I Care Too Much What Other People Think of Me.

LegacyUser

Just have to get this off my chest and am hoping for a bit of advice on developing a more "don´t give a damn" attitude. Essentially, I care too much what others think of me and want everyone I meet to like me and I think it´s becoming more of a problem as I get older. If they don´t or if I think they don´t, I take it extremely personally. I´m at a crossroads in my life and have just moved to a new country on my own and am trying to get settled here and I´m desperate to make good friends but I feel I´m either coming across as desperate by being overtly friendly or else just a bit odd because I´m so busy trying to be liked that I´m not coming across as myself. If I feel someone doesn´t like me or don´t warm to me instantly, I take it to heart a little too much to the point where it´s making me miserable.

There´s another side to this: I´ve been accused of chatting up girl´s boyfriends and have been on the receiving end of dirty looks and snide comments a few times in the past (usually after a few drinks). Last night was case in point. I was having some beers with some people I met recently, all foreign (and I have to just put this in here....none of them Irish because I think it might be relevant). I was chatting to the lads and one the girlfriend´s of one of the guys made no effort to talk to me even though we were sitting right beside eachother. I tried my best to strike up a conversation but frankly, the girl wasn´t friendly and only because she was part of the group that I made the effort. Later on in the night I was having a conversation with her boyfriend about something mundane and I was just being friendly, having a chat as ye do and the reason why I mentioned the fact that I was Irish and they weren´t because I don´t know, I think as a nation we´re friendly, particularly when we´re abroad and it means nothing to us to have a platonic chat with another guy. I wásn´t being flirty, I was just being friendly. 2 seconds later the guy noticed his girlfriend was sitting there with a face on her and I overheard the conversation....she was blatantly talking about me....I didn´t get the details because I left before I caused any hassle.

I´ve been told in the past by a couple of guys that some guys can read more into my friendliness than I intended when honestly, from my point of view, I´m just having a chat. Perhaps there´s an element of plan old jealousy there, I know how girls are myself....or maybe I am coming across as TOO friendly. I don´t know.

I´ve always tried to be kind to people I´ve met day-to-day because I am essentially a good person (as most people are) but I suppose I want something in return: acceptance and it´s too much like hard word at this stage.

Anyway, went home last night upset that this girl didn´t like me when I really shouldn´t have cared. She´s not someone I would want to befriend but then I don´t want to be disliked either. I wasn´t always like this but I suppose I´m at a tough stage in my life...settling down in a new country on my own. It´s not easy but I´m not sure why I´m so concerned that everyone I meet likes me. Nobody else seems to care that much.

I´ve lost friends in the past just through loosing contact or whatever and like everyone, men have come and gone but I take all this too personally....like it´s a personal attack on who I am. I´m way too sensitive, even to the opinions of strangers. Some people are able to move on and not depend on the approval of others as a measure of their worth. I depend SOLEY on what people think of me for my self worth and I don´t know what to do about it. It´s getting me down. Perhaps it´s got something to do with being bullied when I was younger and I´ve become overly sensitive to any unintentional remark or look. I´m not sure how to fix this attitude though and I really want to nip it in the bud before I ruin my chances here.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be much appreciated.

LegacyUser

hey OP,
I had much the same experience as yourself, lived in Scotland, and Wales at different colleges, and found it tough to make actual friends as opposed to people you'd meet a few times over the year. A lot of girls felt threatened when I talked to their boyfriends, cos I've got 4 older brothers and am used to hanging around lads and having the craic, in a platonic way, but many thought I was flirting etc, when I was just being friendly.

The whole not caring attitude that you're looking for (from my experience of life so far) is mostly an act. I can laugh off what people say to me when we're out, but when I'm on my own, it really hurts sometimes. However, I was worse as a teenager (now in my late twenties), I would let stuff affect me for weeks, just a stupid comment from someone I didn't like or care about would really hit me. That's taken years to try and lose, and it's still not gone. But you can get better at it.

If someone makes a remark/acts a certain way towards me now, I tend to ask myself why they thought they should act that way.
Was it something I said? Probably not.
Did they feel threatened by me in some way (ie thinking I was flirting with their boyf.) Quite possibly...?
So that makes their self-esteem issues, far worse than mine.
Which, in a roundabout twisted way, makes me feel better about myself!
Also, ask yourself, in 2 weeks/2 months/2 years time, will you even remember this person/situation/place? It only seems like an issue now, because you focus more energy and attention on it, making it even more of an issue (if that makes sense!)

I think (imo) for you, the best thing to do is to view this move as the start of a new you. It might be tough, but try and put all the bad s**t from the past behind you. Tell yourself that this is the start of a you who values herself as a good friend, nice person and someone who's good craic to be around and good company to be in. Maybe write down some goals for yourself, ie go out one night dressed up to the nines, get a new haircut or outfit or treat yourself somewhere....anything that leaves you feeling fantastic about yourself basically!

