Sketchy as hell

Dub_girl_101

Been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now and at first it was going amazing but now he's taken the backseat and I'm the one always making the effort to meet up etc.

There's small things about him like we'd be driving somewhere and he'd pull up somewhere and say something like "I won't be sec just gotta collect some keys off my brother (or mate)" gives me a kiss on the forehead leaving the car and goes "back in a sec" with a smile. It's so dodgy tho cuz this has happened at least four times now!! It's like he's collecting drugs or something?

Also, when I stay over in his the next morning after we have sex or whatever he leaves me on my own in his room while he goes downstairs to put the feet up with the lads and have a fag after saying he'd only be a sec that he's just gone to make a cup of tea or put his clothes in the wash or something. It just makes me so mad and upset, is he entitled to do that or am I right in feeling a bit neglected and used?

netwhizkid

You sound clingy! Can he not be out of your sight for two seconds?

netwhizkid

netwhizkid wrote: »

You sound clingy! Can he not be out of your sight for two seconds?

What, because she's left alone twiddling her thumbs after yer man fecks off downstairs to hang out with his mates without telling her? He sounds really ignorant!

MizzLolly

The whole relationship is giving off a really immature vibe from your post. He shouldn't be running off on you like that, it is very rude but if you're sleeping with this fella maybe you should speak to him about how you feel before you decide he's some sketchy drug dealer?!

Also, can you not get out of bed yourself and come downstairs with him or are you banished to the bedroom?

Bizarre!

Pyr0

Wait, he can't leave the car for a minute or two to pick something up from a mate or god forbid, his brother ? Are you not able to be alone for a minute without getting upset ? Oh and thinking he's a possible dealer ! Wtf ?!

Is he going downstairs to put his clothes in the wash, getting distracted by the lads and not saying anything to you for 10+ minutes ? If that's the case then fair enough, something to be a little annoyed over but certainly not "neglected and used". If he actually tells you he's going down to the lads, putting his clothes in the wash, tidying up and does exactly that I don't see what the problem is.

It sounds like you're a bit immature and have high expectations as to what height of communication and involvement a relationship should have.

LegacyUser

Hey.
This looks like a serious breakdown in communication. The most important thing for you to do is not to pester or pry into it too much, but try to get him to talk about it. if you ask too many questions like "where are you going" etc all the time it might make him think your too dependent, which is very unattractive.

Try to do mysterious things of your own, nothing bad, but every now and then go and be spontaneous. get out of bed before him and go cook abrekkie for the both of you. If you need to go to the shops, go without saying, but bring him back a pack of fags or summin. that might keep him a little more interested in what you do, and could ease your mind a little.

Also, after sex, ask for a little more affection, dont try and force him into it, but make him feel good about doing it for you.

He may just like getting out of bed and doing things, I for one hate staying in bed and doing nothing too often.

Good luck and i hope this helps

Dub_girl_101

To start off, I posted here only a week ago about my partner but there's been a bit of a development since.

I'm 24, we've been together about seven months.

At first things were going great cuz he lived on his own, I was seeing him about 3/4 times a week.

Then he moved into a house with his friends, since the move I only see him once a week.

I absolutely adore him and would do anything for him, I've been in only two relationships other than him and I've gotta say I couldn't even compare them! I like this guy so much and we're both so alike/have so much in common it's a huge comfort.

However today I couldn't take only seeing him once a week anymore so I told him and we had a long discussion and basically he said that "he wants to keep seeing me but he feels selfish because he can't give me the time".

Is this just an excuse? I can't phathom how he couldn't have the time or as to where this "unavailable time" is been spent? It's really putting me down

Thanks for reading

kjl

guys are really bad at break ups, and will never fully give a proper reason.

instead we give mumbo jumbo about how what were doing is for the benefit of the person we are breaking up with, so to answer your question, yeah it sounds like an excuse to me.

I would say a break up is probably coming down the line.

I could be wrong, but my heart goes out to you if Im not

gl

opinion guy

Does he work long hours?

Dub_girl_101

opinion guy wrote: »

Does he work long hours?

