Can't cope socially

LegacyUser

I can't believe I still have this problem. Basically, I'm not a shy person, I love being around people and doing stuff, but I am really bad at meeting people. For whatever reason, I find college situations the worst. I wasted 3 of my 4 years in college sitting in my room on the internet or watching TV (the other year was Erasmus and I did have fun). I tried and tried and tried to join societies and do stuff, but usually I'd turn up to meetings, see a room full of people and lose my nerve, or go along but feel left out. All the way through college I just felt like I didn't belong. Other people seemed to 'click' and have fun, but I just didn't. And the more I tried, the more depressed I got at failing. I used to spend weekends alone in my room, feeling desperately lonely as I heard other people partying and messing. I really longed to join in but I didn't know how. I knew I was wasting my college years but it felt like there was nothing I could do.

After I graduated, I actually had much more fun. I met a guy and my social life was mainly with him, going to pubs, gigs, hanging out at home. I met friends through work. I stopped feeling that loneliness. I actually forgot what it felt like. We broke up last year but soon after I did a month long teaching course, and had a blast. Met some really fun people. I thought my social anxiety was long gone.

Well, now at 24, I can feel it coming back again. I am doing a postgrad and I don't know if it's something about college, but the last few nights I've felt so lonely. Must be to do with the crowds of people having fun all around me. I never used to mind being in on a weekend night if it was quiet and I was watching telly but now I have no TV and all I can hear is partying. It's even harder now as I am 6 years older than all the 'freshers' - anyone I've talked to has sort of slunk away after finding out I'm a postgrad, can't blame them really as I thought 24 was ancient when I was 18. This should be a prime place to meet people, but in reality, there are so many people everywhere, I just feel overwhelmed. It's so difficult as deep down I am very social and love to interact, but I just feel so awkward and out of place. I feel like people think I'm stupid or boring. There is a postgrad event on Friday in one of the college bars, but I don't know if I can build up the nerve to go. The thought of walking into a bar full of strangers, on my own, fills me with dread. What am I meant to do, go up to people and start a conversation? I've never been good at that, except at house parties after many drinks. I feel pathetic having this problem, but it is a very real one. What can I do? I cannot waste another year being alone. When I feel like this, I can't even study as I'm too down. Any advice is very welcome!!!

ddef

Kick yerself in the arse and go to the party. Life is too short for regrets, and by the sounds of it, you already have 4 years of rue under your belt. GO.

LegacyUser

That's not really very helpful.......I said I have already tried so, so hard to go to things and join things and it never happens. I have been to these things and I just end up sitting there or latching on to someone who doesn't want to talk to me, it's not a question of 'just go'. I wish it were! I'm considering having a few drinks before going on Friday, even thought it's early!

clartharlear

lonelylady wrote: »

I feel like people think I'm stupid or boring.

First rule of making friends: everyone else will be so concerned about what you think about them that they won't be judging you.
People like being liked. If you appear to like someone, then that is providing them with something they like. Thus they will associate you with gaining something they like. If after a while, you genuinely do like them, this association will deepen, and they will genuinely like you too.

Key: Be interested, not interesting.

LegacyUser

You're associating college with being miserable & lonely, even though you've moved on from that since you left. I was very shy when I lived at home and even though I'm no longer like that, I find when I go to my home town I slip back into my old shy ways again. Dont know why but it just happens.

Just remember that you've been able to socialise and make friends in the years since you left college so you can do it. It'll be hard but go to that event & mix with people. I'm sure most people wont know many other people there, so really it's a matter of making an effort even if you feel uncomfortable initially.

Darthhoob

clartharlear wrote: »

First rule of making friends: everyone else will be so concerned about what you think about them that they won't be judging you.
People like being liked. If you appear to like someone, then that is providing them with something they like. Thus they will associate you with gaining something they like. If after a while, you genuinely do like them, this association will deepen, and they will genuinely like you too.

Key: Be interested, not interesting.

