GF and wedding plans

scrubber72

My GF and I are due to get hitched next year. She is a job that might not be in place come december this year. The thing is although I have a decent job and i do love my GF very much its this. She wants the typical Irish wedding with all the bells and whistles (not over the top). 200 guests approx and the whole thing works out at around 20 grand not including the honeymoon. I have tried to say countless times that we should go away and get married but she really wants to have her day in the sun( her parents are quiet old and cant travel and she is the youngest in her family too.) Am I being greedy or mean askin for her to even consider going away to get wed cause in the current climate it looks like to me that after the wedding we wont have a pot to p1ss into. I am thinking that if we go away we could save about 10 grand and that could go towards a house.
Help my head is wrecked and i need advice. Thanks

John Mason

sorry, your gf wants to spend 20k on one day and you dont even own a house

i would be telling your gf to cop her self on and there is a budget of €3,000 for the wedding no more, no less. you can have a fablous day for €3,000.

you need to put your foot down now

crazy

ash23

WEll, this is a perfect opportunity to work on that little thing called "compromise" which is fairly important in a marriage.

You can't expect her to go away to get married, especially if her parents can't travel.
But she needs to understand your concerns about the financial aspect.
Explain to her that you don't want to start married life in debt, stressing over bills. That you are worried it will cause problems in your relationship and you would really like it that the first years of your marriage are happy ones.
If you plan on having kids then bring that into it, that you are worried ye will have to delay having a family because of the wedding debt. The deposit for a house is another thing.

Try and agree a smaller budget. No need for 200 guests at a wedding imo.

Silverfish

She's not being unreasonable for wanting to get married where her parents can attend - if she wants her parents at her wedding, and they can't travel, the option of going away is out.

She is being absolutely completely undeniably unreasonable about the rest of it.

You have to find a compromise on this, be it a registry office wedding, or cutting the guest list to immediate family and having the reception in a restaurant, or something. But anyone spending 20K that they don't have on a wedding in this (or any) climate really needs to look at their priorities in my opinion - which is more important, the marriage or the wedding?

Wibbs

Silverfish wrote: »

which is more important, the marriage or the wedding?

+100000 For too many the latter is the case.

seamus

There has to be give and take on both sides really. On one hand I don't think it's fair for you to really push the "going away" option on a number of fronts:

1. Her parents may not be able to go. This makes it completely unreasonable.
2. Though it's cheaper for you to go abroad, you will be asking your guests to shoulder a good deal of extra burden, "in the current climate". A room in an Irish hotel or B & B will set your guests back at most €100 pp. A foreign destination with 2 nights accomodation will cost them a minimum of €500 after you take flights, car rentals, food, etc into account.
3. Many people want to get married in their home country. It's very difficult to convince them about a foreign wedding - money isn't a good enough reason.

On the other hand you do need to have a realistic budget, and she needs to be aware of it. Getting into hock over a wedding (unless its a very small loan) is madness. Provided that you're not massively starving yourselves, I don't see a problem with tightening your belts for a year or so, so that you can have the wedding you want and come out the other side with no debts. But if your budget is to include a loan which will take more than 6 months to pay off, then there's something wrong.

As a man who's been recently married, I'm going to invoke the "Friends" defence here: You've been planning this wedding since you proposed. Your fiance has been planning it since she was a child. Every time she saw anything vaguely wedding-related during your relationship so far, it has been stored in her mind as something which she may like when she marries you.

As a man, what you want is a big party with all your friends and family where you celebrate your love for your partner. You're not all that fussed what the bridesmaids wear, or what way their hair is, or who Auntie Joesphine sits beside, but she is. Wedding planning is a largely female exercise and aside from being practical from a budgetary point of view and doing the things that save her time such as collecting stuff or ordering things online, you will tie yourself up in knots and cause a lot of stress if you question the whys of the things she wants for the wedding.

Weddings are all about the bride. Many people will disagree with that, but their disagreement doesn't alter the fact.

