Religious Differences

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl for the last four months. I think she's totally amazing and am in love with her. We connect on so many levels and have so much in common except for one big thing... religion. She's very religious and I'm not. I wouldn't consider myself an Atheist but I turned my back on organised religion several years ago and have no real desire to go back. I have told her that I am willing to go to Mass with her on occasion but cannot promise anything. I am actually interested in going and see it as a relaxing, thoughtful experience.
Her religiousness is not a problem for me, in fact I admire a lot of aspects of it and think it is part of the reason that she is such a nice person. My main concern is that my level of religiousness will bother her so much that things will not work out.
So, I'm wondering if anyone on here can share any similar experiences. Can a relationship work around such a difference of thought? I'm hoping so but I don't really know.

Thanks for reading. Any responses would be much appreciated.

neuro-praxis

There are always exceptions, but general wisdom would state that successful couples share similar values.

Wagon

Its a balance. You accept her religious beliefs without problem and even make take part occaisionally, but she should also accept the lack of yours. It works two ways, and if she's not willing to do that then it won't work.

Beruthiel

religulous wrote: »

So Can a relationship work around such a difference of thought? I'm hoping so but I don't really know.

That would be entirely up to the couple themselves.

I personally could never be with anyone religious.
I'm a staunch atheist though and consider religion to be on a par to believing in Santa or the tooth fairy.

Something you must consider now, are you happy to have any furture children you may have to be religious?
This is a question you should answer for yourself.
I know it's early days in your relationship, but you should be self aware on these kind of things anyway.

LegacyUser

OP, I have just come out of a long term relationship because of religious differences and it was very painful to love someone so much but not be able to agree on this, however we were two different religions. Even though we had a shared general value system, there were some things we couldn't get over, namely the fact that we were religious in our own faiths to very different levels.

While it may be early days yet, you need to think about things like children, will you be happy that they would be brought up in a potentially very religious environment - that they would follow all aspects of her faith - baptism, communion, confirmation etc.
What is her concept of sin, does she take a literal view of the bible, would things you think are relatively inoffensive be a big no-no for her?
Even simple things like you want to go away somewhere for a weekend/have a heavy Saturday night out - will she want to always be able to go to mass on Sunday, and want you to come too? Will that annoy you over time?

Do you suspect that she would find you hypocritical for being involved in religious ceremonies (e.g. wedding if that day ever came) if you are not a real believer in her religion?

On the whole t is not something to take lightly, the best course of action is to sit down and be as open and honest about this from Day 1 - it can be very easy to let this sort of stuff drift and then have a difficult time down the line
Best of luck

OS119

Hi OP,

i'd echo Beruthiel and expand.

personally i'd look at a genuinely religious 25 yo in the same way i'd look at a 25yo who genuinely believed in the tooth fairy, the Spagetti Monster in the Moon or Father Christmas. its a respect issue, i can't respect the intelligence of someone who believes in God: i'd think they'd have to be intellectually sub-normal, its as simple as that...

but, if you are able to live with their belief the two issues remain; to what degree do they respect your feelings (are they as bigoted towards the irreligious as i am towards the religious?), and where are their - and your - big red lines in terms of how they/you would wish their own lives and those of their children to progress?

what would be their view (and lets not forget the views of their family...) about baptism, confirmation, religious schooling etc... for your children, even if you were opposed? does 'compromise' mean the kids get the religious upbringing and you get to bitch about it on the internet?

what would be their attitude to contraception - if you don't want any/more kids, does that mean no sex?

what happens if you decide you don't want (as in, really, really dislike the idea intensely) a religious wedding?

every couple has to compromise, the problem when you have a 'mixed' religious/non-religious relationship like this is that her views are to some degree 'controlled' - certainly heavily influenced - by a body outside the relationship. you can think whatever the hell you like, change your views, agree and disagree with what ever you want, but if the other half is very religious they may not give themselves that intellectual freedom, and of course, as is the nature of church doctrine, what can be fine one week can be a sin the next - and you'll have to live with it.

i'd also suggest taking the answers to these questions with a pinch of salt - rarely, (imvhe) when people are presented with their firstborn, does their observance of their religious belief mellow... in short, the answer you get tomorrow about religious education or baptism (for example) might be very different to the answer you'd get to the same questions when the baby is 2 weeks old...

RossFixxxed

Ah lord OS, calm down. I'm an atheist, but that's just talking down to people with an almost... religious, fervor.

Look many couples differ on all kinds of things, you seem passively uninterested in religion, rather than an aggressive anti religious protester so that's good. It depends on how much of a deal clincher it is for you and for her really....

