Engagement Rings - good or bad idea?

Kooli

I know there's a wedding and marriage forum, but I wanted to get a general women's perspective on this, not just from people who are getting married.

I feel a bit uncomfortable about the whole 'engagement rings' thing, because I feel it has become such a huge focus that it almost swallows up the engagement itself!

The decision to get married is so important and special, and the timing should not be determined by when the man can afford a ring!

I've heard of couples who have decided to get married, but they are not 'engaged' yet because they are saving for the ring! I heard of another couple who got engaged, but didn't tell anyone till weeks later because they didn't have the ring yet. It's like the ring overshadows the whole event!

And that's to say nothing about the inherent sexism involved in the process!

I've heard so many girls who obsess over the idea of the ring, and when a friend gets engaged the first thing they do is look at the ring and sometimes judge it for not being big enough!! WTF??

I would love to forego the whole thing, but I don't know if that's a bit too dramatic. The ONLY positive I can see in the tradition (literally the only one) is that you know your husband-to-be has put thought into the proposal and it's not spontaneous or spur-of-the-moment. Some people may like a spur-of-the-moment proposal, but when it comes to a lifetime commitment I would like a LITTLE more consideration than that!

So basically I believe that if a couple are in love and want to get married, this decision should not be hampered by the worry of having to buy a diamond. Nothing should get in the way!

So what do you think ladies? Anyone decide not to have a ring and get any negative reactions? Anyone do something different instead?

shellyboo

I'm not a high-maintenance gal, and I'm not materialistic... but I have to say, I'd be gutted if I didn't get an engagement ring, for whatever reason. That said, if it was something I felt strongly about and my partner agreed (not to have one, that is) I think that's fine.

I definitely think people should do what they want to do when it comes to getting engaged/married - as long as it's a mutual decision. I know I'd feel a lot of resentment if my fiance didn't want to get me a ring out of principle.

Silverfish

I would agree, I would like a ring, but if it cost any more than 250 euro at most I'd be upset - I'd be converting it into tv's or speakers or camera lenses in my head.
And I'd be terrified of losing it.

So, ring = yes, but a ring that needs to be saved for or planned for - god no

I'd prefer an engagement lcd tv - something we'd both get use from

Xiney

I didn't get an engagement ring.

I want a ring though... I like sparkly things

Kooli

shellyboo wrote: »

I'm not a high-maintenance gal, and I'm not materialistic... but I have to say, I'd be gutted if I didn't get an engagement ring, for whatever reason. That said, if it was something I felt strongly about and my partner agreed (not to have one, that is) I think that's fine.

Oh gosh I agree with that! I think that because it's such an established tradition it would be a bit off for the guy to decide he didn't 'believe' in them.

I think it would have to be the woman's decision to put a halt to the tradition.

So no other ladies who don't like the tradition?

b3t4

I wouldn't be happy to not get an engagement ring. I'm trying to think of why I wouldn't be happy about this but I'm not actually sure of why. hmmmm Maybe it's because I love jewelery. I attach memories to jewelery more than I would any other item. I have some jewelery that I've had for years. Some jewelery takes me back to the exact moment when I bought it and the happy memories with that or reminds me of the person who bought it for me which will also make me smile.

When we do get engaged he'll be getting a fancy watch from me and I'll be getting a fancy ring from him. Something for each of us to treasure and attach memories to and look at in years to come with fond thoughts.

Nauseating

Kooli

I guess I just feel that it adds so much pressure to the event.

I personally don't believe in it. I think it's sexist and materialistic. BUT I feel that if I were to say 'No ring thanks' that people wouldn't know WHAT to make of it. My worst fear is that they would judge my (currently non-existent) fiance badly for it, as if he is a cheapskate! (same if there was a ring but not a diamond one). And I'd have to explain it each time a bunch of girls lunged for my hand! And how do you explain it without offending others who really like the idea of a ring?

00112984

A friend of mine got an engagement cello

shellyboo

Kooli wrote: »

Oh gosh I agree with that! I think that because it's such an established tradition it would be a bit off for the guy to decide he didn't 'believe' in them.

I think it would have to be the woman's decision to put a halt to the tradition.

So no other ladies who don't like the tradition?

Kooli wrote: »

I guess I just feel that it adds so much pressure to the event.