The Weddings & Marriage forum here has plenty of discussion about saving money. Doing Irish weddings on the cheap is both possible and easy. The usual places where huge amounts can be saved are:

1. The guest list. Don't invite anyone that you haven't even spoken to in more than 3 years. Cut out long-lost cousins/second cousins/etc. Don't do +1's. Don't give parents a "quota" - let parents invite their friends so long as they're willing to pay for their meals. Don't invite children.
2. The meal. Haggle with the venue *before* you book it. Go through the meals in fine detail. You should be able to get a fantastic 5-course meal for €40 - €50/head.
3. Photographers/Videographers - Find someone who is looking to build up a photography portfolio. They'll often provide their services for free. In any case, you can always ask family & friends to take as many videos and pictures as they can and send them onto you.
4. Band - I personally think that a reception lives or dies by the music/band that's played, but you can still get good bands cheaply. If you're not concerned too much about music, just hiring a DJ for a few hours shouldn't cost very much at all. The venue might have it's own PA system, in which case a friend with a laptop full of music and a playlist that you've chosen, is free.

As others point out, you don't even have to go down the hotel route at all. Hotels charge a good deal because they have a lot of organising to do. You could arrange an intimate dinner for the immediate families and then rent out a function room or something similar to have a "reception" with the rest of your guests. They could even throw in a buffet and you'd easily come in well under €3k for the whole day. You're also easing the burden on your guests because they only have to get a taxi home and many people aren't crazy about five-course sit down meals.

messygirl

hiya some people are opting for a very small wedding and wedding dinner in a restaurant and then after yer honey moon ye can have a big party in a pub after, where ye only spend a bit on finger food and no buying rounds. Most people getting married agree that on their big day they dont get to enjoy it that much between photos, doing the rounds talking to people, early start getting ready...

compromise is the key definitely. best of luck!

shellyboo

200 guests is absolutely preposterous. You'll barely get to look at half of them. It's not fair for you to insist on going abroad if she wants her parents there, but equally you don't need to be spending €20,000 on one day, that's insane.

Sit down, talk to her. Tell her you're not prepared to spend that much. You can have a perfectly gorgeous small wedding for less than 20k.

Oh The Humanity

The fella above was saying that cliche about women are planning their weddings since they were born......true for some but so what. She is not entitled to have her dreams come true. Thats something you have to work for. Dreams are not to be indulged automatically by other people, if anything that attitude and sense of entitlement should be knocked out of kids by responsible parents.

This idea that brides are little princesses that should have anything their heart desires because they want it or 'its the brides day' encourages this type of vacuous bimbosity.

She is going to have to snap out of it. Has she got €20k ?
No?

Then she can't have a €20k wedding. If she can't pay for it, she can't have it. It's that simple.

I've been dreaming of owning a Dodge charger since I was a kid, should I demand my boyfriend provides that to me or I will stamp my foot and act as though I am being short changed by life somehow?

No, similarly why spend thousands of money you haven't earned yet on tiny marzipan minatures and the rest of the tat.

username123

You can still have a lot of guests on a smaller budget if you make some small changes to the traditional irish wedding plan.

You could have a small quiet registry office or church ceremony, followed by a nice meal for immediate family only.
Off to a nice hotel for the bride and groom that night, then the following night have a party for 200 people, dont do a sit down meal, dont book an expensive venue, just have a bar and a dj.

20K on a wedding in the current climate, when ou dont even have a house is just ridiculous. Its an absolute waste of money.

Can I ask - is this money ou have saved for a wedding or would you be planning to borrow for it?

ash23

I second the above post. I have been dreaming of a holiday home in the canaries and a life of luxury. Doesn't mean I'm going to get it. It's unrealistic.

Even if a woman wants a big white wedding with all the trimmings, she can't expect that her man automatically supply her with that. Real life isn't like that. They don't own a house, her job is on shaky ground. It would be madness for her to stamp her foot and demand her "dream wedding".

Personally if I were the OP and she were insistant on the "big day" her way, I would suggest postponing the wedding until they had saved the money for it.
I can assure you, the prospect of a cheaper wedding would suddenly become a lot more appealing to her versus waiting 10 years to get married

seamus

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

The fella above was saying that cliche about women are planning their weddings since they were born......true for some but so what. She is not entitled to have her dreams come true. Thats something you have to work for. Dreams are not to be indulged automatically by other people, if anything that attitude and sense of entitlement should be knocked out of kids by responsible parents.

