strong ex gf, how to contact?

madeamistake

i broke up with her in Feb 09 because of external problems that made being together near impossible for the next several years. she is six years older and far more experienced in all areas of life. this woman had her shiv together, so to speak and i didn't complete the breakup as well as i could have. i was scared of how she would react so distanced myself first. i really made a mistake in all this.

I was scared to talk to her because i know i hurt her deeply (my immaturity). at the time of the breakup she said she thought of me as a different person now and that i disappointed her. she loved the old me and would always be supportive of him were her words. she didn't do the usual things like cry, get angry, vent to mates, text me or try to get back together; the things most dumpees do and my previous exs did. instead she listened to me appologise to her, then she hung up the phone and never spoke a word to me again. i always thought i would her from her again even if it was only IM.

four months later we met at a function and i asked her to lunch. i think i was the one who was in shock. she accepted. i expected her to want to kill me or something. instead she was really kind, laughing, and asked about my family. not nervous at all like me. everything felt so relaxed. i tried to bring up our previous relationship and she would cut me off and changed the subject. all i wanted was to tell her i missed her and wanted to contact her much sooner but i was scared. i think she sensed this. the only thing she did say to me was to stop feeling crappy about the break up and that these things happen. she immediately changed the subject again. i mean, i dumped her and hurt her! yet she was cool and forgiving about the whole thing. she left after two hours because she had to meet family. i wanted more time with her. i was really in shock. she was strong in all this. my head was wrecked!

when we were together we would talk about everything. she was remarkable in every single way and really encouraged me to do better in my life. she genuinely loved me and i loved her. now i feel like she died or something. i know i'm to blame in this but i never expected her to cut me out like that. so strongly. i didn't cheat, abuse, or anything like that. I've never met a woman like this. I know there must be more out there like her.

she was unbelievable at lunch so i emailed her once, two days later, telling her how hard it was for me being there and told her i would contact her again in the future. i also mentioned that she didn't need to respond but i thought it was heartfelt and would provoke a response. i cried typing it out! she never did respond. i haven't emailed her since, though i did say i would. i'm not sure what to say. it's been a long time since the email, and she went right back into a cave after our meeting. i still miss her like crazy and i don't know what to do to get communication going. if circumstances change i would like to be able to rekindle the relationship if she would have me. show her the man she does love. i know i can't come right out and tell her how i feel because she won't believe it. i tried a little of that in the email. i have to somehow first get back her respect.

all i know at the moment is that she talks a lot with one of my mates but he says she only asks about the family, not me directly. she said i'm off limits to talk about so he doesn't bring me up because she will hang up right then on him. she said it is how she manages what knowledge she receives so that she doesn't become a masochist. my mate agrees that she is a contradiction to most women he's ever met too; in that what works for many doesn't seem to work with her.

has anyone dealt with this type of woman? what do i do? she is strong minded and i don't know how to proceed. suggestions?

Beruthiel

From what you said above, it looks to me like you are faffing about.
Personally I can't stand that and just want a yes or no. A black or white answer.

She maybe strong, that however doesn't mean she was not hurt over your messing about.
I consider myself a pretty strong woman and would probably react a lot like her.
Once you have hurt me once, you wouldn't get the chance to do it again.
I may give you one last chance, but you would probably have to bend over backwards and you would have to give some sort of indication that you mean business this time and no more bullsh!t.
I'm not saying she is thinking along the same lines, but she strikes me as the type of woman who expects you to be straight up and mean what you say.

My suggestion to you would be to phone her, ask her if ye can meet up.
If she says yes, then you have a chance to tell her exactly what you want and how you feel.
I expect you do actually know now? Don't bother getting in touch with her unless you are 100% sure.

Nevyn

Well aren't you selfish.
You know you hurt her and you want to see it,
cos it will make you feel better about how hurt you are feeling.

Sounds like that if she wanted you in her life she would let you in and she does not.
If you respect her I suggest you leave her be and let her heal and get on with your life.
If and when she comes around and wants to know about you and talking and thinking
about you if not so unpleasant for her, she may be open to contact then.