I personally don't believe in it. I think it's sexist and materialistic. BUT I feel that if I were to say 'No ring thanks' that people wouldn't know WHAT to make of it. My worst fear is that they would judge my (currently non-existent) fiance badly for it, as if he is a cheapskate! (same if there was a ring but not a diamond one). And I'd have to explain it each time a bunch of girls lunged for my hand! And how do you explain it without offending others who really like the idea of a ring?

I'll put my hands up and admit that I presumed you were a bloke not wanting to buy one! Sorry, I'm an idiot.

I think if you don't want one, you shouldn't have one! Would you like some other gesture, or are you not fussed at all? I'd just really like something to mark the occasion, I guess.

As for explaining it, if you do it with a big grin and lots of confidence, people will take their cue from you. If you're meek and all "oh, a ring, I er, don't have one..." then people will judge because they'll sense you're not 100% comfortable.

I think it's all about attitude. Do what you want and be proud of it!

John Mason

a good few of my friends didnt bother with the whole engagement ring thing

and the rest just got token rings - nothing crazily expensive

personally, i wouldnt be bothered with one

Morgase

Kooli wrote: »

I personally don't believe in it. I think it's sexist and materialistic.

This is how I would feel about it but then I'm a funny case cause I don't wear jewellery and I don't ever see myself getting married. (If I do get married for tax reasons or something, I don't think I'd get an engagement ring.)

SeekUp

My OH and I decided to get married, and even though I told him I didn't need a ring, he told me that he still wanted to get a ring and surprise me with it and everything. I said okay, no problemo . . . and, let's be honest, it will save me the hassle of explaining to everyone why I don't have one.

I wouldn't say they're a good or a bad idea at this point in time -- unless, of course, it puts you in debt!

Joey the lips

I think personally they are bad! 1000k spent on a ring! could have bought you much more

but then again if my women likes it i would spend 10k on a ring if i had it

so figure

35notout

I got engaged once before - subsequently split up.

But I couldnt justify him spending loads on a ring cos we were broke (nothing has changed for me worse luck)

So instead we had an engagement holiday to Rome together and I used my mums enagagement ring!

Which was much much handier when we split up tbh

I would definitely want a ring. As it happens, I was 17 when I got engaged and I got a gorgeous cubic zirconia ring which cost about £40. It was perfect for me but my fiance insisted on buying me a real diamond when he could afford it which was about a year later - I would never have minded if he didn't.

If you don't want a ring, there is absolutely no need to get one. If it's the cost of the diamond, then don't get a diamond. You could get your birthstone (as long as your birthday isn't april!). You could get a necklace or something. You could get a pair of shoes!

I got my husband a really good leather coat, Matrix style. Unlike Diamonds mind you, it was not forever, god I'd cringe if I saw him in that now :pac:

xzanti

Morgase wrote: »

(If I do get married for tax reasons or something, I don't think I'd get an engagement ring.)

O_o

littlebug

I'm not a jewellery person at all (I lose things ) but I did get a ring. That said it's not a very engagement ring-y type of ring but a very "me" type of ring. i got the strangest looks and "oh isn't that unusual" said with a half smile . I've managed to hold on to it for 10 years though I don't wear it on my engagement ring finger and don't wear it all the time (feck... where did I leave it :o).
I once met a woman who gave her engagement ring back to her finance and asked him to change it because she thought it wasn't sparkly enough because people weren't oohing and aahing enough :rolleyes:

LadyMayBelle

I'd like a ring. I'm not a jewellery wearer per se, I wear chunky/plastic/beadsy stuff moreso than silver or newbridgey stuff, but I think I would melt in delight at the sight of a lovely antique style engagement ring. Not expensive tho, as I would be thinking it would make more sense to put the money towards household goods/a holiday etc. A colleague of mine has a beautiful ring she and her fiance picked in London at some place where the diamonds are not gotten like the ones in Blood Diamond! It's simple, elegant and classy.

Quackles

I got a ring, alright, but we agreed beforehand that we were not going to go over 400 euro on it. Turns out we did go ever so slightly over, but not much. And guess what? I never, ever wear it now. Also, my much cheaper wedding ring means so much more to me. But I never wear that, either I just hate working with jewelery on. I wouldn't judge you or your fiance, op, for not getting a ring. In general, people get engaged at the time of their lives where they are also saving for deposits on houses, etc.. Personally, I think it's insane to spend huge wads of cash on a rock. Just be confident when you say that to those who will inevitably ask to see the ring.