I'm not talking about the "dream wedding", I'm talking about planning. Imagine you're working on a project for five years, you've the plans well under control and you have a good idea of what's going on. A few months before the project is about to be implemented, they assign someone else to your team who has no knowledge about the subject and hasn't really looked all that deeply into the plans you've made. Then he starts striking out parts of your plan because he doesn't like them or see the need for them.

See the problem? I'm not talking about her dreaming of a medieval castle adorned in swarovsky crystals, but basic things like, "We're getting married at home because...".

If the girl's parents can't travel, but he wants to get married abroad, then it just illustrates perfectly the disparity in planning here.

Oh The Humanity

seamus wrote: »

I'm not talking about the "dream wedding", I'm talking about planning. Imagine you're working on a project for five years, you've the plans well under control and you have a good idea of what's going on. A few months before the project is about to be implemented, they assign someone else to your team who has no knowledge about the subject and hasn't really looked all that deeply into the plans you've made. Then he starts striking out parts of your plan because he doesn't like them or see the need for them.

I don't feel the analagy works too well though. The two situations are different.

• Plans should not have begun before the two people invloved met. There cannot be any unilaterally made plans in marriage. How can anyone be planning a wedding before they met the groom.

• If one person has extravagent, unrealistic plans and the other is not interested then thats the end of it. One can't force the other into debt because of their unilaterally made plans/expectations. Undemocratic decision making is unacceptable.

seamus wrote: »

See the problem? I'm not talking about her dreaming of a medieval castle adorned in swarovsky crystals, but basic things like, "We're getting married at home because...".

I think I agree with this but, they need to arrive at the decisions together. Not just her dictating to him I want to spend €20 k and have 200 people. Her need to stay at home is fine.

seamus wrote: »

If the girl's parents can't travel, but he wants to get married abroad, then it just illustrates perfectly the disparity in planning here.

OP sounds more flexible than her though, she seems to assume its all going to go her way. This mindset that huge, indulgant weddings should be forced onto anyone is wrong.
I think the planning needs to be 50/50 not just OP falling in with those scary little girl Bridezilla plans!

scrubber72

Ok firstly thanks for all the response didnt think i would get so much interest in little old mes problem. The GF is from the country and the youngest of the clan as mentioned before and yes she has been thinking about this since she was little and being the last in the family i am sure that everytime she was bridesmaid for her sisters she wondered if she ever would get the chance.
I love my GF very very much and wouldnt have a problem about this wedding and would gladly have the 200 going if she had a secure job. The fact that she wont go away to get married isnt a problem with me, I would gladly have just family at this wedding and as suggested have a party after but she wants "the full day out " job. I know its gonna cause stress and fights in the next 12 months but is there any way i can show her that spending sooooo much money on one day is madness.
I dont consider myself either tight with money or a show off but its really starting to get to me that starting our life together is going to be hard due to the fact that we are saving for one day and not for a house.
Sorry to be repetitive but is there anyone out there who has been thru this?

iguana

scrubber72 wrote: »

I know its gonna cause stress and fights in the next 12 months but is there any way i can show her that spending sooooo much money on one day is madness.

Do you have €20k? If not then you are going to be massively in debt for just one day. And even if you do have €20k you will be losing the potential to do so much more with that money. Spending that money on one day will set you back by many years. It could mean the difference between having 2 children or 3. The difference between owning a small house or a decent sized one. The difference between her having the choice to be a stay at home mother or having to work whether she wants to or not.

The wedding is one day, the marriage is for the rest of your lives. Does she really want to sacrifice aspects of your future for the sake of one day? Because unless you are millionaires that's what spending that much money will mean.

CDfm

Sorry OP - but your GF wants to live beyond her means and needs to trim down the budget. Does she have 20k to spend?

The idea that X invited Mam and Dad so we need to invite her etc.

So you may need to scale down to accomadate her folks but you are marrying her and not the whole village.

If you need to put the wedding of until the financials are better do.

Price the wedding first and work to a strict budget.

eviltwin

Tell your gf to cop onto herself. She wants a wedding not a marriage if you ask me.

I got married on Oct 1st last and I had to have a very small wedding due to financial reasons. It wasnt what I would have wanted but needs must and all that.

At the time I put a brave face on it but the build up was a bit depressing but on the day itself I had a ball and looking back I'm glad myself and my hubby were able to get married, have a great honeymoon and not get into any debt.

