I'm need help because I cannot stop telling lies

Cath09

I am a 29 year old woman and I really need some help. I don't want to walk into my doctor and say to him I think I have a physcological problem and go through the motions with him, he also knows my family very well so would rather go straight to whoever I should, be it a physcologist or physciatrist (sorry about the spelling).
The problem is this, I am a compulsive liar. I cannot stop telling lies, nomatter how wrong I know it is and wanting to just be honest, I have to lie and I am ruining my life and have done in the past and should learn from these things. But, alas I did not and still screw things up.

I am engaged to be married and yes, I have told lies, bad ones to my fiance in relation to things like money, jobs (getting fired and saying I left) and my health (said I was sick when I wasn't). He still thinks these are true about me and on we go until I decided to lie again. I should have learned from my last relationship, we split up because of my lies and his friends woke him up to my lying as I told a massive one, that I had a life threatening illness but made a full recovery and then would say certain people he was close to were being not very nice to me when they were not. I knew this was wrong and yet I still lie.

I don't want to live like this anymore it has to stop and the crazy thing is I know it's wrong yet I still do it.
I am lying since I was about 11 or 12, the first one was in school telling everyone myself and my family were going to Sweden on holidays when we clearly were not. I did alot of the same thing going through secondary and was bullied and had no close friends, who would want to be friends with a liar?. Thing is, started off secondary so well had lots of lovely friends and was popular, so why did I have to ruin all that on myself by telling lies?. I didn't need to impress anyone!. I made my 5 years of secondary hell for myself by loosing friends because of my lies and then it led to being bullied and blamed for things just because I had the name of being a liar.
I went onto college and stopped the lying and made great friends, who I still have to this day and then I started to lie again over the years.

What is wrong with me?, can someone tell me how to get help to stop this?. I tell serious lies that do have a bad effect on my life and others when the truth comes out. It's even got me on the wrong side of the law. I am also terrible for hiding the truth from people.Thing is, I am not a bad person and I know I should not be doing this and yet I still lie, even about the most stupid things!. I then regret opening my stupid mouth straight away. Basically, someone could ask me what I did on Saturday and I could very well lie about it!....and I don't know why.

I come from a good family, parents strict though, had a good childhood, well educated and have a good career yet I am a compulsive liar and need help.

Please help.

Oh The Humanity

It sounds involuntary, Im only guessing. But there are disorders which psychiatrists would be able to diagnose and treat which involve compulsive lying.

You have to get help. Go to another GP that doesn't know you or your family and get referred on. There is no shame in seeking help for behavioural problems at all.

In fact I think its a good sign that you are able to admit (even on an anoymous forum) to yourself that there is a problem and its damaged your relationships in life.

Of course its going to be scary but not as scary as not doing anything about it. You may well be able to seek treatment without anyone else in the world knowing.

I worked with a girl with this problem. She was from NZ (so she said) anyway it was sad to see how her lies were destroying her. I guess she had burned so many bridges she had to keep moving throughout the world due to painting herself into a corner with lies.

At one stage she told us all she was pregnant, yet she got a tattoo while supposedly preggers, took several long haul flights, drank like a fish and even at supposedly 8 or 9 months never had a bump. It was sad. She'd forget the lies she told but anyway obviously she had to leave before the supposed due date. So she lost a good job through lies and that was he least of it.

Anyway thats just an example, Im sure you have your own. Thing is if you leave it fester you will be found out. Your husband to be will be angry if he realises you are lying on a regular basis. Maybe with treatment you can avert that disaster. You can turn things around. minimise the damage.

username123

Hi OP,
Sounds like the only thing stopping you from getting the right help is that you are embarrassed to go to your own GP - solution, go to another GP.

You will have to get a referral to the right consultant for this problem and the only way to do this is to get a GP referral, you wont be able to skip the middle man and make a direct appointment yourself (at least I dont think so, but it might be worth researching this yourself and seeing do any psychiatrists allow self referral?).