Eglinton

Only got 2.5 grand a month value out of this one, the poor fella!:P

http://www.donedeal.ie/for-sale/jewelry/1004031

I like the idea of my OH and I both having engagement rings.

I don't want some stupid diamond (yes, I read that whole debeers thing) and I definitely don't want a very expensive ring! I'm in the habit of misplacing all jewellery, I don't want to accidentally drop thousands of euro down the drain one day... plus I don't like wearing rings/bracelets/watches. I'd make an exception for this though


*goes off to look for 21st birthday jewellery again, sigh...*

Quality

After waiting 9 years to get engaged, I wanted to make sure I was getting my moneys worth out of him... So we did spend a few quid on it.


Hopefully it will be in my family for a long time to come. I got it specially made.

Morgase

xzanti wrote: »

O_o

Did the tax reasons thing sound that weird? I suppose it did, at that

Ok well I'll put it this way - I have no interest in getting married, but I'd do it if it meant that my boyfriend would get my house inheritance-tax-free if I died. That sort of thing, just to make him my legal next-of-kin.

Malari

Morgase wrote: »

Did the tax reasons thing sound that weird? I suppose it did, at that

Ok well I'll put it this way - I have no interest in getting married, but I'd do it if it meant that my boyfriend would get my house inheritance-tax-free if I died. That sort of thing, just to make him my legal next-of-kin.

That's how I feel about it!

I wear different rings on my fingers, depending on how I'm accessorising! I wear a ring with cubic zirconia on my ring finger sometimes. A friend I hadn't seen in a while thought I was engaged, but another friend I see often said if she got something like my ring as an engagement ring she'd be giving it back because it was too small! Yikes!

I wouldn't need a ring, same as I don't need any jewelry on any occasion, but it's still nice to get a present. I would be happy with a non-diamond one of course. However, I would buy him something too.

Doghouse

Loads of people I know didn't have engagement rings - neither my mother nor either of my grandmothers had them. Not sure why with my grannies (maybe it wasn't the done thing back in the day??) but my mum felt it was too expensive and she wasn't bothered. One of my friends got a car instead and another refused to have one for feminist/politicial reasons.

panda100

I dont like jewellery and never wear rings so If a guy presented me with an engagement ring I would know he knew nothing about me!

I think its important to show your commitment to each other in some way though.

shellyboo

Malari wrote: »

I wouldn't need a ring, same as I don't need any jewelry on any occasion, but it's still nice to get a present. I would be happy with a non-diamond one of course. However, I would buy him something too.

This! I'd definitely want to get my fiance a similar token of the occasion.

shellyboo

shellyboo wrote: »

This! I'd definitely want to get my fiance a similar token of the occasion.

Yeah like I said I'd love him to have a ring too. Wouldn't be right otherwise, I think it's a sweet tradition

John Mason

Morgase wrote: »

. (If I do get married for tax reasons or something)

there are no tax benefits for being married anymore except for the transfer of tax credits, if one person decides to give up work

SeekUp

There's an interesting cultural custom in . . . I think it's Turkish, perhaps? Don't quote me on that . . .

Both the bride and groom get "engagement" rings and wear them on their right hands, and then when they're married, they both switch to their left. I think that's really sweet, actually.

Azureus

Im not a huge believer in marriage, but if my bf was going to propose I would expect a ring. If he didnt have one, I would think that no thought had gone into it. I would like something to hand down through generations to come. It wouldnt have to be expensive or hugely bling, but I would like a traditional diamond ring (thats my birthstone too, so other stones wouldnt make sense)
That said, Id definately get him something too, an engraved bracelet, a ring.. something.

Malari

Azureus wrote: »

That said, Id definately get him something too, an engraved bracelet, a ring.. something.

Can't see my fella wearing jewelry! It would have to be a watch I suppose. :P

Morgase

irishbird wrote: »

there are no tax benefits for being married anymore except for the transfer of tax credits, if one person decides to give up work

Ah I know, it's more that I want him to be able to inherit my house and stuff if I die, without him having to pay inheritance tax. A bit morbid really

The Big Red Button

I never wore any rings at all before I got engaged, but it never really occurred to me not to get an engagement ring.