Its just one day..it might seem like the most important day of your life but once its over and your home and the dust has settled you'll look back and realise it wasnt the be all and end all you thought it was.

I'm sure your family and friends would agree that starting married life in dire financial straits isnt the best start in life.

paperclip2

I can understand her not wanting to go away given her parents age etc. But 20 grand for a wedding is ott. Sit down and set a realistic budget. Maybe if you get some information on bank loans and repayment plans it might help her to think in real terms of the cost.
My husband and I did the big country wedding thing six years ago but we shopped around the various hotels and got good deals. For example if you get married on a Thursday it often works out a lot cheaper and the hotel usually throws in things like the bar extension, wine corkage charge and cakestand, etc for free. I saved money on the church flowers by paying the church sacristan to do them instead of the florist. Cheeky I know but it saved a third off the flower bill. My bridesmaids dresses were hired, invitations were homemade and my aunt did the wedding cake. At the end of the day none of that stuff really matters, and no-one remembers it. What people remember is the fun they had and the craic that went on, not the number of sugar almonds at each place setting.

Best of luck with it OP.

CDfm

irishbird wrote: »

i would be telling your gf to cop her self on and there is a budget of €3,000 for the wedding no more, no less. you can have a fablous day for €3,000.

Just spotted 3k for a wedding dress as a budget economy suggestion

Take a look at this Dobbins Eary Bird Menu for 25 euro and Dobbins is by no means down market

http://www.dobbins.ie/content/view/22/34/

A reality check.

finbarrk

Let her have her way. It's the biggest day of her life. Won't the presents cover most of it anyway. 200 guests, thats 100 couples @ €100 - €200 each. Maybe €12,000 - €15,000 recouped there. Doesn't sound so bad now?

shellyboo

finbarrk wrote: »

Maybe €12,000 - €15,000 recouped there.

15k's worth of household goods to put in a house they can no longer afford due to the extravagance of the wedding? That's just pointless.

John Mason

CDfm wrote: »

Just spotted 3k for a wedding dress as a budget economy suggestion

Take a look at this Dobbins Eary Bird Menu for 25 euro and Dobbins is by no means down market

http://www.dobbins.ie/content/view/22/34/

A reality check.

no:) €3000, for the whole wedding. anyone who pays more then €150 a dress they will wear once and then give to charity, is off their rocker:rolleyes:

Nuttzz

finbarrk wrote: »

Let her have her way. It's the biggest day of her life. Won't the presents cover most of it anyway. 200 guests, thats 100 couples @ €100 - €200 each. Maybe €12,000 - €15,000 recouped there. Doesn't sound so bad now?

sure why not just sell tickets to the wedding on ticketmaster

CDfm

irishbird wrote: »

no:) €3000, for the whole wedding. anyone who pays more then €150 a dress they will wear once and then give to charity, is off their rocker:rolleyes:

thats more like it.;)

CathyMoran

We got married for less than 5K (including honeymoon and spending money on same) - you can get a lovely non-bridal wedding dress for a very reasonable sum. We had a very small Irish church wedding (15 people) but spent more per person as it was still small...maybe that would suit your wife to be? Having parents there is one thing that either of you should have to be without, the rest of the guests are optional and certainly she does not need bridesmaids.

K_P

OP, you sound very patient and very sweet wanting to give your fiancee the big day out she wants. The money this is likely to cost is pure madness though and to be honest, I reckon €20k for 200 people is actually quite a conservative estimate.

A meal for 200 people will probably cost around €50 in your standard 4 star hotel. There's €10k gone. Then there's the round of drinks to toast the bride and groom - this is the point at which people lose the run of themselves and order double brandies. There's the band, the DJ, the evening food, the cake, car hire, the photographer, the videographer, the dress (€2k seems to be the average these days), bridesmaid's dresses, flowers, your suit, your best man's and groomsmen's suits, the invitations (and postage), mass booklets, wedding favours, the honeymoon, etc etc etc.

There's no end of things that are going to cost you an arm and a leg. And those are just the standards. If your fiancee really puts her mind to it, you can have chocolate fountains, fireworks, ice sculptures and all that malarkey.

Of course there are ways to save money and there have been some great suggestions so far. A midweek wedding and enlisting friends to help with the cake, invitations, video and anything else they can do is your best bet. However, you need to talk to your finacee about this NOW. And she needs to compromise.