Some much smarter people than you or I belive some pretty stupid things...

CDfm

I believe in God and would be considered by some a bit of a goer ...a Church goer that is:D

Anyway - I have been i a relationship for the past 12 months and my girlfriend is agnostic/atheist depending on whose definition you read.

The religious part never really comes into it except she has been known to kick me out of bed some Sundays and hog the bed.

Toto Wolfcastle

Has your girlfriend actually said anything that might indicate that she has or will have a problem with your level of religious belief?

Kimono-Girl

from your post id say you have a great chance of making it! i am anti church and religion in general and my OH is VERY into Catholicism, believing in god....etc it's all in how you approach issues where religion may be involved...

once he dragged me to an easter mass and i enjoyed it, not for the religious-ness mind you i loved the candles/fire/music....

his uncle is a priest and i've even told him of my non believing and it didn't bother him in the slightest nor did it change how he felt about me i think his uncle respected my honesty....

when we had our daughter my OH admitted he wanted her baptised, again most would find this an issue but to be honest as a non-religious person what difference did it make to me to have some water splashed on her head?, where as it meant more than that to him...

it won't affect you as such if you don't believe in god/religion as then it will have no meaning to you, just respect it has meaning to her and you will have no problems...

it is also wise to remember those who claim religious people to be less inteligent for 'believing' in god or comparing them to those who believe in 'santa' usually will be the ones trying to force others into believing their non-beliefs....and it does make me feel bad to know they obviously don't understand why people believe....it is in most parts a comfort thing...

how many kids are comforted by the fact after the pain of losing a tooth a fairy will swop it for something nice, or that if they are good santa will come to them, it comforts them and makes them happy just like religion obviously is where your GF will turn when she needs help...some people find comfort in religion, some don't i don't but i hate people who put down those who do believe.

take your chances with her if you think you can accept her beliefs, and good luck!

LegacyUser

I'm a staunch aetheist and my partner is a fundamental christian and I think thats sweet!

I didn't want to be an aetheist but thats how my mind works. Believers seem to have happier lives than those of us who see ourselves as alone in the universe.

If we have kids I will probably defer to my partner where ritual is concerned. No big deal for me because I think people are hard wired to believe or not and will turn out their own way.

LegacyUser

Thanks Candlelover. That's very reassuring to hear.

Handsome Bob

You have to ask yourself OP whether you see it as being a cause of conflict in the future. I'm sure you can tell by now just how much religion revolves around her daily life, so you should be able to predict whether a time will come when she tries to 'force' her beliefs on you.

I personally wouldn't have a problem.

krudler

Depends really, if shes a true believer I'd be worried, a cafeteria Catholic not so much since thats what most people are , believe in some stuff but the obvious nonsense they wouldnt . I'd ask if it'll play a part further down the line, what if ye ever had kids and she wanted them raised strictly Catholic? would it bother you?

sleepyescapade

If you can both come to a compromise then great and good luck to you but bear in mind in the longterm she may wish for you to convert 100% and if you don't want to then it will cause issues and lead to a breakup. Was in this position before.

jackal

Same situation, we are the guts of a decade going out. She does not have a problem with what I (dont) believe, I don't have a problem with her beleifs. Any relationship is ultimately built on compromise, and to the poster who said generally those with similar views make good couples, as far as I can see, opposites attract. I certainly do not want to go out with a smug, rougishly handsome atheist such as myself.

LadyMayBelle

same situation here, would have grown up in an extremely spiritual household (not religious) but lived ,breathed the scriptures. The Oh has very different opinions.

I think a good couple can compromise while respecting the other beliefs.

Going on 4 years this weekend:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the stories guys. Good to hear that it isn't completely impossible.
Really gives me hope for the future.
Hope you all have a great weekend.

Up de Barrs

Hi religulous, I'd say I'm in pretty much the same situation as you with the exception that I am going out with my girlfriend a bit longer. While I dont have any religious beliefs I'm happy to go along to mass the odd time for family occasions, its no big deal, its all about being with your partner in what they want to do. To be honest the biggest potential difficulty is your respective attitudes to sex but as you are going out four months I presume you have dealt with this. Thankfully my gf has a very liberal attitude to sex and feels the church will "catch up" with the modern world eventually. Out typical sunday morning is me getting up to get the papers and make some breakfast for us (we dont live together but might as well do), after a bit of loving she'll get up and go to mass and I'll watch a recording of match of the day and read the papers. Best of luck to you.