When my boyfriend proposed, it came as a surprise to me in that I wasn't expecting it on that particular night - but I did know it was going to happen sometime. I mean, we both knew from a couple of years before we got engaged that we wanted to get married someday, and had often talked about it.

So, I suppose our engagement didn't really symbolise us making some major life-changing decision, as we had already made that decision and discussed it long beforehand. You could say that getting engaged symbolised our commitment to that decision ... but then, if we did decide to break up for some reason, being engaged wouldn't stop us from doing that.

So from that point of view ... getting engaged was really just a way to announce our decision to the world, and an excuse for a party! And my fiance had, without me knowing, been saving up for my ring for an entire year before proposing. It meant a lot to me that he had been planning and preparing for so long, and he really did want to get me a nice ring. So yeah, the ring was quite pricey, but he could certainly afford it - in fact, it actually cost a bit less than what he had saved up.

There is no way I would have let him get into debt by buying my ring. And if we had kids or a mortgage, I'd have felt very uncomfortable spending that much on a piece of jewellery. But in our case, he could afford it, and it was just a nice way to celebrate our relationship. It's nice to look down at it every day, and be reminded of him.

If someone I knew didn't get a ring, though, I certainly wouldn't judge them for it. It would be unusual, yes, but not "bad" unusual. I mean, plenty of people choose never to get married at all, and there's nothing wrong with that! I wouldn't look down on other people for deciding not to get a ring, just as I would hope that they wouldn't look down on our decision to get one. Everyone's situation is different, what suits one couple isn't going to suit another. So it's not just as simple as saying that the tradition of buying an engagement ring is, in general, a good or a bad idea!

niamh4626

Kooli, are you going to take your future husbands surname when you get married?

Kooli

Great to hear about all the different ideas people have!

I think I like the idea of commemorating the occasion with SOMETHING, but only if we both got something, and it definitely doesn't have to be a diamond ring!

As for the surname thing...oooooh that's a tough one!!!

In principle I don't really want to change my name because it's my name. BUT I'd hate my kids to have a different name to me! (and I would definitely like them to have his surname and I would definitely not do double-barrell). I just like the idea of us being 'the somethings', our own unit!

The feminist in me really doesn't like the idea of giving up my name, but then seeing as my name is my father's name anyway, it's still part of the same patriarchal tradition.

So it's a really tough one.

As for being walked down the aisle and being 'given away' by my father, and having all the speeches at the wedding being by men 'on behalf' of the women - NO WAY!! (if I could get away with not doing any of that without hurting anyone's feelings of course...)

shellyboo

It's funny the different things we are ok with!! I HATE the tradition of having someone speak "on behalf of the bride", I think it's absolutely crazy! But I'll definitely be having my Dad give me away, that's really important to me.

Horses for courses and all that!

The Big Red Button

Kooli wrote: »

As for being walked down the aisle and being 'given away' by my father, and having all the speeches at the wedding being by men 'on behalf' of the women - NO WAY!! (if I could get away with not doing any of that without hurting anyone's feelings of course...)

Yeah I'm planning on having a tiny little wedding somewhere sunny, and I'd like all the people there to make some little speech! Only very short speeches though. It makes a lot of sense to me, seeing as we're only inviting those who are very close to us.

As for my father "giving me away" ... if it's something he wanted to do, I wouldn't have a problem with it. It would probably mean more to him to do it, than it would mean to me to not have him do it, if that makes any sense!!

SeekUp

chatterpillar wrote: »

As for my father "giving me away" ... if it's something he wanted to do, I wouldn't have a problem with it. It would probably mean more to him to do it, than it would mean to me to not have him do it, if that makes any sense!!

Makes perfect sense.

Tupins

Hi Kooli,

I think nowadays it's totally acceptable to just do whatever feels right for you. When I got engaged / married I didn't fall in with a lot of the 'traditions' and the things that I apparently 'had to' do.

I didn't get married in a church.
We didn't have an engagement party (not comfortable with that whole thing)
We had no first dance, traditional wedding cake or speeches.
We just did things our own way and we enjoyed it.

One thing I do love though is jewellery, that's just me. So I did get a lovely ring, not very expensive, a real but small diamond. Plus my husband got a ring too, a man's celtic looking band, which he took off and replaced with his wedding ring when we got married.