She may have been dreaming of this day all her life, but unless she's been saving for it all her life too, then she needs to get real.

laura l

i understand about a wedding that costs at least 20k - it seems like an exorbitant amount but it is not long adding up, what people tend not to realise is that, for example, for a meal in a hotel if you go for a choice of 2 starters you are charged an extra E1.00-E2.00 per guest, a choice of 2 main courses generally means that all meals are charged at the more expensive meal price even if guests choose the cheaper option, if you go for a choice of 2 desserts you are charged an extra E1.00-E2.00 per guest or for a choice of a dessert plate it will cost you a bit more than one dessert per guest, corkage charges of at least E10 per bottle if you bring in your own wine.........weddings are not cheap in this day and age no matter where you try to cut down on them IMO

Barracudaincork

Sit her down and explain your woes to her and if she says oh but i have to have this that and the other on the wedding day etc. Remind her the only thing and i mean the only thing she has to do on her wedding day is marry the person she loves, after that everything else pales into insignificance.

OS119

OP, unless, after you've got a house with a very manageable mortgage, you've got decent, reliable cars, have started a pension provision, and have a slush fund for broken boilers and new exhausts, your GF has €20k burning a hole in her pocket, you need to tell her to re-think, or take a running jump.

'Her' day is all very well if she's the only one paying for it, but not only is this your wedding too, but if you do end up spending much more than you can afford, you will suffer for it in the long run.

quite simply, sit her down and explain that if you spend €20k on this wedding, you'll face a much larger mortgage for a much smaller house (for 25 years!), you may not be able to afford to buy a house in the catchment area of decent schools for your children, and your standard of living for the rest of your lives will be lower - less holidays, less disposable income - all for one single day.

if she still wants to spend that much, i suggest you think very hard about whether you want to spend your life with someone who set their priorities in such a way.

if my GF maintained that she set her 'big day' as being more important than either the rest of our lives or our childrens' education, she's stop being my GF about 4 seconds later.

InisMor

scrubber72 wrote: »

My GF and I are due to get hitched next year. She is a job that might not be in place come december this year. The thing is although I have a decent job and i do love my GF very much its this. She wants the typical Irish wedding with all the bells and whistles (not over the top). 200 guests approx and the whole thing works out at around 20 grand not including the honeymoon. I have tried to say countless times that we should go away and get married but she really wants to have her day in the sun( her parents are quiet old and cant travel and she is the youngest in her family too.) Am I being greedy or mean askin for her to even consider going away to get wed cause in the current climate it looks like to me that after the wedding we wont have a pot to p1ss into. I am thinking that if we go away we could save about 10 grand and that could go towards a house.
Help my head is wrecked and i need advice. Thanks

How is 200 guests not "over the top"??

her parents are old so you shouldn't go abroad (how old exactly??) but you do not need to spend 20K. tell your girlfriend that at that rate the wedding will last longer that the marriage.

CDfm

The OP doesnt have the money for this so he needs to say this.

But isn't it the case that people with no money save and wait and economize.So the OP needs to work out what he can possibly do within the budget. Maybe even put the wedding off a year or so if thats what it takes to afford it.

So maybe thats what the OP needs to do.

I wonder what Eddie Hobbs would do?

wexford202

Your wedding is all about what you can do within the budget you set.

20,000.00 if you do no have your house is alot of money to spend.

It is amazing what you can save and spend on your wedding.

I spent 30,000.00 inc honeymoon on mine. I had 150 guests. I went all out on some things. It was within my budget and I also have my home the last few years.

My friend had 250 people at hers and it cost her 15,000.00

Her wedding was lovely and I couldn't flaw it at all.

It is one day in your life. Yes a special one but to be honest the best part of mine whole thing was waking up running the bath and geeting a champagne breaksfast delivered to the room while we were saoking away in a hot bubble bath. The honeymoon for me and spending the time away in pure luxury was amazing for me and my husband.

I can remember very little of the wedding but the honeymoon will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Tell your other half to be careful as many people end up very down after their wedding as they put so much time into it.

eviltwin

Life is all about compromise and sometimes we can't always get what we want. Thats just the way it goes and if your girlfriend can't accept this then maybe she's not mature enough to handle married life.

b3t4

Here's the thing, you and your girlfriend can have the big day with all the trimmings but it's just gotta cost less. That's it. That's all that needs to happen.