In the mean time, get on with your life, if you want to be the type of person who has thier life together and does well in your life ( which may attract her ) then I suggest you do it but for your own sake and not purely as a means to an end to win her back.

That relationship is over you need to accept that and that while you may be lucky enough to get a new begining what you had with this person is over.

Taltos

Beruthiel wrote: »

My suggestion to you would be to phone her, ask her if ye can meet up.
If she says yes, then you have a chance to tell her exactly what you want and how you feel.
I expect you do actually know now? Don't bother getting in touch with her unless you are 100% sure.

Agreed with everything here except this.
Reading your tale OP I do not believe you are ready to commit to her - so why mess her about more than you have.
Why do I think this?
"if circumstances change i would like to be able to rekindle the relationship"

I mean - what the hell do you really mean here - if circumstances change?
Personally this is the type of double-speak that messes with peoples heads. So I think she is probably alot better off than being played around by you.

What I think you really want is your ego stroked that you destroyed her life by ending things with her. But instead of that you saw a strong capable young woman who manages somehow to go on about her life without you in it.

Maybe a bit harsh - but why don't you take sometime to figure out what you really want from life. If it is this woman and you are 110% sure it is then contact her - grovel and beg - but if there is even a doubt and the line above tells me there is a big gaping one just let her get on with her life and stop trying to pull her down into mope-dom.

Learn from this though - people have feelings and these cannot just be turned on and off - so always be 100% sure of what you want before committing yourself to a path that later you might regret.

I am not saying there is not hope for you there - I am just asking you to be sure before you risk her heart anymore than you have.

Nevyn

It seems like she had a marked effect on you and your life and now you are looking for some sign that you had some effect on her. Seems you did, so much so she has put in considerable effort to cut you out of her life and to enforce boundaries. I suggest you respect them rather then throwing yourself against them.

Moomoo1

...and this, kids, is a textbook case of how to handle a break-up and make the other person regret things...

I must say, she sounds fantastic. She manages to make you feel a right idiot without even mentioning the subject, just by acting super-normal. She is obviously incredibly hurt and doing her best to block it out, but all you see is a smooth shiny front. So she manages to feign indifference _and_ keep you guessing at the same time.

Frankly, I wouldn't bother, and this is why. Imagine she posted a thread on here along the lines of 'ex wants to get back together' and said what you said? She'd be told to not touch you with a bargepole. Partly because of the circumstances and partly because of your lack of commitement.

But there is a more serious issue here. And that is: do you just want her because she didn't act like all those others and begged to get back? And if so, supposing you get her back, would history repeat itself?

Wagon

madeamistake wrote: »

has anyone dealt with this type of woman? what do i do? she is strong minded and i don't know how to proceed. suggestions?

The way i see it, if a relationship ends it ends for good. So if an ex of mine came back to me and asked me to get back together id have a similar reaction to your ex. I wouldn't trust that person again and therefore id never attempt another relationship with them again. So i can completely understand where she's coming from. I know it's a very black and white way of looking at things but sometimes that's the only way.

However, what i would do though is respond to the question if it was asked. If i was at the stage where i was able to have a relaxed conversation with them about stuff for a few hours, I would give a straight answer and tell them no and give my reasons for it. That way both of us would be on the same page and that person won't be left in limbo. So i think completely ignoring you is pretty lousy, because a simple straight to the point conversation can really clear things up nicely. It just saves a lot of headaches on both sides. Having said that though, if i got more emails still asking after ive made my point clear id probably ignore them.

In your case, id say give up and delete all contact details so you won't be temped to contact her in moments of weakness. From what you've typed, she doesn't want another go of it. So save yourself the trouble and leave it.

shellyboo

What exactly do you want from her? If it's to get back together, then tell her that. If it's something less, then leave her alone.

She's coping with the breakup in the best way she knows how, you have no right to intrude on that and be put out about how well she's coping.

Moomoo1

...oh, and OP... have you actually _told_ her that you want to get back together? Not by dropping roundabout hints, but by actually saying so? It isn't apparent from your post that you did...