u are seeing. He had a string of hurt girls behind him. He was very nice & honest to me (or so it seemed)

He turned out to be nothing more than a womanising charmer. House devil, street angel.

Now Im on my own and a single mother of a little disabled child and hes back breaking more peoples hearts.

LegacyUser

'Disclaimer' was obviously my word, not his! I mean, as in he told her several times nothing more would be happening and she said that was fine. I was curious as to what people would think about this, as there was a very similar topic posted here recently, from a girl in the same position as the girl he was with, and almost everyone said he was decent to tell her he didn't want more, and that it was her problem if she didn't listen. I can sort of see both sides of the coin.....

shellyboo

If she said it was fine, then it's her too bad, I think. It would be different if they'd fallen into bed, one thinking the other wanted something they didn't - but they agreed it would be casual.

Perhaps in an ideal world, he'd have turned her down anyway because he suspected she wasn't on the same page as him even though she agreed to it - but when you're drunk and horny it's not easy to take the moral high ground.

LegacyUser

Yeah that was my first thought shellyboo. He knows it wasn't exactly great but he doesn't feel he did anything wrong per se. I am inclined to think all fellas would have done this, judging by the ones I know. Was just wondering what others thought....

pisslips

Wow, some people take having sex with someone once VERY seriously.

I mean I'd say it was bad form if the repeatedly had sex but two people having sex one night, doesn't obligate either to do anything apart from be sound to each other.

If someone is telling all their and your friend's about you, then you have to make up your mind and show some tact.

Sir Ophiuchus

What I would do is just mentally be aware for any warning signs in his behaviour to you.

Forewarned is forearmed: it's very easy to brush away small slights/offences with "oh he didn't mean it" / "he's not like that really" / "they were both drunk and he didn't mean to cheat" / whatever. You, on the other hand, have reason to fear he might not treat you well.

So if he starts showing worrying behaviour (putting you down, manipulating you, lying, or cheating, among other things) then you won't explain it all away. You will bounce his ass right out.

And if all goes fine betwwen the two of you, you've lost nothing save a bit of worry.