is it right to break up a relationship of 9 months by just ignoring the other person?

LegacyUser

Hi all. reg poster but going anon for this. basically me and my girlfriend have been going for 9 months and things seemed to be going really well. im 26 and she is 22. We went on holiday lately which went well and everything seemed ok, that is, until saturday, 2 weeks ago. i went out to meet her.

She had a friend down from Dublin so i agreed to meet up with them later that night. the friend was a guy but i didn't feel threatened as she knows him alot longer then she knows me as a group of them live together while going to college in dub. he seemed a sound pretty harmless guy too. Got in to town and text her to say i was here. where do i meet her, etc. no reply. i tried ringing her 2 or 3 times but no answer. eventually after an hour she asked where i was i just as i was about to reply i met up with her and her mate and a few others. i have to admit all of that calling and texting ruined the night before it started. 3 of us then left that group to meet another one or two of her friends in the nightclub down town.

she was well hyper from drink and was buzzing everywhere but i felt like a total outsider. none of that group of friends ever make any effort really with me. i admit i am pretty quiet around them but approachable but they didn't have any interest in me from the start. i just basically stood in the one spot nursing my pint. any time i seen anyone i knew i was delighted to have a chat with them. at quarter to 2 i made an excuse to head off. i was staying at my cousins house in town o my girlfriend became suspicious. she took me outside, asked what was the matter. after denying it once or twice i told her i felt like a complete outsider tonight. she practically accused me of being jealous of guy from dub which i totally denied as i wasn't true. i just felt like a total loser with no one to talk to. anyways i headed off. things were tense. i sent her message to say i got back to the flat alright. i didn't get one til 4 next day in which had woke up with a horrible cold and we made up as i put it down to that.

following sat i had planned to introduce her to my cousin (who owns the house in town) who is heading off to chad this week. something came up for him but he gave me keys to his house. i went out an ended up with the same set of her friends in the same club. i got impression that they didn't want me there understandably, i didn't want to be there as i was practically gatecrashing a girly night out, and to a certain extent i felt my girlfriend didn't want me there. im not much of a dancer so when she tried to drag me out once or twice i made an excuse and went to jacks or done a walkabout or drunk a pint at bar. at end of night her mates went home and me and her went back to my cousins house. bizarrely we had sex that night but she was in a mood i could tell. next morning i drove her home. she turned the cheek as i went to kiss her, got out of my car and slammed the door.
later on i said i would test the water and wish her a safe return to Dublin as she was going back to college next day.
to date i haven't got a reply. personally i think the relationship is over. for her, and to be honest for i think for me too.i dont think i can for 9 months i made an effort to meet up her every weekend. i put some of my closest friends to one side to make arrangements to meet her. i had to put up with a different group of friends each night. some of them were lovely and made conversation but one or two others were a closed book. she met alot of my friends too and always made sure i made her feel part of group and most of my friends were impressed by her and nice to her.

i just think it would be wrong for her to just ignore me after i treated her well for 9 months. i paid for meals, holidays, nights out. we never rowed, i brought her home to my parents (the first girl i ever did), she was first girl i ever truly loved and we told each other we loved each other not so long ago. i guess the honeymoon period has ended since. but i seen a different side to her these last two weeks which im not sure i want to again. i still think the end of a relationship should have better closure if it is to end. an amicable parting of ways shows a sign of respect and farewell and best of luck to the other person and just general consideration for their feelings. howver i dont feel we will even have that which does bother me?

what are you guys opinions?

Silverfish

Wait, hold on. She's been ignoring you since Saturday / Sunday? Have I got that right?
If I have, I think you just had a lucky escape.

While it's up to you to make an effort with her friends, yes, it's mainly up to them (since they know each other) to make you feel welcome. The onus is on her to make sure you don't feel left out or excluded at all.

Sounds like it was a relationship that was convenient for her, but as soon as any effort was required on her part, she wanted none of it.

Now, it could just be that there's something else bothering her, or she's stressed out about something, but again, the onus is on her to communicate that.

Some closure would be nice, but I think at this point I'd call / text and give her another chance to state her case, if nothing comes of it, then I'd be moving on.

Stheno

No, she should at least have the guts to tell you it's over.

Imo her behaviour is rude, disrespectful and downright ignorant.

G-Money

I wouldn't end it just yet but at the same time I wouldn't let it drag on much longer if things are coming to a close. It sounded strange that she was accusing you of being jealous when the reality is that you just felt like an outsider. I know exactly how that feels myself, often you make an effort but its just not working and you want to get out of there as soon as you can.

