caught off guard and now i feel bad

Escapism

I was on Fbook last night and an old friend of mine was online too. We did a course together years ago and always got on well etc. We'd chat every now and then. He's married now with a child but he says its not really a relationship ( a line, i know!!!).

Last night ... he started to tell me how much he liked me back then (which i kinda knew) and i was flattered and just kind of laughed it off ...

Then he started to ..... well there's no other way to say it 'hit on me' and for some reason i can't explain, i let my guard down (or my morals!!) and went along with the chat and we ended up having the ol' virtual sex!

Its mental! and now i feel bad because he wants to meet up !! I said we could have coffee but he definitely wants more than coffee.

Is this the kind of thing that happens all the time now! Do married people not know they are married!!!

Technically this is not a relationship 'issue' but it was just surreal so I said i'd drop a thread on it.

minidazzler

The Virtual sex I have no problem with.

But Do NOT meet up with him. You know he wants to fcuk you, so don't go. Unless you want to that is.

Do you want to be the "Other woman". He will NOT end up leaving his wife for you. Don't meet up with him for your sanity please.

laura l

sounds like pure escapism to me. nightfeeds, colman's mustard nappies, spew, highly limited social life..funny he hasn't been in touch til now eh?! i think you have him well figured out!

cafecolour

Yeah. I'll second - don't meet up, unless you really enjoy excessive drama and headwrecks.

Colonel_McCoy

Dont meet up as he may be expecting more than a coffee. Stay away

minidazzler

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Dont meet up as he may be expecting more than a coffee. Stay away

Very true, in fairness why do people think they are asked up for "coffee" by their date after a night out.

OP, ask yourself, if the oppertunity arose would you have sex with this man.

If the answer is yes, then you will get the label of homewrecker (Not off me, I don't like monogamous relationships myself) But you will be labeled it.

ash23

Run away as fast as your legs can carry you.
You got caught up in the "moment" but look at it in the cold harsh light of day. You gave him virtual sex. Now he'll be after the real deal and he'll expect it too. You knew about his wife and child when you had virtual sex with him so he now thinks you're game for an affair.

Do you really want to be friends with such an ass? You've been chatting him on and off and now he wants to meet up? Why now? Eh, because he thinks you'll do him.

And personally, if you meet up with him I would say it would only be a matter of time before it leads to an affair. He'll tell you what you want to hear and you'll get caught up in the moment or the alcohol and be flattered and it'll start with a flirting, chatting online every night, a lingering hug, then a kiss etc etc. Now maybe you're stronger than that and it would be just a coffee. But if you think it's ok to have virtual sex with a married man well, it's not that far removed from the real thing imo.

Like I said, run, don't walk. It's a big ol' mess waiting to happen.

dublingal80

i agree with everyone! dont meet up! but also dont be chatting on facebook with him like that any more. If it starts to go that way just tell him you have to go..
its easy to get emotionally attached over the internet if you are lonely and he can tellyou whatever he wants about his relationship and its so easy to trust him. last thing u want is to get too involved with this

just stay away!!

Beruthiel

Escapism wrote: »

I said we could have coffee but he definitely wants more than coffee.

Considering you know this, why exactly are you offering to meet up with him?
I suggest you go away and think that one through to it's obvious conclusion.

Beetlebum

You don't mention in your post if you are married yourself or if you have kids but how you could have sex with a married Dad, virtual or not, is beyond me.

You know damn well you want to take it further and your attitude is so blase -
Oh, it was mental!!! You say that like it's teh most exciting thing that ever happened to you.

I would get banned if I called you a name I really wanna call you so I'll bite my tongue and just tell you it starts with a W.

minidazzler

Beetlebum wrote: »

You don't mention in your post if you are married yourself or if you have kids but how you could have sex with a married Dad, virtual or not, is beyond me.

You know damn well you want to take it further and your attitude is so blase -
Oh, it was mental!!! You say that like it's teh most exciting thing that ever happened to you.

I would get banned if I called you a name I really wanna call you so I'll bite my tongue and just tell you it starts with a W.

Cyber sex is harmless. You have no right to judge a woman for wanting sex even if he is married. It would be quite bad of her if she did actually have sex with him, but that does NOT make her a whore.

Judge not lest ye be judged and all that.

CDfm

minidazzler wrote: »

Judge not lest ye be judged and all that.

+1 on the scale of badness its pretty mild

Taltos

CDfm wrote: »

+1 on the scale of badness its pretty mild

Kinda agree - but... how many times have we all advised someone that their OH is Emotionally cheating....
Just a consideration.

Also if he cares this much about his wife and kid - how much do you really think he cares about you?

BroomBurner

minidazzler wrote: »

Cyber sex is harmless. You have no right to judge a woman for wanting sex even if he is married. It would be quite bad of her if she did actually have sex with him, but that does NOT make her a whore.

Judge not lest ye be judged and all that.

How is cyber sex harmless exactly? This man had a sexual interaction with someone that he actually knows. It's in a different league to watching porn or even just thinking about someone for the sole purposes of masturbation.

