future or not of a holiday romance?

eireann1

I was on holidays abroad for 3 weeks end of aug/early sept. am back 3 weeks now, met a guy there and we basically spent the last week together. I was upset leaving him. He will be in Ireland in December for a week for work. He has rang every few days since Ive been back. We left things that we will be friends and are open to meeting new people. He said we live in different countries. He doesnt believe in long distance relationships, has experienced them before and said they don't work, so this was his suggestion. I was ok with that too but still carried a torch for him so knew i wouldnt be rushing to meet someone new. He was on the phone yest to me and mentioned Dec, I asked would we still be friends afterwards and he said of course. I dont want to go asking him would he think we have a future as with any relationship it would be too soon, at the same time I dont want a friends with benefits situation which is what it is looking like to me now.. Should i just move on

Wibbs

In situations like this where I'm not sure I ask myself what do I actually want from this and if it's possible I can get it and it's healthy for me I'll take the risk. If not I won't.

So if there's little chance he's going to move to be with you or little chance you'll move to be with him, then it does seem like a non starter. Now LDR can work, but they are hard to keep going if there's not a somewhat concrete end point in sight.

I also work on the principle that people will often tell you(or show you) exactly how they stand. Most of the time when I've been confused, it's because I projected my wants and hopes onto them and didnt listen. IMHO this guy has told you what he wants. He's said he doesn't believe in LDR's. He's told you he's going to keep his options open with other people. He's told you he's coming over and it sounds like it'll be back on for that time and he's told you you're "friends" either side of that. He sounds pretty clear to me TBH. He's gotten your approval too, so if you complain to him down the line he can come back with "well I did tell you at the very start".

IMH I'd say no, it's unlikely to be what you want and it's likely to be a FWB thing when he comes to visit. Now that may change, but I would not put your life on hold, your emotions on hold waiting for or hoping for that change.

eireann1

Thank you Wibbs for a very informed reply. What you say makes sense. It quite hard though when you meet someone to say what you want.. I would have been hoping for something that might lead to a serious relationship but you can't say that when you meet someone until you see how things go etc..

In relation to him moving to be with me or visa versa it woud be difficult to sound this out without sounding desperate as we only spent a week together. At the same time I really like him and would consider moving to be with him if it did become serious.. but I couldnt say that to him yet, it's way too early..

Was wondering if I should meet with him in Dec and if it goes well bring this up? as you said, a ldr is hard unless is a concrete end in sight - involving one or the other moving... I'm afraid he'll just say we are friends etc.. which he has already said, do you think if we spent the week in dec together, got on well, that we should discuss it... it'd be hard to bring up a future with someone that early without sounding like desperate or something, its just because of the distance id be bringing it up. Im afraid though he'll just say we are friends, we live in different countries etc. He did say to me before that he is ready for a serious relationship with someone. I don't know.. What do you think?

Wibbs

I'd meet him in December and see what transpires, but I wouldn't put too much of your energies into it. He may be up for a proper relationship, but I'd imagine in that case, given his apparent attitude to LDR, that he'd want someone closer to home? As I said wait and see, but just be careful that by falling for him you see things that aren't there in him.

eireann1

thanks Wibbs, sorry..just one more q...

do you mean by just be careful that by falling for him I see things that aren't there in him .... do you mean that I might see things that I want to see... like a potential future commitment... rather than what could be there....like a FWB situation maybe..

Also by his phone calls if we do meet for the week in Dec, i think he will be expecting sex... we didnt yet even though we stayed overnight etc and long snogging etc etc.. It's a bit soon for me in a normal relationship to have sex but given the situation don't know.. might do if thought was leading to a relationship etc but not sure if willing to put out and risk being just friends afterwards... which i know can happen in new relationships next door to eachother etc is always a risk... but meeting him in Dec comes with an expection of sex as he did kinda expect it near the end when we were on hols.. we are mature adults, thirties.. so maybe its the norm..

Wibbs

eireann1 wrote: »

do you mean by just be careful that by falling for him I see things that aren't there in him .... do you mean that I might see things that I want to see... like a potential future commitment... rather than what could be there....like a FWB situation maybe..

Yep that's what I'd be careful about.

Also by his phone calls if we do meet for the week in Dec, i think he will be expecting sex... we didnt yet even though we stayed overnight etc and long snogging etc etc.. It's a bit soon for me in a normal relationship to have sex but given the situation don't know.. might do if thought was leading to a relationship etc but not sure if willing to put out and risk being just friends afterwards... which i know can happen in new relationships next door to eachother etc is always a risk... but meeting him in Dec comes with an expection of sex as he did kinda expect it near the end when we were on hols.. we are mature adults, thirties.. so maybe its the norm..

What's the norm is what you want and what you feel comfortable doing and what is good for you. Adults, thirties doesnt mean jack in the face of that IMHO.

eireann1

Ok, thanks Wibbs for the reply, yes you're right its about what id feel comfortable doing.. to be honest im not sure its worth the risk...

eireann1

anyone else have any views on the above...

RoxyHart

Reading your post, it seems to me that you know yourself, that this will be a physical thing at most. He's already made it clear to you that he's not interested in a LDR, and if i've learned anything over the past few years it's this...if a guy says something as regards his wants or intentions, believe it, don't manipulate it or try bend it to reflect what you ultimately want us women tend to do that a bit, you know the rose-tinted glasses effect, the most concrete words can be distorted to match what we want or desire. I've been in this situation myself recently and what i decided was, this person and i can have fun and enjoy the moment or whatever moments are available but it's not going to last, there is no future in this. I can either decide to enjoy it while it lasts and have happy memories of this person and our time together or i can end it, no more contact, no looking back. In the end, i decided to go with it, have fun but not let my heart or head get too involved. Take it as a lovely experience with a great person and that's all. What you need to do is decide for yourself if what this guy is offering is worth the risk. If you can meet him in December with no expectations and just enjoy it for what it is, then go ahead have fun. If however, you feel you're becoming too attached to him already and being physical will only hurt you more, my advice would be to listen to that and let go! Best of luck!