This is it he only works 3/4 days a week at most. He said he's like the care taker in his family because his dad isn't too well and his two older brothers are really troublesome (one was in jail, the other has issues with drugs) so he says his father can't handle it so he's like the father hence he's always on the go with them. Tbh though i really can't understand that, how can one be "on the go" constantly in a scenario like that? Doesn't make sense to me.

Tonight on the phone I was the one that asked if he wanted to break up and he said no, he said we should both think about what to do and talk again tomorrow and give one another a suggestion. I don't know though it's really bizarre to me

kjl

Sounds to me like he is a smoker (pot), as one myself its very difficult to give up the smoke to spend time with a gf.

Maybe you could tell him that it would be ok for him to smoke pot around you, the he would be willing to spend more time with you.

I dont know if that suits you, but sure its worth a go

Liam Byrne

kjl wrote: »

Sounds to me like he is a smoker (pot), as one myself its very difficult to give up the smoke to spend time with a gf.

Maybe you could tell him that it would be ok for him to smoke pot around you, the he would be willing to spend more time with you.

That's some stretch! There's absolutely no indication that he does drugs, or that the OP would be pro or anti drugs.....

Sorry, kjl; you're projecting your own issues far too much with that post.

Dub_girl_101

kjl wrote: »

Sounds to me like he is a smoker (pot), as one myself its very difficult to give up the smoke to spend time with a gf.

Maybe you could tell him that it would be ok for him to smoke pot around you, the he would be willing to spend more time with you.

I dont know if that suits you, but sure its worth a go

That wouldn't bother me in the slightest! When I stay over in his himself myself and his mates would all have a few joints together no problem. I'm not actually too into them but around him I'd have a puff here n there just to show him that I'm not the judgemental type.

Yano like if you read through some of my old threads going back a few years you can probably tell that I am actually a really sound girl, I'm very sensitive though so if he was to break it off i'd be gutted, dunno what I'd do. So if anyone has any advice as to what I can suggest to him tomorrow or if you genuinely think that it's over already I won't mind, would just love as much feedback as poss so I can put my mind at ease

Dub_girl_101

This may be a very naive question but is it actually possible to not have time to be in a relationship?

Who's busy 24/7 in all honesty like?

sam34

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

This may be a very naive question but is it actually possible to not have time to be in a relationship?

Who's busy 24/7 in all honesty like?

well, i work full time.

i also work regular overtime, one night a week, so there is a day when i start working at 9 am and i dont finish til 5pm the next day.

most days i am in work at 8 and i dont leave til 6 or 7, even though "officially" i work 9 to 5.

i am doing 4 post-graduate courses that take up a lot of my free time with course days, assignments etc

i have had one free weekend ( ie no work, course or study to do) since early June.

so i dont have time for a relationship!

the last thing i want to be doing in my precious free time is building z relationship and having to deal with someone else. i value my freedom and independence too highly for that.

if however, i wanted a relationship, i think it would be difficult and stressful in my circumstances, so yes, it is possible to be too busy for a relationship!

Monkey61

I think it is possible to be too busy for a relationship, but only if the person is actually in some kind of serious career with long hours and stressful work - doctor, stock broker, that sort of thing or something that required an awful lot of constant travelling. Otherwise I am afraid to say that it sounds like an excuse.

If he saw loads of you before and is only now, that he is living with friends, deciding that one night a week is enough - chances are that he doesn't like you as much as he once did, or has realised that he doesn't need you to fill his hours and kill any loneliness now that he has others around him.

No doubt he still likes you a bit, hence the "I don't want to break up" thing, but not enough to want to be in a proper relationship with you.

If you like someone enough,you will always find a way to make time.

G-Money

I'm guessing it's an excuse I'm sorry to say. Unless he has some insane job that means he's working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it's unlikely that he doesn't have time.

I suspect he's trying to let you down gently and hoping that you'll take the hint.

Think about it this way. Imagine you met a guy you really liked, wouldn't you be willing to make time for them etc?