What can ye realistically afford? Once ye have decided that work back from there. Make a list of everything which is an absolute must for the day and see how it fits into your budget.

I don't think the best way to approach this is to go in there all guns blazing saying we can't do this and we can't do that. Having it in another country is also an unrealistic option, and with older parents myself I understand the health issues which might be of concern.

This is not a case of we cannot afford this but a case of how can we make what we want for the day fit in our budget. Sit down and have a chat with her. You're marrying this woman after all and this won't be the first time ye'll have to manage a budget. Budget's aren't romantic but they're a necessary evil in life

scrubber72

hi again OP here. The thing about going away as I mentioned in a previous post is not the only option I am trying to tell my GF. Its just one and I do understand that her parents cant travel so I have decided to forget that one. The only point I am trying to get across is the cost and the fact that she may and only may be out of work come the new year so the expense of the wedding should be reduced accordinaly. Her response has been that with what we have saved up to now and the day itself should be about 20 grand but I dont want us to blow it all and wake up after the honeymoon and realise we are back to the place we were when we got engaged. Broke. I realise that in the future this is going to cause some fights but her heart is set on this. As one poster said and I repeated it to her its a wedding day but the marriage is for the rest of our lives.
Thanks again for all your advice and opinions
Will let you all know how it goes

dudara

Show her this thread. Perhaps all the viewpoints of all the posters who have replied might help her see another side to the argument.

Did you just say that €20k would constitute all your savings? Spending all your savings is just madess - bordering on stupidity to be honest.

You really need to be firm with her. Reassure her that you will work with her to make this a great day for both of you, but ultimately the expense has to be controlled in accordance with your means.

b3t4

scrubber72 wrote: »

Her response has been that with what we have saved up to now and the day itself should be about 20 grand but I dont want us to blow it all and wake up after the honeymoon and realise we are back to the place we were when we got engaged. Broke.

Take something positive from what she's saying. She, at least, doesn't want to get ye into debt over this.

Outline to her that ye may have the funds available but that doesn't necessary mean ye have to spend it all. Have ye chatted about other costs outside the wedding? How about the deposit for a house? Wouldn't it be nice to have something in the bank for that? What about if/when ye would like kids? Wouldn't some cash in the bank help with that also?

Spending every last cent ye have isn't the the right approach but I'm sure once your girlfriend realises (with your help) that the big day is possible on a lower budget she'll be more impressed with this. Right now your girlfriend is using the money you have available as her boundary on her budget whereas the boundary needs to be lower than this which is something which you can help her see.

Good luck

Gyalist

The mistake that you are making is treating the relationship as a democracy. Sure things should be discussed but in the end the executive decision has to be made. If you cannot afford €20K for the wedding, set an affordable budget and let her work with that. As it is you seem to be pussyfooting around the issue. It's not about what she wants, it about what you both (remember that it's your big day too) can afford.

If she is not great at managing finances, you'll find that the pattern will continually repeat itself in the relationship unless you stand firm on this issue.

Sharlovesjohn

Why don't you say to her if she wants this lavish wedding so badly she'll have to wait till she gets a new job she feels secure in otherwise the budget will have to be slashed simply because you can not afford to blow that much money and not have anything invested for your furture? Tell her would she rather have a huge and very expensive day then spend you first few years married still renting and/or in debt?
And if her answer is yes? well she seem to be very selfish to me and starting married life together like this can not do you two any good.


She needs a wake up call.

CDfm

Gyalist wrote: »

The mistake that you are making is treating the relationship as a democracy.
Sure things should be discussed but in the end the executive decision has to be made.

Democracy, partnership is the way it should be

As it is you seem to be pussyfooting around the issue. It's not about what she wants,

You are not Santa Claus OP

Ask her how long she thinks a marriage is going to last when you're still renting somewhere, barely struggling by on bills and food, stressed to the nines every single day, and you're both looking back at that one day you blew all your life savings on fripperies.

K_P

Just be careful how you approach this OP. You've clearly already talked about it, but you haven't reached an agreement. Or, she thinks you've reached an agreement but clearly you're not happy about it.