+1

OP you sound a hell of alot like me, i have the exact same difficulties, and i let it get in the way alot over the years...and tbh it still does (and i'm 27). it got so bad i sometimes hate going out of the house on my own (i can do it but i feel SOO anxious). i used to be like that all the time whereas now i only get like that once in a while.

i found what the above poster has said to be helpful, i realised that although i may be a bit odd and crap at starting conversations....people liked me! cos i liked them! i dont know one person who doesn't think twice before going upto a stranger and talking to them, but most people can overcome it...you can too but may have to work harder tis all.

you can start conversations with strangers, is there noone in your class you could recognise so you have a topic? are you not allowed to take anyone with you? i think your age would actually make you more interesting to other students tbh, i remember the more mature students at college were REALLY popular, and even though once i was 18 when everyone else was 16, they seemed to be in awe that i was older than them....even if it was only two years lol.

i think people are their own worst critics, i know i am! i imagine alot of people have the same thoughts as you are having, probably be a few other people on their own there who you could talk to. if it does get too much you can always leave (i presume)

Thornography

Ill be watching this thread closely, as I have the same problems so i know exactly how you feel, But its only when I'm in college and sometimes in work when my friends arnt in.

My main thing is *What must that person think about me since i'm so quiet right now and have nothing to contribute*

What gives me piece of mind is people genuinely like me when im not in an environment where I feel pressured. So I try bring them to my environment where I feel comfortable and the anxiousness goes away straight away.

Instead of going out to clubs with people I barely knew having to make awkward conversations, I used to throw parties in my house and have some people round, not too many, but eventually had more and more different people so I got used to them in a more intimate manor. This worked ****loads for my anxiety as I sort of had control over who was there and what we did. So after time, in college and work e.t.c people got to know me slowly, (I applied this logic to other non drinking activities aswell, dont worry)

I still to this day, cant jump straight into a group of people in an environment i don't feel comfortable in and click with them. But from my previous stated methods, Most people I know , know this of me and understand. So its a HUGE relief off my mind.

I hope this makes sense / gives a bit of advice.

Its HARD HARD work, and your going to keep feeling like this from time to time, (I still do, allot) but the end justify's the means!

cafecolour

I'm very similar, though I've gotten much better over the years. I've moved enough times and had to hit the reset button that I've gotten better at it, but the old anxieties are always there, especially at the start - the first mate or two is the hardest. Even on a day to day basis - you put me in a pub with a few mates around and I'll be chatting up strangers, meeting people, having the craic. You put me in a pub by myself and I won't talk to anyone.

There's a lot of good advice on this thread. To re-emphasize - a lot of this is in your head. I'm 32 and have a number of 19-22 yo mates I go drinking with - they don't all care that you're ancient

Definitely go to the postgrad event Friday. It's a group of people who don't know each other initially and you have the easiest icebreaker in existence - "What are you studying?".

If you want the full first dialog, here's how it goes:

You walk into the bar. See group of people you suspect is postgrad group. Walk up to one:

You: Hi. I'm looking for the postgrad event. Is this it?

Other Postgrad: You're in the right place.

You: Excellent. Have you come to these often/do you know what the plan of events is/etc. bit of small talk about the event.

Other postgrad: Helpful info

You: Thanks. I was a little nervous about coming here, since I'm studying XXXXX and don't know in other postgrads in the field. What are you studying? (or to a group - are ye all studying the same thing?)

You might be thinking you can't even do that, but the initial approach is essentially basic informational - ie like asking for directions. I bet you can ask a stranger for directions, so you can ask someone if you're in the right place as a point of entry.

And the "I don't know anyone here", while that might seem embarrassing to you to admit (it's not, so don't be) can work wonders, especially when said to a small group of people. A lot of people will then take it on themselves to introduce you around or look after you a bit.

LegacyUser

oh god thank god i'm not the only one, i feel the exact same! i'm not antisocial, i love going out and i love parties but meeting new people is just so hard for me. it's as if people take an immediate dislike to me, i don't know why. god it gets so stressful. i'm in first year and i have made some new friends, so i'm not completely alone but there's such a difference between what i'm like normally when i'm with friends, and what i'm like with new people. why!!! op good luck with your postgrad night!

LegacyUser

i am 24 too and am in college, in 3rd year. I have two or three close friends but find it very hard to mingle with the big group, feel very old compared to most of my class, and also like now its too late to even try! also never seem to be myself around new people and hate having to make conversation.. good to hear others feel this way too. i would say you should def try going to the party, as they are postgrads too they probably will not have many friends in college and might also be feeling just as anxious as you. good luck and let us know how you get on..