Also think back to times you may have said something similar to other guys and what you real motivation was then.

I reckon it's probably over. Give it a bit more time and if he doesn't change his tune, just leave it and move on. He's said he doesn't have time so he can't really expect you to sit by the phone forever waiting for him to call.

LegacyUser

I feel your pain OP, im in the exact same position!
Iv been seeing my boyfriend for the last 5 months and love him to bits, im head over heals about him!!

Up until september i used see him nearly everyday now all of a sudden it's down to an hour a week two if im lucky ! Im in college 9 to 5 or 9 to 6 monday to thursday, he works 5 days a week and either starts at 5pm or 11pm and works all night. He also has a child (who i adore) so he spends his evenings and days off with him . I know i sound really selfish because he is really busy and very worried about money at the moment but i need more than a couple of hours a week with him !

I am really considering finishing it with him in hope that it will cause me less pain in the long run, but the thought of never seeing him is killing me i really do love him to bits. I don't know how to bring it up with him without him thinking im picking a fight with him.

Any advice is really welcome!!! Thanks

shellyboo

OP, it does kind of sound like an excuse. He either genuinely doesn't have the time, or doesn't want to make the time - you've asked him for more, he's basically said no.


So you need to decide whether to accept it or not. I'd call his bluff if I were you - tell him that if he can't/won't make time for the relationship then you're out.

Amazingly, kjl might have actually hit the nail on the head out of nowhere - if he's just moved in with his mates and they're all smokers, I'd bet good money that he's spending a lot more time doing that than he used to.

unhappycamper

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

This may be a very naive question but is it actually possible to not have time to be in a relationship?

Who's busy 24/7 in all honesty like?

Try starting and running your own business in a recession, being single leaves me with one focus, suceeding in life for me, I am number 1 remember

opinion guy

Hmmm I dunno. I think if his dad is sick one brother is into drugs and the other in and out of jail and he is the main person who looks after things - thats alot of other peoples **** to be dealing with to be honest. That would sure stress me out.

OP it may be an excuse, but it may also be genuine. It may be that all the family crap has him a bit wound up and he only has so much left over for a relationship. I suppose whether its an excuse or not isn't really relevenant - the real question is - is what you are getting from him now enough for you to continue the relationship ?

ash23

Was this stuff with his dad and brother going on when you first started seeing him? If so, then something in him has changed, not his circumstances.

We're all busy. I've a 40 hour a week job and I'm a single parent to a child who has to be ferried to and from activities. I work 5 days a week and have her the other 2. But I can assure you that if I met someone I was mad about I would find a way to see them.

What worries me most is that its all on his terms. He doesn't appear to be making an effort. Thats the real tell tale sign. People can be busy and might have to bend over backwards to see you once a week but you know that they are really trying to see you as much as possible. But this guy seems to have a fair few spare evenings and isn't making the effort to include you.

I bet he has time to sit around having beers with his housemates and playing playstation or watching dvds.
As soon as a guy stops making an effort then you just know its heading for breakup territory.

Irishcrx

Of course there are people who do not have time for relationships, other than the fact that I love my girlfriend and have been together a long time I find the time hard to come by and if we were to break up I wouldn't go looking for a relationship for a long time as i really am just to busy for it as i'm sure some others are. They take time, deadication and work and some peoples heads just aren't there at certain times be it college , music , football, career.

I work 9-5 most of the week , I also play drums for a band so I have to , practice myself , write music, gig usually once a week or so. Get home from work cook dinner , feed the dog , clean up , walk to dog , repairs or work around the house, if I'm lucky watch a bit of TV or play the Xbox which I rarely get the chance to do. Then it's clothes for work, college work etc it really does leave me with very little time for myself and I have a girlfriend.

Some people have all the time in the world and will be more inclined to make time for girlfriends, some even spend all there time chasing girls, others don't it differs from person to person and what there doing at that time in there life.

Dub_girl_101

opinion guy wrote: »

the real question is - is what you are getting from him now enough for you to continue the relationship ?

