"the connection...."

LegacyUser

went out with a girl for 5 years. we broke up over a year ago. unfortunatly things just weren't working out between us. no-one cheated, no-one hated the other person, just 2 different people who began arguing too much and hated hurting each other. i never really wanted to break up, i loved her too much but she eventually couldnt do it anymore and finished it. it hurt me so much and has taken me a year to get over her. i know she has moved on and last i heard she was going out with someone else.

anyway, i gave myself time before i even started thinking about going out with anyone else. i have started meeting new people and have been on a few dates and been with different girls. These were really nice girls, we have got on very well and if i wanted,id say we could have gone out more.

thing is, i just dont ever see myself having the same connection i had with my ex. when we started going out i was nervous/excited about meeting her, i couldnt wait to see her again.....as we went out longer i still missed her if i didnt see her for a few days, all in all, just genuinely loved her.

meant to be going on a date this week with a very very nice girl i know, we have kissed a couple of times and she seems interested. i have said yes i will go on the date but i know deep down i dont have that nervous/excited feeling that i have only ever had with my ex. i dont want to mess her about but i also need to start giving other people a chance. just wondering has anyone else ever had a similar experience with an ex, you know it would never have worked out but you also know they made you feel something that no-one else ever could? opinions please?

Liam Byrne

There's two parts in the one sentence that you need to examine. Take off the rose-coloured glasses for a second, on two fronts:

whattodo09 wrote: »

you also know they made you feel something.......

Firstly, how long were you with the ex before they made you feel that.....you told us you were together 5 years, but how long into those 5 years did she start to make you feel like that ? I doubt it was immediate......maybe it was after 5 dates ? Maybe 10 ?

So if the ex couldn't make you feel like that immediately, how can you expect someone new to ? You need to at least give it the same amount of time, in order to "compare like with like" (horrible phrase, since everyone's different, but it'll do in this context)

whattodo09 wrote: »

..... that no-one else ever could?

Secondly, this phrase is completely at odds with

whattodo09 wrote: »

.....just 2 different people who began arguing too much and hated hurting each other

So if - from your first part - no-one else ever could make you "argue too much and hurt each other", surely this would be a good thing ?

I'm not being cruel, but you're looking at it glass-half-full, so I've looked at it glass-half-empty in order to balance the two and help you see that the truth is somewhere in between.

Best of luck!

hollis12

if you dont have the same conection with a ex its very hard to find a another with whom your so close, i broke up with my ex due to problems she was having ~(cruel i know) and no one compared to the closeness we felt i didnt feel right until i got her back.

Wibbs

Will somebody make you feel the same way she did? Probably not as she was an individual and it'll never be the same with another individual. But and it's a biggy, you can feel as strongly if not more so for another. That is if you are open to that. If not you're going to cut yourself off before you start down that road. As Liam Byrne said chances are high you felt that way because you gave yourself the chance to feel that way(unless it was one of those bolt from the blue moments).

In my own life? When I objectively think of women I had really deep feelings for, it grew out of an initial attraction yes, but I let it grow. I wouldn't expect to bump into a woman tomorrow and feel that connection straight away. The last time I was in love? Yes I found her very attractive physically, but at the time I also felt similar attraction for two other women. Looking back it could have gone a few different ways, but it went down that road with her, because we got to know each other and that affection and attraction grew and grew from that. The more we knew each other the more we fell for each other. Indeed we were separated by long distance for much of that time, so it wasn't the physical at play so much. I can remember when I finally knew I was in love with her and can narrow it down to a moment of clarity(or madness:D) and that moment was six months after we first met. So it took six months to establish that deep connection and even then it took more time to copperfasten it.

IMHO instant connection is often like the phrase "overnight success". It's rarely true and the time put into it can be very long.

LegacyUser

op here, thanks for the reply Wibbs and others. Wibbs, i know i have to give it a chance to let my feelings grow for someone....i just know with my ex there was both an instant attraction and within knowing her a very short time, i wanted to get to know her more and see her again. If im being totally honest, i was always told when i went out with her i was with someone "out of my league" (i hate that expression) and maybe deep down somewhere i probably felt that myself.