OP, how would you feel if you were his wife? Don't meet up with him, in fact, I'd suggest not even talking to him again, you're just leading him on and he should know better also.

eviltwin

Cyber sex is a bit of a grey area but no real harm done at this stage..however DO NOT MEET HIM!!!!

He's a dog who will think nothing of cheating on his wife and child and even if he was offering you the best sex on the planet its not worth it. He has no respect for you OP, I wouldnt be surprised if he has put the same proposition to other women.

If his relationship really is dead then fine but its up to him to sort that out first and look for a new partner / lover second.

Bettlebum can't believe you would call the OP a whore...what kind of sick, judgemental mind do you have? She comes on here looking for advice and you throw that at her?

Do yourself a favour OP. Block him from facebook, put it down to an experience and never get involved with him again. It can only end in tears.

CDfm

BroomBurner wrote: »

How is cyber sex harmless exactly? This man had a sexual interaction with someone that he actually knows.

Well Cyber sex is like talking dirty but they didnt actually do anything but fantasize. Inappropriate but hardly sexual contact.

martdalto

Escapism wrote: »

he wants to meet up !! I said we could have coffee but he definitely wants more than coffee.

WHY?
Why did you agree to meet him for coffee? I assume you agreed to the coffee after he masterbated while 'talking' to you? Why would you agree to it when he made no secret of his intentions?

If you want to meet him and start an affair, that is your business. Nobody can judge you really - the old "I'm single, he's the one in a relationship" line can come out I suppose. But know that he'll be using you for a quicky whenever he's fed up with what's at home.

Escapism wrote: »

Is this the kind of thing that happens all the time now!

What do you think?


Have you had virtual sex with any other married men lately?

Wagon

CDfm wrote: »

Well Cyber sex is like talking dirty but they didnt actually do anything but fantasize. Inappropriate but hardly sexual contact.

I know what you mean by that, but what if you found a cybersex conversation on the PC between your missus and another man? Can't imagine any sane man would be too happy to see that. If my girlfriend did that with someone else she'd be out the door, simply because i couldnt trust her to turn down the real thing. So i know you may see it as hardly sexual contact but it's definately not harmless.

OP, dont meet this man. Women who knowingly sleep with men who are married are whores, just as bad as the men who are cheating on their wives. It's a lot worse when there's kids involved because it's not just a marriage yer both are putting at risk but a whole family.

CDfm

Wagon wrote: »

I know what you mean by that, but what if you found a cybersex conversation on the PC between your missus and another man? Can't imagine any sane man would be too happy to see that.

I agree and nothing has happened, yet.

The thing is that by meeting up the OP is progressing it. I am not judging the the OP but nobody is forcing her to stay in contact with him and meet up.

G-Money

I'm surprised you are even considering meeting this guy for coffee. I suspect based on what happened online and what you already know, that you are considering going further.

To be honest I'm not sure I buy this "caught off guard" thing. You make it sound like someone crept up behind you and gave you a shock. I'm not sure how wrong I think the whole virtual sex thing is. But whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you knew exactly what you were doing. There's no point pretending it just happened by accident or that somehow it was all his fault and that you are the innocent party.

I think if you agree to meet up with this guy you are giving him a fairly large green light that you are willing to go further. But I think you already know this and the fact that you agreed to coffee suggests to me that you quite possibly will go through with this. But not before you repeatedly try to convince yourself that "we're just having coffee, that's all".

I reckon you should just leave it and not go any further.

CDfm

grandmaster wrote: »

what you already know, that you are considering going further.

you knew exactly what you were doing. There's no point pretending it just happened by accident or that somehow it was all his fault and that you are the innocent party.

i think this approximates the position quite well

martdalto

I agree with all posters who say you seem to think this is a very trivial matter.

Even the title of your post sort of says it all. You weren't caught off guard, you participated.. you had to type which meant thinking about it, typing it and sending it. Hardly a knee jerk reaction to something you weren't expecting or didn't want to be involved in.

And now you feel "bad".

You can tell yourself whatever you like, but you agreed to meet him for coffee knowing that you will probably end up taking it further. If you were "caught off guard" and felt "bad" you'd now be going out of your way to avoid him like the plague, rather than agreeing to meet him.

Are you still around OP? Or now that you have heard some of the replies (from adults, who told you this isn't a funny game) are you now feeling "bad" enough to know it was wrong.. and yes he instigated it, but you willing and knowingly took part, so therefore shoulder some of the blame.

I'd love to hear what you are thinking now, if you're still reading, that is.

Karen_*

Escapism wrote: »

I
Is this the kind of thing that happens all the time now! Do married people not know they are married!!!

Do you not know that married people are married? Just strikes me that that was a total waste of your time as is rehashing it and twittering on about it. Take up a hobby.

e04bf099

I wonder why his marraige is in trouble. Is it because he cheats? He sounds like a proper cnut! Poor child.

