What to do ?

LegacyUser

I was in a relationship with a girl a good few years ago ,we were together for about four years but towards the end of this relationship (last four months) we only slept together once as we were arguing a lot and generally not getting along.A couple of weeks after this night (bonfire night, first week in may) she tells me she thinks she is pregnant, which she was.
I knew this girl was not the one for me, so i was gutted that she was pregnant . But anyways a few weeks later ,we finally split .
I have this thing for replaying situations in my mind and the thing that bothered me most about the last night we slept together was the look on her face after I had came inside her as this was only the second time in four years i had done this,her facial expression was one of 'relief' a kind of a wry smile look as though she was now covered.
Anyhow the child was born early January ,now "MAy' to January' does not amount to a full term pregnancy as far as I can make out but I confided in other Females who convinced me that there was other factors to be taken into account when making out when the baby should be born ,I even rang the local maternity hospital after the child was born and asked to speak to a "maternity nurse' and all I got from her was a load of bull about ovulation ,she was non committal on a birth date from my date(May) until I gave her the 'birth date' and immediately agreed that this was correct (LIar)
For the first three years I had the child every weekend ( even though the doubt persisted),even went to court to get access when things got beyond a joke with her mother (unreasonable demands on her part)and got the access .
I became depressed with the whole situation and the took off for a couple of years to England and had no contact with them.Came home again and within a couple of days the child was sent down to see me ,I thought she wouldn't remember me but the first thing she done was 'Slapped' me across the face and jumped in to my arms .So again I started to take her at the weekends .
A couple of years down the line ( child about 7 now) me and her Mother have a face to face bust up, I'm not happy at the way the mother is raising her eg her constant changing of her boyfriends and leaving the child regularly with her friends on school nights .
Access is now withdrawn and as I have no court order now I decide not to bother as I still have the doubts that the child is not mine and the child is her mothers daughter,I see nothing of me in her.
Roll on another few years, my mother dies and the child is allowed to attend the funeral , her mother has calmed down now and lets me see the child again.
So we see each other intermittently for the next couple of years,the child is now nearly a teen and as father (?) daughter relationships go ,its not.
She has turned out to be a mini version of her mother and i despise her mother but last week child starts an argument with one of her cousins and ends up throwing insults about my sister (bitch and all this crap) to her young cousin (my nephew) and then goes and tells a load of lies about what happened to her mother because she is scared of her temper.
After this episode for the first time in my life I lost it with her, rang her up told her not to come near me again , i have had it with her.
I want someone to tell her that i am not her father, I now have a good Idea who her father is but i think it should be her mother that tells her and tells her now.
Why should i have this child grow up thinking that i was the one who abandoned her(as she says of her mothers many former boyfriends) when it was her mother that created this ****ty scenario .

Monkey61

Okay want to get a few things clear here...

Apologies if I missed a detail, but why did you never think to ask for proof that the child was yours? I am not too familiar with these things but surely a paternity test could have taken place at any point? If you had that much doubt, why on earth would you go along with the whole thing for over a decade without asking for one?

Secondly, May to January could mean almost 8 months - it wouldn't be unheard of for someone to give birth after 8 months for many reasons.

Bonfire night??? In the first week of May??

Also, you were about to spilt with your girlfriend of four years because you knew you didn't want to be with her and you chose that time to have unprotected sex for the second time in the whole relationship????

Is it likely that a hospital nurse would give out patient information over the phone?

So you ran away from the child for years, and now want to wash your hands of the entire situation by being unnecessarily cruel to this child still without bothering to check if the child is yours???

Just need to get a few more details here I think...

ash23

Ok, so you have doubts that the child is yours. Easily resolved with a paternity test.


As for how you are both treating this child, it is disgusting. The poor kid has been abandoned by you repeatedly. As far as she is aware you are her father. And you have disappeared on her on and off over the years. You never built a relationship with her and have basically now said that you don't like her. And you blame the girl for being angry and lashing out????? :eek:

God knows what sort of emotional damage you have inflicted on this child, both you and the mother because ye were too immature to sort out your own differences and issues for the sake of the child who, lets face it, was the only innocent party in this whole mess.

And now you want to trowel on some more emotional damage to an already damaged teenage girl??? Who do you think you are that you want "someone" to tell this child that she is not yours. You have no evidence that she is or isn't yours. You are going to destroy this childs life over a doubt that you have?
My daughter is my double. She looks nothing like her dad and as he isn't involved she has none of his mannerisms or charachteristics. She is a mini me, a clone of me. However, her father still was involved in the conception. I'm not the Virgin Mary.
If he were to base his paternity on what she looks like then he would be right to think she wasn't his. Genetics aren't that simple. That is why DNA tests are readily available. :rolleyes:


What you need to do is cop yourself on. Talk to her mother, even through a mediator. Try to get a DNA test before turning your back, yet again, on this child.