She sounds a bit weird the way she's treating you alright. However if you feel the relationship is over, it doesn't sound like it's much of a loss if you don't get in touch again.

ManOfMystery

+1 for the above posts

There's one way to describe her behaviour - hugely inconsiderate. She hasn't thought of you at all on these nights out; in fact, from your description I wouldn't even have guessed she was your girlfriend - she hasn't acted like it!

If your relationship is over, then IMO you've had a lucky escape - I don't think she wants to make any effort but has been happy for you to make plenty.

If its not over, she has some grovelling to do and needs to realise she is in the wrong.

tinkerbell

Huh? Did I just read that OP right?! What is this girl's problem?! Seriously ... that is just plain weird ... going nuts at you because you said you felt like an outsider because she didn't bother to make sure you felt welcome with her group of friends and now she's ignoring you again?

She's being totally disrespectful and rude. You have been going out nine months though, the least you deserve is some sort of an explanation or whatever rather than just blatantly ignoring her. It sounds like you're better off without her, she just sounds a bit crazy. Have you just sent her that one text, have you tried calling her, etc? Would you happen to just run into her in college or something and see what's up with her, maybe seeing you in person she might have the guts to say how she's feeling to your face?

Red Hand

Give her a call and arrange to meet. Maybe there is something bothering her (not related to you) which is why she's acting quiet. None of this texting hieroglyphic deciphering thing-call and arrange to meet face to face.

It's better to have some concrete idea of where you stand than just silence.

kjl

You made a critical relationship mistake, you get her reason to believe that you were jealous of her, you should have made you excesses and left, and they should have been plausible.

What ever you do, don't contact her. Let her come back to you and be completely nonchalant about it, like nothing happened. She currently has all the control in this relationship, you need to take some back or it never be salvageable.

CDfm

She sounds like a right wawa. Very immature. I think your life at 26 and hers at 22 are aons apart.

I agree with Silverfish that you had a lucky escape. 22 going on 16 more like it.

Seeing you are in town for the week you might as well socialise and enjoy it.

wolf9

i have experienced pritty much the exact same thing before with my ex girlfriend only we had been going out a bit longer, with the same kind of age gap, me 25 she 22, whenever the college friends where around she was like a different person mad out to impress them, its hard when it is just you out with them and none of your own friends to back you up.... Its a very selfish and immature way to act.

If you did the same thing to her she wouldnt have put up with it, so you have to stop being so nice to her, you sound like you were at her service at the drop of a hat (like me) spoiling her bcos your mad about her but you have to realise that no one should treat you like that, she needs to grow up and mature, and by the sounds of it thats not going to be for a long time yet. Like other posters, i think you have had a lucky escape and as hard as it is i would recomend that you move on and find someone who wil treat you with more respect. dont contact her she expects that you will, she seems to think she can walk all over you and seems to have done it up till now

LegacyUser

I could have written your post OP, last Summer or thereabouts, as my own story is very like yours. I came very close to ending it all with her. But I didn't.

I felt like telling her to go fk herself and riding off into the sunset but I weighed up my options and didn't. That would be like cutting off my nose to spite my face, so to speak.

Although i was mad at her I truly believed that she didn't realise what a complete and utter bitch she was being. It was just immaturity and being inconsiderate on her part. She too was the first girl I was mad about and she had it all. I just couldn't let that slip through my fingers.

What I did do in the end was meet her and explain how she made me feel, and why I felt she was treating me... like sh!t basically, after 7 or 8 happy months together. It was only after she told her mates the story and they also gave out to her for being so cruel did she kind of come round to the idea that she treated me so horribly for that short spell of time.

We laugh about it now and I am very very glad we didn't finish.

My advise to you is TALK TO HER. Forget about these 'let her call you' notions. These are mind games and bullsh!t and all that stuff is fine if you're just flirting or trying to get a date but this is serious and is supercedes that adolescent nonsence. Ask her if she wants to end it and if she really wants throw away 8/9 happy months together. Explain how hard it is to find someone you click with and how lucky you are to be in such a great relationship.

And if she still wants out, tell her she was a crap shag anyway and you faked all your orgasms! Only joking, but seriously, talk to her.

ash23

Ok, I'm just going to put a different spin on things, for arguments sake


You were to meet her, time got away from her, she didn't hear her phone (and yes this was inconsiderate but not totally cruel and evil).