I am really trying to give someone new a chance but i when i spend time with someone new for a while i begin to think she is either not as funny or smart or sensible or sexy etc....Subconciously or maybe even conciously i probably dont think i will ever find all those things in one person again. Which results in me finding a fault with most people i meet...which i hate that i do.

This girl im meant to be going on a date with, she is friendly, pretty, nice all around girl.....but i just dont think i could ever see myself feeling the same about her as i did about my ex......so therefore straight away im not as interested.......

If i was reading this post right now, my advice would be give someone new a chance and see how it goes....i know that......but putting that into practice is a very different thing. wish it was different but its not, and its preventing me from moving on properly.

Wibbs

There's also the angle that you've simply not met someone that matches up to her yet. Maybe these women you've met since aren't of the same "league" as this ex. You've said that you felt your ex was out of your league, well then I would be looking to date out of your league again.

If you're only going for the safe option, the easy option then connection is not nearly as likely. The safe option is easier too, especially if you're still smarting from the loss of that ex, if you're still feeling insecure in yourself because of her rejection of you. Add in a huge lump of your life wrapped up in someone you thought was in it for good and no wonder you feel adrift.

Are there leagues? IMHO yes there are, but they can be pretty fluid and individuals differ wildly in what they find attractive. I would say women have a wider range too as a general thing. Look at the thread running in AH entitled "Who do you think is the most physically beautiful person in the world?" There's a fair few opposing opinions on that and that's at the extreme. There are women there I wouldn't be pushed on at all, yet another guy would crawl across broken glass just to say hello to them.

I say arse to leagues in your case. I mean she went out with you, so forget about the league thing, or at least acknowledge that you were in a higher league than you thought before. I mean she went out with you for 5 years which is a long time. Well past the honeymoon stage, so it was hardly a one nighter she regretted the next day. And if she was that great she would have had plenty of chances to jump ship in those 5 years.

Keep looking and don't settle. Give as many women as you can a chance but don't string them along either. Filter out the women you have a fair idea you have no interest in. Look closer at the maybes and keep your mind and heart open, but keep looking.

ash23

I think for a while after you come out of a LTR that ended badly (aka where you didn't really want it to end) you tend to feel a bit numb about things.

You are saying you are "over it" but you aren't really. You might be over the pain part of it but I found that when the pain ended a numbness settled in for a while.

It's still there a bit. It's only when I meet someone that I know is a dead end that I allow myself to feel anything for them. My friends reckon I should work for Bord Fáilte because of all the tourists and Irish guys who were emigrating I have ended up involved with

I'm still not at a point where I want to travel down that road again and open myself up to the misery that it seems to inevitably bring.
So i'm not actively dating as it wouldn't be fair.
I'm in the "fun" phase. Going out with friends to clubs, having drunken kisses and dead end relationships. It's all I'm able for right now. But already the novelty is wearing off and I'm already getting fussier about my kisses and one night stands.
I think in time I'll stop the "fun" phase and probably meet someone special but I can't force it because it's not possible to force it.

I think you just aren't ready to date. You won't meet the woman of your dreams while you are still so damaged from your previous relationship. Even if she came up and kicked you you'd look at her with a certain melancholy.

You'll get there, as will I. It just takes a bit more time. A year isn't that long of a time to get over a 5 yr relationship. I'm a year and 5 months and with each month that has passed since the year mark, I find myself getting over it more and more and more.
Another few months and I should be grand but I won't and can't rush it. Everyone is different and heals at their own pace.

Oh The Humanity

you also know they made you feel something that no-one else ever could?

The cold truth is there are hundreds of thousands of 'the one' s out there for everyone.

You might have to go through a hundred dates to find the next 'the one'

You only think she is the only one wou can make you feel something that noone else ever could because you haven't done the numbers.

You are attributing special qualities to this girl that several hundred thousand other girls in the world have too for you.

Keep on moving.

Edit: I disagree with the idea that you should have to wait for the 'connection' to grow. I've had three long termers in my life and with all the connection/attraction was instant. I don't believe in having to work on a relationship in the first 6 months/year. I feel if the attraction/connection is not strong enough then, well there is no point forcing it. If you are not literally walking around in a narcotic high because of them, well then whats the point. Pipe and slippers is for laters.