You don't mention that you love this child or care for her. Your unproven doubt has meant you have denied this child her father (if you are her dad) and if it does turn out that she is yours then you have a lot of making up to do.
If she isn't yours then at least you can walk away from this mess. but bear in mind the poor girl will be traumatised and it would be preferable if you were some sort of support to her. Emotionally I mean.

miec

I have to concur with the other two posters, your behaviour is shameful, daughter or no daughter, she deserves to be treated with respect and dignity and you have done neither. Your daughter is lashing out because she is hurt and abandoned by both of you. I think you should seriously examine your behaviour and consider how she is feeling in all of this, not your wounded pride. Your post is full of 'I, I, I' and all you have suffered, yet you are partially responsible for this. It takes two people to create a mess, I suggest you grow up, speak with your ex and clarify things once and for all.

LegacyUser

Monkey 61.
I did say it to her that i thought the child was not mine, more than once ,and all she did was 'walk off'
As for why i did not get a paternity test done ,14 years ago these tests were very expensive and i was not in a position to pay for one ,also her mother will not agree to having one done.
Exactly 'May to January' is "ONLY"eight months and she went over by a couple of days,so there you go ...this is a pretty good reason imo to think the child is not mine but I had it drummed into my head by 'females' that there are other factors to be taken into account when making out the potential 'birth date'.
Yes we have a bonfire night at the start of "May' that's the key to me remembering the date.
(unprotected sex)Even when you are nearing the end of a relationship ,you have your moments when you show each other affection but the affection doesn't last.
When i rang the 'hospital' i wasn't looking for a 'patients' information, I gave no names ,just asked her to make out the expected birth date which she would not do..until i told her the birth date.

ash23

I agree the situation is not good but how am I treating her badly...it was her mother who withdrew my access when i disagreed with the way that she was rearing her.At the start i was very loving towards this child even went to court to get access and the "Judge' gave out to her mother when I got to explain my side of the story but over time i have become cold to the situation as i have had no say in absolutely anything to do with this child and if i do say anything and "She' doesn't like it..I might not see her again for a year or two.
The emotional damage I am causing this child is that I am the one that got the blame for being the father..I have given out to her twice in 13 years !!
Her mother is the one that like's to play head games with the child eg' When she was 6 ,the child was able to tell me that i use to kill her mother'(childs words) anyway I have never hit a female in my life.
I want her mother to tell her that 'I' am not her father or i will tell her but preferably her 'mother' as she is the one who construed this lie.
As for do I love this 'child' I use too but now i don't know, I fell sorry for her at times because you can sense there is a want in her...but as I said 'I' am now fairly cold to the situation ...tooooooo much water under the bridge.

miec
Your points are valid..but i don't think she is mine

ash23

timmy789 wrote: »

Monkey 61.
ash23

I agree the situation is not good but how am I treating her badly...it was her mother who withdrew my access when i disagreed with the way that she was rearing her.At the start i was very loving towards this child even went to court to get access and the "Judge' gave out to her mother when I got to explain my side of the story but over time i have become cold to the situation as i have had no say in absolutely anything to do with this child and if i do say anything and "She' doesn't like it..I might not see her again for a year or two.
The emotional damage I am causing this child is that I am the one that got the blame for being the father..I have given out to her twice in 13 years !!
Her mother is the one that like's to play head games with the child eg' When she was 6 ,the child was able to tell me that i use to kill her mother'(childs words) anyway I have never hit a female in my life.
I want her mother to tell her that 'I' am not her father or i will tell her but preferably her 'mother' as she is the one who construed this lie.
As for do I love this 'child' I use too but now i don't know, I fell sorry for her at times because you can sense there is a want in her...but as I said 'I' am now fairly cold to the situation ...tooooooo much water under the bridge.

You were the one who got depressed with dealing with the mother and frigged off to England for a few years and didn't see the child at all. You could have fought for custody, you could have gone to court and sorted the sorry mess out but you just gave up. As far as I can see, you were half assed about the whole thing. I could never ever walk away from my child, no matter what grief I was getting. I would move heaven and earth if someone told me I couldn't see my daughter. I would fight it every inch of the way. The mother may have made things difficult but you were the one who gave up. At least own it.

You are cold to the situation?? And this affects your daughter how? You need to be the bigger person. And don't dare turn this childs life upside down and f*ck her up any more than you already have by sitting her down and telling her that you are not her dad when all you have is a suspicion.

Might I point out that she told you at the start of May that she was pregnant. Anything up to 2 weeks pregnant. 40 weeks from mid April is mid January. Maybe her dates are off and maybe you aren't the dad. But this poor girl thinks you are. Try thinking about someone else for a change. From the time she was a young child she has seen you flit in and out of her life. By all accounts her mother isn't too fantastic. Then when she needs you the most (as a male role model to a younger girl) she can feel a coldness and a dislike from you. Imagine how that poor child feels?

You might hate her mother, her mother might be a total and utter witch. But you took the lazy route in my personal opinion. When it got too hard you just gave up and you are doing it again. It's all about you and your needs. Seems that you wish this child would just disappear and you are trying to justify pushing her out of your life.
Someone in this situation needs to be the bigger person and put the child first. You claim her mum won't be that person so maybe you should be. There wouldn't be a second family involved in your case would there? A new wife and kids? I just can't see why you are so eager to do this to the child now when you have been there on and off for so many years, doubts and all. Can't help but feel there is more behind this.