She;s out for a good night with her friends, some of whom she hasnt seen in a while and her boyf, looking forward to them all meeting up and getting along. But in comes the boyf in a mood, doesn't make much of an effort with the friends, stands in one spot all night nursing his pint etc then announces he is leaving. She follows him out asking what is the matter and he says nothing but she knows he's in a mood so pushes it and he keeps denying. She eventually comes to the conclusion that he is plssed because she spent the night talking to a male friend. He says no and gives the reason, feeling left out etc and heads off. She goes in and apologises to her friends for his moodiness. They make up the next day and all is well.

Except the following weekend the same thing happens. She's out on a girls night out with her mates, his friend stands him up so he tags along. She's happy out, having a few drinks and a laugh and dancing. She wants to dance with him but he's being a dry shlte and keeps refusing to dance and instead disappears. He rnight is ruined, again she ends up apologising to her friends for his behaviour. She goes home with him but they don't talk about it, just have sex but she is still really annoyed with him. All she gets after he drops her home is a text, no apology. She's still plssed with him so ignores him, waiting for a proper apology and it never comes.


Sounds different told that way eh?

Personally when I have a few drinks in me I can get into a little bubble of my own and not be worrying about anyone or anything other than having a laugh. I'm single and I go to weddings and events dateless as I don't want to be inviting someone I have to "mind" all night.
I think a club is also an atrocious place to be with people you don't know. Nobody can hear conversation, people are drunk and just looking to score and dance. That is her scene but doesn't seem to be yours. So leave her to it without being like her dad, standing watching with a face on you.
Meet her friends in a better social setting, for a meal or in a quiet pub. Not when they've been out drinking and are merry.

I think we've all been for nights out where someone joins the party late and sits, obviously wishing they were anywhere but there. It's a mood killer and it's rude.

I'm not saying OPs gf is totally in the right. I just think they aren't well suited in terms of socialising and their friends. I'm assuming all her friends are the same age as her and in college? Well, I'm OPs age and I'd rather pull my fingernails off than spend an evening in the company of a gang of 22 yr old students. I'd have nothing in common with them and I'd feel like an ould one.

So OP has a choice. Accept her for who she is and when she is out with that crowd, leave her to it. Or accept that you guys aren't compatible and find someone who is better suited.

PS I think you both could have handled this better by maybe, oh I dunno, talking about it!

Oh The Humanity

my girlfriend became suspicious. she took me outside, asked what was the matter. after denying it once or twice i told her i felt like a complete outsider tonight. she practically accused me of being jealous of guy from dub

Huh, methinks she doth protest too much.

Soon as this 'harmless' guy turns up she suddenly has a personality transplant?

Think on OP.

Her behaviour, picking on you to provoke a reaction. You can't do anything right......Its as if she's mentally already processed you out.....

She could be baiting you into row's in order to make you look the bad one.

How Strange

OP, I think the age difference could have something to with it.

She's 22, in college, hanging out with lots of friends and you're 26 more responsible and mature. I'm assuming you have a job because you say you paid for holidays, nights out etc.

She just seems like a immature 22 year old. She may be fine when the two of you are together alone but her behaviour changes once she's with her friends.

I don't think you can expect much more from her so I'd leave it be. I also don't think it makes her a bad person or anything like that but she's not as mature as you.

Phone her if you want and explain that the age difference between you means you're incompatible and leave it at that. I would advise ringing her for your own sake so you can draw a line in it. If you don't then she will probably phone you whenver she's not with her friends and do you want to be the guy who's played along by a 22 year old?

CDfm

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Huh, methinks she doth protest too much.

Soon as this 'harmless' guy turns up she suddenly has a personality transplant?

This does have a very "Im with stupid" look about it.

And, you were there as her guest and know nobody so she should have made an effort to include you.

I am a bit shy around new people - but if I am with my girlfriend and we meet her friends I get properly introduced and included. I hope I do the same but not as well as she does.

So she does seem "ignorant".

martdalto

whatnext??? wrote: »

we never rowed,

That's your first mistake! I don't think any relationship can last without having some sort of disagreements.

And this seems like it might be your first of this relationship.

You need to talk about this, even if it does mean having a bit of a row about it. If you/she is not bothered enough to talk/argue it out then one or other of you isn't too interested in working for the relationship.

Arguing doesn't always mean trouble in a relationship. Constant agreeing with each other and avoiding conflict so as not to rock the boat or upset the other person, however, does.

CDfm

martdalto wrote: »

That's your first mistake! I don't think any relationship can last without having some sort of disagreements.

Thats a tad harsh. Its fairer to say couples should discuss stuff and their feelings about situations like " I was uncomfortable in this situation because....."

martdalto

CDfm wrote: »

Thats a tad harsh. Its fairer to say couples should discuss stuff and their feelings about situations like " I was uncomfortable in this situation because....."

