Can't orgasm

LegacyUser

Ok so here's my problem.

Have been going out with my BF for 2 years - I've only ever had sex once before him - I'm 22.
I can't seem to orgasm.. no matter what. I sometimes think that i have but I'm not sure which is really annoying.
The crap thing about it is that sometimes I tell my him I did because he gets really dissappointed when I say I haven't, so basically he doesn't know that I never actually have!
I know that I'm doing myself no favours by saying I did but he really spends alot of time making sure I'm satisfied too - lots of foreplay and stuff.

Alot of the time I feel like I'm about to but I just can't seem to get there so to speak.
Maybe that's because as soon as I start thinking about the fact I'm about to I ruin it?
But at the same time, I never set out on a "mission" to cum, so It's not because I'm constantly thinking about it if that makes any sense??

I know you're probably going to tell me to tell him the truth but I don't think after 2 years he'd be very happy to hear that. Don't get me wrong I never "fake" I'm generally very loud as we get into it so I can get away with saying I have.

I enjoy sex and we have a great sex life. I enjoy that I can satisfy him and not cumming doesn't really bother me that much to be honest. Would just like to know what I'm missing out on really

As for Masterbation, I don't really like it. Whenever I try it it gets too intense and I just get frustrated so I just don't bother.

I don't really know what I'm asking here... I guess any advice / suggestions as to what I should do.

Thanks!!

minidazzler

Whatdouthink wrote: »

As for Masterbation, I don't really like it. Whenever I try it it gets too intense and I just get frustrated so I just don't bother.

I don't really know what I'm asking here... I guess any advice / suggestions as to what I should do.

Thanks!!

Forgetting the rest for a minute, lets focus on whether or not it is actually possible for you to reach Orgasm because if you can't get their yourself it's unlikely he will be able to. "Too Intense" can you explain this??? Are you nearly getting there but not quite reaching????

Have you tried using sex toy's or whatever on yourself.

I really don't understand by what you mean with "too intense", surely this is the makings of an orgasm?

LegacyUser

Hi OP
Dont want to be crude, but get a vibrator. I was a bit like you-sex was pleasruable but I never really knew if I was actually having an orgasm or not and masterbation, while enjoyable, just did not get me off-with sex or solo I was on the hill, so to speak, but could not reach the top! I and the boyf got so frustrated I took myself off to anne summers (did research online as did not want to talk to sale associates, i know they're helpful but i'm very shy about sex) and got myself a vibrator. It took me a couple of hours after I got home to pluck up the courage but got down to business and after 10 mins (not joking) OMG- first orgasm-trust me there is no mistaking it, you will know it when it happens. BTW I was 27, and I only wish someone had told me to get one years ago, what was I missing all that time?! Now bam, every time I use it, absolute bliss.
Taking me longer to get used to using it with the boyf, but I have never looked back. Get yourself to anne summers, think you can buy online so really no need to be worried but trust me, you will never want to go back to pre-orgasm enjoyment.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies...

Minidazzler -
Ok what I mean is, when I'm doing it I feel really sensative and so it's a really intense feeling that actually is sort of unpleasant. If that makes any sense?? I don't think I'm able to let myself go when I'm doing it myself maybe??

Helpfulgirl-
Yeah I'm really considering getting one, but I'm afraid then I won't enjoy sex with my boyfriend as much if I can orgasm with a vibrator and not him. Was this not the case with you??

Wibbs

Keep going through the intense bit. That's usually a sign of the approach of it.

Wibbs

Or as has been suggested get a toy. The only thing I would say as a caution is that IME women who rely on toys to get there, tend to have to keep using them as they learn to get to that point from strong stimulation and can find it very hard to get there any other way. Rather like a guy who stimulates himself very roughly can find it hard to orgasm through sex or from his partners attention. That's the pathway he's learned to get there. He can unlearn it, same thing with women, but its harder and it takes time. My 2 cents anyway. I'd still suggest going the keep going through the intense bit. For a while at least.