PS...my dad did something similar to me so it is something I understand the effect of all too well.

LegacyUser

may
june
july
august
september
october
november
december
january

I count 9 months... Of course it does depend on the dates in may and january, but if it was early may and late january it's completely possible.

On another note, just get a DNA test done. Seriously, offer it up to her mum on a plate. If a DNA test shows that you are the father, you'll pay maintenance or something.

This child needs stability. Too many uncertanties in her life. You didn't deny her a father, of course she has a father, you have so far denied her a DAD.

You have 2, and only 2, options here really, regardless of DNA test. Either you commit fully to being a good father to this girl or you feck off and have NOTHING to do with her and let her hate you cos god knows she deserves to be able to hate you.

kmick

Even if she is not your child you have an absolute priority to treat her with respect and love as a child. You have behaved very foolishly here in not getting the test done. Get it done immediately. You may have to go the legal route if she refuses. In the meantime realise that this poor child could never have turned out any other way than the same as her mother beacuase you were never around to show her differently.

LegacyUser

ash23

Of course i got depressed, she starting seeing someone else when she was pregnant, she was my neighbour ,it took all of 7 seconds to get to her house from my house. so I had to watch this Yolk run around with other fellows while she was pregnant.I hated her with a passion after that but still went to the hospital with her when she went into labour but felt absolutely nothing for her when she was having the child.So a couple of weeks later I left her.Two weeks later and she's walking past my house with her latest fellow pushing the pram !!and it's been like that since ,I think the child is up to 'Daddy' number 12 or 13 now these are the ones that I know about and knowing her 'NOW' there are more than likely more.
As regards a 'child' women have all the rights ,even if you have a court order for access ,she can withdraw that access on a whim as happened to me ,I ended up in court for the most mundane of reasons ,her Solicitor sent me a letter 'the length of me arm' with all these bull**** accusations and when it came to the crunch the biggest things they had on me was 'I brought her back five minutes late' (she was next door having her tea) (Guards called for this and she standing at my front door watching me feed her) and wait for it 'I returned her with a dirty ' nappy' .
Its all very well for a woman to say that she would move mountains to see her child but you have the majority rights when it comes to children ,its a totally different ball game for a male and if a woman wants to make life difficult for you with regards a child ,she can.

Childs mother was also abandoned by her father' she was his fav' and it affected her but this was one of the factors as to why I didn't leave this child at the start but as the years have gone on I understand now why her father made a clean break because he did try to see the kids when he first left but her mother made it difficult for him so he made a clean break of it as I now have done.

Early' May 'to' Early' January is not a full term pregnancy as far as I can make out.
I do not have a 'wife' nor do I ever want a wife and I have no children except the pretend one.
i find it odd that people think that if the child is not mine that I should continue on with this charade ... between Christmas and her birthday cost me a grand alone not to mention the other monies i give her through out the year and as for giving her moral support ..the child seems to have the brain of her mother and there is nothing i can do to change that.

ash23

timmy789 wrote: »

ash23

Of course i got depressed, she starting seeing someone else when she was pregnant, she was my neighbour ,it took all of 7 seconds to get to her house from my house. so I had to watch this Yolk run around with other fellows while she was pregnant.I hated her with a passion after that but still went to the hospital with her when she went into labour but felt absolutely nothing for her when she was having the child.So a couple of weeks later I left her.Two weeks later and she's walking past my house with her latest fellow pushing the pram !!and it's been like that since ,I think the child is up to 'Daddy' number 12 or 13 now these are the ones that I know about and knowing her 'NOW' there are more than likely more.
As regards a 'child' women have all the rights ,even if you have a court order for access ,she can withdraw that access on a whim as happened to me ,I ended up in court for the most mundane of reasons ,her Solicitor sent me a letter 'the length of me arm' with all these bull**** accusations and when it came to the crunch the biggest things they had on me was 'I brought her back five minutes late' (she was next door having her tea) (Guards called for this and she standing at my front door watching me feed her) and wait for it 'I returned her with a dirty ' nappy' .
Its all very well for a woman to say that she would move mountains to see her child but you have the majority rights when it comes to children ,its a totally different ball game for a male and if a woman wants to make life difficult for you with regards a child ,she can.

Childs mother was also abandoned by her father' she was his fav' and it affected her but this was one of the factors as to why I didn't leave this child at the start but as the years have gone on I understand now why her father made a clean break because he did try to see the kids when he first left but her mother made it difficult for him so he made a clean break of it as I now have done.

Early' May 'to' Early' January is not a full term pregnancy as far as I can make out.
I do not have a 'wife' nor do I ever want a wife and I have no children except the pretend one.
i find it odd that people think that if the child is not mine that I should continue on with this charade ... between Christmas and her birthday cost me a grand alone not to mention the other monies i give her through out the year and as for giving her moral support ..the child seems to have the brain of her mother and there is nothing i can do to change that.

It's all excuses and "me me me". You've your mind made up so why bother asking the question.