So I say, whatever suits you both you should go with.

claireycork

A ring does close the engagement off as such but it shouldnt be the main focus of an engagement or put you off if you cant afford one! I was engaged a few years ago (we broke up since) but my ex bought me a ring for 80 euro! He couldnt afford anything more but it didnt matter the price it was what it meant. I was happy (at the time lol).

Lillylilly

Kooli wrote: »

As for the surname thing...oooooh that's a tough one!!!

In principle I don't really want to change my name because it's my name. BUT I'd hate my kids to have a different name to me! (and I would definitely like them to have his surname and I would definitely not do double-barrell). I just like the idea of us being 'the somethings', our own unit!

Kooli, I have this opinion as well, so my boy and I have decided that when we get married, we'll change our name together, to something we have chosen. We chose a name that unites us, and means something to the family we are going to create. We toyed with the idea of emalgamating our surnames, messing around with the spellings to make a new one but felt this was much more personal.

Black Swan

Side benefit... When out with friends to a pub or club I sometimes wear my Mum's engagement ring to ward off one-liners. It works!

LadyMayBelle

What did you do Tupins?

d'Oracle

Just a bit on the cost of rings and Diamond vs not Diamond.
(little bit off topic but I feel strongly bout it.)

1. I'm sure a few people have seen the movie "blood diamond".
It is very hard to find Diamonds that are not either conflict diamonds or from exploitive sources.
http://www.hotscams.com/articles/971/1/The-Diamond-Trade-in-2007-How-Much-Blood-Remains/Page1.html

The Kimberley Certification is hit and miss as a guide for finding ethical diamonds.

http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2009/07/22/f-blood-diamonds.html

There are ethical diamonds coming out of some countries, but its hard for people to get access to buy them. Canada springs to mind.

2. Diamonds in engagement rings are not a "proper tradition" the concept is an invention of DeBeers. A South African Diamond marketer. Personally it angers me to see such wanton materialisation and social programming being so effective. For me marriage is an expression of love and such base commercialism has no such place in it.

http://www.edwardjayepstein.com/diamond/prologue.htm

Basically what I am trying to achieve is that people (ladies and Gents) read up on the Diamond thing so the are aware of the ethical issues involved (if they have any).

On topic, in my experience, Ladies like pretty things.
I know my lady would like one, so she will get one. Despite how I feel about using something as inconsequential as Jewellery to represent something as important as Commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone.
Just not a Diamond.

skywards

I can't see myself caring one way or the other. On one side, ooh sparkly! On the other, I can't keep track of anything, much less jewelry, even if it is sparkly :P.

yawhyawh

i got inengaged 6months ago..i love the hole engagement thing:o .i picked my ring because i want asmall and neat one,.and i got ...

pickarooney

I couldn't stomach the idea of paying over 100 euros for a ring, or of buying a diamond (gaudy, trashy-looking yokes). It's one of the reasons we never got married, if I'm to be honest (the whole hoo-haa about traditions and appearances and what have you is a bit nauseating). Fortunately my not-fiancée feels the same. I did get her a ring for the birth of our son though.

irishbird wrote: »

a good few of my friends didnt bother with the whole engagement ring thing

and the rest just got token rings - nothing crazily expensive

personally, i wouldnt be bothered with one

Were they network engineers?

/gets coat and scarpers

Blush_01

I don't think I'll ever get married, but if I ever do get engaged, I know exactly what style of engagement ring I want. I don't expect it to be purchased for me, I'm more than happy to get it myself, but I need the excuse.

iguana

Kooli wrote: »

I personally don't believe in it. I think it's sexist and materialistic. BUT I feel that if I were to say 'No ring thanks' that people wouldn't know WHAT to make of it.

I don't like the engagement ring idea for the same reasons as you. It's quite clearly sexist - unless you are going to get a similar value ring for the man too. And if you are I think it sort of takes a way from the wedding ring. It's all very well saying "it's tradition" but lots of traditions are being abandoned, especially those that are sexist against women, but this tradition which is sexist against men is still clung to.

What we did was wait until we had everything pretty much planned out wedding wise before we told anyone we were getting married. We told people in April that we were getting married in August. That way the whole engagement period was sort of bypassed as we weren't telling people we were engaged, we were telling them we were getting married in a few months. So it was about the wedding not an engagement.

amdublin

iguana wrote: »

It's quite clearly sexist

How so?