Advice for living at home mid 20s...

LegacyUser

Sometimes it really helps me to write out my worries and have other people help put them into perspective, so I guess this is why I'm doing this. It may not seem like a big deal but it's one really bothering me, so bear with me:)

Par 1: 27. In college 40 hours a week as a mature student and studying like a mentalist. Made the decision and encouraged by my parents to move home for the duration as I couldn't work during the time so it would have been impossible to live out. (Been living out for a few years previous) So, hugely grateful for the free rent, access to tv/shower, grub. (I contribute by kidsitting most odd weekends and few eves a week, usual chores and buying groceries).

Part 2: Have a boyfriend for the past 3.5 years. Mother has occasional issues with him (no one will ever be good enough for my daughter etc etc) but dealt with it and I have asked her to keep out of my relationship decisions. Difficult, as I live in the house and he stays sometimes (once a week). Claims she has no issues with it but is as readable as a book to be the opposite...sometimes, depending in her humour. Was quite flippant about the fact we have an important weekend this weekend (parents choose to go away and have me babysit) and I asked could the neighbour babysit for one eve (which is not unusual) so i could have it off. Answer came this eve, simply 'No'.

Bit my tongue, and thought, wait a sec, the last time we had an important weekend, they booked to go away too, and I was left to babysit. While I acknowledge now I ought to have been more assertive about needing that weekend off(and more assertive in general), I just went on the premise it was a coincidence.

I have gone down the route of 'I'm 27, old enough to make my own decisions etc, if you don't feel I am puling my weight in the house please just say and I'll make a plan and act on it' but it's difficult as I'm still at home. she still feels this need to come between us when I really want her to stay out. I have said this, but she insists time and time again, she has a right to speak out about what she feels.

While ye are prob thinking, just move, it's not an option right now due to college and I am very grateful to have a room at home. I work at the weekend when there are relief hours for me and money from that goes to the house contribution and maintaining the car I bought to gain independence (couldn't afford to move out so bought a car to increase my chance of getting a job after I qualify).

I'm not really sure it's 'answers' I'm looking for here, but more some advice from those of you who are living at home because of college/recession/no job etc and how to maintain sanity. It's like trying to live the life of a normal 27 year old but tied because still viewed as a kid, making silly decisions (the boyf, which is mad as I love him dearly and can't wait to get a place together). Was so hurt by the look she gave me when I explained why i wanted Friday night off, it said a million things words could not. But I bit my tongue as she can be fiery as anything. Do I sound like a spoilt brat? I feel like it sometimes as people have a hell of a lot worse to deal with, but I cry sometimes at being 'stuck'...

CDfm

OK OP where to start - you are an adult and living at home. To be treated like an adult you need to behave like one. You sound almost apologetic for your situation and you shouldn't be.

You have a boyfriend car and college course and part time work and say you are making an attempt to behave appropriate to your age so you have to behave that way. You need to be comfortable about your situation.Don't be so anxious to keep up appearances.

You need to work out a new lifestyle as "au pair" with a different more grown up attitude to your parents. Thats the core of the problem.You mention that you get looks and non verbal communication and you need not get into that game playing if you have an important weekend then you say it straight out as soon as you know so everyone is aware of your plans and you need to work out your "sitting" rotas so you can have some sort of a life.

I think you yourself have a bit of growing up to do. If the situation isn't working cant you and you boyfriend get some sort of houseshare or something and you even a part time job.

netwhizkid

Just tell your mother that you are not free to babysit and it doesn't suit you on that night. Mothers like yours love having you living at home and wish to keep it that way and try and control your life. Begin dropping hints about moving out and you can then use emotional blackmail against her to get what you want!

It sounds horrible, but when you are at that age there needs to be boundaries between you and the parents. Your story is the story of literally thousands of young people around the country & it is normal worldwide the German's affectionately call it "momma's hotel". Still at 27 your BF would want to be getting is act in order, regardless of the "PC sharing the burden" it is the job of the male to provide a roof over the head.

CDfm

netwhizkid wrote: »

Still at 27 your BF would want to be getting is act in order, regardless of the "PC sharing the burden" it is the job of the male to provide a roof over the head.

Xterminator

netwhizkid wrote: »

Still at 27 your BF would want to be getting is act in order, regardless of the "PC sharing the burden" it is the job of the male to provide a roof over the head.

..... its off topic, but WTF?

Equality when it suits, and revert to sterotype when it doesnt eh?

back to OP, you need to be more assertive, but be aware, if your mum doesnt compromise, you may be looking at a situation where you stay at home and accept their behaviour, or you move out.

I would be of the opinion you at least have to make some arrangement perhaps with your BF, or a falt share etc, to fall back on, should your mother react negatively to you attempting to asset more independance.

Whispered

I'm sorry if this appears harsh but you can move if you want to. A lot of students work and go to college. My sister is in college and doing her masters while holding down a job. It's not easy for her, she's always busy and has very little time to herself. But she made the decision to hold onto her independance and support herself in that way. It comes with the good and the bad. You made the decision to move home, it comes with the good and the bad too. It just depends on your priorities. Moving out, or having more money in your pocket.

abceire

try to have a chat with your mother, not a fight, like approach her when things are goin kinda good, not when u ve just had a bit an argument,you can ask her thought on you living at home 1st, see is there anything maybe that u ve not noticed that annoys her, like is she really happy with ur bf staying over, i know my parents wouldnt be unless married,try to state your issues with ur mother in a nice way, she can you talk them out, like can you both do things lil differently to make u living at home go more smoothly,dont just expect your mother to change,you might have to aswell,but then this might not work, i think people in there 50s dont really change very often,i ve had to move back home too, left ireland to live in finland with my now ex gf, came home 2months ago , not sure my parents have changed since last time i lived at home few years ago, we gettin on way better ,but i think thats more down to me changing not my parents,mostly my dad and i used to row alot, my mam says i ve changed though, which is kinda nice of her to say

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your advice, I wonder sometimes if things are as bad the next day. Things are going okay today and I have the eve off.

I prob didnt clarify why I can't move out right now; prob doesn't make a difference as the thread has lots of advice now, thanks and it may not make sense to other people in similar experiences. I work 40 hours a week on placement, plus college work is done in the eve, almost every evening to keep up. I have a thesis due which is kinda nasty. And I do work, generally it is long days (8-9s) on Saturdays and Sundays on alternate weekends. I bought a car to give myself that bit of independence while at home and increase my chance of getting a job (If I chose the move out option before the car, I would have had less of a job opportunity).

Thanks for your advice. At the crux of it is an issue happening everywhere i guess...adults moving back home:(