I didn't mean for it to sound harsh, but too many people use the "we never row" line thinking it's a positive, when a relationship seems to be in difficulty. And I think the reason these people "never row" is they are not comfortable enough with each other or the relationship.

In this situation OP, you need to talk to her. If that leads to a row (and by row I don't mean massive falling out, I just mean a disagreement between the two of you, you thinking she's wrong and should apologise and vice versa) then that's what needs to happen.

It seems neither of your are comfortable enough in the relationship to tell the other what you are really thinking. A relationship involves 2 people. 2 people who share similiar interests of course but are obviously 2 different people, who therefore will have differing thoughts and opinions on somethings.

You don't always have to "not row" in order to have a good relationship.

That's what I meant.

A Primal Nut

I was with a girl for 2 or 3 months and then out of the blue.....nothing. It happens, unfortunately.

Its incredible she can do it after nine months though!

LegacyUser

hi everyone firstly, thank you all so much for your views and for taking the time to reply. wow nearly all of them are fairly bang on the nose, even as contrasting as some may be.

Funnily enough shes a pretty intelligent girl who to look at you would think she is older but at 22 and in college, yes, you would imagine our priorities are different in terms of the long term.

the fact that this is a long distance relationship i suppose made me more anxious to see each other as often as possible. shes up in Dublin during week, kk at weekends, and im down in tipp which is an hours drive from her home-place in kk.

martdalto is fairly right. while im not suggesting it is not normal for couples to row in general. it is the just the manner of our first row has left me shell-shocked it was so out of the blue. i suppose we were happy enough to mosey on thinking we had a perfect relationship but perhaps we both bottled up things afraid of what the other would think and perhaps more openness an honesty would have been appropriate. don't get me wrong, we do disagree on things but more trivial things like hurling , politics, that sort of stuff.

ash23 also has a valid point with the non answering of phone. good chance it may not have been deliberate and she may not have heard her phone but she knew i was going out and wouldn't tell me what pub she was in. surely within one hour she could have checked her phone to see where i was.

and yes i think the general point is we haven't been open and honest with each other.

i think now is the time to be open and honest however late it may be. at least i will learn from this. part of me still loves her but i know its the right thing to let her go. i just hope she can look back and remember the good times rather then see me as "the b*stard ex". i was always faithful to her and treated her like a princess. im not perfect but i do my best.

her family seemed nice to me too. her dad got me an all ireland final ticket which for a kk man to do that for a tipp man over his own parish really shows a mark of respect.

i get the niggly feeling the second group of friends could be influencing her behaviour. the first group to be fair welcomed me with open arms but this group were almost cold to me.

LegacyUser

Last night i text her to find out what was going on and if it was over and she confirmed it was. She told me she loved me but wasn't ready to give me the relationship i needed. i poured my heart out and explained everything to her. to be honest im glad we text each other as i don't think i would have held it together if we were on the phone to each other or face to face. i found it hard to even text. i quite simply bawled my eyes out.

I am heartbroken and cried myself to sleep last night but i accept its over and had an inkling at what her response would be. She said she didn't get to text me back last Sunday and waited for me to send another. when i didn't she knew it was over.

She said she loved me but that our lives are very different. she said she never cried over a guy before and it was a hard decision but that the initial sparkle and excitement had gone for her.

i think some of you were right when you said there was a need for openness and honesty in the relationship. things went so well at first i suppose none of us wanted to risk rocking the boat. its sad to think that the one thing we both thought would keep our relationship going is the one thing that cost us it.

but we end the relationship with proper closure each others mutual love, admiration and respect which is a huge thing for me.

today is the first day of the rest of my life and while im in no hurry to look for another girlfriend at the moment, it is a fresh start. i still love her to bits but its better to have loved and lost

CDfm

Honestly OP she was taking advantage of you big time.

I am sorry for your upset - in your position you should learn from the situation and get out there straight away. I am sure you went out with her and met other girls socially who saw how well you treated her.

In your shoes I would go out straight away socialising.

useful_contacts

CDfm wrote: »

Honestly OP she was taking advantage of you big time.

I am sorry for your upset - in your position you should learn from the situation and get out there straight away. I am sure you went out with her and met other girls socially who saw how well you treated her.