LegacyUser

Hi again OP
Yes, I do really enjoy the vibrator, probably over used it at the start, but was loving the orgasms so much I couldn't help myself. If anything, it made me more aware of my body "down there" and the best place to be touched etc-I'm more in touch with how my body works and how I need to be stimulated, and lately I've found I'm MUCH closer to orgasming during sex (well foreplay, oral and afterwards, when himself likes to get busy down there again and I'm hyper sensitive after penetration-thank god I can go unreg or would never in a million years be so open-can't beleive I'm writing this, maybe I'm not as shy as I thought!!!).
Get one (cant say it enough), but if I could do it over again, I'd have bought it with my boyfriend so he was included in the whole thing-he suggested it but I did a solo run in buying it, using it at the start. So, I would bring it up, suggest buying it together (I think I got a silver bullet medium one or something like that-rampet rabbits were just to much for me at the start) maybe use it on your own to get used to it and then incorporate it-this is the difficult part for me, I dont want himself to think he's inadequate because hes not, I just need a little extra! But I wish he was in on the whole thing, because I think it would have been better. Orgasms still great though!

krudler

If you do get a vibrator and can orgasm with it then suggest using it together, it can be a real turnon using one during sex as long as he doesnt get offended, although he shouldnt really, have you tried coming during oral sex? a lot of women cant come through penetration alone so need oral at the end or to use a toy, never bothered me in the slightest doing either as its all good

worriedman

krudler wrote: »

If you do get a vibrator and can orgasm with it then suggest using it together, it can be a real turnon using one during sex as long as he doesnt get offended, although he shouldnt really, have you tried coming during oral sex? a lot of women cant come through penetration alone so need oral at the end or to use a toy, never bothered me in the slightest doing either as its all good

there was a female sex expert on one of those channel 4 kid-learn-about-sex-documentray thingy things a couple of months ago, she said it was low, maybe only 5-10% I think? reach orgasm from penetration alone. clitoral stimulus was key.
she also said (in agreement with posts above) a number of women who use sex toys learn to only orgasm with sex toys and dnot know how to without them. This causes issues with the partner who while Im sure would get turned on with the initial introduction of the sex toy, may develop self-esteem issues not being able make you orgasm on his own afterwards.

I would agree with others as well, the "too intense" bit is usually a sign of impending orgasm, I would advise trying to get there again, and when it gets to that "too intense" bit, rather then stopping, try and ride it out and see what happens. So to speak.

LegacyUser

FYI guys, do ye know vibrators have been around since the Victorian times (did some research) and were the second electrically-powered divice to be introduced to the home? I've gotten used to mine and don't see why its such an enigma, I was a bit OMG buying one, but after I read up on them there really isnt much mystery about them, they are a tool to enhance pleasure like lingerie, porn or dildos, which, incidentally, have been around since ancient times. I think there would be something wrong with a guy whose self-esteem suffered because you were using something that people have been using for decades to get off.

worriedman

ureggggg wrote: »

I think there would be something wrong with a guy whose self-esteem suffered because you were using something that people have been using for decades to get off.

But what if she wasnt able to get off without it? And the guys giving his absolute all one night and she says sorry, youre just not doing it I need my mark 5 rampant rabbit.
Would there be something wrong with the guy if he wasnt happy at that stage?

LegacyUser

I just had to post on this one. My gf had said she has never orgasmed in her life, she brought up the topic of buying a vibrator. I agreed it might be a good start to see can she try orgasm herself.

I had tried my damned best to try help her reach climax during foreplay/sex and I didn't suceed. I had been sucessfull with previous partners. I couldn't help but still feel very inadequate with her having to result in getting a vibrator, it brings some feelings of worthlessness in me. I know all guys wouldnt feel the same but that's just my feelings and input. I feel more insecure about myself as a result of this.