And don't give up on yourself! I've found sometimes in groups of new people (ie work colleagues etc) that I'm about to say something and then think "ok, they hardly know me....if someone I'd only met X amount of time ago came out with that, what would I think of them?"
It might sound stupid, but (imo) it works, as it stops you from randomly blurting out stuff, and it also makes you think about how you're acting & interacting within the group.
Keep the chin up, and be honest with people now and again-say you're new in town, and you'ld love someone to show you or tell you the sights/good pubs/restaurants/dodgy areas to avoid etc. Most people will have had some experience of moving somewhere completely new in their life, and will remember what it was like and want to help in some small way. Also, accept work colleagues/co-students/whatevers invitations to stuff every now and again, even if it's only to go for half an hour and leave, you'll still get to know more people and places to have the craic with/in.

Best of luck honey, I'm sure you'll be grand : )

Oh The Humanity

Too bothered wrote: »

There´s another side to this: I´ve been accused of chatting up girl´s boyfriends and have been on the receiving end of dirty looks and snide comments a few times in the past (usually after a few drinks).

This popped out to me. You are seeing evidence here that you are being too overfamiliar with other womens boyfriends. Yet you seem to be ignoring this flag/message that is being given to you citing the following:

Too bothered wrote: »

I think as a nation we´re friendly, particularly when we´re abroad and it means nothing to us to have a platonic chat with another guy. I wásn´t being flirty, I was just being friendly.

Too bothered wrote: »

I´ve been told in the past by a couple of guys that some guys can read more into my friendliness than I intended when honestly, from my point of view, I´m just having a chat. Perhaps there´s an element of plan old jealousy there, I know how girls are myself....

Well, you see theres a small part of the problem. Others have decided there is a problem with your behaviour. They have given you an insight there but you chose to ignore it because you have decided it 'means nothing' and that 'its jealousy' do you see?

It might mean nothing to you but it might seriously irritate a girl if the only quality time she gets to spend with her boyfriend is hogged by someone like you, who commandears the boyfriends attention while just shooting the breeze. You are putting yourself accross as a clingon who wont easily take the hint. People wouldn't like that, so there is an insight you are been given but you are refusing to listen to!

You are self sabotaging there.

Too bothered wrote: »

only because she was part of the group that I made the effort.

Too bothered wrote: »

She´s not someone I would want to befriend but then I don´t want to be disliked either.

Well, look at what you've written there! What do you notice? You chat to people you are not really interested in and then get upset when they don't like you!

You might think you are an oscar winning actress you can be sure that you are coming accross as false and insincere. People aren't stupid.

Making friends is more about listening than talking. Being really interested in people. Being fun, not self involved. People find sensitive and self absorbed people to be 'heavy weather' so try to forget about yourself.

Its possible you are coming accross as 'putting on a performance' as clingy and someone who will not accept non verbal cues. Example you said you left before you could cause any trouble, but you already had by insisting on talking to that girls boyfriend when you could see it was going down badly.

You say you are sensitive but your behaviour is a little bit insensitive to others. You have to really listen to other people. You might not agree with them but you have to respect their boundaries and wishes.

Lonliness is a bit of a vicious circle as the more lonely you are the more clingy and desperate you can come accross and the more clingy and desperate you are the less people will like you and cause even more lonliness.

Just calm down, be a nice person. Back off if you are getting the signals to. Let people come to you!

LegacyUser

Harsh but fair Oh the Humanity. Interesting point about my taking a dislike to the girl but still wanting to be liked. Not sure what that´s about. Ridiculous. This is the kind of advice I need to hear, so thanks.

Just to clarify though, I´m really not the kind of girl to chat to other women´s men and if I know they´re taken and their girlfriends about, I usually avoid them because of the previous accusations. Less hassle that way. The guy manages a hotel here and was just giving me advice on putting a better CV together in the local language and I was just agreeing with him. He approached me and the conversation lasted all of 2 minutes and I honestly didn´t notice his girlfriend had a face ´till the conversation ended...it was abusy bar and we were mixed up`. Once I´ve a few drinks down me, the nerves go and I don´t try as hard. I did try to talk to the girl though (where you from, how long have you been here....blah blah small talk chit chat) and got monosyllabic responses...she just wasn´t friendly from the beginning and I´m not used to that.

But yeah....the rest of the advice I take so thanks. Probably over thinking it a bit and as I said and you said in your post, coming across as fake but I suppose I know feck all people here and am more aware of myself than normal. I haven´t always been so self-absorbed but I´ve been moving around a lot on my own the last few years.

Even me posting here is putting too much focus on something that doesn´t need to be so overanalysed. I just need a bit of a kick up the hole really and to stop feeling sorry for myself.