Liam Byrne

I'll try this again...

whattodo09 wrote: »

when i spend time with someone new for a while i begin to think she is either not as funny or smart or sensible or sexy or frustrating or argumentative or hurtful (albeit unintentionally) or no longer interested (remember : she broke it off) etc....Subconciously or maybe even conciously i probably dont think i will ever find all those things in one person again.

*N.B. edits in bold added by me - not from original post

Like I said earlier, I'm by no means trying to paint your ex, or your relationship, in a bad light.

I normally try to focus on positives, but there's a reason why I'm focusing in the negatives in this case - because all of the above (your post plus my edits) describe your former relationship - based on your first post in this thread - you're just "wallowing" slightly and only allowing yourself to see the plusses.

And just like it would be completely unfair to take my negatives completely on their own, it's also unfair on yourself to focus only on the positives; understandable, but unfair.

It was 5 years, and if it were two or three months off, I'd be a lot less harsh on you. 5 years is a long enough time, and getting over it will take time, but the fact is you're not even letting yourself START to heal or move on; the first step would be to evaluate it honestly - no rose-coloured glasses, see the plusses and minuses.

All that said, there's no set time on feelings; all I'm saying is to let yourself at least start the recovery process.

Best of luck!

Wibbs

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Edit: I disagree with the idea that you should have to wait for the 'connection' to grow. I've had three long termers in my life and with all the connection/attraction was instant. I don't believe in having to work on a relationship in the first 6 months/year. I feel if the attraction/connection is not strong enough then, well there is no point forcing it. If you are not literally walking around in a narcotic high because of them, well then whats the point. Pipe and slippers is for laters.

Oh I agree, I think we only differ in definitions. I would have had the attraction at the start with long termers in a pretty obvious way, but mostly physical with some mental thrown in. I would say conenction for me anyway is that deeper intimacy that only comes with getting to know the person more and more and that can take time. The length of time is down to the individual and can vary from weeks to months. Like in the example I gave above of my last long termer, I felt attraction for two other women at the time. I didn't feel a connection and intimacy beyond that. How could I? I didn't know them that well. I ended up knowing one of them for longer and built that intimacy with her and that for me in that case took 6 months to come to a head. In the past it has happened a little faster too though.

Basically I was trying to say(badly:o) that maybe the OP is looking for and expecting the same connection he felt well along the road of his ex relationship with someone new. That he should give that part time to build, so long as the "wow" factor is there at the start.

Oh The Humanity

Wibbs wrote: »

Oh I agree, I think we only differ in definitions. I would have had the attraction at the start with long termers in a pretty obvious way, but mostly physical with some mental thrown in. I would say conenction for me anyway is that deeper intimacy that only comes with getting to know the person more and more and that can take time. The length of time is down to the individual and can vary from weeks to months. Like in the example I gave above of my last long termer, I felt attraction for two other women at the time. I didn't feel a connection and intimacy beyond that. How could I? I didn't know them that well. I ended up knowing one of them for longer and built that intimacy with her and that for me in that case took 6 months to come to a head. In the past it has happened a little faster too though.

Basically I was trying to say(badly:o) that maybe the OP is looking for and expecting the same connection he felt well along the road of his ex relationship with someone new. That he should give that part time to build, so long as the "wow" factor is there at the start.

I got ya now! Agreed!

LegacyUser

op here again, thanks to everyone for the replies.

What are peoples opinions on me going on this date then with this girl? I was the one who suggested we go out on a date because we have been with each other a few times lately. I cant not go considering i suggested it. But in my head all im really thinking now is she doesnt make me feel anything like my ex did when we began dating and i cant see me ever having that connection with her like i had before. If i am feeling like that, then i musn't be all that interested in this girl......I work with this girl and have known her for a long time so i dont want to mess her about, but I also want to start giving other girls a chance and trying to move on from my ex and maybe growing to like someone over time like some of you's have suggested?

LegacyUser

Here a suggestion -
Write to your ex to either get some closure or see if there's a chance of getting back together. Either way it'll be the end to you comparing her to every girl you meet.
Write a letter, be honest, truthful but to the point.
Give her one week to reply, and then move on. Don't go on the date with the girl from work. If you don't feel that connection with her, it's not fair to be stringing her along.
At the end of the day you're not going to feel the same about the same two people.
But i think you are still holding out some hope for your ex.
Good luck