Busy but lonely

LegacyUser

I'm 28 but I feel as suffused with teenage angst as when I was 14.

I've recently started a new job in the city, which is keeping me occupied for long hours every day of the week. I've had no time for anything else since I began. In most ways, this is excellent. I love the work, and I'm so happy to have found a job in this climate. I'm predicting that I'll be on top of things enough by Christmas to start taking evenings off, but at this stage, I'm regularly taking work home and working past midnight. I'm really keen on being brilliant at this job.

But then, I turn out the lights and I'm alone. Really unexpectedly, the week after I accepted this job, my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me. We'd discussed the job before I took it because I was wondering how it would fit in our plans for the future, but he assured me that I should take it. His proffered reasons were nonsense - that he wanted to stay in the country, and that he wanted to get stoned every day etc. I was so angry that I haven't spoken to him since, but I've heard from a mutual friend that he has since moved to another country. I mean, WTF? He wanted to be an Irish culchie, and now he's somewhere under European sun, which is something he'd *never* mentioned wanting to do??

Sorry for rant-within-moan. I think I'm way better off without him, even though I miss him terribly sometimes. What really is bothering me is that I don't have enough friends of a platonic nature. One friend just jetted off to Oz for a year out. Another moved to London for work. 2 other of my good friends already live in London, and 2 live in different places in Ireland. I possibly wouldn't be such a workaholic if I wasn't so lonely, but I'm afraid to do the traditional friend hunting things because it would interfere with my work. I keep telling myself to just grit my teeth and bear it until I can manage my work enough to go out and get some hobbies and meet people. The time I spend in the office is great, but I work as many hours and more at home and I'm so lonely at night that I keep bursting into tears.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Sorry for your troubles. You seem to have a lot on your plate between your boyfriend and the new job. New jobs inherently bring a lot of stress too, integrating with a lot of new people, fitting in, performing. Not going out and trying the "traditional friend hunting" isn't going to probably help though, as new friends probably won't just appear, apart from those in your new job. Although you don't feel like it, maybe you should try and just get the ball rolling with it.

You feel your under pressure with work, so maybe try and find something at the weekend to start you off. I'm assuming you have a bit more free time at the weekend? So that leaves you free as such to be busy with work during the week? I don't know what your interests are, but lots of gyms run classes at the weekends, hillwalking groups exclusively only go out at the weekends, there are some good links in the outdoor pursuits sections on boards.

I'm the same age, and have felt very similar the last year or two. All of my good close friends no longer live near me, and the 2 or 3 acquaintances that I have are really only interesting in drinking! I found it very easy to just throw myself into work, which didn't help matters at all! :-) I joined a yoga class to start, one night a week but made a huge difference to how I was feeling. Managed to get some people in work to go out hillwalking too every couple off weeks.

Try and keep your spirits up and don't let it get the better of you! :-)

santana75

I understand your problem. I was in a similiar situation only it wasnt working that was keeping me distracted, it was some other activity. I wont go into the details of the thing I did that occupied most of my time (because too many people would know its me)but what Ive realised is that late at night when I did stop, I'd feel all the things you described. At first I tried to block the feelings out by being busy all day long and then going straight to bed. This way I didnt give the feelings a real chance to get at me. But it didnt work because they manifested themselves in other ways e.g. fatigue, muscle pain, feelings of apathy. I'd crave company and feel so isolated, especially at the weekends.
But after a while of feeling sorry for myself and wondering when I was going to meet some people who'd take my loneliness away I realised that I was looking for external answers to an internal problem. The problem was I wasnt comfortable in my own company. So what I did was pretty simple, everyday Id take time to sit with myself, just breathe, become completely still and feel whatever feelings came. There was loneliness, frustration, anger, fear and lots of others. I didnt fight the feelings or let them dictate my actions, I just felt them. It took some time but gradually the intense feelings went away and I was fine in my own company. I didnt feel lonely or crave the company of others.
So I dont think the answer is to go out and join clubs or whatever just so you can meet people. Sure you can do that but you'll be at the mercy of the actions of others, meaning you'll need people around you most of the time in order to feel happy. And thats like living your life on a rollercoaster. Dont get me wrong, theres nothing bad or wrong with wanting the company of others, but ultimatley we all have to be comfortable on our own. I actually think youre in a good position, even though it probably doesnt feel that way right now. You have an opportunity to really get to know yourself and learn how to be comfortable in your own company which, trust me, is a gift.
Have you ever seen the film V- for- Vendetta? Theres a sequence of scenes in it where Natalie portmans character is put through all manner of torture and eventually shes told she's to be executed. But she had accepted she would die long before they told her of her impending execution. Shes not executed in the end but she felt no fear at the prospect of death. Up until this point she had lived in fear all her life but after this she lived without fear.
And this is the point: you can be afraid of something like being alone or dying alone or whatever but when you accept the possibility that this could happen and feel all the feelings associated with this the paradox is you'll no longer be controlled by feelings of fear or loneliness or isolation or whatever.
Does this make sense? Im sorry if I havent explained myself very well. Basically what Im saying is sit with yourself and feel the feelings, it'll set you free.

cafecolour

The combo of working a lot and a recent break-up of a ltr is def bad for building a social circle.

The habit of working a lot can be hard to break. I'd second the suggestions of starting by joining a class or group or two - yoga and hillwalking are good suggestions. You can slip them into even a busy schedule easily enough, and even if you don't necessarily click with anyone, the social interactions there will provide some sense of socializing. Plus you'll get exercise

LegacyUser

Thanks for the empathy. It's good at least to know that this isn't such an unusual stage of life.

And this is the point: you can be afraid of something like being alone or dying alone or whatever but when you accept the possibility that this could happen and feel all the feelings associated with this the paradox is you'll no longer be controlled by feelings of fear or loneliness or isolation or whatever.
Does this make sense? Im sorry if I havent explained myself very well. Basically what Im saying is sit with yourself and feel the feelings, it'll set you free.

This does make sense, but it's terrifying. I am afraid of being/dying alone and I don't think I'm ready to accept it as a rational possibility. Wow, you're a strong person, Santana.

I had joined a kind of club, but had to quit after only 3 weeks because I ended up scheduled to work that evening. I've signed up for language lessons from next week, so hopefully that'll help!

thanks for the replies.