Even if you don't think meeting him would be morally bad on your part, why would you want to meet such a (I can't say this enough times!) cnut! I'd be disappointed just to know him. Cnut!

minidazzler

e04bf099 wrote: »

I wonder why his marraige is in trouble. Is it because he cheats? He sounds like a proper cnut! Poor child.

Even if you don't think meeting him would be morally bad on your part, why would you want to meet such a (I can't say this enough times!) cnut! I'd be disappointed just to know him. Cnut!

He hasn't cheated that any of us know of.

e04bf099

minidazzler wrote: »

He hasn't cheated that any of us know of.

The whole topic is about his plans, obviously. I was speculating, which is reasonable because it is quite possible true and doesn't do any damage, seeing as all this is anonymous.

CDfm

e04bf099 wrote: »

The whole topic is about his plans

I think the whole topic is about the OPs plans.

e04bf099

Which are determined by what she thinks HIS plans are, and what she wants to do about them.

CDfm

e04bf099 wrote: »

Which are determined by what she thinks HIS plans are, and what she wants to do about them.

She knows that.

It comes down to what she wants.

Lets take this scenario. They meet for coffee. He suggests going back to her place for nookie. She agrees and posts here in the morning -saying she feels used.

e04bf099

Lets elaborate on that scenario.

She knows what he wants, or sounds confident about what he wants, and goes "for coffee"... nookie... feels used.

Presuming her question is "Should I go?", I am saying he sounds like a cnut, and that is a reason not to. I might be wrong. Just my opinion.

iguana

minidazzler wrote: »

He hasn't cheated that any of us know of.

Depends on the relationship. If I was his wife I would consider that cheating. My husband would consider it cheating if I did it. I've had this discussion with friends and it would be enough to end most relationships I know.

The general consensus amoung all my friends is that it is cheating. Some would never forgive it and others have said it would take a lot of work and counselling to get past it. Men as well as women.

CDfm

e04bf099 wrote: »

I am saying he sounds like a cnut, and that is a reason not to. I might be wrong. Just my opinion.

He may well be but nothing is happening without the OP so what does that make her?

minidazzler

iguana wrote: »

Depends on the relationship. If I was his wife I would consider that cheating. My husband would consider it cheating if I did it. I've had this discussion with friends and it would be enough to end most relationships I know.

The general consensus amoung all my friends is that it is cheating. Some would never forgive it and others have said it would take a lot of work and counselling to get past it. Men as well as women.

But in reality it is the same as watching porn. It's fantasy, a conversation of what you would like to do. You may call that cheating, but the fact of the matter is that if you want to call that cheating then any other fantasies your husband has that don't involve you is cheating.

The only problem here is the plan to meet up, the conversation is nothing.

e04bf099

minidazzler wrote: »

But in reality it is the same as watching porn. It's fantasy, a conversation of what you would like to do. You may call that cheating, but the fact of the matter is that if you want to call that cheating then any other fantasies your husband has that don't involve you is cheating.

The only problem here is the plan to meet up, the conversation is nothing.

1) Well watching porn isn't acceptable in lots of relationships. I don't agree particularly with that but if my girlfriend minded I wouldn't do it.
2) It isn't the same as watching porn because THE PERSON IS REAL! There is always the potential that the act can develop, where as there is no potential that watching porn will.
3) The conversation is not nothing if the wife/girlfriend believes it is something. Nobody can dictate hard and fast rules in all relationships. If you find a girl that doesn't mind then good luck to ya. If you do it without her knowledge because you think she SHOULDN'T be offended, well that is the antipathy of a relationship imo.

iguana

minidazzler wrote: »

But in reality it is the same as watching porn. It's fantasy, a conversation of what you would like to do. You may call that cheating, but the fact of the matter is that if you want to call that cheating then any other fantasies your husband has that don't involve you is cheating.

Of course it's not like watching porn. If you watch porn you are a passive observer - or maybe not so passive;), but still you are just an observer. If you have phone/cyber/text sex with someone you are colluding with another person for mutual sexual pleasure. In a lot of relationships that's cheating.

What cheating is and isn't is down to the two people in the relationship and nobody else. In some relationships the participants have sex with other people and that isn't cheating because both partners are ok with it. If my husband did what the OP and her old friend did, it would do massive damage to our marriage and possibly end it. It would most certainly be considered cheating. And most people I have discussed this with feel the same.

apsalar

iguana wrote: »

If you have phone/cyber/text sex with someone you are colluding with another person for mutual sexual pleasure. In a lot of relationships that's cheating.

What cheating is and isn't is down to the two people in the relationship and nobody else.

Completely agree with this.

OP, there have been numerous replies here urging you not to meet up with this man. We can give you so many different views on what constitutes cheating, what his motives are etc,..but you know your own intentions. Even if you care nothing for the wife or for him, think about the fact that he's married. It's not worth it.

There are plenty single men out there for you to enjoy. Let this guy stick to his wife if he wants gratification. You don't need to go there.