LegacyUser

Guys, what about the woman's lack of an orgasm? Is that not more a prob than your own insecurities? I feel like my bf was man enough to realise me not orgasming was nothing to do with how good he was in bed-I love having sex with him, I just need a helping hand. Would you not be more concerned about giving your gf pleasure (this is how my man framed it) than your own insecurities? Jesus, its not like we're bringing in another man, its a flipping battery operated toy. Do you think your gfs should feel bad when you have one of those "it happens to every guy" moments? I know I did the first time (doesnt happen too often) but he was really clear he wanted me, it was just a basic biological function that can go wrong. Id be seriously worried if my bf thought I was replacing him with a toy because ITS A TOY. Its nothing to do with your performance, its just that our physiology is different, its a little easier for guys to come through penetration alone, and maybe you should be more aware of how our bodies work. Im not angry, just a little annoyed that men are more worried about their own feelings than about what women have been missing out on-how would you feel if you couldnt come through penetration, needed a vibrator but herself said "no, you are undermining my self esteem"? Not too good, id imagine.

worriedman

Im not angry, just a little annoyed that men are more worried about their own feelings than about what women have been missing out on-how would you feel if you couldnt come through penetration, needed a vibrator but herself said "no, you are undermining my self esteem"? Not too good, id imagine.

And how do you think the guy would feel if you said ,
"youve got low self esteem cos Im using a toy to orgasm?, how could you be so selfish, roll over and go asleep while I finish myself off". Not good.

I know I raised the point about what the therapist had said in the program I saw, I thought it a valid point and one that has been backed up up by another poster.

I do think that it needs to be understood, if toys can help you get there, use it with the BF and learn to explore yourself and find what works and try to experience the same stimulus without it, ie, speak to the BF say Ive found what works for me and this is what I want you to do. If you dont and it becomes the only method for you, issues may arise outside of the bedroom.

LegacyUser

If you think that I’m soley putting my feelings before my gf, I can assure you that is not the case. After a while when I noticed not climaxing, it was me who brought the issue up because I thought she was not enjoying sex with me.

In my previous post I was explaining how I felt about the situation, (I being a guy), I was trying to explain how this has impacted me. Of course I feel bad for her that she can’t climax, and that I can’t help her do it either, I didn’t specify that in my last post. I can't help feel useless to her. We are very happy together but I know this is a just an issue that is just going to grow and grow.

She can’t make herself climax, and i certainly can’t either. Do you think it would be normal for her to feel deep down, a slight resentment towards me that I can’t do this for her?

Wibbs

While I mostly agree with helpfulgirl's post, I would also agree that your partner should be brought in on this, or he may well feel left out or inadequate.

OK, lets reverse it for a second... Guy can't get there without finishing himself off as that's what he's used to. He tells his partner this and every time they're together he never gets his rocks off either from sex or her trying. He tells her he likes/loves her and enjoys sex with her etc. Lets even imagine after they've had sex(or during) he needs a toy everytime? I guarantee 9 times outa 10 she'll start asking questions like "is it me, am I not good/sexy enough for him". I've seen this myself at those times that it wasn't happening for me for whatever reason. So it's not just men that can get frustrated or insecure about this stuff. Not by a long shot.

Yes if that's what you need to enjoy the experience more, great, but involve him. While I agree with the notion that it's not a competition and we are responsible for our own pleasures, that can be taken to an extreme where it can make the partner question themselves.

LegacyUser

Very good point Wibbs. That's kind of how I feel. Good to read about it from a different perspective.

krudler

For anyone worried about their wife or gf using a vibrator to climax, dont, enjoy it with her instead, you dont have to just lie there while she gets herself off why not kiss her neck or her boobs while she's doing it, or even go down on her while she's using the vibrator as well, that can be a bit tricky to avoid getting poked in the eye with it though lol, doing it doggy style works wonders as well as there's pentration while whe can use the vibrator on herself at the same time, I've never had any hangup about it, like a previous poster said its nothing to do with male performance its just different for women, so incorporating toys into your sex life can be fun (its what they're meant to be) not a hindrance

LegacyUser

Im in the same situation but I can orgasm on my own but not with boyfriend. I just get too distracted and need to focus on clit fully, which is difficult during sex. I am thinking I might start using a vibrator on my clit to keep the sensation there, I think it would work for you too.. good luck!