In your shoes I would go out straight away socialising.

i agree

sorry but im with my guy nearly 6 years - and at 9 months i was delighted
that he was out wth me and meeting my friends and i stuck to him like glue

sorry hun but she was never serious about u and thats the bottom line

Sephiroth_dude

By the sounds of it you had a lucky escape,keep yourself busy and you'll be ok.

opinion guy

To be honest......hmmmmmm.......I think you're both acting a little silly. I don't really buy this lucky escape thing people are saying. I mean I can very very much see Ash23's interpretation of things. And it seems like you are both over thinking and over reacting to things and not doing enough talking.

Seriously, you decided it was over because she didn't text you back. She decided it was over cause you didn't text again. And then ye broke up via text and didn't talk on phone. I mean.....really .....REALLY ????? Honestly if you guys love each other and I believe ye both do - doesn't that seem a bit teenage ?

I realise I am being harsh here - but if you too really love each other why haven't ye spoken about it ??? Seriously seems like you were both playing the - I'll play it cool and see if he/she will fight for us game - doesn't work if ye both do that at same time.

Sorry OP, I know you are hurting, I don't mean to be rubbing salt in your wounds, but the way you telling this story something doesn't add up. You are both crying over each other but have only discussed it vai text ? What it actually sounds like to me is that its the long distance thing that was the problem - not helped by both of ye expecting the other to do the fighting for the relationship. Did ye discuss the distance thing ?


Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying you should be together or that ye should talk more - thats for you 2 to decide. What I am saying is at least be honest with yourself about things cos right now I don't think you are being.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Honestly OP she was taking advantage of you big time.

I am sorry for your upset - in your position you should learn from the situation and get out there straight away. I am sure you went out with her and met other girls socially who saw how well you treated her.

In your shoes I would go out straight away socialising.

to be fair she is a 22 year old and i probably expected too much of her. there was virtually a generation gap there. im at that age where im making long term plans whereas she hasn't figured out what to do with her life yet which is natural for a 22 year old still in college.

i went out last night with a friend but my heart or head just wasn't in it. it will take some time. during the week i would have agreed that she was playing me like a fiddle and had little or no interest in me but when we broke up she said some of the nicest things to me.

but there was nothing said upfront face to face throughout the relationship- I realise that now- apart from when we went on holiday we talked about past relationships, etc which 8 months into a relationship is not good enough..

the fact we broke up by text said it all. i am riddled with regret that communication on my part wasn't better. i just wanted to make her so happy and lost what was important.

i still love her and always will. Ive never felt this way about anybody, and probably until we broke up i never realised how strongly i felt. i think if she hadn't felt anything for me, even to a point it would have ended messier.

i can see opinion guys points, but i think its not an overreaction. if one or both parties don't feel the spark anymore then its probably best not to continue.
the long distance thing may have being a factor as we had a small window to meet up with each other at the weekend but to be fair we both have to maintain friendships at that time too.

Moomoo1

she just sounds like a person unable (or unwilling) to communicate. It was a matter of time before things went pearshaped.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

she just sounds like a person unable (or unwilling) to communicate. It was a matter of time before things went pearshaped.

i agree with you but it takes two to tango so i should have made my share of the effort communication wise

Sephiroth_dude

It will take time to get over her but you will in time,just keep yourself busy and if she contacts you dont bother replying it'll just make it harder to get over it.

Moomoo1

whatnext??? wrote: »

i agree with you but it takes two to tango so i should have made my share of the effort communication wise

you are correct: as many other posters said, you should have tried to sort things out in person rather than by text. But the way you were suddenly cut out didn't exactly give you much chance to do so.

Lollipops23

whatnext??? wrote: »

to be fair she is a 22 year old and i probably expected too much of her. there was virtually a generation gap there. im at that age where im making long term plans whereas she hasn't figured out what to do with her life yet which is natural for a 22 year old still in college.

Bull. I am 22 and in a healthy long-term relationship. She honestly sounds like an immature tool. Her college/career plans have fúck all to do with her relationships.

You are so so much better off without her, she sounds really selfish and immature, I mean waiting on you to send a 2nd text to decide whether or not the relationship could continue??twat of the highest order.

shellyboo

Lollipops23 wrote: »

You are so so much better off without her, she sounds really selfish and immature, I mean waiting on you to send a 2nd text to decide whether or not the relationship could continue??twat of the highest order.

+1million. "Oh you didn't send me a text so it's over". Seriously? You're well shot, OP. She wasn't invested in the relationship if that's her justification for ending it.

hollis12

yea op you can do so much better than this cowardly twat not texting someone to push for a split is really cowardly and to be honest if that happend to me it would make the split so much easier that i dodged a bullet, have you thought about what happens when she asks to be friends and acts like she did nothing wrong?