Someone else said "no doubt he spends a few nights in with the lads having a few bottles and playing the x box". Thats true he does do that and I know that for fact cuz pretty much every night he texts me he says thats what he's doing then goes on about what a long day he had so thats like his "chill out time". So to answer your question no it wouldn't cuz I wouldn't be able to comprehend it and it'll always p*ss me off

ash23 wrote: »

Was this stuff with his dad and brother going on when you first started seeing him? If so, then something in him has changed, not his circumstances.

Yeh it was. Guess that pretty much says it's me he's gone off

Monkey61 wrote: »

If you like someone enough,you will always find a way to make time.

This is exactly what keeps going through my mind every day and it's this that's making me so stressed!! He knows I'd always make the time for him I've said it numerous times! What I don't get though is why won't he just end it then!!!

Madame Razz

Well if you're not happy with all of this why don't YOU break up with him??

It's not just his decision ya know; and to be honest he isn't exactly making much of an effort, and that really matters, despite how you feel about him.

ash23

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

This is exactly what keeps going through my mind every day and it's this that's making me so stressed!! He knows I'd always make the time for him I've said it numerous times! What I don't get though is why won't he just end it then!!!

Why would he? He has it exactly the way he wants it. He doesn't have to make an effort, he gets to spend his evening living like a single bloke and he has you to offload all his problems to, talk about his difficult day and gets the sympathetic, understanding ear and the TLC and when he fancies some action he gets on the phone, calls you and there's a warm body waiting for him.

But while he has it all, you are being serously short changed.

dublingal80

a relationship is a 2 way street. both people have to put the effort into it to work. If he doesnt, no matter what you do, you cant make it work by yourself

Be honest with him and tell him how you feel. Let him know you understand that he is going through a lot right now and that he needs his chill out time with his friends, but you would like it if he also was able to have chill out time with just you. Just staying in, watching a dvd or something, just so you can spend time together.

If he says he cant do anything about it, it will break your heart, sooner or later

Dub_girl_101

Thanks guys, well i'm meeting up with him later to talk about it so i'm gonna stay strong, remember what you all said and as samantha says in sex and the city "I really love you, but i love myself more"

Obviously not going to say that though as we've never exchanged "i love yous" before lol

I'll let you know the outcome

How Strange

I'm sorry to say this OP but that's just an excuse.

Yes people can have very busy and demanding lives which leave them very little personal time but one thing I really believe is that if someone cares enough about you they will find the time to meet you.

It might only be 30 mins to have a coffee or 2hrs to go to the cinema but if someone says to me they are too busy to give me more of their time I read the subtitles which say 'I'm just not that into you to bother putting myself out to see you'.

Your bf has things just the way he likes them and he's told you he's not going to change. You have to decide if you're happy with that or if you want more.

sunnyside

unhappycamper wrote: »

Try starting and running your own business in a recession, being single leaves me with one focus, suceeding in life for me, I am number 1 remember

I find relationships can be very distracting too but I always wonder about that because other people who achieve difficult things (setting up their own business, exams, etc) sometimes say they couldn't have done it without the support of the boyfriend or girlfriend.

vandermeyde

Someone who doesn't have time for a relationship is someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship.

if you want something badly enough you will make time.

Zaph

Threads merged

Dub_girl_101

um so the update is we never got to meet up cuz he was playing poker with a good few of his mates?.........

So we spoke on the phone and he sounded pretty stoned and said how he was really really stressed out and that he'd love to drive to a pier and jump off? I asked if i might have been one of the reasons he'd like to do that and he said "ah there's a lot there's a lot....just so f*ckin stressed"..

Kept asking if i could drop by for a 5 min chat as i was only round the corner from his house and he said "no it's not ideal and tbh i'm all talked out if you wanna know the truth".

So I said if we could meet up tomorrow and go for a drive and he said "to the pier?" - was quite taken aback by this and my mate was listrening to the whole conversation n looked shocked when he said this and told me that he (my boyf) sounded like a "weirdo".

So I guess i can only wait til tomorrow til I know where I stand and what it is thats going on with him.