Work out how much you have saved already and how much you're likely to save before the day itself. Then work out how much of this savings you'd like to have left over after the wedding is paid for. One minus the other and there's your budget and no matter what, you'll have to find ways to work within it.

It'll take a bit more thought and ingenuity, but you'll likely end up with a wedding that's much more personal as you've really thought about every detail rather than just whipping out the credit card for whatever the latest fashion is.

Don't get caught up in the idea that you'll get money from guests and that'll pay for everything. If that happens, fantastic. Even if it does, it's only around the wedding itself that you get this money. That's not much good to you when you're trying to pay everyone months in advance and seeing your savings dwindling away. It's even less good when the money you're waiting on turns out to be vouchers or crystal or whatever the hell else is given as gifts these days.

I know a couple who split up over this - they'd just bought a house, his hours were hugely reduced in work, neither of them had any savings to speak of but she still wanted the big white fairytale. It's easy to say that if they couldn't even get past the wedding plans what hope had they in the real world, but I'd imagine this isn't the only couple who've fallen at this hurdle. So, y'know, be careful with this.

Toots

As loads of others have already said, ye need to sit down and decide who and what are absolute must haves for the wedding, then work out how much that will cost you. I'm having a fairly big wedding, 4 star hotel, bells and whistles etc and it's not costing anything close to 20k. You can still have a perfect day without spending that amount of money. Where did she get that figure? Has she actually been researching and planning, or is it a figure that she's just picked out of thin air? If it's just a figure she's come up with in her head, she might be surprised to see that she can still have the day she wants for a lot less than she thinks.

To be totally honest, budgeting to spend your entire savings on the wedding is utter madness. What if she does lose her job? You'll need to keep money aside for a contingency, especially if you're planning on buying a house. The idea of factoring in monetary gifts into the budget is also dangerous. You could end up with a shortfall of €10,000 and 100 kettle/toaster sets that you don't need. Particularly with 'the current climate' a lot of people aren't giving cash gifts because they simply can't afford it.

Another thing that would cut your costs right down is the guest list. 200 is a hell of a lot of people, and unless you're each really close to 100 members of your family/friends, do you really need those people there? My H2B and I would be from very close families, but we each limited ourselves to 60 people for the guestlist, which worked out great. We got to invite everyone who we want to have for the day. Casual friends and relatives we don't see very often or just aren't close to, will get an invite to the evening. Also, don't bother inviting people who you feel you 'should' invite. You need to be firm, if you genuinely want them there, great. If not, then don't invite them. Don't let either set of parents try to wrangle you into inviting their friends or neighbours if you dont' want them there. You've got a lot of planning to do, but the best thing you can do now is decide the basics and come up with a rough, reasonable budget, and work from there.

tinkerbell

Spending €20k on a wedding day in Ireland is just ridiculous - it's an overpriced piss up. When I get married, I have no intention of spending that much on a wedding day. I would rather have a smaller intimate ceremony (the idea of 200 guests just horrifies me) and then go on a very lavish honeymoon.

Your gf needs to cop onto herself - if you don't have €20k to spend, then just say that to her. I mean where does she expect this money to come from? And hey, well if she's insisting on spending €20k then tell her she'll have to foot the bill herself and get a loan out for it and pay it back herself. There is no reason why you should have to pay so much when you don't want to. I mean if she doesn't even have a job now, where is this money supposed to come from?

CDfm

OP - I don't know if its coming out here but marrying like this with this outlay will put your marriage on a very shakey foundation from the very begining. You need a serious discussion.

Doesn't it strike you odd that from the very begining you are having this problem. Marriage is a huge undertaking. Say 12 months into the marriage and she wants a shiny new car that is out of your range without giving up eating -will you do that or, she decides to chuck in work and go to college.

That has happened to some people.

Guess who;)

eviltwin

Marriages where there is very little room for compromise rarely work. She sounds like an immature little girl.

wexford202

There would be nothing as bad to me as starting out my marriage in serious financial difficlty because of a my wedding day which everyone will have forgoten abut by the next weekend.

If you have the money it's ok but if you don't tell herself to stop living beyond her means.

I was bridesmaid for a 250 guest wedding and the bride and groom couldn't afford to go on their honeymoon because they had sepnt so much on their wedding.

That isn't happiness to me and let me assure you they regretted it afterwards.