Anyway, theres no shame at all in going to a GP, any GP and telling them about this problem. It seems like a huge deal to you because you are afraid that they are going to judge you - theyre not.

Its human nature to tell the odd white lie, self preservation, save embarrassment, cover a small mistake, whatever.....
Whats happened to you is that this perfectly normal mechanism has gone to an extreme and needs to be sorted out.

For what its worth I know someone who had the same issue, he constructed an entire fake life to the people he worked with, a life that was nothing like the life he really lived. It all came down around him when a supervisor accidently found out that he was making this life up. He left the job and went missing. He turned up later and lied about where he had been. His family realised there was a problem and he ended up seeing a doctor and going for counselling. His job were totally understanding and kept the position open for him but he chose not to go back there.

He moved on and got past this issue and now has a different job where he tells the truth about himself. He says himself that it was almost like the lies just got away from him, it began innocently, someone picked up something he had said incorrectly and he was embarrassed to correct them so he rolled with the lie and then realised that he got more positive attention for his fake life than his real life so just kept getting in deeper and deeper. He quickly reached a point where the lie was too big for him to pull back from without major embarrassment. He suffered huge stress as a result of this - similar to the kind of stress you are describing in your post.

For this guy it came down to self esteem issues - he lied to avoid embarrassment because he wasnt confident, then he continued the lies because it made his life sound more exciting and people were more respectful and interested in his fake life.

The point it - it happens to people, GPs wont judge, and its possible to get past this problem - so please go and see a GP and get a referral because you are only putting yourself under unnecessary pressure and stress the longer you allow it to go on.

HarryD

I knew someone similar.. she even lied about been pregnant in order to get back with her ex.
There seemed to be no limits.
I had to phase her out, as I was finding myself in tricky situations due to her lies.
I expect the same has happened to you.

In this case most of the lies were concocted to make her look the victim, in order to
get sympathy/attention. ie: She felt inadequate and needed attention.

My advice - you obviously need to stop ASAP. Otherwise you risk loosing everything.
People will respect you more for telling the truth, especially in siutations where it would be easier to lie.
Life without the sympathy vote ain't bad.. try it

LegacyUser

Well you certainly have a complex problem.

I have to admit, when I was younger I used to tell some tall tales to make myself look more interesting. I'm sure I got caught out a few times too but nothing ever came back to my face and I grew out of it as most people do.... mostly because by the time you get to your age life is usually complex enough without inventing anything.

So. Obviously you need to seek professional help. But for what its worth its seems like there are a least two aspects to your problem:

1. You have continued in this behaviour because at least 50% of the time you are getting 'positive feedback' - people believe you and you get attention. Now, as you've said, you've had a good few situations where things have backfired. So your own mental 'positive feedback loop' is wearing thin and therefore you are ready for change. The good news is that when you are ready for change, change starts to (slowly) happen.

2. I suspect that underneath all this you need this 'positive feedback' to feel good about yourself; to feel like a normal person. You say you have been bullied alot in the past. Regardless of who's 'at fault' for the bullying (which you seem to take a huge responsibility for?), it seems like you are still suffering from it. You need professional help to work through these self-esteem/bullying issues. You are possibly still trapped by these 'critics' ... but these critics were kids... would you allow yourself be criticised by a child now? Challenge these inner critics. You're as good as anyone else.

Practical advice:

1. Professional help, go to any doctor for a referral.

2. Make a list of things you like about yourself.
Give yourself a break, if you had no integrity at all you wouldn't be on this forum struggling with the truth.

3. Maybe you need a 'point of honesty'. Maybe you need one person you can be totally honest with. This might be a very good friend - but perhaps one who isn't part of your everyday circle. It could be your boyfriend, or it could be a counsellor. If you can't bear to tell a friend or boyfriend, maybe get a notebook or write yourself emails. But write often and write only the truth. You need a place for just the truth... and over time you'll develope 'the truth habit'.

The truth will set you free....

Bottle_of_Smoke

You don't need a GP to refer you to a psychologist. Though you might get a recommendation. You wouldn't have to tell your GP why you're going to one either.