I really wanna feel sorry for him but it's gone so out of control now that i still can't even tell if it's an excuse or not

cafecolour

I don't know if he's exaggerating his stress to provide an excuse, but he doesn't sound in a healthy place at all.

How long was he single before you started dating? If he was in the habits of being single for a while, it can often be very hard to adjust back to a relationship.

Finally, tbh it sounds like he likes you but considers you a bit of an energy drain/added stressor. Can he relax around you, or are you the type that asks 'What are you thinking?' whenever there's a quiet period and 'Where are you going?' everytime he goes out the door.

How Strange

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

um so the update is we never got to meet up cuz he was playing poker with a good few of his mates?.........

So we spoke on the phone and he sounded pretty stoned and said how he was really really stressed out and that he'd love to drive to a pier and jump off? I asked if i might have been one of the reasons he'd like to do that and he said "ah there's a lot there's a lot....just so f*ckin stressed"..

Kept asking if i could drop by for a 5 min chat as i was only round the corner from his house and he said "no it's not ideal and tbh i'm all talked out if you wanna know the truth".

So I said if we could meet up tomorrow and go for a drive and he said "to the pier?" - was quite taken aback by this and my mate was listrening to the whole conversation n looked shocked when he said this and told me that he (my boyf) sounded like a "weirdo".

So I guess i can only wait til tomorrow til I know where I stand and what it is thats going on with him.

I really wanna feel sorry for him but it's gone so out of control now that i still can't even tell if it's an excuse or not

It's an excuse.

Honestly, life is too short for taking this kind of crap off other people. He may be a lovely guy etc etc but you two are going nowhere and he hasn't the guts to tell you.


Move on.

Dub_girl_101

Well I texted him like i said i would the following day to ask what time he wanted to go for a drive at and he never replied This was yesterday at 2 o'clock. Guess it's officially over now Sent him a text last night saying i knew he was going to break up with me but i would have expected him to have the balls to end it rather than just cutting all contact with me It's his bday next week i had a hotel and a concert booked

Miss Fluff

sunflower27 wrote: »

C'mon hon. Read over this whole thing again. Stressed or not he has been treating you like sh1t.

+1. And he doesn't even have the balls to break up with you properly either. Delete his number and make sure you go to the concert and to the hotel with a good girlfriend and enjoy yourself. Don't contact him again. He sounds like a waster. Regardless of how "busy" someone is, they will always make time for someone they care about.

Oh The Humanity

You're too good for him doll, really.

My guess would be he is bang into the coke/smack and the times when he is awol he is snorting/smoking/coming down/in the horrors.

One brother inside, one into drugs and a 'sick' father.

He wants to jump off a pier due to a lot of things/problems he won't/can't discuss. Drugs, drug debts etc ?

As I said it is only a guess but his lifestyle fits the pattern.

Unanswered questions, half truths etc expecting you to just wait around 'mysteries' etc -it all smacks of drugs....using, dealing both, who knows. One things for sure he's not planning you a suprise party.

Dub_girl_101

After 4 days of complete ignorance and me thinking it's over he sent me this...

"Whats up listen i know you're prob pissed with me n i'm sorry i wasn't been a prick ignoring you the last few days just needed a bit of time to think things overs it all gets as bit much sometimes thats why i'm not too big into the idea of relationships. If i stressed u out i'm sorry i had intended on ringing to talk but u already think i'm a prick so whats the point "

Then i asked what gets too much and he wrote back

"Listen i am who i am just not ready for a relationship at the mo it has nothing to do with u cuz i actually quite like ya"

So i said well what would u like to do cuz as i said i think its an awful pity when two people cant remain friends and he wrote back..

"and that we will cuz as i said i actually do like ya "jen" and maybe a lil time out will allow me to put things into perspective my heads just a lil all over the place these days"

Then I wrote back thats ok and thanks for texting and he wrote back..

"Ah no probs hun n don't worry i'll still be in touch x"

So that's it. My question is does it sound like he's been genuine? And will he actually text me?

LadyE

Hun, Id just forget about him.

He's treated you like ****..he could have at least called and said he needs space, rather than do it in a text.

If you wait for him, he will be able to pick you up and spit you out all over again - dotn give him the chance.

King of Kings

No he is not being genuine. He wants you on the end of a phone so he can ring you for meets and whatnot when he fancies.
I'll be honest I've used the "don't want a relationship thing" myself , it's a crock.
Esp the "i'll keep in touch thing" it's like having you as a backup for a date or casual sex or that 2am text "i'm in town are you about"...

Put it this way:
He doesn't want a relationship, fine.
Imagine if somebody like Jesscia Alba/ Angelina Jolie wanted to go out with him, he say yeah. Ergo he will have a relationship just not with you.

Miss Fluff

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

So that's it. My question is does it sound like he's been genuine? And will he actually text me?

You poor thing. This guy has behaved like a complete and utter baxtard to you.

Is he being genuine? Most definitely not, he wants to go sew his wild oats and doesn't want to come accross as the "bad guy" by being brave enough to come out with it and say he no longer wants to be with you.

Will he text you again? Yes, when he wants sex or no no strings emotional support or gets bored.

As hard as all as it will be for you in the short term, CUT HIM LOOSE girl. This guy had no respect for you so don't waste time with someone so toxic.

Kimia

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

...cuz i actually quite like ya"

And will he actually text me?

1st line: My god, you quite like me? How wonderful, and what a nice thing to say. (i'm being extremely sarcastic, what a load of sh*te)

2nd line: WHY DO YOU CARE? He clearly doesn't.

daisybelle2008

Dub_girl_101 wrote: »

does it sound like he's been genuine? And

will he actually text me?

A) NO he has been treating you second rate and trying to remove himself from you for ages, but you have been ignoring this and clinging on to this sham of a relationship with all your might. You just refused to accept the message and wanted to believe anything but the obvious.

Why on earth would you care?

Your real question should be:
Why do you want to be in a relationship with a stoner with issues who does not want to spend time with you and has been trying to extract himself for ages???

Spend your time learning to value you yourself. You really don't if you think that he is some kind of prize. Look at yourself and ask why are you selling yourself so short. You quoted Samantha from SATC about loving yourself more....work on that, you have a bit to go.

Dub_girl_101

It's been about 3/4 weeks now since he ended it with me and so far he's texted once a week asking what was up etc. resulting in about 4/5 texts back n forth between us both.

Tonight he texted.

"Whats up buttercup ha x"

Told him I was babysitting and he writes back

"Yeah can u baby sit me haha "

Am i wrong to think this is so damn selfish of him? He's driving me insane. He wants to be friends so why would he send me that?

I didn't write back btw..

Darthhoob

tell him to **** off and leave you alone, he just wants you for sex or whatever as and when it suits him. delete his number...get a new simcard/phone if need be. and cease all contact with him.

e04bf099

If you can be around him without being too physical then be friends with him/text him/whatever. You don't have to break all contact because you still like him. He sounds deeply depressed and he may not feel like he can confide in you yet. That might be the reason he is so distant, but he is just caught in such circular thought processes that he can't think clearly about his behaviour. He may be being flakey because he just doesn't feel like he can be genuine with you. It is a very difficult thing for some people to do because they feel so odd and he doesn't want to be rejected for it. But he knows his mates won't reject him, so he feels comfortable with them. Every lad/girl needs mates like that. Don't give up on him, but don't be physical with him. Just play the long investment and see if you can crack his shell. That doesn't mean you can't look elsewhere. Don't count on a relationship, but don't rule it out. Some lads need rescuing.

I just felt I should stick up for the lad because what might seem obnoxious, ignorant and mean from the outside might just totally blindspot a person with deeper issues. The last thing you should do is abandon those people.

Having said this, if he just wants sex, then everybody else here has the right of it.

EDIT:
The OP on the other thread has a totally different dilemna to yours, but I understand your frustration at the one-sidedness of the cut-and-run argument in this thread. I think these people are being particularly hard on your lad out of concern for yerself.